there's no way to know what might have been

Today my friend at work was shocked to learn that I do not get dressed up, put on makeup or do my hair every time I leave the house. If I am just running to the grocery store, I will just go as I am--usually a t-shirt, jogging pants, hair up in a ponytail, no makeup but lip gloss (I ALWAYS wear lip gloss, it's a must). KS said I should always look my best when I leave the house, no matter where I am going. I told her I really don't care if I look good when I go to Target. She said I might meet Mr. Right when I am there, and if I look like crap, I will miss my chance. I think that if Mr. Right can't accept me for how I look when I'm not all done up, then maybe he's not the right guy for me. I can't look perfect all the time.

I am definitely not a slob. On the weekends, I take my time getting ready, I wear nice outfits, I straighten my hair and put on makeup (including eyeliner).

I also don't care what I look like at work. If I went to meetings or gave presentations or even interacted with anyone, then yes, I would dress nice and do my makeup and hair. But all I do is sit in my little cubicle all day long, staring at my computer. I hardly ever leave my desk. KS said that maybe someday a cute visitor will be brought in and he will walk down our row and see me. HA. I have been there 5 years and it hasn't happened since. I also get this from my mom & sister too though. My mom is appalled that I don't do my hair & makeup for work every day like I used to. But what is the point? My sister made a deal with me once that I have to wear a skirt to work once a week & I follow that at least. But that is the most effort I'll put into it. What did I look like today? I wore black pants and a plain long sleeve green Old Navy shirt. My hair was still straight from yesterday so I left it, and I did not wear any makeup except for lip gloss. I don't think I looked good, but I didn't look awful either.

Now, there was this one time when I really wish I had looked good for work. The day I met MWK. I looked like crap that day, but luckily it didn't ruin my chances with him, and after that I made sure to look nice every day for work. Luckily KS does not give me a hard time about this, because it totally proved her point. There is a chance I could run into MWK any day, and it has happened a few times. However, I think that if I were to look nice for work just in case I ran into him, that would be obsessive. Although I do have to be honest...I really wanted to run into him the day I was wearing my sexy black knee-high boots!

I am such a contradiction... tonight I stopped at the restaurant to pick up my tips, and I made sure to fix my hair & put on some lip gloss, just in case MB was working. He was there! As soon as I walked in, he smiled and said hi and gave me a big hug. He's so cute! Then as I was leaving, he asked if I'm going out tonight. He wants to check out M_____'s (the place we went Friday night) and he said he'll give me a call if he decides to go. :) I normally don't go out during the week, but of course I will make an exception this time.

EDIT: So, MB did not call me so I figured they did not go out, since no one else wanted to go. So I texted him & wrote "Did you forget about me? Maybe next time..." and he wrote back "No how could I forget about u. I decided not to go out. See you friday baby." How cute is that?! I am in love. ;)

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While we're young and beautiful,
Kiss me like you mean it,
Treat me like I'm special,
Cover me with sweetness,
Cause a time will come,
When I'm not so young, and beautiful

We're Young and Beautiful - Carrie Underwood

Today I met up with 2 different guys from Yahoo personals. I don't usually plan 2 dates for the same day, but why not?

Date 1: I met up with J for lunch. It went ok. This guy looked like & dressed like he had just been camping in the wilderness. He seemed like a nice guy, he has very pretty blue eyes, and our conversations went ok. But there were no sparks or anything. Oh well. He paid for my lunch, so that was nice. I doubt I'll hear from him again.

Date 2: This one went much better! We had gotten along really well over the phone, and things went just as well in person. We met at a restaurant/bar. The only weird thing was that as soon as we sat down, he started fidgeting and stuff. I was like-are you looking for something? and he said he had to run out to his car. My first thought was-he better not be trying to ditch me! ha. It could happen! Even our server gave me a look when she came back w/our drinks & he was gone. But he left his jacket & cell phone at the table, so I knew he'd be back. And he did come back--turns out he left his wallet in the car. So we ate and talked and everything went well. After dessert he asked if I wanted to do anything else. He said we could go somewhere else or we could go up to the bar & have a few drinks--which is what I said I wanted to do. So we sat at the bar, had a few drinks & played trivia. It was SO much fun. We lost the first couple games, but then we won the last game! It was so close but he knew the answer to the last question. It was a great way to end the date. Also, it was nice to show off my intelligence--he seemed pretty impressed at some of the answers I knew. See, I AM smart! SO WHAT if I don't know anything about politics or stocks, or that I am bad with directions. I really don't give a shit. I am still intelligent. The place closed, so we left and he walked me to my car. Oh & he paid for dinner and our drinks--even my somewhat expensive girly drinks. ha. I had planned on paying for those myself, because what guy wants to pay for some over-priced fruity drink while they are drink cheap beer? But he was cool about it & refused to let me pay. He said he had a good time & that we should do this again sometime... so we'll see. I am not going to get my hopes up. But, I did have a really fun night, so that is good!

Friday greatly improved once I got to work at the restaurant. MB, the cute guy who always flirts with me, was working & he flirted with me all night. Every time we'd walk past each other, he'd smile at me & this kid has the cutest smile ever. I couldn't help but be in a better mood! Also, do you all remember that drama I had a few weeks ago w/one of the girls? She now acts like we are best friends. As soon as I walked in, she could tell I was upset & asked me what was wrong. I thought that was sweet. No one at my other job noticed I was upset & I had even been crying! (not that I want to admit that). I told her a little about what happened, but then I had to put on a fake smile & act happy because I was at work.

After work, a bunch of people were going out. I talked to MB before I left. I told him that I had a shitty day but that he cheered me up and that I love working with him. He told me he loves working with me too. Then I got up the nerve to ask him about going out after work. He said he was hoping to go too. Then he asked for my phone number & said he would call me later on and let me know either way, since he was stuck at work for awhile longer. Then he hugged me like 3 times. So I left & went to the bar w/everyone else. It was 5 guys vs. 2 girls, so odds were in my favor. ha. We had a great time drinking & talking & watching the guys play poker. Then HW & I started talking about music and he even requested a Zeppelin song just for me. :) He wanted me to listen to some GOOD music. Oh & MB actually did call me, but he couldn't make it out with us. :( He seemed disappointed too. I told him that I wanted to hang out with him & he said he wanted to hang out with me too & maybe we can some other time. So we'll see. I can't wait to see him again on Friday. I really don't think there is a chance anything could happen between me & MB, but he is fun to have as a friend. He is so sweet and fun to be around. And of course I love all the attention. Who wouldn't?? I almost want to pick up some extra shifts so I can work w/him more.

So anyway, Friday day may have been shitty, but Friday night was good.

I have a few things to write about, so most likely this will be split up into 3 different posts. Hope I don't bore you all too much!

Friday sucked. I don't know if any of you have heard of Yahoo 360, but you can make a profile & post stuff about yourself & write blogs. A bunch of my friends (actually pals, but only like 2 of you will know what I mean...) are on it. We've all been posting blogs & commenting & it's been fun. Well, earlier in the week, I had mentioned in a blog that I was confused about some feelings I still had for my ex. That is NORMAL. It is tough to go through a breakup. Someone I don't know had commented on my blog, saying I was "obsessed" and holding onto the past & I will never find someone new, etc. I responded and said I don't think I am obsessed, I just had a lot on my mind & was having trouble dealing with it. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings. Well, then other people read my response and got mad that I was being too defensive. So this one girl posts a whole freaking blog about me, titled "Am I crazy or are people just too sensitive???" Upon reading her blog, it was very obvious that by "people" she meant ME.

First of all, I was humiliated that she wrote that, knowing that all of my/our friends were going to read it, and everyone would know it was all about me. The issue did not even concern her, and it was several days ago, so I don't understand why she had to bring it up anyway. She said I should get my own personal diary and write in that instead, and she said "I guess some people are just better than others at hearing advice or taking it in, even though it's not what they want to hear." So I responded saying that I wish she would have approached me directly, rather than post a blog about it. Yes, I can be sensitive. Just as everyone can have their own opinions, I can too. To that, she responded "I have never met someone who has such low self-esteem as you."

How the hell am I supposed to have good self-esteem if people just constantly say mean things to me? I never feel like I am good enough. I wasn't good enough for my ex-boyfriend and I wasn't good enough for my 3 former best friends. Most people don't have anything positive to say to me and I think it would be hard for anyone to deal with that. Here is how I would describe myself: caring, dependable, intelligent. Here is how others have described me: insecure, shy, quiet. Obviously I think more highly of myself than others think of me. So I mentioned all this in an email to another friend & she agreed with everyone else. Then she told me I need counseling, and that everyone thinks I take things too personally & they can't say anything to me. Great. So this is how my friends truly feel about me.

My friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. I have always tried to be a good friend. But really, what is the point anymore?? I don't know who I can trust anymore. I really need to stop opening up to people and letting people get too close.

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You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

How cute is that new Coca-Cola commercial with the polar bears and the penguins?? I love it! I've always liked penguins, but ever since LR and I saw "March of the Penguins," I've loved them even more. So cute!

I can think of so many things I'd rather do than spend 2 1/2 hours at the gym almost every night. But, you do what you have to do.

I have one confirmed date for Saturday. We are meeting at Portillo's for lunch. I just remembered that my former best friend LE once met an online guy at Portillo's. Weird. Now I'm waiting on the other guy for Saturday night. I don't normally plan these meetings back to back, but might as well.

I wore my black knee-high boots to work today for the first time. I noticed so many other girls wearing similar boots. I felt so cool, like I was in some kind of club. :) ha.

I want to see the movie "Just Friends" even though it looks kinda dumb.

That's it for tonight. I should go to bed early for once.

I have decided that I am not going to talk about my ex-boyfriend anymore. I am sure he is not sitting around thinking about me or missing me. So why should I?

It snowed today. I HATE snow. I hate winter. When I start applying for teaching jobs in a couple years, I am going to look out of state. I need to move.

I don't know if I have said anything about that yet. I decided that I am going to apply for the teaching certification program at NEIU. I want to teach high school French. If I don't get accepted to that, my second choice is English. I plan to start Fall 2006. Until then, I will study French and hopefully take an acting class with sariberri. I am a little nervous to begin the teaching program & do something so completely different, but I want to do this. I am ready for a career change. I have disliked my job for a long time. Someone (who shall remain nameless) told me that I am not cut out for Corporate America. I disagree. Hey, at least I have a job. I just don't like it.

The other night I told this guy that I like to watch reruns of "Beavis and Butt-Head." He was impressed. :) See, it IS good to like things that guys like. Coincidentally, he had just bought some Mike Judge DVD.

My friend KC and I are hoping to go see Harry Potter #4 this weekend. I can't wait!

I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart - MC

EDIT: Ok, so maybe my life IS like "Sex & the City" in some ways at least. On tonight's episode, Carrie told Aidan she wants to get back together and he said he couldn't do it. And then she went to his place & pleaded with him & he shouted "YOU BROKE MY HEART!" and she ran off. :( Well, I didn't do that exactly, but... When the ex & I decided to be friends (I swear this is the LAST post I will mention him) we agreed that we would not get back together. I didn't think it would be a problem, as I was the one who ended it (I am naive). And I secretly thought that he still had feelings for me. Well I was wrong. And unlike on Sex & the City, JT did not throw rocks at my window and run upstairs to be with me & give me another shot. Instead, he told me we couldn't be friends anymore.

You know what? I should not feel guilty about having all these feelings. Because the girls on Sex & the City are just as messed up as me.

Nothing is better than a good episode of Gilmore Girls and a Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks. Aside from Luke's big secret, this was one of the best episodes I've seen in a long time. I need a boyfriend like Luke (minus the big secret). Lorelai was saying how Luke always wants to make her happy and has done all this stuff for her--yes he has. And it's about time she acknowledged it! I am SO glad Lorelai & Rory have made up.

About my (friends-only) post last night... I just have to remember that people can post about whatever they want in their blogs. Sometimes it will upset me, but I need to get over that. And I am trying. It will just take time.

My mom just called. She finally agreed to buy me this pink shimmery scarf from Express for Christmas. But she bought the wrong one & now she has to go back tomorrow. She didn't want to get it for me at first, because it's $29.50 but I convinced her that it is a cute scarf. Besides, the rest of my Christmas wish list looks like this:
1. a boyfriend
2. tickets to the Joffrey Ballet Nutcracker
3. a digital camera
4. a suitcase

So obviously a scarf from Express is the only realistic item from my list that I will be getting. Well, I am getting some other stuff too. I bought it already. ha. That is how we do gifts in my family--we either buy the stuff ourselves & get paid back, or we tell each other exactly what we want. There are pretty much no surprises. But it works. Oh, I also want this book called "Bee Season." LR & I had wanted to see the movie at the Chicago Film Festival and it looks good (I love spelling bees... and Jews... ha) But the person at the bookstore told my mom they pulled all the copies because they are re-releasing it w/the new cover (because of the movie) & they don't know when it will be coming out.

jenlookalike My brother said he might be able to get me ALF Season 1 for Christmas. :)

sariberri I thought of you today. I went to Chipotle. (I've taken a break from the chicken burrito bol & switched to chicken soft tacos). THEN, I noticed that not only do they not offer Mr. Pibb anymore, they have orange Fanta! I was disappointed about no more Mr. Pibb but orange Fanta makes up for it. Remember how when I studied abroad in England & I got addicted to it? And then you went to Cambridge over spring break & brought me back a big bottle of it? That was quite possibly one of the best souvenirs I have ever gotten. ;)

Did you get the message that I want to get back with you? Jason Mraz

This just in... I just got an email from Tuxedo Tom. Totally random. Haven't heard from the guy since July. I am telling you, something is going on!! I don't like this.

Every so often, I start to freak out that I am getting too personal in my livejournal. Sometimes I think I should go friends-only, but that's not it. I worry that I shouldn't be sharing this with stuff with anyone. Then you all might realize just how messed up I am. ;) ha. Kidding. But part of me knows I need to get this stuff out. Whether 1 person reads it or 100, I'll never know.

Because I'm freaking out right now that I've opened up too much, I talk about my ex too much, I complain about being single too much, etc... Here are 10 completely random things.

1. The best smelling lotion I own is Jaqua Pink Buttercream Frosting lotion. This stuff is SO good.

2. Best lip color: MAC Lustreglass. It's a combination of lustre + glass. It's shimmery and lasts a long time. I have 3 of them: Little VI, Star Nova and Flusterose.

3. Starbucks Gingerbread Latte. This stuff is the best. I look forward to it every holiday season!

4. Lucky Charms cereal. Today I got the chocolate flavored version which is pretty good. I made my dad buy it for me since my parents dragged me to the grocery store.

5. Last night I watched like 2 hours of Beavis & Butthead. That show still cracks me up.

6. It's official--I am going to Vegas in January! I bought my tickets last night. The trip is just 2 months away. The plan is to get drunk, party all night & hook up with lots of hot guys.

7. I've always said my biggest pet peeve is when people talk during movies. I have now changed that to when people talk during movies/plays/musicals/etc. People are so rude!

8. Philosophy Cinnamon Buns. I have the shower gel, body souffle and lip gloss & I love it all!

9. Friday night at work, MB told me he loved me. He's the guy who flirts with me all the time. I know he was kidding, but still... I guess I'm over-sensitive about it because no guy has ever told me they loved me, serious or kidding. My roommate was right there when he said it & as soon as MB walked away, he was like "I heard that." So, I am not making it up!

10. I love tv shows on DVD. I have Gilmore Girls, the OC, Felicity, Popular & Buffy (season 1). Today I almost bought ALF. I love that show!

I found out something today that has been bothering me all day.

My ex-boyfriend JT and my former best friend, nk, are both taking acting classes at our local community college.

What if they are in the same class? What if they have to do a scene together? What if they realize who each other is?

Why do I even care?? What is my problem?

It's kind of funny in a weird, fucked up way. My ex-boyfriend and my ex-best friend. Two people I used to care about so much. Two people who don't care about me anymore.

Coincidentally, last night I went to a play at my old high school and it made me realize how much I miss acting. I was thinking about taking a class as well.

I'm finding it very hard to find anything to be positive about lately.

I have to tell you all about my latest purchase. I just got a pair of black knee-high boots. They cost a fortune but that's the price you pay for fashion. And to get guys' attention. ;) I am going to look so sexy now. :) See, I have wanted knee-high boots forever. Ever since I saw the very first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in 1997. Unfortunately I am not a size 2 like Sarah Michelle Gellar and my calves are just too big. The ex LOVES knee-high boots. And now that I think of it, he also loved Buffy. Coincidence? Anyway, he always wanted me to wear them but how do you tell your boyfriend "Sorry, I am too fat to wear those"? I WANT to wear them, but I just couldn't. Until now. My coworker and I were talking about boots on Monday and so I wasted some time on Zappos & found the perfect pair. They are designed with a bigger shaft. I read just about every review & all these women swore these boots fit their huge calves (at least I am not alone in this). So after getting my coworker's approval, I placed my order & here they are! I canNOT wait to wear them. I will be irresistible. ;) ha. I will have to fight the guys off! I am wearing them now, and I'm getting turned on. ha. I am totally kidding. But I have to admit, the ex was right...they ARE sexy. I think I will wear them with fishnets, a black skirt & a low cut shirt and then I will be irresistible.

If only the ex could see me now. kidding. (kind of)

Anyway, I must add that Zappos.com is great. Shipping is FREE and I got my order the very next day. They arrived within 24 hours of when I placed my order. That is some excellent customer service.