"I shall destroy your happiness!" "My... happiness...? Am I happy?"
Rated S for shitface because the word "happy" and
"unhappy", in their simplicity, will be used FREQUENTLY. I honestly
don't know how I'll squeeze this journal out, but I know it will be
long and most likely I'll be too busy ranting to get to any point.
Honestly, am I happy? Everyone else seems to be bouncing in happiness.
Me? ... Not so much. Let's start out with the one positive point: I
bought World of Warcraft a couple of weeks ago. That counts as
happiness. Hmm, but from there it all went downhill and icky.
The day after I bought it, I wasted an entire Friday driving around California and NOT playing Warcrack. Not too bad.
I write a drabble gift for a drabble gift thingy. I post it. The person
never reads it. No one ever reads it except for Steph. Just plain annoying.
Then I get sick that Monday after Rhea's birthday party. I have to stay homesick on Tuesday. Yatta!
Here's where it gets cruel. So I'm sick. I can't touch my Grandma
and be around her much. I'm in my room miserably reading and
Warcracking when I hear a BIG BOOM. So immediately thinking it's my
Grandmother falling, I run to the living room. Sure enough there is her
on the floor with her knocked over chair. She tells me, "I can't move."
I think, "Excellent. AbsoFUCKINGlutely excellent." So I get he up
eventually and I just sit her in her chair and get her more food and
drink. I have NO idea what to do because it looks like she
seriously cannot move her shoulder. My mom says "wait for me to come
home, don't call norr" (who happens to be 10 minutes away and I ended
up calling him anyways after 3 HOURS of waiting for my mother).
So as the night goes on, she says she can't move her leg either! Grr.
So eventually me and Norr get her to the hospital and we wait for a
diagnosis and it was this: a broken arm and a broken hip. Grr. And I
already felt guilty but after knowing it was her hip, the one thing
everyone wanted to avoid, I felt like shit. And two weeks later, I
STILL feel like shit. I feel TOTALLY responsible no matter how many
times a friend or my mom tells me otherwise. But there's nothing I can
do to change it, so let's not talk about that part. Instead, let's just
say that the entire situation flat out ENDED my "HAPPINESS" for
now. If I'm not at home wanting to be at the hospital, I'm at the
hospital. And if I'm at home, it's usually because I have massive
projects to do. During my absence of two days (one for sickness,
one for hospital sitting), I acquired two MASSIVE projects. Absolutely
spiffing. Oh yeah. Because of the surgery, her body went into
shock and had a heart attack. How could I forget that tidbit?
And I here's a fun bit: you've gotta pretend to be
happyhappyluckyluckymonkeymonkey otherwise you have to stew in your
unhappiness in front of people and make them unhappy. We have no money,
we can't afford to live here but we have to, all of my mothers savings
have been depleted since last December 31st, the day I predicted
everything would go downhill. And that's depressing. Everything HAS
gone downhill. Hmm.. what else? Oh yeah. Since that date, my mother's
husbands son died, my Grandma got sick, my Grandma had a stroke, my
Grandma got Alzheimers, we have no money (as I'm constantly reminded),
my Grandma broke her shoulder, hip, and had a heart attack, and
everyone else for the most part seems to be happy.
That usually doesn't affect me so much. If I'm depressed while other
people are happy and perfect, I'm fine and congradulate their
happiness. But I'm REALLY not happy. And I keep hearing about
wonderful things for people. And I'm actually happy for them. But I
honestly am depressed for myself, something I really don't enjoy.
I don't find it selfish that I'm depressed about all of these things
(which are magnified when depressed). I feel that ever since the end of
my sophmore year, it's really okay to keep sadness to myself because no
one was there to tell I was sad. Before that, as most of you
know, if I was depressed I let you know because I figured people would
have something to say, a suggestion or a word of comfort. And they did.
But when you suddenly feel like you have to face each day with no one
(no one you can confide these things in), you'd rather be by yourself,
drenched in whatever tears you've got. And, fuck, it's annoying being sad and guilty and depressed and all around shitty. But I was still happy for other peoples happiness.
Suddenly, people are getting everything I want or everything they want
in life or in the here and now. And I try and feel good about it and if
I didn't feel like shit, that might be possible. But after hearing ONE
thing after ANOTHER, I just want to run out of the house to some
friends house, and I wouldn't mind being soaked in the rain and
freezing all over. It'd be okay. I'd have someone to talk to and
take my mind off of things. But nope. I shall, as I said before, stew
in my lack of happiness.
...I think I need to go back to the Castle and watch Ranma.
Want to know why I've neglected my journal and aim and whatever for these past two weeks? Voila. Hospital rooms are cozy.
"unhappy", in their simplicity, will be used FREQUENTLY. I honestly
don't know how I'll squeeze this journal out, but I know it will be
long and most likely I'll be too busy ranting to get to any point.
Honestly, am I happy? Everyone else seems to be bouncing in happiness.
Me? ... Not so much. Let's start out with the one positive point: I
bought World of Warcraft a couple of weeks ago. That counts as
happiness. Hmm, but from there it all went downhill and icky.
The day after I bought it, I wasted an entire Friday driving around California and NOT playing Warcrack. Not too bad.
I write a drabble gift for a drabble gift thingy. I post it. The person
never reads it. No one ever reads it except for Steph. Just plain annoying.
Then I get sick that Monday after Rhea's birthday party. I have to stay homesick on Tuesday. Yatta!
Here's where it gets cruel. So I'm sick. I can't touch my Grandma
and be around her much. I'm in my room miserably reading and
Warcracking when I hear a BIG BOOM. So immediately thinking it's my
Grandmother falling, I run to the living room. Sure enough there is her
on the floor with her knocked over chair. She tells me, "I can't move."
I think, "Excellent. AbsoFUCKINGlutely excellent." So I get he up
eventually and I just sit her in her chair and get her more food and
drink. I have NO idea what to do because it looks like she
seriously cannot move her shoulder. My mom says "wait for me to come
home, don't call norr" (who happens to be 10 minutes away and I ended
up calling him anyways after 3 HOURS of waiting for my mother).
So as the night goes on, she says she can't move her leg either! Grr.
So eventually me and Norr get her to the hospital and we wait for a
diagnosis and it was this: a broken arm and a broken hip. Grr. And I
already felt guilty but after knowing it was her hip, the one thing
everyone wanted to avoid, I felt like shit. And two weeks later, I
STILL feel like shit. I feel TOTALLY responsible no matter how many
times a friend or my mom tells me otherwise. But there's nothing I can
do to change it, so let's not talk about that part. Instead, let's just
say that the entire situation flat out ENDED my "HAPPINESS" for
now. If I'm not at home wanting to be at the hospital, I'm at the
hospital. And if I'm at home, it's usually because I have massive
projects to do. During my absence of two days (one for sickness,
one for hospital sitting), I acquired two MASSIVE projects. Absolutely
spiffing. Oh yeah. Because of the surgery, her body went into
shock and had a heart attack. How could I forget that tidbit?
And I here's a fun bit: you've gotta pretend to be
happyhappyluckyluckymonkeymonkey otherwise you have to stew in your
unhappiness in front of people and make them unhappy. We have no money,
we can't afford to live here but we have to, all of my mothers savings
have been depleted since last December 31st, the day I predicted
everything would go downhill. And that's depressing. Everything HAS
gone downhill. Hmm.. what else? Oh yeah. Since that date, my mother's
husbands son died, my Grandma got sick, my Grandma had a stroke, my
Grandma got Alzheimers, we have no money (as I'm constantly reminded),
my Grandma broke her shoulder, hip, and had a heart attack, and
everyone else for the most part seems to be happy.
That usually doesn't affect me so much. If I'm depressed while other
people are happy and perfect, I'm fine and congradulate their
happiness. But I'm REALLY not happy. And I keep hearing about
wonderful things for people. And I'm actually happy for them. But I
honestly am depressed for myself, something I really don't enjoy.
I don't find it selfish that I'm depressed about all of these things
(which are magnified when depressed). I feel that ever since the end of
my sophmore year, it's really okay to keep sadness to myself because no
one was there to tell I was sad. Before that, as most of you
know, if I was depressed I let you know because I figured people would
have something to say, a suggestion or a word of comfort. And they did.
But when you suddenly feel like you have to face each day with no one
(no one you can confide these things in), you'd rather be by yourself,
drenched in whatever tears you've got. And, fuck, it's annoying being sad and guilty and depressed and all around shitty. But I was still happy for other peoples happiness.
Suddenly, people are getting everything I want or everything they want
in life or in the here and now. And I try and feel good about it and if
I didn't feel like shit, that might be possible. But after hearing ONE
thing after ANOTHER, I just want to run out of the house to some
friends house, and I wouldn't mind being soaked in the rain and
freezing all over. It'd be okay. I'd have someone to talk to and
take my mind off of things. But nope. I shall, as I said before, stew
in my lack of happiness.
...I think I need to go back to the Castle and watch Ranma.
Want to know why I've neglected my journal and aim and whatever for these past two weeks? Voila. Hospital rooms are cozy.