You know you like my style.

So college. Woooowwww. Not going like I'd thought it would. I think I fucked up from day 1. And now that I'm so far out of routine, it has become so hard to get back. I have a cold, I'm behind in all my assignments, I just ran out of money already, my rooms a mess, and I continue to sabotage myself. I suppose that all self-destruction really is NOT doing what you're supposed to. Not doing my homework, not saving my money, not cleaning my room, not taking steps to make my own life better. No matter how much I ask advice from people, they can't tell me what I already know. And plus all the advice is supposed to inspire me? I'm supposed to be like OH! OK! I'll start doing that! I am not having much luck with this whole life. I would be perfect as a celebrity with unlimited cash flow. But I'm actually a nobody at Christian reformed private school. Failing. Honestly what am I doing? What am I thinking? Am I in control of my body??? I'll finish this later

Well I'm certainly glad the live journal aristocrats have decided to take mercy on me and my miserably attended account, because this is pretty much the only thing that might make me feel better right now. I'm in one of those moods where you just want to smoke a cigarette. But you just had two, and you don't even have any of your own. I'll get desperate enough soon here to walk over to the assorted "smoke pits" and bum an apparatus. I was in a great mood going into tonight, and I arrived at my dorm feeling pretty upbeat. But it's this ani difranco shit that's bringin me down. It reminds me of all the good friends far away, and it even makes me feel bad for being lazy--like i've got this obligation to live my life better than I've been doing it. It makes me look at my current life and feel sad for myself. Makes me feel like a fool for being hopeful with my social endeavours. This music twangs with a longing for the life I've left behind. Have I forgotten how to make my life my own? Who's life am I living? Then again I'm all here and I am what I am. It's just one of those crisis moments in which you realize your life isn't going as you'd imagined. Even heroes made mistakes. This feeling creeps up on me, and I was trying to put my finger on it the other night. It really puts me into place tho. I feel as if I've been ridicule by my memories. They're saying to me, "Goddamn you Ian. Remember where the fuck you came from and where the fuck you're going. Remember who the fuck you are." My memories don't like being ignored, and in general I don't like to ignore them and take a general interest in my memories. But night before last I left my memories out of the whole equation, and tonight they put me in my place. It's as if this memory and this trigger and the fateful evens that led to this trigger are all part of my inner essence. And this triggered reaction seems almost like a survival instinct or a natural restoration of order. Like anything in life that comes in great numbers, there is a standard deviation from the norm and an average of characteristics. There are extremes to every option. Everyone has a path. My path involves a million billions of things that make me who I am and make everyone else who they are. Some of those things are out of character and will stray from the path a little, but as long as you get back to the path you'll stay on it. You can find other paths, but straying only hurts if you find yourself on a bad path. Strictly by my own visual mind-creation I imagine a soul or spirit or aura that's sort of operating everything making everything happen through a billion indirect and sometimes direct ways. This energy is in everything and flows through all things. This energy can also be concentrated or amplified. The energy is kind of like a computer in that it is causing and calculating an almost infinite number of interactions and experiences for all things inanimate or animate. A slight jog of the memory is only the complex series of seemingly insignificant events that revives some passed experience. These seemingly insignificant events, these "small things" started a revelation and changed the course of a life. These events, as I imagine them, are the butt of something much greater here. Something that will most likely take my life's dedication and determination.

I feel better. I'm gonna go have cigarettte.

Love,
ian

As many of you know, i'm in cali. san clemente to be exact. and for those of you basking in even furthur ignorance, san clemente is a beach town just south of laguna. i came down here to do half of the rehab program at pacific hills, after a full 28 days in arlington heights. i graduated bout 4 months ago. pac-hills is a lot more laid back and it's an adult program, so as of late, my dearest friends and general acquaintences range from about 21 to 65. the younger guys that graduated from pachills anywhere from a year ago to a month ago have sort of formed a clique of guys in recovery that basically moved out here and stayed(not unlike myself). apparently that's what most of california's residents have done. once you're out here (for some) there just isn't anything worth going back to. but for me, I am enjoying the change and I intend to spend atleast a year here if not more to gain an experience that I can deem satisfactory. if i could postpone my aging and travel the globe living in every environment in existance, my head would be a lot clearer. there are just so many different lives completely independant from one another that we could never possibly meet everyone. i worked out the math. according to the U.S.Census Bureau, there are 6,539,962,471 people in the world as of 7:29 GMT on Aug 26, 2006. if we had every person in the world lined up infront of us, we didn't have to eat or sleep, and we spent every second from the age 13-85 shaking the hand of each human and exchanging names, then that would leave 2.88 seconds per person. that's about enough time to look them in the eye, shake their hand, say:
"Hi my name's Ian."
"Hi my name's Rozelle."
"Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."
*next*
And so. my conclusion is that we need not worry about how many people we know or how popular we are, nor whether we'll find the perfect mate, nor whether there are better friends out there, nor whether there is someone who completely understands us. we will stumble upon the people that we will stumble upon. the future is set in stone just like the past, and the present is simply the merger. what will be, will be, and it will not be anything else.(que sera) it's in the merger that we live, and it's in the present that we can think. you can't think in yesterday, you can only think today, "what/why/how/when was yesterday?" you can speculate the future, but it will come sure enough and before you know it, the things that once troubled us are fossilized in time. there is no furthur speculation about what the present will be, the present has come and gone and you have an understanding of it (be it weak or strong - it makes no difference).
and yet still i spend my days wondering what college is best and which career to pursue, why I've done what i've done and what i'll do if i do it. they say an alcoholic is someone that has one foot in the future, one foot in the past, and he's pissing on the present. and so i try oh so hard to live in the now. it's the strangest thing... for some reason i've taken consolation in what a good friend of mine told me yesterday. i confronted him with these words:
"Steven. I need you to tell me that I don't need to worry about my future."
"Whaddyou mean? Like what?"
"Like what i'm gonna do with my life and how well i'll be able to do it, if i'll ever find serenity or inner peace, what college i'm going to attend...(and then I trailed off because I sensed the mutual understanding of "those kinds of questions")
and he responded by calling over another of his friends:
"Hey Jeff! Let me ask you something."
"Sure."
"Since you've been sober(7 years), have you ever gone a day without a roof over your head?"
"No."
"Ever missed a meal?"
"No."
"Ever not had someone to talk to?"
"No."
"Would it be safe to say that you've been pretty well taken care of?"
"Yeah."
"Would it also be safe to say that -in general- you've gotten everything you've needed?"
"Yup."
"Any regrets?"
"None."
"Thanks, you can go now."
"Any time."
Steven then turned to me and spoke:
"Ian, God's gonna do for you whatever he's got planned. Do you think God's got plans for you to be homeless?"
"Naw probly not."
"No neither do I. As long as you work this program there's gonna be a plan for you. a destiny - if you will. And God will put you into the right college and give you the right wife and give you everything that you were always meant to be given. He's pretty fucking cool like that."
And with that he patted me on the back and walked away.
Now my mind's still trying to decide about the whole God-faith-religion thing, but atleast for now, I'm pretty damned okay with just accepting that what will be will be, and existance is eternal.


So that's where I'm at right now. I'll update again soon enough. I've got over a year's worth of livejournal entries to catch up on. your lives are mysterious books that i'm about to power-read.

much love and give me a jingle 219-510-7141 (phone really is the best way to talk excluding face2face)
keep well

ian

I'm extremely happy, sad, and excited to discover this journal is still up and running. I'll begin writing more and more soon, but tonight is not the night.
late
ian

Hey just felt like updating again to apologize for the last entry. I think i'm a little better now that I got a few things taken care of around the house. I think i'm gonna fast for fun. Thursday one meal, friday one meal before the concert, and saturday one meal unless i exercise. Fasting is good for the mind. Not the brain really, cuz you need nutrients and all that jazz. But it is definately good for the mind. Makes you think.

Tomorrow i leave at 6 for benharper. Probably get there and camp out in line around 1 or 2. Maybe earlier. Camp out all day and all night and all day the next day. Then harp it up around 7 I think and hopefully until curfiew (2am). Then camp it out at Addison Oak County Park and sleep till morning. Head back refreshed.


Ian most definately loves.
Maybe he's got too much.
He sure doesnt know how to use it though.


Keep well yarngins.

ian

Hey everybody what's hangin. Just thought i'd drop off an update this fine morning. Either the world is a horrible place or my world is a horrible place. I haven't figured out which yet but i'm working on it. Don't worry though and don't leave a whole bunch of comments saying oh ian it'll be ok, because i'm fine. I look at that shit like a fact, not like something emotional. Over the years i've developed the ability to completely control my emotions. Granted this is an extreme case and it's pretty hard to keep the cap on this bottle, but eventually carbonation settles down and the drink goes flat. Whatever it is don't expect to see the same ian ever again. This was the thing i needed right now and i just dont have the energy for anything else. Much love to everyone. Keep well. Love is one thing that keeps going in the worst of times. But then again this isn't the worst. Everything's fine go play with your little sister. Try to make as many pure and good memories as possible.





PS-Don't make any comments

I'm really happy that ultimate frisbee season is starting again. Along with ultimate frisbee season comes nice weather, summer swim season, the 4th 9 weeks, shorts-wearing season, and bonfire season. Work starts for me again at the end of may. It'll be good to have some more money. I'm not doing too bad right now though i've got like 30 stashed away. I hope this weekend is good. It should be. This week has been real easy so far and the only thing that's kind of rough is the test on friday and the quiz tomorrow. Neither is too bad though I dont think. Alright peace out everyone i just felt like i should update, ain't shit else to do.


ian

What's up everybody. It's spring break today and tomorrow and for another week after that. I'm glad. I think it's going to pass by quickly and not a whole lot of awesome things are going to happen, but if they do, I predict it'll be this weekend. Jack Johnson, James Taylor, Jurassic 5, Ben Harper, Bob Dylan, and Ray Charles. Courtney fell asleep tonight and slept on me while I watched Punk'd and Viva la Bam for 2 hours. There wasn't much on TV. And it upset me because they showed me all the tv shows and movies i could be watching if we were just upstairs watching tv in the room where the tv has satellite. And she was asleep so i didn't want to disturb her so I just chilled. It turned out to be worth it because the episodes were pretty spectacular and I laughed pretty hard. I have to help out with some church set-up thing tomorrow morning from 10-11 so that's gonna wake me up earlier than I want to, but for the rest of the day all I have is chillin with frayunds. Sam-n-John are back from caullidge. <tis tizite. And it's spring break so there's no school and no homework and somewhat of a sense of carefree ignorance that parents will let you have a.k.a. your rents will probably be nicer and not make you do as many chores as usual. I'm gonna go to bed now though. Good times this spring break I hope. Keep well everyone. Much love to yall and yalls childrens. Yessur. Iam