Not alone

well im not going to write anymore, some people are just flippin freaks. if anyone needs to get a hold of me, u can email me.

wow, i have some real loyal friends. Im giving up on certain people, I just cant take their bullshit anymore. You know whats really jacked up? I would be there for a friend in need in a split second, no matter what I had to do. I just dont understand why people just cant do the same. It hurts knowing that I trusted and put some much hope into her, just to get stabbed in the back. I asked her to do something out of anger, and I never should have, but Im sorry. I was being turned on and I tried to get her to be there for me. So forget it, I dont want anymore close friends, they just hurt you in the end. Ive seemed to have learned that a lot this year. Long friendships ended over silly crap like this. If thats the way you guys want it, thats what will happen, Im just not going to get close to anybody, too much pain. My only friends are my mom, brother, grandma and daughter and thats all I need. Tell me how she can end almost 6 yrs of friendship because I asked her to help me. She told me she'd help, She's an important key in this case. But whatever, some other poor girl will be assaulted just because people are selfish enough not to care about anything but their own problems. Very sad.. I tried, but nobody wanted to listen. Lock your windows and doors, there is a predator on the streets tonight. Wanna know who you can thank? The hospital, the police, the court. Very sad....

how much is too much? how much is too little? i wake up in the morning thinking negative thoughts about my body, i go to sleep thinking negative thoughts about my body. I walked 3 miles today after having a baby not even 2 weeks ago. I told my mom that, all proud but she wasnt too proud at first, then she told me i did good. it was extremely hard on my body, but those horrible thoughts of "come on, those "fat" pants dont even fit you" gotta make it the whole 3 miles otherwise youll never lose this weight, you'll never be pretty". GRRRRR. Its so aggitating. I cant resort to my old bad habits, but Im going crazy with this disgusting body. In the bath today, I grabbed a huge double handful of fat. Disgusting, I swear. Oh wait a minute, I had a baby not even 2 weeks ago. Why do I hate my body so much? Why do I feel like this is permanent? They say your old body comes back when u breastfeed, well it needs to hurry. poor hannah, shes asleep in my arms right now. Im trying so hard to fight this, im fighting for her. those eyes are the only thing that keeps me from going totally nuts with this whole nasty eating disorder thing. Its also weird.. I dont believe I have an eating disorder. Its just the way I think and eat. Its not disordered, but people say it is. ive never believed ive had an ed, its just like someone tells me i have somethin like borderline personality or bipolar disorder. Its just a label. i dont know, i hope this doesnt trigger anyone, its just the battle within myself.

well, im doing weight watchers again. I dont know why I do this, everytime I try "weight watchers", it always goes to an extreme. I dont know why im joining, people monitor my weight that way. I went one week and lost 3lbs.. my mom thought it had said 8lbs and she accused me of purging infront of the weight watcher lady. Damnit, im so pissed off. im so exhausted and depressed. Cory isnt going to help me keep that bastard away from me and my daughter, some friend that is. I think Ill go walk today, try to clear my head.

too much of a weight loss this week.. that in itself is triggering. i dont know why i lost so much, probably normal, but i cant let this start anything. ive come too far for this.

ah im so relieved, but still exhausted. Hannah only woke up 3 times last night and has been up most of the day today. We just took a nap but im still really tired. I cant wait until she starts sleeping through the night.

God im exhausted. This morning I had to take hannah to the doctor, she had to be there at 8:45. I woke up at 6:30 and barely made it out of the door on time. She had to get x-rays done of her shoulder today to see the extent of the damage, poor kid. She's up every hour now wanting to feed, so i barely get any sleep anymore. I didnt realize how much work a baby was, today I had to scarf some cereal, I made lunch at 12, couldnt eat until 1:30 because someone else was hungry and just now scarfed sumthin to snack on before dinner. This is the first break Ive had all day. My bro is watchin her, but Im a little uneasy about that, so i think im gonna go back downstairs. I hope she'll sleep tonight (DREAM ON).

Well... SHE'S HERE!!! Jan. 13th, I went to OB after 4 false alarms in the last two weeks, I was unprepared and was expecting to be sent home again. I was having painful contractions and when i got to the hospital, I was dialated to 4, enough to be admitted. 2 hrs later I was dialated to 5, 6 hrs later.. no more dialation. Jan. 14th, at 9am my water was artificially broken, the contractions were still not effective. 10am, they started my on pitosin. OW. Has anyone ever had that stuff before? It intensifies contractions by like 10. At 3pm, I couldnt take the pain and asked for half a dose of staydol. All it did was make me loopy. I still felt the pain, but I cant remember anything until about 4pm. 5:21, my little 7.9lb, 19 3/4in Hannah Lee Mc Gowan was born. :-)))). She is absoloutly gorgeous and is the spit image of me when I was born. She has tiny little mc gowan eyes. She looks like my dad alot, which was kinda cool. She broke her clavical while being born, so shes been pretty fussy. She's been such a good baby. Im so tired, I'm finally sleeping but waking up every 2 hrs to feed has got me exhausted. Im drinking tons of water but havnt eaten in days, Ive completely lost my appetite, I made myself eat some cereal this morning and I have to force myself to eat sumthin at noon. She's sleeping right now and is completely precious. I'm gonna go shopping for some shirts now.

Good news at my dr. appt today.. 3cm dialated and 80% effaced, he thinks i could go tonight and i wouldnt be surprised. I think im going into active labor, the contractions are stronger than ever and extremely paiful. I went to bed at 8, woke up at 12 and now its 2:13. i got 2 hrs sleep last night, im starting to wear down again. I think ill go downstairs and bounce on the birth ball and watch tv. The dr. thinks ill have her tonight or tomorrow. I've been walking like a fool, 1hr a day, so thats probably why things are rollin so fast now. Wish me luck and sleep. :-/ .

tomorrows my appt.. ill know whether im going to induce or not. if im given the choice, i think im going to. im so tired now, i can barely keep my eyes open. these things are the cramps from hell, i swear. Anyways, I just straightened my hair with this shampoo stuff called straighter and smoother.. it made it straighter but it frizzed my hair, expensive piece of crap. o-well, gotta go feed my lil one eyed bandit, that poor cat, i swear. hes worse than a kid.