Ok, so I think part of the problem I have with LJ is I'm trapped by memories here, lol. So, I'm olorieloriginal no longer. If you wanna keep up with me, I'll try to reboot over at cashcameo, hopefully I'll be a good little lj-er over there and keep updated, read other people's journals, etc. It's been a long time since I started this journal and so many things have changed since then that I need to make this change now =]
Oh heyyyy. It's me again. I think I'm the worst Livejournal-er ever. I check in from time to time to have rants, and I barely read anything. I'm sorry! It's just difficult for me to stick to things. Anyway, volunteering's going well. It's not gotten me a job yet, but it makes me feel kind of useful. Also, it stops me feeling useless. Win win.
I went to Chicago for the second time and I wish I was still there. Mannnnn, what a city. I'm in love! One day, guys, one day. I also went to Disney <3 that's always fun. I didn't see the shuttle launch. I could've, and I sort of wish I had, but it would have made me sooooo tired, I would have had to get up so early. Plus I'd heard the night before it got struck by lightning and I was kind of scared it would explode. I didn't want to see that.
I'm fed up of nothing happening. Nothing ever changes for me. I have no friends, no job, no prospects. It sucks. I'm trying to make a change right now. I want to build up a cake decorating portfolio, and I want to spend a lot of time thinking. I need to work out what I want... do I want to do cake dec forever or would I rather do bakery/pastry? I don't know right now and it's something that I need to figure out, I guess that's been holding me back for a while. Hopefully I'll enter a proper competition this year. Hmm.
I'm always going to feel like a failure for not going to university, even though I'm glad I didn't go.
I've been thinking about doing some kind of business study, even though I don't know whether or not I want to run my own business some day. I think it might just be because I'm so desperate for something to do. Or because I miss using my intellect for something. Idk.
I loved the CM Punk vs WWE thing. I really did. I've loved Punk since the day I saw his promo, in that month I went back and watched everything of his that I could, I told everyone at 6th form that he was the best. Because of him I discovered Bake & Destroy, my favourite baking blog & as such Natalie, who inspires me all the time. I went and watched Money in the Bank with my BFF and her boyfriend and it was like being 10 years old again. I've never cared so much about one outcome or been so genuinely interested. Punk is awesome.
I wish that I found it easier to talk to people about things... like how unhappy I am right now =/ I tried to tell my best friend that I'm... depressed? Lonely? Scared? And I just couldn't find the words and she started assuming things and I got frustrated because she didn't understand, but at the same time I didn't want to spell it out because I don't like talking about this stuff. Argh. It was a ridiculous situation. I sort of wanted to say, I need help, I'm lost right now, but there was no way of getting it out and I'm just not that kind of person. Idk what to do or where to turn to right now. This is a good place to rant, I think. To just type and not think about people reading it, so it doesn't feel like telling anyone, and that means I'm still keeping it to myself in my mind. And that's something I'm comfortable with. That probably made no sense at all.
Ok, so I don't know if anybody follows me on here any more. I don't know if anybody uses LJ any more. All I know is that I've been gone for a long time. Even before that, I didn't really use this thing except every once in a while when I felt bad about not using it. Idk if I'm gonna start using it properly or if this is going to be one of those "I promise I'm going to start using this" posts. I just know that I like typing, and I like to clear my head sometimes.
I can't get a job. It's like, impossible or something, I don't know. I signed up to volunteer at a local hospital, for the WRVS. I work in the shop/cafe. Well, I've only had one day. There were so many bank holidays/the royal wedding that I didn't actually get to do any of my days for a while. My second day is tomorrow & I'm scared because I've had so long not going. It feels like my first day all over again and it's making me nervous. Everyone is really nice there, I don't know what's worrying me. I'm just always awkward in any situation, no matter what it is. A while ago I got really confident, I was happy in myself... then, I don't know what happened. I lost my confidence and I got fat and now I'm just - I'm just not happy. Volunteering is a step that I've taken, you know? Try to get back on track. Try to get my confidence back enough that I pursue what I actually want to be doing, instead of the part time jobs I've been applying for. I know that the food industry is where I want to be and it's one of the least judgmental places as far as appearance goes (shops don't like the tattoos and the funny coloured hair). I can't wait to be a part of it, but I don't know how to get into it really. When I feel happy with myself, I know I'll be willing to take chances and do things, take risks to get into it. Right now I'm scared to make phone calls to my best friend, that's how bad this is x.x
I'm on my way, though. This is all good. I'm doing something about it. I might not be able to talk about it all the time, and it's really difficult to ask for help when I feel down (which, despite the negative tones of this post, I don't right now), but at least I've taken a step in the right direction. This time next year, I truly believe I'll be on the right path. Baking/cake decorating/pastry is all I really want to do. I know I'll find a way to make that happen, because I know that's who I am deep down inside.
I just need to find myself again. That's a scary thought for me right now. But I know that I can do it. I don't know if anyone has worried about me, or if they've thought about me, or if anyone's even reading this. But the point is, I'm gonna be ok. I'll work this out, I'll get out of the slump I'm in. I'll gain confidence, I'll lose weight, I'll get a job, I'll get experience making cakes or something. I haven't even gotten to the beginning yet. Bumps in the road are normal, that happens to everyone. I know what I want now, and I might not know how to get it, but that's still more than most people have. I'll be fine. You'll see.
Today I woke up to a hung parliament. Hmm. Yes, I wanted a hung parliament, I actually really did... I just didn't want this one. I wanted less Conservative seats and lib-lab alliance all sorted out neatly by this afternoon. Shame that didn't really happen. I can not for the life of me understand why so many people voted Conservative. Ordinary people, I mean (I can totally get why rich people vote for them). I wonder if they're sucked in by the promise of "change" and all this talk of how the Conservative party isn't what it used to be. Weeelllll, you know that thing about leopards and spots? Yeaaaahhhh. So now I'm crossing my fingers that some anti-Conservative force could still be pulled together, but it's looking unlikely. And if my party of choice, the Liberal Democrats, form an alliance with the Conservatives then I want it to be because it's the only real solution. I want them to drive a hard bargain and make the Conservatives give up some seats for it. I want them to have real influence. Because right now I'm worried the Conservatives could get some other alliance going on the sly and I'd really rather it was LD than someone else. But honestly, I dread having Cameron as PM. I dread a Conservative government. The prospect frightens me.
Sorry to those of you that either don't understand or don't care... or both. This is the thought constantly in the back of my mind. I guess we just have to wait and see what happens.
Also, I CANNOT believe the Lib Dems lost Liverpool City Council. Wtf? They have done the best job ever the whole time they've been in... uh, hello? Capital of Culture? Pssssh. I think if it wasn't General Election day it wouldn't have happened. Sad.
My new favourite drink is Kopparberg mixed fruit cider. I got my eyebrow pierced. I'm currently reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.We're playing some weird songs in orchestra. Later I'm going to attempt to dye my hair pink and purple over the weird color that it already is and without doing my roots, because I don't think my hair would tolerate bleach right now. In summer I'm going on holiday to Sweden, Denmark and Germany. There, I think that's everything.
I finally saw Les Miserables. Oh my fucking God. It was so good, I can't even explain it. I first discovered this musical when I was ten years old, and I've never seen it before. A couple of years ago when we went down to London to see Muse, my mum got us tickets but that was the year there was really bad flooding in the Midlands and the traffic was HORRIBLE all the way down so we didn't go (by the time we'd have got there, the first act would have been finished already). It was everything that I wanted it to be... in fact it was even better than that. They changed a lot of the staging, it was different from clips I've seen before, they had projections of the original illustrations and it was all so clever. I admit, I found myself getting really emotional, especially over Enjolras because he's one of my favourite characters and I've never actually seen Empty Chairs at Empty Tables before, so I didn't realise that the students all come back out again. Jon Robyns played Enjolras and I love his voice so much. While we're talking about the cast, John Owen-Jones played Jean Valjean. He's been voted the best Valjean ever and I was really quite blown away by him. I don't even like Valjean very much, ususally. Gareth Gates played Marius. When I heard this I was so confused and kind of disappointed because I didn't think he had much of a voice but he actually really does. I was so surprised.
Next week it's my birthday and I'm going to be 20. I'm not even excited. This seems like the most pointless birthday ever. I won't be a teenager any more, so it should feel significant, but I can't take the test for my bike till next year, which makes this birthday seem like the start of a whole year of waiting. I don't even know what my birthday plans are right now. All I wanted was to go to the Jac (my favourite bar) with a bunch of people but one by one everyone's ruled themselves out - some have hurt themselves, some are busy - so now it seems like I'm not really going to be doing much. I'm supposed to be going for a meal tomorrow with Kerry but I don't even know if THAT's going to happen now. Ah well, at least I'll get cake =D from my mum and from the superflutes.
Ok so I have resolved to be more active at LJ and get more friends here, etc. But I need your help! Do you guys have any reccomendations for good communities I should join or anything like that? Or ideas for things I should post? TIA!
=D
P.S I'm working on icons right now, it's been so long! <3
If you've seen those 101 things to do in 1001 days lists, then you'll be familiar with what I'm about to post. Except I'm not going to take 1001 days to do all of these things, I'm going to take one year. Wish me luck! Here is my list:
1; bake delice au cassis 2; knit a beret 3; go to the dentist 4; make marshmallows 5; save up bike money (at least £600 for training & test) 6; pick up guitar again 7; finally see Cremor's band 8; vlog at least once a month 9; restart the baking blog 10; start an Etsy store 11; meet up with people I met online 12; go down to London to see Gin Panic 13; read three books a month 14; roadtrip 15; have a picnic at night 16; go ice skating 17; colour every page of a colouring book 18; knit a grunge cardigan 19; leave a good book for someone to find 20; send diary postcards every day for a fortnight 21; mosh in heels 22; learn how to make clothes 23; dye knitting yarn with Kool-Aid 24; see three musicals 25; bake for special dietary requirements 26; eat at five restaurants in town I've never been to before 27; find a little black dress 28; go to a race day 29; answer the "50 questions to free your mind" 30; send fanmail 31; try five new kinds of fish 32; go to a comedy show 33; update LiveJournal at least twice a month 34; donate money to charity every month, even if it's just spare change 35; send an anonymous Valentine 36; trade one of my Disney pins 37; make Kerry a birthday cake 38; make a raspberry cheesecake in season 39; sew a patchwork quilt 40; make Bakerella style cakepops 41; solve a Rubik's cube in under ten minutes 42; go to Chinatown for Chinese New Year 43; hang out with Kerry once a month 44; watch four new movies a month 45; go out partying with a Shelley-esque football stripe 46; get a manicure 47; make a fimo pendant 48; reach 10,000 tweets 49; make a Doctor Who knit 50; take Kerry a loaf of bread 51; buy my mum Ladurée macarons 52; eat Chicago stuffed pizza <3 53; fill up a notebook with random thoughts/doodles/clippings 54; make an intricate/detailed cake topper 55; make a bead necklace 56; customise jeans 57; make a Wolverine claw torn shirt 58; customise a pair of ballerina flats 59; go see wrestling 60; get an autograph of someone I admire 61; see a movie in 3D 62; redecorate my room 63; graffiti the Jacaranda "cave" 64; make chocolate truffles 65; send a message in a bottle 66; complete Wreck This Journal and document the whole process 67; send 20 postcards through postcrossing 68; learn how to mix 25 cocktails 69; stop my Nanna from complaining for a whole day 70; go somewhere I've never been before 71; download that country song about the sexy tractor 72; buy jewellery from a Christmas market 73; complete an activity book (like the doodles books) 74; make a list every week - of anything 75; make pork and beef meatballs 76; eat something veggie with Caz 77; send or give someone a lipstick print kiss 78; wear red eyeliner as eyeliner 79; wear white tights 80; make another video of me and Kerry mining to something 81; see an acrobatic show 82; send 50 emails in a day to one RTA 83; learn the words to 2 new songs in French, German, Italian, Japanese and Swedish 84; make and post icons once a month 85; drop a jeans size with Special K 86; make a playlist of songs that make me feel better 87; make fresh meals and freeze them to make my own "readymeals" 88; find a new poet I like 89; read five new Shakespeare plays 90; have something custom made for me 91; ask my friends for autographs/notes/signed photos as though they're famous 92; go to the beach 93; help people with ten list items 94; learn how a motorbike engine works 95; send Polaroids to friends 96; make ten new LiveJournal friends 97; spend twenty minutes watching otters with Kerry 98; read five nonfiction books 99; read The Silmarillion. ALL OF IT. 100; make pancakes for Gem 101; make a purple cape for Katya with silver sequins (Gem & Katya asked to write something on my list each)
My name's Cash and I've created a new email group that's looking for members. Dynamic is a random, activity-based RTA that will hopefully become a very close-knit group of people. RTAs are for the most part pretty unheard of, so I've included some basic information about them.
What is an RTA/how does it work?
- An RTA is basically an email group. - Members of the RTA send email about a variety of different things & all email is responded to using the "reply to all" button rather than just "reply". This means that everyone gets each email sent, so everyone can join in with conversations. - Emails can be about anything. Personal emails about goings on in your life are important, but you can also send out emails sharing things that you like, asking questions, etc. - In an activity based RTA, there will be emails with different things to do, like sharing pictures, recommending websites, talking about various things, answering survery questions and so on. - Each RTA has an "owner" that will maintain the list, add new members and take responsibility for sending out new emails and activities when email is slow. - Usually, an RTA will require anyone wishing to join to fill in an application to join. This is mostly just to make sure that you understand what an RTA involves and to find out a little bit about you. - RTAs can take up a lot of time and need people that will be active. If you will only be able to check your email once every couple of weeks then RTAs are not for you. You may receive a large amount of email. It is possible during busy times to get 20+ emails a day - please do not respond if you know you will not be able to keep up with this.
~*~
Thanks for reading! If you're interested and think you can spare the time needed to join, please email me - cashcameo[at]gmail[dot]com and I will send you an application form (remember this is just so I know you understand &can find out a little about you, don't be scared!). If you need to ask any questions then please do so.
The laptop's broken! When we were out in the States my mum dropped it in ATL airport. It had a crack in it and since then it's just been getting worse and worse =[ Now it won't switch on. It looks like because of parts of it moving, a wire's come loose inside? =/ It looks like Dell won't cover the repair because my mum didn't buy their insurance, so she's taking it to a repair shop on thursday to see what they say.
In the meantime I'm stuck using the desktop, which is in the coldest room in the house =[ Woe is me.
In other news, I've been loving Film Four's Asian Cinema Season. Highlights have been I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK and Kamikaxe Girls. I've also finally seen the second Death Note.
cashcameo, hopefully I'll be a good little lj-er over there and keep updated, read other people's journals, etc. It's been a long time since I started this journal and so many things have changed since then that I need to make this change now =]