{ born identity : being one and yourself }

Pressure
Muse

---

I'm trapped and my back's up against the wall
I see no solution or exit out
I'm grinding it out, no one can see
The pressure's growing exponetially

I'm trying to keep up to speed with you
Your lane changing is oscillating me
I'm hitting the ground and I'm sprinting
I'm falling behind now, I'm tuning out

Pressure building
Pressure building
Pressure building

Don't push me (Aah)
Don't push me (Aah)
Let me get off the ground (Don't push me)
To you I'm no longer bound (Ooh wee aah)

Don't stop me (Ooh wee aah)
Don't choke me (Ooh wee aah)
I need you out of my head (With your pressure)
You've got me close to the edge (With your pressure)

I'm feeling the pressure, I can't break out
No one can hear me scream and shout
Get out of my face, out of my mind
I see your corruption, I'm not blind
I'll carry the burden and take the strain
And when I am done I will make you pay

Pressure building
Pressure building
Pressure building

Don't push me (Aah)
Don't push me (Aah)
Let me get off the ground (Don't push me)
To you I'm no longer bound (Ooh wee aah)

Don't curb me (Ooh wee aah)
Don't thwart me (Ooh wee aah)
I need you out of my head (With your pressure)
You've got me close to the edge (With your pressure)

Pressure building
Pressure building
Pressure building

Don't push me (Aah)
Don't push me (Aah)
Let me get off the ground (Don't push me)
To you I'm no longer bound (Ooh wee aah)

Don't stop me (Ooh wee aah)
Don't block me (Ooh wee aah)
I need you out of my head (With your pressure)
You've got me close to the edge (With your pressure)

Pressure building
Pressure building

When it comes to certain adult responsibilities I don't have any problems with it. Paying bills, forms to fill out, etc but it seems when it comes to legal things I froze? I forgot but now I think I may just pay the fine instead of taking my chances. I know I'd have to pay 200 dollars. Maybe there's not a line when I get there though I know there probably will be. I have waited in line for things so I can pay, etc. Maybe I have this confrontation anxiety that comes with something I dunno. I just don't want to be a truant aka with a warrant haha that strikes fear in my conscientiousness. My professor would agree with me but at the same time he would just shake his head because we discussed this before. It's a thing I need to work on.


Maybe this experience is telling me that I need to get a job -- I am growing but also too slow, too stagnant. I need to be out there doing what it was I was meant to do.

Even though it hasn't been long since April, a lot of things went down in April. I did a long term stint of housesitting, which left me with a lot of time to reevaluate stuff. I admit, I was lazy in some aspects but others not so much. I did get to rekindle a friendship, so there's that. Meteorological/weather stuff happened in my area which affected electronics, air conditioning, other crap in my house which is part of the reason I was lazy. But in other ways, I was able to get back to becoming creative, writing-wise, and I planned out a story from start to finish that is partially drafted out at 10 thousand words, that I haven't finished yet. I have 4 other stories in the works, 2 are fully planned. It's a real odd feeling to actually be able to write a story and sort of know how it begins, kinda plays out, and ends.

And I am consistently writing. I don't do the whole "I'm setting x amount of minutes, once a day" but I manage to at least write something once a week. Lately though it's been more like once a day anyway or every other day and I feel that's consistent enough for me for right now. It's a nice feeling. I suddenly get inspired for a scene or a moment or a line and then I type and get into the zone. Once I write as much as I can, I look up for the time and realize an hour or more has passed. It's nice getting lost in writing like that and have time fly. And it's nice to feel some sense of accomplishment. And the quality of the stuff mostly is fairly good. (Aka it doesn't read like it's been forced.) At least it's editable quality.

There are few things that strike me though, just these last two months. Yeah, I may be my own toughest critic. But then when I see some of my friends writing and how enthusiastic they are, it inspires me. One of them used to write really poorly. Grammar issues, spelling, etc. But underneath all that, there was great potential. I saw the themes/ideas that she tried to get across, along with the characterization of the characters themselves. They were pretty good under the veil of misspelled sayings and such. Now she writes emotions in stories that make my heart ache and her voice came alive, it's just inspiring to see that. How much writing is a journey.

And my other friend, her current story is enjoyable right now, and is not a bad fic (like it could be way better but in that "I know you have it in you way" not "oh this is trash and I'm just trying to save her face") but reading the comments of people going "this is so amazing!" or "you're going to make me cry/have made me cry!" (the premise is semi-sad...) make me realize, well, it is a pretty great fic, and that people's tastes are pretty subjective. (I know that in the abstract but seeing it like that makes you go, wow.) And I realize that my fics, if I finish them, to post might get a similar reaction and maybe I am better than I thought.

Then, it reminds me of something I read awhile back which really has struck me and I have to remind myself. When you're writing, obviously you know what's going to go on and what's happening in your story. But when the people are reading it, they have no earthly clue what's going to happen. Sure, they can guess if they're well read enough (in books or fic) and can speculate on development based on tropes, of personal knowledge about you as a writer and how you might apply that to a story, or things they've seen in other works of yours, etc. But only you know. And I have to put into my head "what the fuck are they going to think/react" when I write it (but after the fact) and when I re-read my stuff to edit it, I try to go into that mindset while reading it. Like trying to be that reader who is discovering what is happening, one paragraph at a time. So I have to do that to keep me in check. Especially if I have thoughts on "oh they're not going to like this plot" or "it needs to be more x/y/z" when in reality the material I put down is pretty good on its own. I guess it's just a reminder to trust myself, that I know what I'm doing as a writer, even though I'm typing it. Because I've read and consumed lots of amazing fics, and am knowledgeable about a variety of topics and cultures and I have out of the box thinking, so I shouldn't try to second guess myself when I'm doing something right.

That in itself has been progress for me as a writer, coming out of this 10+ year writing hiatus/drought. That the stories I want to be told are worth telling, yes, but that I am worthy of telling them. So.

So it's been a good thing for me, writing wise. I'm kind of glad. I hope to continue it further.

-AY

A lot has happened since I posted my last entry. Actually, a lot of things made me re-evaluate myself especially since my diploma didn't go through like anticipated. So I have to sign up for a class again and my diploma is coming to me instead this fall, like first predicted by my adviser.

My family doesn't know, and I haven't had a chance to tell my sister, so I'm just going to go get a job and pay for the one class myself. Because that's the least I could do.

In other news, lots of things happened to me personally as a result of not signing up for the class in time this semester but currently, I actually am writing more. I made a fandom friend and with her encouragement, plus a couple of people, I'm inspired to finish writing some fics and putting them out there. It's a start and I think I needed to do that. All these ideas that are inside me have been longing to come out for ten years so I might as well start now.

I really still miss being in Spain (this song I'm listening to isn't helping -- there's a story from my time there associated with this song) and the tv commercials having a "taste of Spain" grocery special isn't helping either. I really want to refresh my language knowledge of all the languages I know this year. Maybe I'll make a resolution for la noche de San Juan; it's a perfect time for a mid-year resolution.

Anyway, this fic is going so well in some ways and others it's...nerve wracking because it's the first time I'm writing on a certain subject, so I don't want to do it injustice. But it's nice to really enjoy writing again. So there's that.

Well, I hope to type another entry more recently than this. Til then.

-AY

Haha, I know I haven't posted in forever but this last semester was crazy! I'll write more about it later but figured I would start the New Year with a meme response. Gotta get started on those New Year resolutions!

Also, I have an AO3 account and posted on my ff.net one, so if you want said fics, just ask. (To anyone who is still reading this! lol)

Total Number of Fandoms, Pairings, Stories and Word Count:

Fandoms: Star Trek (TOS, AOS, Enterprise), The Librarians, Chuck, Leverage

Pairings: Star Trek: Trip/T'Pol, Spock/McCoy, McCoy/Kirk; Leverage: Hardison/Parker

Stories: Published fanfics? 2. Drabbles/WIPs? Way too many to count. At least over 40.

Total word count: At least over 20K+, maybe closer to 50K?

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I wrote more fic than I have in the last decade due to writer's block. I'm actually proud of myself for writing more than I have in a long time!

( Collapse )

That was fun to answer! Man, my typing is sloppy but I think my tiredness is creeping up on me. Until the New Year!

-AY

Yeah, so the posting picture thing was a bit delayed. I ended up celebrating the 4th plus my friend's birthday not long after I came back. And then my camera was being stupid saying that I couldn't use the USB cable to transfer pictures so I had to go buy an SD card reader. Now I found out my mom's laptop has an SD card reader integrated in it so I was able to extract a handful of pictures I took. (How observant of me!) So here are some beautiful shots of Spain. The sunset is in the town I lived at and the lights are from a local festival in a neighboring town. It was all so great!

(If these pics break your layout, just comment and let me know and I can just put it under a cut or resize it. Click the picture to see it in full resolution!)







I started an online class but other than that, I have been sort of... here. I have been reading tons of fanfics and working on writing fic every so often but.. *sigh* I need to do some more practicing my spanish but I have been keeping up with trying at least once a week. I sometimes answer things in spanish first than in english but there are times I do stop myself. I do want to go back but I can't right now.

But that's how I have been right now. Basically I have caught up with friends, hanging out with them every so often, doing my online class, and just... fics. And some TV/anime watching. *sigh* I guess it's just the calm before the chaotic storm that will be my next semester.

-AY

In recent years, I have mostly been a lurker for the fandoms I follow I have way too many TV shows I follow. I recently got into participating the Star Trek fandom in terms of commenting/interacting on a mailing list and posting some written works but I haven't exactly gotten too far into that. (Too many written ideas but no finished product! *sigh*) Also, in terms of anime, I have recently gotten into the Precure (Pretty Cure) fandom. I joined a podcast called The CureCast and they are a great group of people that now are new friends. Precure is fairly small in the english-speaking world compared to bigger anime like Attack on Titan, Naruto, and One Piece, but in Japan it is fairly big. And there's a huge reason why -- it's magical girls who use their fists and kicks to fight evil and save the world! So yeah. But other than working on the podcast, I haven't done much like I did in the Beck fandom, like making icons or graphics.

In the past, I used to be HEAVILY involved in the Harry Potter fandom, especially with the HP actor fandom (but also just normal HP fandom). I helped run a fansite with a friend, where I ended up making a TON of friends who have impacted my life, and I also posted fanfics and stuff. There are anime that I did used to post fanfics for like Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, Digimon, etc but they have been abandoned.

I have gone to anime conventions and they are very fun but I have YET to go to a scifi convention, which I would love to do. I have participated in cosplay, but nothing terribly impressive. I need to get back to graphics making for my new "active" fandoms, but for now I am just in the lurking phase. I wish I can finish some fic and just put myself out there in the Star Trek fandom but it's so vast and daunting! I guess just one step at a time.

First things first, I am back guys! I returned not too long ago from my stint in Spain and I gotta say it was not only life changing but amazing!

I got to visit Morocco, Rome, Spain, and Germany. Before this trip, I never traveled on a plane by myself much less in a foreign country, or used AirBnB. Afterwards, I became a pro. It was quite something. And I visited Europe and Africa for the first time.

I won't lie, there were times of frustration and some stress. Most of it had to do with my own inadequacies of language learning and miscommunication (the frustration) and the stress part was during finals (when is someone NOT stressed during finals?) and dealing with some group drama that didn't exactly include me lol.

But things were so interesting and fun and my language proficiency in Spanish got better! I took amazing pictures, ate some delicious food, and made some great friendships and memories. I think my writing is a little better and I got more inspiration for fics.

While I am glad I am back home, there is a lot about Spain that I miss. It was so easy to integrate exercise in my life: I literally just have to get dressed, walk out the door, and I could virtually get anywhere. Shops and food were doorsteps away, the beach was 2-5 minute walk, I could grab a bus at around the same amount of time, and the fare was 1.10 Euros. A train ride or bus ride to places were 4-5 Euros. Everything is affordable. And the roads are made for walking so if I wanted to walk anywhere and roam the city, I could. It was so effortless and as a result, I did lose weight. Water is cheap to buy (wtf I wish it was here) and the food was just...better. I didn't have to worry about getting mugged (the city I lived in has a pretty low crime rate) and the old buildings made it visually interesting to just wander. And shopping was relatively cheap. It just... really effortless.

Here, I'm happy to see my friends, be with my family, have great eating options, but I can't just walk out my house and bam! be at the beach, or wander for 10 minutes and be at an eatery, a plaza, or something. This state is too big for that. 10 minutes and I'm probably still in my neighborhood.

However, I now eat a lot of fruits and veggies now. Not that I didn't before, but for some reason, now I crave it, a lot. And when I was living in Spain I wasn't denying myself anything in terms of food. I ate ice cream, cake, candy. I drank soda at times. Lots of things were fried in olive oil (no joke) and lots of things with potatoes. And I had lots of meat along with fruit and salads. Somehow though, it was just different, I can't explain it. I know the habits are now going to be with me the rest of my life.

I know I was in classes 4 days a week there but I just wish I was still traveling. I feel so bored out of my mind with nothing to do. I mean, I could go drive places to do things but there was something about just walking out in the street to go anywhere. And as long as I had my map, I wasn't going to get lost. It felt good to have something to do almost every day because I still had free time to decompress for myself each day. Even if I didn't, I could walk around, I could decide to try to shop or eat something new, or just people watch, or run (which I did, once) or just go to the beach. It's effortlessly lazy but not lazy all at once.

Once I live on campus again, it'll be similar. I just have to walk everywhere to do things, mind you, I can't go to the beach lol. But to eat or hang out with people I can just walk to them. I just miss that.

So yeah, I had a blast. I don't mind being back (I haven't seen my mom in 3 months!) but I wish I didn't feel like a bum... Nothing wrong with being a bum but it's such a drastic change after 1 month of being on the go, traveling and experiencing things.

I'll probably post pictures online soon. A bunch of my new friends want the pictures, so I'm going to post them.

Til then,
-AY

Yeah, the last time I updated it was awhile. Well, around Spring Break, things got really stressful and hectic (THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF SPRING BREAK LOL) and that ended up putting me on a spiral of sleep deprivation, lack of motivation, and all sorts of stuff. It wasn't until last week that I was able to catch up on things. However, it was the calm of the storm because finals is coming up. Most of my professors decided to have their final tests soon or papers to be turned in. It's just nuts. But I will have a break between that and my last class.

So, this summer, I'll be living in Spain for a little bit. It's rather exciting and also daunting because 1) learning to live in another language and 2) the first time overseas by myself, no family. But I'm excited because I'll get to see Europe for the first time, and to take lots of pictures and just get a jump start on something new and all that. I hope for proficiency to start writing poetry and stories in another language. I hope to actually be able to work out (beach life will do that, along with walking practically everywhere) and eat food that's good for me. It's just exciting.

Right now though, I am just trying to take everything a day at a time or else I'll feel all scared and stressed and want to retreat somewhere.

But now, sleep.

-AY

Neon Lights
Demi Lovato

---

Baby when they look up at the sky
We'll be shooting stars just passing by
You'll be coming home with me tonight
We'll be burning up like neon lights

Be still my heart 'cause it's freaking out, it's freaking out, right now
Shining like stars 'cause we're beautiful, we're beautiful, right now
You're all I see in all these places
You're all I see in all these faces
So let's pretend we're running out of time, of time

Baby when they look up at the sky
We'll be shooting stars just passing by
You'll be coming home with me tonight
And we'll be burning up like neon lights

Baby when they look up at the sky
We'll be shooting stars just passing by
You'll be coming home with me tonight
And we'll be burning up like neon lights

Neon lights
Neon lights
Neon lights
Like neon lights
Like neon lights

Be still my heart 'cause it's freaking out, it's freaking out, right now
Shining like stars 'cause we're beautiful, we're beautiful, right now
You're all I see in all these places
You're all I see in all these faces
So let's pretend we're running out of time, of time

Baby when they look up at the sky
We'll be shooting stars just passing by
You'll be coming home with me tonight
And we'll be burning up like neon lights

Baby when they look up at the sky
We'll be shooting stars just passing by
You'll be coming home with me tonight
And we'll be burning up like neon lights

Neon lights
Neon lights
Neon lights
Like neon lights
Like neon lights

Shining like stars 'cause we're beautiful, beautiful
You're all I see in all these places
You're all I see in all these faces
So let's pretend we're running out of time, of time

Like neon lights
Like neon lights

Be still my heart 'cause it's freaking out