Mephisto

I shouldn't be here typing this out...I should be out getting stuff...but I am...go figure...so I'll make this one all short....off to the party tonight..so that means no driving for me and I'm not coming home tonight...which is cool...because I really don't feel like being home another night in a row..it's depressing...I'd put my best ideas for what to get Ali for her birthday here..but she knows the addy to this now...so no presents ideas on here...mwahaha....yes...I'm so tricky....btw ...happy birthday Ali....yet another year closer to dust...anyway...my cat is talking at me.....

I had a dream that he jumped in a pool and almost drowned....because it turns out he's not a very good swimmer..and the pool was really murky so it took me forever to find him with the skimmer and get him out..it was horrible...hope it wasn't like a premonition or something....my cat doesn't deserve to die!...

So I stood there, alone in all of the known world and looked out and saw it. Something simple, something beautiful, and something horrific. A sunset. The sky was a beautiful pink as sun slowly started to crash into the horizon. The breeze was warm, a small consolation given the situation. The night could be so cold. I started to walk, each footfall making just a little noise on the pavement. I'm not sure where I'm walking too. It will be the same all around here. Darkness has come like a disease and will soon infect everything here, and running won't help. I enter the park. I've always loved the park, it's a part of me, or maybe I am a part of it. The rolling green grass, only interrupted by baseball diamonds and the faint promise of laughter and excitement. The park lives, I don't think anything else does.

Why am I still alive? What purpose could that possibly hold. I have searched and searched some more and I no longer have any reason to suspect that anyone still lives. They all died that day, and I don't think that any amount of hoping will change that. For the longest time I thought, maybe just maybe someone survived, but nothing. I exist on canned foods, using matches to start fires, but I don't know why I still bother. I could just die, see where the others ended up. My mother, my father, my brother, the kids playing down the street. All wiped out, as if they just evaporated.

I heard the explosion that day, there had to be more then one, but it was so loud, there was nothing else, no other noise could possible be as significant, it passed through me like a wave of heat, but something held onto me, held me together, forced me to stay. An ironic punishment for someone that never really liked people? Maybe. This definitely could be hell.

The animals seemed to survive, my cats did, it's hard to find them their "type" of food in this wasteland. Except for the park. The park just seems to get a little bigger with each passing day. Growing into and over the nothingness. I don't remember it ever being this beautiful before, but at the same time, everything else wasn't so ugly.

I no longer sleep. I can't. I see their faces in my dreams. Every last one of them. Smiling, laughing, and then dying. I can't afford to have anymore empty casket funerals. It takes too much out of me emotionally.

I should start a fire, the sun is gone now. Hidden for another while. What's the point. I'm not hungry anyway. Taking a seat on a bench on the far side of the park, over looking the old playground equipment. A snake slithers by.

"This is where I first kissed a girl"
"Oh really?" said the snake
"Yes, it is. By the way, don't tell anyone I talk to you, I don't want people to think I'm crazy" I laughed to myself
"What people?" the snake laughed harder
"That's a little below the belt Mr. Snake."
"Actually my name is Luci"
"You have a name? And you're female? Well my mistake Luci"
"Yes and please don't make that mistake again"
"Any male snakes around for you Luci?"
"Yes I have a few suitors"
"I think I could do with just one, female suitor that is" he smiled to himself.
"Well who's that?"
"Who's what?"
"Over there by the old entrance"

He squinted in that direction, not really expecting to see anything, but there was a form there, though hard to see in the moonlight.

"Well Luci I think I have to go"
"I understand, nice talking to you"
"Always"

Taking off from my seat I ran, running so hard that each step echoed until I hit the grass. Slipping on wet Grass I ran only harder, getting closer more and more and more of it came into focus. So used to disappointment yet so hard not to get one's hopes up. He reached the clearing by the gate and there she was. Another human being, her long black hair and lightly tanned skin, ripped clothing and dirt all over her.

"Oh my God, I've been so alone, for so long. I thought there was nobody else, I even started talking to animals. You're real right?"

"Yes of course I'm real" she smiled

It was as if the sun had returned for an encore.

"So where are you from? Are there others?"
"I'm from very very far away, I was just kind of pulled here, though it took forever to get here, I left shortly after the war. And no" tears came to her eyes "I have seen no one else."

He instinctively wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him and placing a hand on her back, rubbing.

"At least you found me" he smiled

"Who are you? What should I call you?"

It had been a long time since I had been asked that, It took me a second to recall.

"It's Adam, what's yours?"
"It's Eve"

"Well nice to meet you Eve, I think everything can only get better from here"

She just smiled.

Man I had a lot of dreams last night...and they all slipped away so quickly I don't know if any of them were cool or not...

I have to drive my grandparents somewhere tonight so they can go and get hammered without worrying about driving...umm I should get that present for Ali today...or maybe tomorrow I guess if I sneak it in there..

I'm on the warpath now..and anything said is only going to make it worse....I welcome kris' attempt to piss me off this time *s* I welcome it with open arms...even though I think kat is more likely to get an e-mail from him..because it was her that told me that Amy was online..when Amy was invis to me...but other then that I guess she's innocent...but people usually would rather blow up about stuff like that then come after me...

"I hate it when I can't sleep" ...he said as he opened his eyes for about the third time since he had gone to bed. A sure sign that he had retreated from the battle within. Too many thoughts, all of them trying to struggle for dominance in his conscious as he was trying to quiet them all. Turning onto his side the covers pulled with him, messing them up further. It was really late now, or really early, depending on how you wanted to look at it. The darkness that once was, was not being replaced by an eerie soft blue light to signify that the sun was rising, and it's intense light would soon be there. He did not want to be up for that, he was supposed to be asleep by that point, as everyone should be, well almost everyone. His eyes glanced at the glowing red numbers on his clock, which read 5:04. "Why can't I get rid of you tonight?" He already knew the answer though. She was fresh in his mind again. The blankets were too hot now and the whole experience was becoming more and more dreadful. Breathing deeply he tried to relax, the blankets going up and down slowly with his chest, he had to relax to extract this all from his mind before it drove him insane. The creaks in the house, the rising heat in his bed, and the ever encroaching sun. It was like a cleverly deployed assault on him, tactically sound and moving in for the kill with each passing moment. He sat up quickly...letting his eyes drift around the room, still breathing deeply, everything had a form again, becoming slowly more in focus.

Looking at the clock again 5:27. The red was mocking him. The door to his bedroom moved slightly, at first he took it to be a cat or something. Or maybe even his tired mind playing tricks on him, but when it opened all the way he could see it wasn't that at all, but her instead. As beautiful as ever. Her blonde hair coming through despite the dim light...

"What?" he began to say. And was met with a "Shh"

For some reason that satisfied his curiosity for the time being and he went to get up, but she moved closer and put her hand on his chest gently pushing him down, and onto his back. He made a slight protest and then ultimately gave in. She slowly pulled down her jeans and panties and left them as a ball at her feet. He didn't move, he wouldn't dare. She straddled his waist and pulled off her shirt, purple, her favourite colour. Then leaning down her lips slowly meeting his, brushing up against each other at first, teasing, and then locking she pressed into him hard, he entered her mouth slowly with his tongue, tasting her again after so long, all of the memories flooding back. She held his hands down, looking into his eyes, as she kicked the sheets off the bed, now the only clothing on was her bra, as he always slept in the nude. Her flesh now in full contact with his. He moaned out gently.

"I've missed" again he was interrupted with a "shhhh"

Her lips made their way to his neck, kissing, sucking, and biting. Her breaths sending shivers through his body, his whole body giving itself to her. His mind too tired to fight this, his body wanting this for so long.

They embraced, held each other tight, explored each other as the sun kept up its assault, making the lovers more and more visible. Eventually she fell content to just rest her head on him. Not a word was exchanged, she just fell asleep with him, and as he closed his eyes, a feeling of mourning washed over him, he wondered why but for a second, as a distant music that seemed to be playing in a slightly different world, but it was coming closer, until it was in his room. His eyes shooting open, she was gone, worse, she was never there.

The clock read 1:00. It was after lunch his stomach empty his heart more so.

"Once my reason for getting up in the morning, now my excuse to sleep the days away" he said to himself as he quickly got out of bed, and on with his seemingly empty day.

So what's up? ..I've still got the party to go to on Saturday...I think I'll just go ahead and drink myself to death *s* or die trying....other than that..not a whole lot...there should be more going on a Thursday...but there isn't *s* it's actually quite dead....the lawn needs cut...so I have to get around to that at some point ...blah..cutting the lawn sucks..why doesn't it cut itself? ....or better..my brother could do it *s ...

I still have to get him a present..his birthday is coming up at the end of the month...I'm sure I'll come up with something...I usually do...

I really like Nin - supernaut....it's so raw....it's easily identifiable with right now...just raw emotion *s* ....I'm glad I discovered it *s* ...I love the Internet for that...

Okay the following is what someone put in the guestbooks of someone my brother knows...now...keep in mind he's not the most well liked kid in the world...but on the other hand..he is 14...this person is definitely not

First Name : Amy
URL : Wouldn't want to show yours up Jon.
Comment : Wow, this is the biggest piece of shit i've ever seen. Congrat's jon on learning the art of plagiarism. So what do you like the most about the leafs jon? You are a big loser. I hope someone beats you up next year.

like wow...I don't think I would go that far or even at all...just thought that was interesting.

So I went and saw final fantasy...visually stunning....story left much to be desired..but are any of us really surprised...no not really...this could lead to another nasty comment..but no..that would only be a temporary solution to my mood *s*

So I saw Amy....and yes..she was still attractive to me...she was still beautiful...which I don't know why I expected any different...but at the same time I guess after so long you expect them to have changed..for everything they've done to you to manifest on them...she was wearing a shirt I always loved..at least I think it was the same one...the one from her high school pic...god I sound obsessive *s* ..which is something Sara pointed out to me...maybe I am...I just can't seem to let this feeling completely die...now don't get me wrong..another part of me still wants to rip her to shreds and leave her to be picked clean by buzzards...but they're both fighting for dominance right now...I dunno..I feel like there is stuff unsaid...unseen..I'd love to go out for like one last dinner or something...you know...just kind of a passive way to see how evil each of us has really become in each others eyes...it's the same thing that happened with Leigh...it's so easy to demonize someone...to justify your actions...I say this for both sides...it's much harder to stab them in the heart to their face *s* ...I think that's why Amy would never agree to something like that...but it's just a thought I've had..maybe a passing one....

I feel like I'm living in a nightmare...not because of the above mentioned...but just little things...all these weird coincidences lately..and the fact that less and less lights work in my house..and in dreams I always find that none of the lights work..and that's when I always try and wake up..when I notice the lights are all out...I guess the simple answer would be ..get new lights....but it just seems appropriate I guess...some would be a pain in the ass anyway...like the ones that hang in the hallway when you come in the door...the ones my dad almost has to kill himself to change...so those won't be fixed any time soon..the other ones have cases around them and so on..but I guess I should get on that..shed some light on my life *s* ....

...so I get up this morning having a dream about Amy...it took me a while to figure out what my dream had been...and once I figured it out I quickly got up *s* not wanting to risk another one...the weird thing is then she was online when I went on..right after getting up....that's like two psychic things in two days...if this continues to tomorrow I think I'm going to start trying to predict lottery numbers....because that'll definitely be a sign..as opposed to the dead birds..which are just depressing...and impossible to figure out as far as I'm concerned...

I find it really hard to delete people off my icq list....I noticed that today when a few people came on that never come on anymore.....I guess hitting delete is like giving up on them...or something...giving up on that connection...something I hate doing..but maybe I should start doing more of *s* ...it could really help in some instances...like letting go of certain things...I'm a bit of a pack rat by nature and that goes emotionally as well...

I have to go throw out those damn apples..Amy left them in my fridge downstairs and I've never thrown them out..it's a mix of being lazy and ...I think it's symbolic...maybe even more so that they're apples *s* maybe going back to the eve thing....but eve wasn't a blonde was she? *s* ....

I wonder how sexy eve was *s* ...I wonder how big a sin masturbating to female biblical characters is...and if it's like huge...I wonder how many times worse it is to jack off to Mary as opposed to like Jezebel...man *s* I'm going to hell for that one *s*...

Well it's as good a question as any..I really should be in bed by now *s* ...maybe I'm afraid to dream....seems like the more sleep depraved I am the less dreams I have..and sometimes that's for the best...well not that my dreams are bad in the usual kind of way...like nightmares...instead they are more like what ifs....and during them everything is always great it's only upon reflecting after getting up that they become depressing *s* ...I'm sure the you can understand where I'm coming from...in some cases "you" being me *s* ....when no one else reads...but anyway...I'm still awake...though my mind is showing definite signs of being worn out *s* ..needs a recharge so I can keep on top of my "game" ...gotta be sharp *s* ...if I'm not cutting people down..how will they know that I like them *s* ....

I sometimes wonder who has made it here *s* ...I know kat comes..because she comments *s* and I know Tracy keeps an eye on it at least from time to time..Lucas probably not *s* ...and del..I also doubt *s* ...and nobody else is supposed to know it's here *s* ...but I wonder if they do know anyway...blah..just a passing thought...

I'm going to someone's birthday party thing on Saturday...(Ali's) am I obliged to bring a gift? ....hmmm

umm you know what I hate? ...I hate one mistype that I run into a lot *s* I go to type "am I" and I end up with either "ami" or worse "amy" *s* ...damn typos *s* anyway...maybe I shall try this sleeping thing I've heard so much about

Reality....a word with so much inherent meaning and yet thrown around with the rest of the trash in our society...attached to things like survivor...or any other clone ...this is all "real TV..." ....we're watching "real" people....but reality is so much more....and also so much harder to define...we take things for granted by attaching the word reality to it...

Reality when it comes down to it ..seem to me....is popular opinion..we all get together and say this is what it is....in this we all have slightly different concepts of it ..but give that up in favour of not sounding crazy...in the end what is being crazy? ...not agreeing with the reality of others.. *S* I could say everyone else does not exist..and be considered crazy...because that's not what the majority believes (what if they don't exist? ...) so what do people then try and do...we try and fix the crazy people...assume that it's great to be like the masses instead of being different and try and force them to align their reality with the rest of us..or on the other hand..just be better at lying about it...like most of us are *S* we all believe certain things..but most of us keep our traps shut *S* ...so it seems to me that in the end we don't want to hear about reality...it scares us....what if things aren't the way our arrogant little minds perceive them to be..what then...how will I cope when I find out that new TV I bought means dick all....the funny thing is that we are so consumed by false reality is we don't want to think what it would be like without it..what if the reality is..we don't need..TV...microwave...Nike ....mc crap...........not only to survive... but to even be happy what if ...culture and TV lied to us...maybe we don't need to "keep up with the johnsons" ....maybe I sound a little hypocritical while you read this on your computer and you know I typed it up on mine....but I'm trying....I really am *S* I'm trying to understand reality....but TLC never seems to have a special on it....