nubenove

I've graduated, but I still have much learning to do. 

My outlook is much more positive and calmer than I had been a few weeks previously. Now I accept my situation, understand that there are things that I can do even though I'm stuck in a position I don't want to be. It's not your situation that defines you most of the time, it's what you make out of it. 

Certainly, I'm still worried about my choice of path. I wonder if I'm cut out to be a photographer, wonder if photography is the right medium for me. Wonder if I will like photography. So much wondering. I have the confidence that I could do the best in something that I truly liked. But I wonder if photography is that thing. 

Forget it, screw it all, I'm going to jump ahead into it and not think so much. Sometimes life just needs a healthy dose of recklessness, no? I know that being good at photography, and doing shoots, styling and doing my own concepts - I would love it. Underscored bolded italicized. So what's holding me back? Exactly what Steffi talked about - the whole, oh my god this is lousy shit that I'm taking. Can't get my focus! How do you control light? How do you make the right expression?? Oh my god, how to get so many props?! 

Ah, bingo, it's actually this barrier that I have to overcome. Barriers and boulders of self-doubt and uncertainty. I read this article about performing well under pressure today - and I agree with it:  

Why would reflecting on our great-great-grandparents help us perform better? The authors of the study note that such musings “mostly remind us about eventful and successful lives. Normally, our ancestors managed to overcome a multitude of personal and societal problems, such as severe illnesses, wars, loss of loved ones or severe economic declines. So, when we think about them, we are reminded that humans who are genetically similar to us can successfully overcome a multitude of problems and adversities.” So the next time you have to prepare for a high-pressure event, remember that compared to world wars and great depressions, a test or a presentation should be a snap.

Whenever I get down about life and stressed out, I tend to throw myself into other peoples' lives. Well so, okay, I like reading and learning about other people even when the going's good, but especially so when it's tough. Perhaps it's the feeling of living others' lives, even for a little bit, that alleviates the anxieties I feel in mine. When you learn of how people actually face and overcome hurdles in their lives, it just makes you think more about yourself as a person. Are you facing the same degree of problems? Are you doing your best to overcome it, if you haven't? 

Recently I've been obsessed with Bigbang, but the obsession only truly started when I started watching the documentary on their debut stage. Just looking at others working so hard for something that they really really want impacts me very much. I can't begin to describe how much. I envied them for having a clear goal in life, until I realised that I had one too. 

Is it because I'm not willing to sacrifice my all for it? No. Why do I feel so strange? It's because I don't dare to throw my all into it then realise that this isn't for me. 

But it we live so carefully we will never get to live at all. 

Everyone's telling me - oh wow you did great in your exams, why don't you apply to ______? (Insert government scholarship). I can't. I can't decide what I want to do for the next ten years - or I have, but somehow when I mention "photographer" people equate that to "hobby". Am I doubtful about myself - my talent, but more importantly, my passion? Yes. Do I want to try? Yes. 

Right now I can't even be classified as an amateur photographer, but I have to start. Do I want to start...? 

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

    

Scenes like this affect me very much, especially T.O.P and GD's comments at the back of the clip. Before Bigbang I was reading and listening a lot to The Beatles, and before that, Eminem. Even before that (with some other people/groups in between), it was Sylvia Plath. I guess professional music and literary critics would roll their eyes at such an incongruous jumbling of influences. But I truly am inspired by each and every one of them, in a different - and yet extremely similar - fashion. These are talented people who made it, but not without a struggle. Doing the things that they loved, perhaps not necessarily making it at all at first (read: the Beatles), but continuing because of that passion all the same. 

Maybe it's because it's at this point in my life that I have to start beginning to think of how I want to spend the rest of my days - or a significant portion of it. I may be making a big mistake, but I have to make it and learn from it. Perhaps I'll be unemployed for about ten years, and then I'll really make it. 

I always want to remember that at this point in time, I'm a girl who doesn't particularly want to centre my life around home and children too early - at least before I establish my career. Getting a boyfriend, getting married - still seems totally out of the picture, but if I could meet someone that I loved and who allowed for my freedom, I'm open to it. Remember what you are and have been at this point in time. Remember to laugh and smile even when you're in pain. Remember your dreams and your wishes, and never let go. 

Currently, my greatest problem is discipline. Bigbang helped me get out of wallowing in my very insignificant worries, but they're also a main source of distraction right now. I have too many things I want and need to do, but I'm listening and thinking about their music and experiences all the time. That's actually a source of inspiration, because I've conceptualized some images from there. I can't say how grateful I am to them - though they will never know this, and probably never care laughs. Because each individual member went through his share of problems and handled them admirably, though it sounds cheesy, I really want to do the same. (Same for when I read about the Beatles and all.) But I gotta get out of their lives to be able to fully live my own. So many things I want to do, and I'm not doing them. I love music, but music is not what I want to do. I'm learning dance now, but dance is not what I want to do. I have to really internalize that, and get rid of these side distractions so I can focus on what I really love, and want to achieve. :) 

I can do it, I'm sure. 

Glad to report that I've finally recovered. I've been down and stressed out this period, which was totally unlike my usual self. I felt like I couldn't make myself do anything - the things that I liked, the things I didn't like. All the same to me. In short, I was living in a void. It won't be long before my 18-year-old self disappears, and I couldn't be bothered to hold on to it tightly before that me died and could never come back. 

My 18-year-old self is dying soon. Isn't that true? Yesterday at work I was staring at my reflection in the staff mirror at work. The last time I will see my face like this. In this particular position, particular expression, particular time of the day. What am I doing here, I thought. Nothing, nothing and nothing. I thought for a very long time how bitter I was that I was forced into this position by various peoples whom I had never personally met, had never had any interaction with. I still am bitter - but I learned to accept. I thought I couldn't get out of my void, because it was deeper and bigger than any I had experienced before. But I discovered, as people oftentimes will, that it's the decision to take the first step that sets you on the path to becoming better. You decide your future. 

And perhaps your present is sometimes already decided upon. I must be here for some reason, I think. There must be something I must do. I'm still bitter, but I live the days more. Take them with a pinch of salt, and listen to a lot of Bigbang. Yeah, it's Bigbang who's helping me get through all this this time, not 2NE1. Probably because they just released new material. And because I need to motivate myself with other people's lives. Listened to their live of Blue the other day, and was just overcome by emotions. I don't know why. Probably because it sounded like a turning point for them, and my life is currently undergoing a major turning point. A transition. We will all split roads from here, and we won't be able to find ourselves, as we are, back. 

On another note - went for my first dance lesson yesterday, and as expected I was terrible at dancing. Never seen anyone that bad, but something strange happened. I thought I would be embarrassed to the point of crying, because I know myself that I'm not good at taking criticism. Not good at looking bad in situations. Surprisingly, this time I just really felt like putting my all into doing something that I know I can't do. I want to do this, I thought. I was embarrassed, but I had a lot of fun though I just flailed around and laughed a lot. Though it wasn't what I expected, I intend to make this work the way I wanted to when I first decided to take it. 

Help me become a better photographer. :) 

And Steffi's right, I can't dally any longer. Start, now. 

"You're in a world where nothing is real. You're paid to be always on show. Men sleep with the girl in the photograph, not with you. But your feelings are genuine. At one point I just couldn't tell who I was anymore: me or the image I was modeling. And in a weird way, the only way I felt I could be real again was to attempt suicide." 

The Breather
BY BILLY COLLINS

Just as in the horror movies
when someone discovers that the phone calls
are coming from inside the house

so too, I realized
that our tender overlapping
has been taking place only inside me.

All that sweetness, the love and desire—
it’s just been me dialing myself
then following the ringing to another room

to find no one on the line,
well, sometimes a little breathing
but more often than not, nothing.

To think that all this time—
which would include the boat rides,
the airport embraces, and all the drinks—

it’s been only me and the two telephones,
the one on the wall in the kitchen
and the extension in the darkened guest room upstairs.

 

Sunday evening, the sun's shining down through my windowpanes and carving pretty patterns in hard gold on the floor. Bold, defined squares on wooden, rectangular tiles. A play of geometrical shapes. 

Take off your spectacles and the hard edges will fade. The world will glow in pretty soft shades and blend in a multitude of hues. It is so difficult for someone used to the beauty of chaos to begin to see things clearly. 

Don't squint your eyes, now, your eyesight will just worsen. It is now dawn, and semi-formed shapes are emerging from the soft blanket of darkness. 

I hope for the day, that will come very soon. 
But then I too yearn for the night again. 

/edit @ 2145 

I have really tried to attain coherence but if I have failed I will not be weighed down by the impossibility of ever being able to do so. 

Looking at the geog reports Moon and I did back in Year 4 makes me miss working with her very much. 

It also makes me feel incredibly irritated at my present state. 

So I rarely post lyrics and songs and stuff on my blog, but this song is really beautiful. I think they're my favourite band now.

Now I know what I must do.

Posted via LjBeetle

Omg I wanna marry this guy he is AMAZING!!! 





Omgggggggg. 

Ok shall stop fangirling at 2AM and go bathe (yes I am gross I have been fainting over unemployment and was only revived by this guy - he's so funny and so super talented!!) and sleep.

(Suddenly feels a strong desire to pick up a recorder laughs.)