Tag: Star Trek

Previously in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s late-90s epic Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction The 72 Hours Saga: The evil Jade, returned from nonexistence, teams up with Karl Crotswurth to something something and the Life Jades. Meanwhile, Tracker and Maxl would like for all existence to not stop existing. And, somewhere along the lines, a wacky figure name of BoB will sometimes pop into the story, do something nutty like pull a Beetle (car) out of his suitcase, and wander off again. You’re all caught up now.

The whole of my early-2000s Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>
> — Contents

TOM: A whole bunch of typing and a smidgen of writing.

>
> Chapter 3
> The Seventy-Two Hours

JOEL: I mean 71 hours, 59 minutes, 55 sec… 52 second… 45 second… uh, just a little under 72 hours.

>
> Maxl turned around to face

CROW: He’s been doing pirouettes this whole story.

JOEL: Tonight the part of Maxl will be played by a lazy Susan.

> the direction the voice had come
> from,

TOM: The direction from which the voice had *come*, please.

> and was surprised to see BoB standing in the doorway.

JOEL: And I think that’s a fire code violation, too.

CROW: This fanfic is losing all its credit on technical problems.

> "BoB!"
> he cried. "How’d ya get here?!"

TOM: I hung a left at the annoying guy, turned right at the annoying girl, and here I am.

>
> BoB smiled and said, "I…

CROW: Have no idea.

> have a few tricks up my sleeve.

TOM: But he’s not wearing a shirt.

> Yeah, that’s the ticket."

JOEL: Failure to yield. 75 dollars and three points on your license.

>
> "Who the hell is he?!" asked Amaroq, pointing at the man in

CROW: The yellow hat?

> the checkered, double-knit suit.

TOM: If it’s doubly knit, should’t there be like four arms in it?

CROW: You lost me on that one, Tom.

TOM: I’m just saying, you know, knit twice and all that.

JOEL: You’re standing alone here.

>
> Maxl scowled at Amaroq

CROW: [ As Maxl ] When did you get here?

> and said, "He’s BoB.

JOEL: And Bob… is boring.

TOM: What if we look at Bob from space? Bob upside-down? Over water? Under water? Bob as a sandwich?

> He’s a used car
> salesman."

CROW: We couldn’t afford a new salesman, so getting a used one was about as good.

> By then, everyone was looking at BoB.

JOEL: [ As BoB ] Um… is this thing on?

>
> "Hey!" said X. "He’s the guy who tried to sell me a Yugo

CROW: You see, Yugos are so very funny your audience will laugh if you just mention them.

> awhile ago, shortly before I met you two and Jade!

TOM: I hope the thrilling ‘Bob tries to sell X a Yugo’ scene is in the prequel to this.

> I knew that suit
> looked familiar…"

JOEL: It’s the costume SuperChicken always wore!

>
> "But," said BoB, "this has nothing to do with a Yugo.

JOEL: Hah! Ridiculing the Yugo still hasn’t lost its comic edge!

TOM: We’ve got exactly the level of wackiness you usually see in "Captain Ribman."

> It has
> to do with time.

CROW: It’s gonna take time, a whole lot of precious time.

> You see, all times are actually occurring
> simultaneously;

TOM: Hoo, boy. We better brace ourselves, guys, we’re in for a gale of cliche and nonsense.

> thus, time travel is simply a specific point in the
> broader picture of reality-hopping.

JOEL: That’s pretty much the generic science fiction explanation for everything.

>
> "One method of time travel involves meeting or breaking
> light-speed," BoB continued.

TOM: Other methods involve the author forgetting what year he said it was.

> "A couple centuries back on the planet
> Earth,

JOEL: No, wait, it’s Vulcan I’m thinking of. Never mind me.

> there was a much-esteemed scientific genius known as Albert
> Einstein who said

CROW: "Hi, I’m Albert Einstein."

> that breaking the speed of light is impossible;

TOM: It’s just too freespirited.

> however, as speed is only relative,

JOEL: And you only spend time with your relatives when you have to.

> there’s reason to believe it
> might not be.

TOM: The key evidence being the extensive footnotes Einstein left on all his original manuscripts reading, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha, suckers!"

> Say you have two objects traveling in opposite
> directions at light-speed, and you use one as a reference point to
> measure the other’s speed.

ALL: You have two objects travelling in opposite directions at light-speed, and you use one as a reference point to measure the other’s speed.

> In effect, the latter is moving at twice
> the speed of light. Get it?"
>
> "Ummm…kinda," said Maxl.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] But doesn’t the necessary contraction of the Riemannian tensors alter the spacetime coordinates of the objects moving apart — thus also altering the measured velocities of both objects — thereby keeping the relative speed within the limits of modern relativity theories?

>
> "Yeah," said Hedgehog X. "I get it. Nice theory."

CROW: [ As X, aside ] "And we’re trusting this guy with anything more precious than a cake mix?"

>
> "Breaking the speed of light, however," BoB added, "is not
> the way I prefer to use.

JOEL: I just mention it to show off how little science I know.

> I like the method of passing

TOM: You know, where you keep right except to pass.

> through a
> higher dimension much better; it’s typically less taxing than the
> light-speed method."

CROW: Plus the rest stops in higher dimensions are cleaned better.

[ To continue … ]

---

The “Bob … is boring” and “what if we look at Bob from space?” quotes a Cartoon Network public-service announcement they ran a lot in the mid-to-late 90s meant to show how the power of imagination makes disappointing things great.

I had no idea what “Captain Ribman” was but did a search just in case there were any reference to whatever the heck it was, anywhere. Turns out it was a web comic that got syndicated to college newspapers in 2000, which has to be where I ever heard of it. Apparently I was unimpressed. But I guess it’s nice they were able to make a go of it.

The story: Teen badgers Maxl and Tracker figure they have to find the cast of Sonic the Hedgehog to help them through Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s epic Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction The 72 Hours Saga. Meanwhile, Jade has enlisted the aid of someone named Karl Crotswurth to hack Robotnik’s computer or something. Anyway Robotnik’s in this fan fiction too. So is a strange zany named BoB with a magic suitcase.

The MiSTing: I wrote up a huge Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on this story, back around 2001 or so. Everything in that MiSTing should appear at this link. And after this week’s installment I’ll explain the riffs that make no sense anymore.

---

>
> Karl, who had just realized

TOM: That he wasn’t actually in this fanfic; he belonged to a shorter one, across town.

> that the Jades themselves would
> be at least level six access,

CROW: Those level six accessees get *all* the cool stuff.

> shuddered and, instead of revealing
> that insight, said,

JOEL: "You ever notice ‘chew’ is a funny word?"

> "I thought this was just to get rid of Robotnik.

TOM: And leave behind the fresh scent of pine.

> If not, you can count me out."
>
> The hacker got up out of the chair,

CROW: Oh, I bet we’re headed for some wacky comedy about how hackers live on junk food and caffeinated soda.

> and was prepared to
> leave, when a piece of cold metal pressed against his head.

JOEL: You *will* take my commemorative state quarter honoring South Carolina, "The Palmetto State"!

> Karl
> knew it was Crotswurth’s Uzi.

TOM: That’s your generic fanfic gun.

>
> "You ain’t goin’ anywhere, bud.

CROW: None of us remembers how to open doors.

> I used you this whole time,"

JOEL: Except when you were on break.

> Crotswurth lied, wishing his friend had decided to cooperate rather
> than choosing to be annihilated.

TOM: See, it’s touches of personality like that that make the story so good.

> "Now say goodbye."

JOEL: OK, lady, I love you, bye-bye.

> He pulled the
> trigger on the Uzi, and heard a clicking sound.
>
> At that moment, Karl grabbed Crotswurth’s arm, and threw him
> into the computer terminal, smashing the monitor. Jade drew a knife
> from her boot, and lunged at Karl. The hacker threw himself at the
> floor, and the badger flew over him.

JOEL: This is a lot of action considering nothing’s going on.

>
> Karl got up and ran out the door,

TOM: He beats the tag and… safe!

> knowing he had to find
> Maxl.
>
> Maxl and Tracker walked through the forest,

ALL: Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road…

> looking for a
> Teleportation Ring.

JOEL: You know, you think Teleportation Rings are all over the place, but when you really *need* one they’re just gone.

> Unknown to the badgers,

CROW: The town of Nucla, Colorado once organized a Prarie Dog Hunt in the hopes that it would bring tourists and revitalize their economy.

> they were being followed
> by a man with a bleeding lip

TOM: That’d be Captain Kirk in any fight scene.

> who was wearing a black T-shirt and
> some ragged shorts.

JOEL: Isn’t that what The Incredible Hulk wears on laundry day?

>
> "How hard is it to find

TOM: A decent bagel in this town?

> one o’ those things?!" Tracker
> muttered irately.
>
> Maxl tripped over something.

CROW: I bet he found a hole in the plot.

> "Ouch!" he exclaimed.

JOEL: [ Flatly ] "I really mean ouch!"

> "What
> the [ bleep ] was that?!" He brushed

TOM: And flossed.

> off the top of what he had

JOEL: And tried not to regret what he didn’t have.

> tripped over and found the

TOM: Lost City of Atlantis?

> concealed wreckage of a hovercycle.

JOEL: Fonzie of the Future was nowhere to be seen.

>
> "Huh?" Tracker wondered.

CROW: That’s pretty much all the personality Tracker has.

> "Could this be the one

TOM: Could it be our true love?

> that
> Crotswurth was driving?"

JOEL: It does have an "I Burned Bluebrook With Julian To Get The Life Jades" bumper sticker.

>
> Maxl shook his head.

[ ALL make baby rattle noises. ]

> "It exploded, ‘member?

CROW: That what he gets for filling the gas tank with a can of Coke and a packet of Pop Rocks.

> I’d like ta meet
> d’guy dat did dat

TOM: He’s sending a Morse code ‘K’.

> job…most likely Unca Karl,

JOEL: Or maybe it was elves.

> but maybe not. Dis
> he’ hovacycle

CROW: Aah! He somehow crossed Movie Brooklyn with Bunnie Rabbot’s accent!

> don’t look dat wrecked, do’…in fact, it looks like
> it still might woik!"

JOEL: Hovercycles usually fix themselves if you just leave them alone.

>
> Tracker examined it intently and replied,

TOM: "I think it’s broke."

> "Yeah, it’ll still
> work. Looks like the hull isn’t too broken up,

CROW: If we can just scrape the barnacles off of it.

> and the engine
> appears

JOEL: Live on Broadway to sold-out crowds!

> to be intact…"
>
> "Of course it is,"

TOM: Don’t be ridiculous.

> said a voice

CROW: What, besides a voice, would say words?

> from behind them, "it’s
> mine.

JOEL: All mine! I’m rich! I’m fabulously wealthy!

> Now get up — I wanna see who you are."
>
> Maxl stood up, drew a pistol from his pocket,

TOM: And a pocket from his locket.

CROW: A flagon from his wagon?

> and turned
> around to face X.

JOEL: [ As Maxl ] "Don’t hit me!"

> "You?!" the badger exclaimed.

CROW: [ As X ] "No, I’m just filling in for a me to be named later."

> "What a
> coinkadeenk,

JOEL: Isn’t that the new game show premiering just after "Blockbusters" on most of these CBS stations?

> I was just lookin’ for ya."

TOM: Do you know where I could find you?

>
> X stared at Maxl and said, "How’s it goin’?

CROW: How’s it hanging? What’s the good word? You getting enough oxygen? How’s the weather up there? Is Kiss in town? Take a penny, leave a penny.

> You sane enough
> to help us now?"

JOEL: We’re on an important mission to sneak into Robotropolis, get caught, have Sonic rescue us, and escape again.

>
> Maxl rolled his eyes and said, "I t’ink I need your help,

TOM: I got this itch right where I can’t reach it.

> and, as ya can hear, Jade’s back,

CROW: And she’s bigger than ever.

> and I’m barely keepin’ m’sanity.
> Just saw Sis dis mornin’ an’ I t’ink she’s gonna try ta kill me
> again.

JOEL: I probably shouldn’t have teased her My Little Pony collection. Or dropped that cake pan on her head when she was five.

> Take me ta da Hidden Palace;

TOM: The least successful casino in Atlantic City.

> I’ll explain there."
>
> "Before you go," said another voice, "here’s some advice."

JOEL: Watch out for snakes!

>
> "Unca Karl!" Maxl exclaimed,

TOM: Are you gonna pull a quarter out of my ear?

> turning around to see the man
> who had been tailing them. "Why ain’tcha helpin’ Crotswurt’?!"

JOEL: [ As Karl ] I’m fickle.

>
> "He’s gone too far," Karl replied.

CROW: He ran to the very edge of the world, and fell off.

> "You’re the only one who
> can stop him,

TOM: Unless somebody else tries.

> and if you don’t in seventy-two linear hours,

JOEL: But that’s, uh… like, five hundred and four dog hours.

> all life
> will be destroyed.

CROW: Is that all life on Mobius or all life in the whole universe?

JOEL: And does that cover alternate universes?

TOM: Is it going to take out cute little robots too?

> Now, I’ll tell you where his hideout is…"
>
> Maxl finished his story

JOEL: And Uncle Karl made Tracker pull his finger and then he passed out on the living room couch.

> of what had happened to him in the
> past year.
>
> "So," said X,

TOM: A needle pulling thread. That’s pretty serious, son.

> "you’re telling us that Jade is back

CROW, JOEL: And she’s bigger than ever.

> from
> wherever she went? How? I wanna help…"

TOM: Unless you want me to move your couch again. I won’t do that.

>
> Maxl scowled. "I know I asked for ya help," he said, "but
> don’tcha ‘memba what Unca Karl said?!

CROW: He said, "Hi, I’m Uncle Karl?"

> Dis ain’t about Jade at
> all…or maybe it is.

JOEL: Hold on, let me check my notes.

> All dat I know is

CROW: I need you to hug me already!

> dat dis has

TOM: And that’s a Morse code "D".

> somethin’ ta do
> wit’ Crotswurt’ plottin’ ta do away with life as we know it…

JOEL: Jim.

> and
> I’m d’only one dat can stop ‘im."

CROW: He’s the last of the Jedi knights.

TOM: No, there’s another.

>
> "I’d listen to him if I were you,"

CROW: And I know you are.

> came a voice from the
> doorway.

JOEL: Who’d have guessed the doorway had such strong feelings about the story?

[ To continue … ]

---

I don’t know how I ever heard of Nucla, Colorado, but Wikipedia agreed that it held a prairie dog shooting competition. In 2013 they passed an ordinance requiring heads of households to own a gun. Town sounds to me like it has problems.

Fonzie of the Future is not a reference to the famous cartoon where he and the gang are time travelling. So far as I recall Fonzie didn’t ride a hovercycle that one. But he totally could have.

The riffs about, like, “dat did dat” being a Morse Code K are correct, which is why they’re so funny.

That riff about “don’t be ridiculous” is, yes, a reference to Balki’s beloved yet vaguely remembered catchphrase from the sitcom Perfect Strangers. “All mine! I’m rich! I’m fabulously wealthy” is from that cartoon where Daffy Duck finds the genie cave.

Blockbusters was a game show. Now and then it turns up on Buzzr.

“You getting enough oxygen?” is a Space Ghost: Coast to Coast reference. “Is Kiss in town?” riffs an early 90s ad for WCBS NewsRadio 88, where they’d show they could answer ordinary-New-Yorker questions like “is Bush in town?” The shift from Bush to Kiss reflects, I don’t know, Kiss is funny?

“He ran to the very edge of the world, and fell off” references one of the Li’l Folks panels that Charles Schulz drew before Peanuts. A character who looks kind of like Violet says it of some other kid who’s not there anymore.

Young yet plot-bearing badgers Maxl and Tracker, aware their nemesis Jade has returned from nonexistence with a scheme to grab the Life Jades with the help of someone named Crotswurth, realize they have no choice but to hack Robotnik’s computer for a something or other! And who is the mysterious BoB who zanies into the story, grabs a VW Bug out of his suitcase, and leaves, only to return? And that’s our exciting spot within Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s epic Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction The 72 Hours Saga. What’s so special about 72 hours that couldn’t be done in 70 or 74? That’s to be revealed!

The whole of my marginally more epic Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> BoB slammed on the brakes.

JOEL: He blamed them for everything.

> "Have a nice day, guys; I hope to
> see you again.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Huh-huh, not if we see you first.

> And be on the lookout for a guy called Girard.

JOEL: Depardieu?

> If you
> see a guy with his hair on fire, that’s him.

TOM: Prince?

JOEL: Michael Jackson?

CROW: Richard Pryor?

JOEL: Michael J. Fox?

CROW: Patrick Stewart?

TOM: Huh?

CROW: Didn’t know that about him, did you?

> Tell him I have a new
> stock of matches, would you please?"
>
> Maxl nodded,

TOM: See, this story is so wacky fun because the characters don’t really respond to the stuff one another says.

> and stepped out of the car with Tracker. BoB
> drove off,

JOEL: This is exactly what my dad used to threaten to do if my sister and I didn’t stop punching.

> and Tracker, who had been rather quiet for the past
> half-hour

TOM: ‘Cause he accidentally fell into an episode of "Darkwing Duck."

> said, "So, are we going to see them, or what?"

CROW: You know. Before they get all overrun and touristy.

>
> Maxl had a puzzled look on his face.

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Wait. How do I do stuff, again?

> "See who?" he inquired.
>
> "Who else," Tracker answered, "than the Knothole Freedom
> Fighters.

JOEL: I think it’d be more fun to meet Armin Shimmerman and Robert Beltran live at this week’s Creation Star Trek Convention of Wild Delights.

> I thought I saw Jade back there,

TOM: But I would’ve had to look to make sure.

> and I believe that this
> time, it’s gonna take more than you blowing your nose to get rid of
> her.

CROW: I just feel very strongly that things are going to be longer and harder this time, is all.

> We’re gonna need some help…more than BoB can give us."

JOEL: More help than Herbie? How much do you *want* from him?

>
> "Y’right," said Maxl. "S’bout time I paid ’em a visit
> anyway…

TOM: Jade still has the Introduction to Earth Sciences book I have to return to Mrs. Dutton in fourth period.

> they owe me."
>
> RESTRICTED ACCESS ENTER PASSWORD

JOEL: I think we’re back trying to hack into Robotnik’s computer.

>
> The words flashed in bright red on Karl’s screen. "Here we

CROW: Yeah. I’m gonna guess it’s "RobotnikRules."

> go," he said, and typed the following:

TOM: I’m gonna guess "SonicSucks."

> F:\CRYPTO\MONKI.EXE -START ASC(30) END ASC(231)

CROW: Why is it in all these stories computers are incredibly dumb DOS-wannabees or mind-reading supercomputers with free will and chipper personalities?

JOEL: They’re running the new Plot OS.

>
> "Well," said Karl, turning away from the ancient PC he was

TOM: OK, so maybe the password is "RobotnikIsSuper."

> using as gibberish flew across the screen, "so Maxl’s back? We’ll

CROW: "SonicsABigLoser."

> take care of him ASAP. Sounds like he’s as messed-up as ever…"

TOM: "IHateKnothole."

> NO MATCHES

CROW: "EvilWarlordsAre#1."

>
> "Damn!" Karl exclaimed, turning toward the terminal and

CROW: "HedgehogsAreUglyAndTheirMothersDressThemFunny."

> seeing the irritating message. "Now I have to start over again." He

TOM: Joel? What’s your guess?

> typed at the terminal until the screen finally printed:

JOEL: "AllOfTheAbove."

> ACCESS GRANTED.

CROW: Hey! Nice trick.

TOM: How’d you know?

JOEL: You just have to talk the computer’s language.

> WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND? _

CROW: Start that Solitaire game. I want to play.

>
> Karl smiled and typed in,

TOM: She-Hulk… Thundercat Cheetara… romance… with pictures…

> LIFE JADE INFO

JOEL: These and other four-letter words tonight, on "60 Minutes II."

>

> The souped-up PC took several minutes to respond:

CROW: Rita the cat… Romana squirrel… Rags the Tiger…

> ACCESS DENIED.

TOM: NOW COME UP HERE AND LET ME SLAP YOU SOME.

> LEVEL-6 ACCESS REQUIRED FOR REQUESTED
> INFORMATION.

JOEL: They should’ve looked up the Life Jade’s prefix codes.

>
> "Double [ bleep ]!" said Karl,

TOM: What are they doing, having basic security precautions on critically important objects?

> breaking the connection.
>
> "Improved security," Jade muttered.

CROW: They’ve got blankets *and* teddy bears now.

> "I feared that. Without
> that info,

TOM: We’re gonna have to drive around all day looking for someplace to eat.

> it’s gonna take us seventy-two hours to destroy life
> instead of a mere twenty-four."

JOEL: Is that really a job you have to hurry?

CROW: Yeah, I mean, so what if you’re a couple days late in it? It’s not like a delay would be the end of the world.

[ To continue … ]

---

The Rita the cat, Romana squirrel, Rags the Tiger thing is a callback to that Skippy’s Mom MiSTing shared here … some time in the past.

Prefix codes are a Star Trek thing where our heroes can try and take over another Federation starship except it never works anymore. Makes you wonder why they even keep the things around. They’re probably in the junk drawer and too much trouble to throw out.

Jade, returned from banishment to a sneeze dimension at the end of Jaded Views, seems to be after the Life Jades or whatever. Can heroes Maxl and Tracker, even with the aid of the mysterious figure named BoB who can pull a VW Bug out of his briefcase, stop her? Can anything stop her besides Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer losing interest in writing The 72 Hours Saga? We get a little closer to that ultimate answer after this!

As you’ve picked up from recognizing patterns around here, this is part of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction I wrote in like 2000 based on my friends’ Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction. The whole of the MiSTing of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>
> — Contents

JOEL: I wonder if they settled any during shipping.

>
> Chapter 2
> Rough Play

CROW: This chapter is going to be fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

>
> Crotswurth drew the Uzi and rammed the hovercycle

TOM: He made a mistake, he rammed the Uzi and drew the hovercycle!

> into the
> door of Robotnik’s HQ.

JOEL: [ As Robotnik ] "Who *is* it?"

TOM: [ Gruff voice, screaming ] "It’s the plumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!"

> Karl had done a good job of attaching a
> warhead to the front of the vehicle,

TOM: Considering his limitations.

> the geneticist mused as he
> jumped clear of the speeding jetbike,

CROW: And smashed his skull into an oak tree.

> escaping the explosion,

JOEL: This is a very well-scripted explosion.

> which
> destroyed the door

CROW: He insulted the door until it had no self-esteem left.

> (the same door Packbell had unlocked a few
> minutes before).

TOM: Packbell left the door open for the milkman.

> Crotswurth got up, and ran into the building.

CROW: Bonk!

JOEL: You’d think he would’ve seen it.

> BoB’s
> VW Bug wasn’t far behind, either.

JOEL: Herbie’s only five minutes old, but in this wet air he’s already rusted out.

>
> Crotswurth fired into the air.

TOM: Must be a Miami driver.

> The bullets ricocheted off
> the ceiling, and struck the metal floor.

CROW: Maybe the shooting bullets thing wasn’t such a good idea.

> The scientist ran towards
> the hallway,

JOEL: [ As Crotswurth ] OH NO! This is the wrong Russell Sage hall! I’m gonna be late for the exam!

> where he had arranged his meeting,

TOM: Finally, some meaningful discussion about our zoning policies!

> when he (literally)
> ran into the badger he was looking for.

CROW: Inside, he found Sir Galahad and…

> She fell down to the floor.
>
> Crotswurth turned and said, "Jade? Izzat you?"

JOEL: Hey, how’d they set up this little meeting if she was trapped in some alternate dimension by Maxl’s sneezing?

TOM: Maybe they just had it planned, like, years in advance and got really lucky?

> [Editor’s

> note: The letter "z" kicks [ bleep ] !]

CROW: [ Sighing ] Maybe we could get Steve Martin to cook Thad Boyd’s brain? Just a little?

>
> Jade got up off the ground

TOM: You’ll love your new Hover-Badger!

ALL: Hover-Badger.

> and said, "Of course, you
> bastard!

JOEL: This is some weird kind of Sam and Diane thing they have going.

> I already have the Jades; let’s get outta here!"

TOM: So how does the Death Egg figure into this?

>
> Right then Packbell came down the hall yelling,

JOEL: "Mommy! Daddy! They’re being mean to me! Mommy!"

> "Damn you!

TOM: You finally did it! You blew it all up!

> How did you suddenly reappear behind me after you vanished?

CROW: Packbell is introduced to the concept of walking.

> You’ll
> pay for that!"
>
> "Let’s move," said Crotswurth,

TOM: I reiterate to emphasize how urgent I find the need to move.

> and he ran down the hall,
> Jade at his heels.

JOEL: If he doesn’t stop that he’s going to have a heap of squished badger.

> After they got outside, they were nearly run over
> by BoB’s VW Bug.

CROW: But it bounced off them with a comical squeaking noise.

> "[ Bleep ]!" said Crotswurth. "It’s that used car
> salesman! Let’s get outta here!"

JOEL: Nemer Volkswagon, ten giant steps east of the Northway, exit six.

>
> "No problem," said Jade, and she vanished,

TOM: Ooh, they have a cloak of invisibility.

CROW: Now if we could get them under the Cone of Silence.

> taking Crotswurth
> with her.

JOEL: You know, I hope that teleporter doesn’t make their molecules scramble together.

>
> "[ Bleep ]!" yelled Maxl, in his New York accent, as the Bug
> spun out of control.

TOM: Those of you playing along at home may want to make a cabbie joke here.

> He crashed into the side of the vehicle,

JOEL: You have to be driving pretty recklessly to crash into your own car.

> smashing his wrist communicator.

CROW: Thus explaining why Dick Tracy won’t be coming to the rescue.

> "It’s Crotswurth…and, what’s
> worse, Jade’s with him!

TOM: And worse still, he’s wearing my new dress!

> To top it off, they just disappeared! BoB,
> let’s go back."

JOEL: No sense wasting time looking for clues or anything.

>
> BoB frowned,

CROW: I just remembered — I can’t drive automatic!

> turned the Bug around, and sped off.

TOM: He has just enough time to win the race down Volcano Mountain, if he gets the help of Racer X.

>
> Karl was sitting in front of a computer terminal

CROW: "Why don’t those flying toasters ever have to rest?"

> when Jade
> walked into the room with Crotswurth.

TOM: And now our celebrity panel will try do determine… what’s my line?

> He turned around in his
> pivoting chair and said, "Jade! What the [ bleep ] happened to you?"

JOEL: [ As Jade ] I tried to tell a cabbage from a lettuce.

>
> Jade frowned and said, "It’s a long story.

CROW: But if you haven’t seen The Carol Channing Show, I’m not going to bother telling you.

> Try to hack
> Robotnik’s computer system

TOM: So that we can show the audience how fearsome a team this is, that they’re able to crack into a computer system whose password, after six years, is *still* ‘changeme’.

> while I tell it to you."
>
> Karl smiled and replied, "Can do."

CROW: So I guess he won’t teach.

[ To continue … ]

---

“It’s the plumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!” is from a classic Electric Company sketch. I think it was used in an actual Joel episode too once.

The Russell Sage bit references my grad school’s campus. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute has the Russell Sage Laboratory, on the south and west end of the main campus, and the Russell Sage Dining Hall, on the north and center end. They’re named for different Russell Sages but, c’mon, have some mercy, campus people. There’s also in town the Russell Sage College, which is an unrelated school, but is named for the same Russell Sage as one of the Russell Sage halls.

The weirdly mean Steve Martin joke references his early-80s comedy The Man With Two Brains. Particularly, one exposed brain gets heated up and causes the brain’s user to lose the memory of the number nine. I think she also loses a letter, but that’s not listed in IMDB’s quotes page. But now you see why this is actually a playful and whimsical joke about brain-cooking.

The Death Egg you’ll remember from Keith A—‘s fanfic Altered Destiny where it really didn’t have anything to do with the plot.

Nemer Volkswagen was (and is) a car dealer off the Northway, near Albany, New York.

There’s another Electric Company riff in the “cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce” riff, one that I used in a lot of MiSTings, although looking it up I learn I misquoted Joe Raposo’s song. It should be “I can never tell a cabbage from a lettuce”. I take full responsibility for my error. (I also don’t know for sure it’s Joe Raposo’s writing but, c’mon.)

I can think of no reason I would have name-dropped The Carol Channing Show, or even how I had heard of the thing — a 1966 pilot that didn’t become a series — in the first place. If you or someone you know knows, that’s nice. I hope you enjoy knowing.

Previously on Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s The 72 Hours Saga: Somehow, Jade the Hedgehog returned! Despite vanishing to another dimension after being sneezed at in the triumphant climax of Jaded Views, she’s back and pushing around Packbell, who’s actually from a different author’s fan fiction but that’s all right, everyone liked having him over to their fanfics. And now … who knows what comes next?

The whole of my circa-2000 Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> Crotswurth leaned forward.

TOM: We’ve replaced the Packbell normally served here with this other guy. Let’s see who notices the difference.

> Suddenly, a man in a tie and a
> checkered, double-knit suit jumped in front of him.

CROW: George Steinbrenner For The Defense!

> Crotswurth put
> on the brakes.
>

JOEL: This story’s so good we don’t care there’s no way to tell when one scene stops and another one starts.

> "Howdy-do, neighbor!" the stranger said.

TOM: And he immediately gets slapped.

> "I’m BoB! I’m a
> used car salesman from Earth!

CROW: I’m here to make sure the story never shows its audience any respect!

> Wanna see my inventory?"

TOM: Or do you just want to get yourself rust-preventative coating?

>
> Crotswurth frowned and drew a pistol

JOEL: Is he taking art lessons too?

> from the flannel shirt
> he was wearing.

TOM: Flannel is very popular.

> "Get the [ bleep ] outta my way," he said.

JOEL: Here’s a shovel, try to push the bleep over to the side.

>
> "Nice piece," said BoB.

TOM: And your gun’s neat too.

> "Here’s mine!"

JOEL: Have it back by Sunday, don’t leave me with less than half a tank full!

> He drew an incredibly
> large missile launcher from his pocket

CROW: This is precisely as wacky as any episode of "Bonkers."

> somehow and said, "Buy
> something or one of my missiles goes through your head!

TOM: So *this* is what’s become of Sanford Wallace.

> How ’bout
> some clips for that Uzi?"

JOEL: I’ve got to sell him something … I know! Hey, mister! You need a *house* to go with this doorknob!

>
> Crotswurth nodded and said, "Anything to get you outta my
> way!"

TOM: I will buy anything you want, but I won’t buy that.

> He handed over some cash, and BoB gave him a clip.

CROW: You suppose that’s in U.S. dollars, or British pounds, or Mobian credits or… what?

>
> "Have a nice day!" said BoB as he stepped aside.

TOM: Have fun storming the castle!

> "[ Bleep ]," he muttered as Crotswurth sped off.
>
> Maxl ran. Tracker followed him.

JOEL: Suddenly a pirate ship appeared over the horizon.

> A man wearing a tie and a
> checkered, double-knit suit jumped in front of them.

TOM: I think his Gizmonics Institute logo has taken over there.

> "Hey!" he said.
> "It’s you! I’m BoB!"

CROW: You know, Bob spelled backwards is Bob.

>
> Maxl shoved BoB aside and said,

TOM: "Is there *anybody* who knows what the plot is or how to advance it? Anybody?"

> "BoB, I’ve nevuh metcha in
> my life.

CROW: But I do remember that time we met three weeks after my death!

> Now get the [ bleep ] outta my way;

JOEL: This is a no-bleeping zone anyway.

> I’m followin’ that man
> who’s on the hovercycle."

TOM: He’s a man on a motorcycle on a mission.

>
> Tracker’s eyes widened. "Maxl," he gasped,

CROW: I don’t think this is the real Bob Newhart!

> "did you just
> speak with a New York accent?"

JOEL: Stephen Tramer and Thad Boyd really have captured the subtleties of a New Yorker’s speech patterns.

>
> "Uhhh…force of habit, I guess,"

CROW: That’s what you call it when you get bossed around by a nun’s clothes… see… ’cause it’s the force of *habit*.

> Maxl replied in his normal
> voice.

TOM: OK, now can you talk like Kramer from Seinfeld?

>
> "No it’s not," Tracker said. "You haven’t talked like that

CROW: You *never* talk like that to me anymore! You don’t care about my needs!

> since you defeated Jade…

JOEL: And now you’ll need all your strength for your upcoming battle with Crimson and Vermillion!

> I’ve got a bad feeling about this…"

TOM: That’s no Robotnik! That’s the Death Star!

>
> BoB scowled and said, "Nevermind. Now, howzabout," [Editor’s

> note: I like spelling howzabout with a "z" too! So there!]

CROW: Sure, we hurt now, but someday, thirty years from now, Thad Boyd is going to apply for a job, and the routine screening will dig *this* editing job off the Internet, and he’ll have to explain it to a boss he’s really trying hard to impress.

TOM: Yeah, but thirty more years of the Internet and that’ll *be* the right way to spell "how’s about."

> "some
> decent transportation?" He opened a briefcase

JOEL: Oh, I bet this folds out into George Jetson’s car.

> he had been carrying
> the whole time that Maxl and Tracker had somehow not noticed,

TOM: And these sharp wits are our heroes for today.

> and
> produced a VW Bug from it.

CROW: Heck, you’re just driving through thick forest patrolled by evil SwatBots ready to shoot anything that isn’t camouflaged and highly mobile! Why not get a toy wind-up car?

>
> "Hop in," said BoB, "and let’s get that [ bleep ].

JOEL: I call the back-back seat!

CROW: No way! I want the back-back seat!

TOM: Gimme! It’s my turn!

JOEL: We can’t all ride in the back-back seat!

TOM: Why not?

CROW: All our legs’ll get little spotty dot patterns all over them.

TOM: It’s worth it! We all get the back-back seat!

> He didn’t
> want to buy anything from me!"

CROW: So far, are we rooting for anybody?

[ To continue … ]

---

“We’ve replaced the Packbell normally served here” references a series of 70s-80s commercials for instant bad coffee built on the premise that fine restaurants replaced their dessert coffee with the commercials’ instant bad coffee mix and everybody was fine with that. But please understand, before 1992 nobody imagined making coffee that was “good”. Briefly in the 90s we considered making coffee “good” but then somehow we ended up with Keurigs to make coffee that’s okay but also makes so much plastic waste.

Sanford Wallace was famous as one of the first guys to spam the Internet. While it’s likely that advertisers would make the Internet as awful as it is anyway, he was a trailblazer, and was never brought to justice for it.

“Suddenly a pirate ship appeared over the horizon” is from the book Snoopy keeps writing about the dark and stormy night. (He used the pirate ship fewer times than you’d think. Also, not to worry, Snoopy eventually writes himself out of that corner.)

The back-back seat, well, the VW Bug had a little trunk compartment behind the back seat that, if you were small enough, you could ride in. The spotty dot patterns came from the grippy mat meant to keep your luggage from sliding around. If you did ride in the back-back seat it would imprint on your legs. Also, if you were in the back-back seat and the car were bumped into at more then three miles per hour you would die. So, don’t ride in the back-back seat but I’m glad I ever did.

We hit story, last week, in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s The 72 Hours Saga! Not much of one, because the story wanted to explain itself a lot, but still, some introduction. Some guy named Crotswurth sent a guy named Karl to get the Life Jades, which it seems Tracker and Maxl maybe know something about. Also they have to avoid Jade. I forget the details but this is probably the plot summary for the next twenty installments too.

All of my circa-2000 Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. As usual, at the end of this I’ll try to explain the riffs too dated or obscure to be funny, when it’s too late for them to amuse.

---

>
> The bullet zinged through the center of the target,

TOM: Heeey… he didn’t fire a bullet, the "target" was a long-play record!

> and then
> the target burst into flame.

JOEL: Looks like the target picked the wrong week to start drinking lighter fluid.

> "[ Bleep ]," said a voice, "Maxl, are
> you sure I can do that?"
>
> "Sure, Tracker," said Maxl, "it’s all in the wrist.

JOEL: It’s 110 percent mental, though.

TOM: Just gotta have good arms.

CROW: And the first 90 percent’s preparation. The other 90 percent’s practice.

> Well,

> most of it anywayz." [Editor’s note: I like spelling anywayz that
> way.

JOEL: "I won’t stop editing until I’ve savaged the language."

> Anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz anywayz!]

TOM: As long as the editor’s amused, what’s it matter if everybody else is annoyed?

>
> He handed the revolver to Tracker,

JOEL: Who handed back a hat and pulled two bunnies out of it.

> who shot at a different
> target.

CROW: The generic random training scene, ladies and gentlemen.

> The bullet barely skimmed

JOEL: The milk.

> the edge.

JOEL: The edge of the milk.

>
> "You," said Maxl, pointing at Tracker,

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Hey, where’d you go?

> "had better stick to
> knives, daggers, and swords

JOEL: And crying.

> until you can hit the center of that
> target."

CROW: And get your Kobayashi Maru time up to at least twenty minutes.

>
> Maxl and Tracker had been good friends for quite a while,

JOEL: Easily all the way back to Mrs. Furey’s sixth period English class.

> but not as close as Karl and Crotswurth were.

TOM: They drew the line at sharing their Underroos.

> They had been two
> different personalities of a creature named Maxl, who had spawned

JOEL: And then drowned in the Columbia River.

> three different beings: Maxl, Tracker, and Jade.

ALL: Oh, my!

> Jade was the enemy
> of Maxl and Tracker,

CROW: And, uh, vice-versa.

> partly because she thought of herself as a
> superior being.

TOM: Given that Maxl and Tracker, last we saw them, spent their free time trying to repeatedly run headfirst into a tree, I’m going to have to side with Jade on this one.

>
> Some time the year before,

CROW: But sometime after this scene.

> Maxl had mysteriously vanquished
> Jade by nasal discharge,

JOEL: Mostly we were just grossed out.

> and had then been offered

TOM: Five dollars if he’s got a spoon in his purse. Fifteen dollars if it’s sterling silver. Ten dollars for anyone who has a toothbrush.

> a chance to join
> the Knothole Freedom Fighters.

CROW: But who hasn’t gotten a chance to join the Knothole Freedom Fighters?

> He politely declined, mostly because,

TOM: Well, *look* at them.

> as has been mentioned,

CROW: But we didn’t really want to go into in depth,

> he had some very odd powers that he wanted to
> gain control of,

JOEL: Like his ability to get beaten up before homeroom.

> not to mention his questionable sanity.

CROW: You know he’s screwed up when he has too many annoying personality flaws to join Sonic and the crew.

>
> A hovercycle sped by their hut,

TOM: And *that* was the whole Knothole Village Rush Hour.

> but Maxl paid no attention
> to it.

CROW: He’s not a very good traffic engineer.

> However, Tracker looked at it with interest.

JOEL: [ As Tracker ] Maybe if I keep staring, it’ll throw me some food.

> "Maxl," he said,
> "did you see what just passed us?"

TOM: And what that guy had on his head?

> Maxl shook his head.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] Tom Slick didn’t lap us, did he?

>
> "It was the same guy who’s been watching us," continued
> Tracker.

TOM: You know, like we never discussed him doing before.

> "He seems somehow familiar…

JOEL: Like the guy who’s been watching us, or somebody.

> he was heading toward
> Robotropolis.

TOM: Maybe he just had a flight to catch at Robotropolis International Airport.

CROW: Or he could’ve been taking in the Mobius World Series at the Robotropolis Yards Ball Park.

JOEL: He could’ve been heading to the Grand Palace de Robotropolis for the shopping and fine dining, too.

> Think we should check it out?"

CROW: Could’ve been over the border. In Mexico, even.

>
> Maxl nodded and said, "Let’s go inside and get some stuff we
> might need.

JOEL: Then we’ll go outside, drop that stuff, and go back inside and get some stuff we can’t possibly use.

> I want you to take an automatic pistol, just in case.

TOM: Oh, and an electric toothbrush, because you’re sure to have lunch there.

> Let’s go." Maxl walked inside the hut,

CROW: Where he discovered the professor had made a telephone out of coconuts.

> followed by Tracker.

JOEL: And they were both followed by the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot.

CROW: You three stay out of here!

>
> Packbell leapt backwards.

TOM: Accidentally pressing the button that released the Freedom Fighters and started the self-destruct system on Robotnik’s newest scheme to blow up Knothole Village and take over the world.

> "Yipe!" he yelled.

CROW: And he’s not even startled, Yipe is just the name of his newest goofy hench-robot.

> "What the
> [ bleep ] was that?!"

JOEL: Hey, don’t make us wash your mouth out with Mobian soap, now.

>
> There was a blinding flash of light.

CROW: Aw, great, Q’s in this.

> The Life Jades,

TOM: Not to be confused with the Chaos Emeralds.

> which
> were lying on the table,

JOEL: Car keys, loose change, nail clipper, Life Jades, garage remote…

> glowed with intense power.

CROW: Hard-hitting rocks sitting on table action!

>
> When the light cleared,

JOEL: And the Polaroid developed…

> a green badger was standing in a
> corner of the room.

TOM: That happens every time I turn off a light in my room too.

> "Finally," she said, "I’m free.

JOEL: Come, Sasha! I’m finally freeeeeeeee!

> Get outta my
> way, you," she said,

CROW: And you! Get in my way! Now the both of you, swap positions! Hah! I love being drunk with power!

> walking towards Packbell and attempting to
> shove him aside.

TOM: This is pretty much the same role Packbell plays in all these stories.

>
> Packbell’s hand became a gun,

JOEL: Packbell’s tongue became a VCR.

> and he fired a few shots in
> Jade’s direction.

CROW: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess, he misses.

> She threw herself at the floor

JOEL: Hi, floor! I never noticed before but you’re kind of cute!

> and vanished in a
> whoosh of wind.

CROW: It’s called a tornado.

JOEL: She sure picked the wrong day to start wearing her Mobile Home outfit.

[ To continue … ]

---

The riff about the Kobayashi Maru time references Stephen Ratliff’s Marrissa Picard stories, where (early on) the Kobayashi Maru was treated as this endurance test, with whoever lasted the longest before total party kill getting to be the leader.

Tom calling out “five dollars if he’s got a spoon in his purse” references Monty Hall’s quickie deals at the end of Let’s Make A Deal. Tom Slick, racer, was one of the side cartoons to Jay Ward’s Superchicken.

“Come, Sasha! I’m finally freeeeee!” was the non sequitur ending to an episode of 2 Stupid Dogs. Look, it was the 90s (basically), it wasn’t possible to watch videos online, we had to watch what Cartoon Network had.

In the last installment of Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s The 72 Hours Saga, we got a content rating, a table of contents, and a little bit annoyed. This time? I promise we get to any part of story!

The whole of my 2000-era Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of The 72 Hours Saga, including the short subjects prepended to it, should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ CROW is off screen, having left at the end of the last installment when the narration said to go back and read the prequels to have a clue what was going on. ]

>
>
> — Contents

TOM: I could swear we’ve seen this part before.

>
> Legal Stuff

JOEL: I’ll take a two-pack of writs a certiorari…

TOM: [ As garbed drive-through speaker ] Two pack certi.

JOEL: And, uh, gimme a helping of mens rea — supersize that, too…

TOM: [ As garbed speaker ] Super mens rea, anything else?

JOEL: Yeah, a large helping of voir dire. That’s all.

TOM: [ As garbled speaker ] Dire large, that’s $4.81, please drive around.

>
> Don’t use this

TOM: Internally.

> to make any money.

JOEL: You have to put your name at the top and send it to six friends to make money.

> It cannot be traded

TOM: Without the consent of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

> for
> cash, drugs, or sexual favors without the author’s permission.

TOM: How many times you think he’s given permission?

> Also,
> don’t alter it.

JOEL: Don’t even make bunny ears behind its back when we’re taking its picture.

[ CROW walks in slowly, from the other side of the theater. ]

JOEL: Hey, long time, no see, buddy.

>

CROW: Yeah, I figured I better find out the stuff from those other stories they told us about.

> All characters herein are created by Service and Games

TOM: What’d you find?

> (SEGA), Stephen Tramer, and by Archie Comics, with the following

CROW: Remember the "Jaded Views" experiment? With Maxl and Jade and Tracker fused into this one body, and they got accidentally freed again and now Jade hated them and Maxl was crazy until he sneezed and sent Jade into another dimension?

> exceptions (alphabetical by character’s first name):

JOEL: [ As CROW gets to TOM’s and his seat ] I remember.

>

CROW: And we did that little "The Prequel Menace" giving our best guess how they got joined together, and it was this silly thing about screwing around just after gym class in middle school?

> Amaroq Kapugen – Jesse Rhodes

TOM: All too well.

> Bookshire Draftwood – David Pistone

CROW: Turns out we were right.

JOEL: This is why we never do satire, guys, the world will top it.

> Girard –

TOM: We leave this space for everybody who wants to make a reference to Doctor Richard Kimble now.

> A real person, who

CROW: Who would have guessed?

> really did
> light his hair on
> fire once.

JOEL: So, wait, is he going to be the comedy relief?

> Hedgehog X – Brent Roberts

CROW: Brent Roberts, with sports.

> Jade – Thad Boyd & Stephen
> Tramer

TOM: Thad Boyd blames her on Steven Tramer, and Stephen Tramer insists Thad Boyd created Jade.

> Kabuki Ninomiya – Jill Quindiagan

CROW: Quick, pick the name that isn’t made up.

> Mega Man X – Capcom Games

JOEL: Capcom games. The official games of Mission Control.

> Packbell – David Pistone

CROW: Wow, Bookshire Draftwood *and* Packbell. Stephen and Thad must’ve paid for the *deluxe* generic Sonic fanfic package.

>
>
> — Contents

JOEL: Ever feel like we’re just going in circles?

>
> AD 3236

TOM: Next Sunday, in fact.

> Hidden Base, Mobius

JOEL: They can’t stay hidden once they take a crunch of Cap’N Crunch.

>
> Chapter 1
> BoB

CROW: No, no, it’s "B to B." You’ll never make any money on the Internet if you can’t get that right.

TOM: Or any other way, either.

>
> The man nodded. "Good work, Karl," he said.

JOEL: And good work, Karl Malden’s nose.

>
> Karl nodded and replied, "It’s ready, Crotswurth.

TOM: It was under ten minutes. The pizza’s not free.

> Good luck
> to ya!"

CROW: Don’t let the door hit you on the way —

JOEL: WHAM!

TOM: OW!

CROW: Never mind!

>
> Crotswurth smiled.

JOEL: [ As Crotswurth, after chuckling ] "He doesn’t know a thing."

CROW: [ As Karl, after chuckling ] "He doesn’t know a thing."

> He and Karl had been friends

TOM: Imaginary friends.

> since awhile
> before they burned Bluebrook with Julian to get the Life Jades.

JOEL: Which are so *way* different from the Chaos Emeralds it’s not funny.

> Karl
> had proved valuable as a friend, hacker, and electrician.

TOM: Good times, great friends, and a thorough understanding of Kirchoff’s laws.

>
> Karl finished polishing the hovercycle,

JOEL: [ As Karl ] I like to rub.

> and stepped aside.
> Crotswurth climbed on.

TOM: [ As Crotswurth ] I like when you rub.

>
> "Remember," said Karl, "get the Life Jades

JOEL: Get the Life Jades, container of milk, stick of butter. Get the Life Jades, container of milk, stick of butter.

> and get back here
> pronto.

CROW: If you’re not back before midnight you’ll turn into a pumpkin.

> I don’t want you to fall in with a fast crowd,

[ JOEL, TOM begin chuckling. ]

> if you catch
> my drift."

[ ALL chuckle conspiratorially for a moment. Then, silence. ]

CROW: [ As Crotsworth ] What do you mean?

>
> Crotswurth smiled and said, "Karl, don’t worry.

JOEL: I wouldn’t, but… well, it’s the introduction to the opposite sketches.

> I’ll get
> back in one piece.

TOM: Well, me in one piece and the hoverbike in one other, separate piece.

> And be on the lookout for Jade.

CROW: She’s considered magical and downright goofy.

> She was supposed
> to be here three days ago…"

JOEL: Oh, but you forgot about the Daylight Saving Time.

>
> "Roger," said Karl,

TOM: [ Quick reply ] Ramjet.

> and Crotswurth sped off into the forest.

CROW: Aaaaand he hits a pine tree.
[ JOEL makes a crash noise. ]

TOM: Aaaaand he crashes into a Dutch elm.
[ JOEL makes a crash noise. ]

CROW: Aaaaand he runs into an oak.
[ JOEL makes a crash noise. ]

TOM: Aaaaand he hits a rubber tree.

JOEL: Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing-oing!

[ To continue … ]

---

I always loved when characters left the theater for a reason and came back with a report of off-screen nonsense. So I used the excuse to send Crow out briefly.

$4.81 was the price of a couple of White Castle burgers and a large diet coke that I got to treat the end of the workweek back in my summer job days in the early 90s.

I guess I did read that other prequel, The Hunt Begins, but I don’t remember it.

I don’t believe Tom’s line about “Next Sunday, in fact” was a reference to the MST3K theme song (Joel edition) but can’t swear to that.

Kirchoff’s Laws are equations that describe the current and voltage across junctions, which is why an electrician would know them.

“Get the Life Jades, container of milk, stick of butter” repeated like that references that one Johnny Bravo cartoon.

“The introduction to the opposite sketches” references the non-green-slime-based popular segment on Nickelodeon breakout show You Can’t Do That On Television. In the opposite sketches, you had zany things like the parents scolding the kids to stop doing their homework and listen to some heavy metal and the kids hating this. Look, this is what the 80s were really like. It wasn’t all vaporwave and shiny ties.

And now, nearly three months in, it’s time to start The 72 Hours Saga portion of The 72 Hours Saga! This story, by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd, is a sequel to the epic Jaded Views, which you can read safely protected by Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction here. There is no need to know anything about that earlier story, though, or what went on in The Hunt Begins, a story I never read.

The whole of the MiSTing of The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]

JOEL: I’d watch that show, anyway.

> The End of Innocence

TOM: Oh, the bittersweet story of how the Clinton impeachment caused America to lose her innocence.

JOEL: I bet it’s the bittersweet story of how the Iran-Contra affair caused America to lose her innocence.

CROW: Nah, it’s the bittersweet story of how the Watergate scandal caused America to lose her innocence.

>

JOEL: Oh, no, it’s all about how the Kennedy assassination caused America to lose her innocence. In a bittersweet way.

CROW: I bet it’s the bittersweet story of how the Quiz Show Scandal caused America to lose her innocence.

TOM: I’m hoping it’s the bittersweet story of how the Korean War caused America to lose her innocence.

> Book 1 of the 72 HOURS TRILOGY

TOM: No, you know, it’s the bittersweet story of how dropping the atom bomb caused America to lose her innocence.

JOEL: It’s the bittersweet story of how the Great Depression caused America to lose her innocence.

CROW: Nah. It’s the story of how Leopold and Loeb represented the end of America’s innocence.

>

JOEL: I bet it’s the story of how storytellers figured out America didn’t have all that much innocence to lose.

> Written by Stephen Tramer

CROW: OK, I’m starting to lose hope for this story.

>
> Edited by Thad Boyd

TOM: [ As in introducing "That Girl" ] Edited by…. THAD BOYD!

> [Editor’s Note: HEEEEEELP!!!!! Save me!!!!]

JOEL: There’s the sort of omen we want to see.

>
> Mature Content Advisory

TOM: Nobody warning of mature content has ever had mature content.

>
>
> — VIOLENCE-4 (Vivid blood and gore in one chapter)

CROW: Milwaukee 2, in ten innings.

> — PROFANITY-8

JOEL: We probably won’t be able to follow the plot if we haven’t seen Profanity one through seven.

> (The "F" word is frequently used, especially
> in the aforementioned chapter,

TOM: The weird thing is the "F" word he means is "frond."

> among others…non-profane version
> coming soon!)

CROW: Taking the geologic view of "soon."

> — SEX-0 (What are you? Some kinda PREvert?!)

TOM: Those passengers who are elderly, have children, or have elderly children may now begin pre-verting.

> [Editor’s note: It’s "in" around here to mispronounce and
> heavily accent the first syllable of "pervert".]

JOEL: With an opening like that, you know it’s going to be wacky.

>
> Contents

TOM: Malcontents.

>
>
> — Editor’s Foreword. IMPORTANT!

CROW: In all of human history, there’ve been, what, three important editor’s forewards?

> — Legal Stuff

TOM: I’m hoping we can get a brisk episode of "Law & Order" out of this.

>
>

> 1. Chapter 1: BoB
> 2. Chapter 2: Rough Play
> 3. Chapter 3: The Seventy-Two Hours
> 4. Chapter 4: Survival of the Fittest
> 5. Chapter 5: Crucial Repairs

CROW: I don’t know about you guys, but to me this story is just flying by.

> 6. Chapter 6: The Hunt Begins
> 7. Chapter 7: The Ultimate Evil
>
>
> — Epilogue

JOEL: And I think we’ve all learned a little something important from it.

>
> Editor’s Foreword. IMPORTANT STUFF! READ IT!!!

CROW: Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Pinball wizard in a miracle cure!

>
> If you hated my stories

TOM: And we know you did.

> (The Hunt Begins, The Bargain, and
> co-authorship in Jaded Views and Blue Flames)

JOEL: Generic Fanfic Titles. When you need a title for your fanfic but don’t want to make one up.

> for lack of continuity
> with the "normal" Sonic universe, read no further,

CROW: So is that the Sonic universe where Sonic and company are fighting desperately for freedom against the worldwide war machine of the evil Doctor Robotnik, or is that the Sonic universe where Sonic and company are trying to beat the goofy Doctor Robotnik in a pie-eating contest down at the Mobius Mall-O-Plex?

> and I warn you,

JOEL: Like I wish I was warned,

> don’t read anything Brent "Hedgehog X" Roberts writes by himself,

CROW: Or you’ll turn into a bat.

> because even I scoff at his discontinuity

TOM: And it is agreement with every minor aside ever thrown into the cartoon that determines the merit of a story.

> (lemme put it this way: he
> based his entire groundwork on the "Heads or Tails" episode of the
> Saturday morning cartoon

CROW: I bet that’s an episode that featured Sonic’s pal Tails.

> and his own twisted interpretations of
> other members’ characters).

JOEL: Pssht! The fool.

CROW: It’s amazing they even let people like that breathe, isn’t it?

TOM: To think somebody who’d do that might ever be allowed to drive.

>
> This story, at least,

CROW: Or at last.

TOM: Last but not least.

> has some relation to the "normal"
> Sonic reality,

JOEL: Except I thought it’d be fun if Sonic and Tweety Bird switched places.

> but it can hardly be called a Sonic story.

TOM: If it was about basketball and was set in Seattle it might be called a Super-Sonics story, though.

> Sonic
> himself only appears in one line of the whole thing,

JOEL: And there’ll be a prize in it if you’re the first person to spot that line.

> and
> Julian/Robotnik and Packbell play fairly trivial roles.

CROW: Oh. So it’s a fanfic.

> Don’t,
> however, dismiss it just for those reasons,

JOEL: Dismiss it for its many other flaws.

> as it’s a very good
> story.

TOM: How often do you really have to warn people they’re about to read a very good story?

>
> Finally, and most importantly,

CROW: But mostly finally.

> if you haven’t read both The
> Hunt Begins and Jaded Views,

JOEL: But, really, who hasn’t read them by now?

> please go back and read them

TOM: Out loud, if need be.

> before you
> read this,

JOEL: Wait, it’s too late, we’re already reading this.

> or you won’t have a clue as to what’s going on.

[ CROW gets up, walks out ]

[ To continue … ]

---

I liked the concept of the riff about America’s loss of innocence but feel like I could have used more historic depth. Why not the Stanfford White murder trial or the Haymarket Affair? Why not the Dorr Rebellion or the abolition of the Patroons?

“Pinball wizard in a miracle cure!” references The Who’s Tommy, although what really goes through my mind is the “Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Extra ball!” callout in the Tommy pinball game.

Back in those days there were two Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon continuities neither of which I actually knew anything about. Today there are a number unknown to me but, I suppose, at least two.

You know, I could have used that SEX-0 line as a prompt for riffing on Disco-Tex and The Sex-O-Lettes, but I didn’t know about them back in the late 90s.

Don’t worry, next week we get to story.

I have never known anything about Brent “Hedgehog X” Roberts.

We’ve reached a host segment in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of The 72 Hours Saga. The nice thing about having two shorts in this project is the first sketch almost wrote itself: just combine the premises of the two sketches.

If you missed what the shorts were, just check this link, which should have the whole of this MiSTing, including in future weeks when I get to posting them. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL. Desk. JOEL is sitting by the table, resting his head in his hands and nibbling at his thumb. Cambot is close on JOEL. ]

JOEL: Captain’s log, star date 55577.3. There is new life in our little office today, as a pair of spunky yet young cadets take their first field assignments and, they hope, finally earn their commissions.

[ CAMBOT pulls out, to reveal CROW and TOM SERVO. ]

TOM: You wanted to splee us, sir?

CROW: See!

TOM: See! See us! Captain O’Brian!

JOEL: Please. [ Whipping to look at CAMBOT, who zooms in. ] Call me Eel. I’m the dashing yet tormented office commander providing a sense of moral balance and dispensing cynical yet heartfelt bits of wisdom. You’re too new yet for me to tell you about my amazing superpowers, though. [ As CAMBOT pulls out. ] As your commanding officer I’ll be in command of you unless you’re able to earn your comissions and repay the damages you did to the school cafeteria.

CROW: Thank you, sir. Eel. Sir. I’m Cadet Timothy "Sparky" Wibberly. [ Whipping to look at CAMBOT, who zooms in. ] I’m a brash young cadet whose self-confidence has lead repeatedly to my downfall in academic and athetic competitions. Despite that, I feel driven to prove myself, taking on tasks beyond my ability. [ As CAMBOT zooms out. ] My friends come to dread the worst of the messes I get myself in, but they appreciate my general good nature and glib self-confidence the rest of the time. I met my pal VE here because we’re dressing up as women so we can get an apartment.

TOM: And I, Tocopheryl Acetate, [ TOM whips around to face CAMBOT, who zooms in ] or ‘VE’ as I oddly request to be called, am new to this society. I’m the first member of a Beta Quadrant race to make it through the academy, and though I do my best I find it hard to understand the feelings and loyalties of you humanoid races. [ CAMBOT begins pulling out. ] I requested this assignment, that I may best learn how you endure the worst that can happen. I came to the Alpha Quadrant in search of the men who killed my father, and find for political reasons I’d best work out of the Canadian consulate in Chicago for a time.

JOEL: Then I welcome you to this office, one of seventeen located on or in orbit of Earth, but assigned to deal with the hardest cases — notification of families of those lost to the service to causes exotic or inexplicable or beyond all understanding. [ CAMBOT zooms in. ] Commander Malitol, the fighting young commander who can talk to the young, will be here shortly with your first assignments. [ CAMBOT zooms back out. ] You know, she came to this office originally with her fiancee, who stepped out to get something from his ex-wife, only to have her fiance return to his ex-wife, leaving Malitol stranded here, where she decided to begin a new life.

CROW: Sir — if I may? [ JOEL nods. ] An endless stream of telling people their loved ones have been killed in the line of duty. It seems depressing. How do you survive it?

JOEL: If I find out, I’ll let you know.

[ GPC enters. ]

GPC: Hello. I’m Commander Malitol. [ CAMBOT zooms in. ] The fighting young commander who can talk to the young. I’ll be taking you under my wing, but don’t mistake that for friendship. [ CAMBOT zooms out. ] That you have to earn.

TOM: Wouldn’t have it any other way, sir.

GPC: Very good. You’ve earned it.

CROW: Ooh! I wouldn’t have it any other way either.

GPC: Don’t try to butter me up. I don’t trust you.

CROW: But… but… you’re the fighting young commander who can talk to the young. I’m young.

[ TOM snickers, nervously, and stops when GPC looks at him. ]

GPC: You aren’t suffering through one of the worst tragedies that can strike a person. You’re just getting acclimated to your new posting. You’ll see my empathy when you need it and not before.

CROW: But I have all manner of personal tragedy in my past I haven’t told you about yet.

GPC: Clearly nothing you can’t live with, which is more than I can say for your first assignment. Get on down to Margaret Street. Find the parents of Lieutenant Leonard Farnsworth. In a tragic accident in quadrant 875-020-079, his transporter beam crossed the transmission signal of Mike Teevee.

TOM: But that would lead to all manner of destructive interference!

JOEL: Horrible. Their signals merged in the reception buffer, but when the safeties reversed the transport sequence, that just amplified the problem.

GPC: Although the last good transporter pattern was used to create a version of himself on the holodeck, he found this lifestyle hopelessly limiting and as of fourteen hours ago was, with his Captain’s permission, turned off. Put a good spin on it. Buy some flowers. Maybe chocolate. Maybe a new slinkie. I don’t know if he left a farewell message. Find it if he did.

[ CROW, TOM look at one another. ]

JOEL: You waiting for invitations, Misters?

CROW, TOM: No, sir! On our way, sir! Going there, sir! We’re out of here… [ They leave. ]

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]

GPC: Think they’ll get the hang of it?

JOEL: For all our sakes, I can only hope so. We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK. ]

[ To continue … ]

---

“Eel O’Brian” is, yes, Plastic-Man’s off-plastic name. Look, in the early 2000s it was hard to find stuff like the secret identity of Plastic-Man, I thought I was being clever. These days you can just pull up his origin story (starting on page 34) and get this stuff easily.

The other names are also weird references. Tocopheryl Acetate is a form of vitamin E and I believe I got the name from reading off a bottle of hand lotion. Malitol is a sugar substitute that got popular in the late 90s despite its “laxative effect”. I no longer remember what was being referenced with Timothy “Sparky” Wibberly. Leonard Farnsworth is similarly a name whose joke eludes me now, although it’s hard not to see Philo Farnsworth in there. I think there’s a chance they’re some science fiction reference. Good luck.

I felt the talk about “the first member of a Beta Quadrant race to make it through the academy” captured a particular kind of character-design motif where you want someone to be special but keep coming up with ideas that are … like … who could possibly care about this? I hope the joke parsed.

That bit about working for the Canadian consulate in Chicago is the premise from Due South, which I liked back in the day. Wonder how it holds up. The repeated description of “the fighting young commander who can talk to the young” is taken from Doonesbury; when the Reverend Scot Sloan was introduced it was always with his press clippings and description as “the fighting young priest who can talk to the kids”. I believe that itself is a reference to someone from the real world but what do I know about that? Malitol’s backstory is that of Diane on Cheers. Wibberly’s was Bosom Buddies, a TV show that I’m sure has aged without a single flaw.

It is hard to think of a Star Trek-y death that they didn’t actually do. I am aware, now, of resemblances between Farnsworth’s demise and that Deep Space Nine episode that’s a James Bond riff.

The 875-020-079 thing is a lift of numbers from an original Star Trek episode that I knew from memory, thank you, and couldn’t just look up back in 2000 or whenever I wrote this.

Last time in this great MiSTing project dubbed The 72 Hours Saga, I was in the middle of Stephen Ratliff’s short story “I Regret To Inform You”. Today, I reach the end, and we’ll soon be on to the actual Sonic the Hedgehog content and the revelation of why all this is called The 72 Hours Saga. But in the story Lieutenant Marrissa Picard is delivering the sad news of an ensign’s death to a woman whose name I spend way too much time making fun of. But here, the bereaved gets into telling the lieutenant about her son.

All of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of The 72 Hours Saga should turn up at this link. I’ll over-explain references needlessly at the end of this post.

---

>
> "He wasn’t the quarterback,

JOEL: He wasn’t nearly cool enough.

> Anupum couldn’t throw well
> enough,

TOM: AnnaNuperin could barely say his name right.

> but a wide receiver.

CROW: The coach really wanted to put him on the other team, but there were rules…

> The girls loved it when he
> stretched out

JOEL: Showing off his half-human, half-bubble gum heritage.

> and caught the pass for a touchdown.

TOM: They went wild for him both times.

> I don’t think
> he brought home the same girl for dinner two weeks running,

CROW: He’d just gobble her all up and there were no leftovers.

> he
> was so popular…"

JOEL: "Did you hear about that popular kid?"

CROW: "Yeah, he’s so keen nobody will give him a second date!"

>
> The high school jersey, number 81,

TOM: I bet he got in trouble for losing the first eighty of them.

> was enshrined in a trophy
> case to the left of the fireplace,

CROW: Where that ghost who’s scaring Scooby and Tim Conway can see it.

> along with several trophies,

JOEL: Belonging to his little sister.

> including the one for third place in the Academy Marathon.

TOM: But there were only two runners in the Academy Marathon.

> It
> looked to be a rather impressive collection

CROW: "Second Grade Field Days Participant" … "Third Grade Field Days Participant" … "Dorm Lounge Rat" … huh.

> for a man who died at
> just 22 years of age.

JOEL: Instantly Marrissa realized Aberdeen Sharparoon was a time traveller who jumped throughout the centuries in his nefarious plans and used this year as a comfortable home base.

>
> "… he really didn’t do the best in school, though,

TOM: Maybe he shouldn’t have hired Peppermint Patty to tutor him?

> and I
> was surprised that he got accepted to the Academy,

CROW: I never had high hopes for my son.

> but Anupum was
> always full of surprises.

TOM: Like when Anubnub paid those Binar kids to fix up his high school transcript.

> I remember once when he…"
>

JOEL: Oh, no, that was somebody else. Who am I thinking of?

> The sun was setting by the time Marrissa left the house.

TOM: She would’ve stayed longer, but Mrs. Shubnub was about to charge rent.

> As
> she walked back to the hotel

JOEL: The Bates Hotel.

> to resume her week’s furlough,

CROW: Mike Dukakis is gonna get blamed for this too.

> she
> observed the slanting sun light

TOM: Oh, no, the sun is falling down!

> across the low hills,

JOEL: "Hey, you hills! If you had any ambition you’d be mountains! Now snap to it!"

> and the
> long shadows thrown by the trees.

CROW: In a silly attempt to trip people.

> Marrissa felt the shadow of
> the Ensign’s death.

JOEL: Wait, no, that’s just Peter Pan’s shadow, sneaking away.

> She’d spend almost her whole day listening
> to Mrs. Chagnon,

TOM: Well, pretending to listen, and really thinking about Gumby fan fiction.

> hearing about her son’s honors,

CROW: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "Here’s his medal for only falling down twice during a half-hour drill."

> deeds,

JOEL: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "He foreclosed on his old treehouse out back, here’s the deed to it."

> and
> little incidents.

TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] "There was this time we were going out to eat at Burger King, and we went in separate cars and we went crazy because neither of us could find the other. Turns out he meant the Burger King on Route 7, and we thought he meant the one on Wolf Road!"

> It made her feel that she knew Anupum Chagnon.

JOEL: That mind-meld where he forced his spirit into her body helped some too.

> It did not feel right to continue her vacation,

TOM: But she persevered in spite of the hardship, and had a wonderful time.

> in the wake of
> his death. She felt the darkness of duty closed in as she
> entered the hotel.

JOEL: They need to brighten up their decor. "Inescapable depressing responsibilities" is not a cheery theme for a resort.

> Marrissa took one last look at the last rays
> of sunlight

CROW: Before the sun went out forever.

> disappearing behind the hills.

TOM: The sun’s playing "peekaboo" with the continent.

> The duty had been
> sad,

JOEL: In case you didn’t know.

> and it colored her vacation

CROW: Or colorized her vacation, anyway.

> like the dark red edged cloud

JOEL: That’s not a cloud! That’s the invading flying saucer!

> low to the horizon against the darkening sky. She’d be returning

TOM: To tell Mrs. Champagne her son died again.

> to the Enterprise early,

CROW: That was the only way to catch them not working.

> and pray that this sad duty

TOM: Walking to hotels through metaphors.

> was one
> she’d never have to do again.

JOEL: "If I just hang around the popular characters, they’ll never get killed permanently and I won’t have to do this again!"

>
> —

TOM: That’s a Morse code M.

>
> Stephen Ratliff

JOEL: The Stephen Ratliff of fanfic writers.

> stephenratliff@crosswinds.net

CROW: Crosswinds.net… Isn’t that a Mercedes Lackey/William Gibson novel?

> Personal Works:

TOM: An all-purpose productivity suite for the Commodore VIC-20, the Apple II+ and the Atari 800.

> http://www.crosswinds.net/~stephenratliff/works

JOEL: Stephen Ratliff works! So give him a try!

>
> So it was to a room full of mostly strangers

TOM: And a handful of partial weirdos.

> that Marrissa
> entered

JOEL: She’s going subcutaneous on us all!

> for her birthday party. And to be honest,

CROW: They deserved it.

> it would have
> been to the same

TOM: I have been to the same, and it’s pretty much like it is here!

> in her home universe.

JOEL: Of Qward.

> – except from "M&M" chapter 5.
>

CROW: I prefer the Canadian "Smarties" chapter 7.

TOM: Let’s blow this popsicle stand.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM. ] About time.

[ To continue … ]

---

Given the specificity of the reference there must have been a New Scooby-Doo Movies with Tim Conway and something about a sports ghost. I don’t remember anymore.

“Lounge Rat” was a dorm award given out some year of my undergraduate career. I guess it was for that person who seemed to always be in the dorm lounge, not taking time out to sleep, eat, or class. Also we gave out dorm awards for some reason? School spirit, you’d think, but I went to Rutgers, so we don’t have any.

Mike Dukakis lost the 1988 Presidential election for various reasons, one of them that he was blamed for a prisoner being allowed out of jail on a furlough who went on to crime. This, combined with that photo of him trying to ride around in a tank, made it impossible to let him be President, because somehow 1988 was like that.

The Burger Kings on Route 7 and on Wolf Road reference actual fast food places in the Albany, New York, area around 2000. Maybe still, for all I know. Back in the day trying to go to the same place in two separate cars never, ever worked, even if one was trying to follow the other. It was literally impossible.

I don’t know what the “M&M” story that Stephen Ratliff quotes in his signature file is. I don’t think it was one of his main-continuity Marrissa Picard stories. Possibly it was a fan fiction of his universe; he did attract some of those. Canadian Smarties are an M&M-like chocolate-with-candy-shell snack, unrelated to the United States candy made of dehydrated mouth desiccant.

Last time in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, Stephen Ratliff’s Marrissa Picard story “I Regret To Inform You” had seen the young Marrissa inform Mrs Chagnon that her son had died in the line of duty. And this looks like a death that’ll stick, not like the ones that hit main cast.

The whole of the MiSTing of that, and the other works bundled together as The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll explain what needs it in a little over a thousand more words.

---

>
> Marrissa had no idea what to say.

TOM: Never before had her collection of knock-knock jokes seemed so inadequate.

> True, just over two years
> ago, she’d been on the other side,

JOEL: She’d been Mrs. Shoognan. It was her turn.

> when Commander Riker had told
> her

TOM: Commander Riker knew four years ago that Imapuppy Shaggadoon was going to die? He should’ve said something.

> that both of her parents had died,

CROW: Four years before she was born.

> but this was different.

JOEL: For one thing, it was later on.

> What do you say when someone has lost their only son? With
> parents, it was different.

CROW: They can ground you.

> Some day, you expect your parents to
> die before you,

JOEL: What with their fast living and loose lifestyle.

> but not your children.

TOM: They’re not children, they’re just Talky Tina dolls.

>
> Mrs. Chagnon collected herself,

CROW: She wanted to have a complete set.

> standing up straight again,
> and using a handkerchief to dry her eyes.

JOEL: No, that’s not a handkerchief, that’s sandpaper!

> "How did it happen?"

TOM: He sneezed and burped at the same time and kept his eyes closed so his head exploded.

>
> This, Marrissa was prepared for.

JOEL: She’d set up the booby traps weeks ago.

> Most of her ride over had
> been taken up

TOM: By a nutty guy trying to talk about Radio Shack and the Federal Reserve almost to the final bus station.

> with a review of the end of the starship Sarajevo.
> There wasn’t much.

CROW: It was a pretty sketchy premise.

> "The Sarajevo was lost

TOM: Did you try retracing your steps until you find it?

> in the Gamma Quadrant
> while defending New Bajor.

JOEL: Against the vicious Captain Blah.

> Both ship and colony were lost, and
> there will be no remains."

TOM: It took most of the ride for her to learn that?

>
> That last point seemed to shock Mrs. Chagnon the most.

CROW: "They lost the whole colony? What kind of yutzes run this Star Fleet? What is this, 17th century Virginia?"

> She
> collapsed once again against the door frame.

JOEL: You know, that touch-sensitive fainting button was a bad thing for her.

> "My poor boy."
>
> Marrissa searched for some way to comfort the lady,

TOM: "Uh… we don’t actually know that he died blubbering and begging for mercy, we were just assuming it."

> and
> found none.

CROW: "Let me check my bag here… wait… no, nothing."

> This was simply beyond her experience.

JOEL: Feelings?

> So she stood
> still,

CROW: She’s hoping she can blend into the background and Mrs. Shruggle will move on to larger prey.

> at attention waiting for Mrs. Chagnon to say something.

TOM: "Uh… whose line is it?"

> It was with great difficulty that she managed to stay tear free,

JOEL: Fortunately, she’d had sponges installed behind her tear ducts.

> keeping the neutral mask of duty on.

TOM: It’s just her little effort to become a kabuki actor.

>
> Once again, Mrs. Chagnon collected herself.

CROW: She’s going to sell herself on eBay and use the money to retire!

> "Won’t you come
> in?"

JOEL: Bill Bailey?

> she said. "You don’t have to go on

TOM: What you’ve said is wonderful enough.

> to the next person, do
> you?"

CROW: "Nah, they’ll hear it on MSNBC."

>
> "No, ma’am, you’re the only one

TOM: Your son was the only guy on the ship.

> I have to see," Marrissa
> said.

JOEL: But did she mean it?

> She wanted to comfort the lady somehow.

CROW: "If I had a marsupial pouch, I could tuck her inside me for warmth."

> And it was true.

TOM: So it was written.

> Ensign Chagnon had been the only member of the Sarajevo’s crew

JOEL: They need to hire some temps or something. Flesh out the staff some.

> from this planet,

TOM: Everybody else had notes from their teachers.

> and hence, his mother was Marrissa’s only
> visit.

CROW: She would have to get further training in being a youthful angel of death from other tragic incidences of starship destruction.

>
> She was shown into a small living room.

TOM: She had to miniaturize herself to fit.

> Over the fireplace
> was a picture of Mrs. Chagnon and Ensign Chagnon.

JOEL: Ensign Shaggy Dog didn’t have a father.

> Mrs. Chagnon
> was seated,

CROW: Even back then she couldn’t take the strain.

> and her son stood behind her, slightly to one side,

TOM: Making bunny ears.

> his hands resting gently on her shoulders.

JOEL: He’s collecting his mom, now.

>
> "That’s my Anupum," Mrs. Chagnon said proudly.

CROW: His color doesn’t look off, does it? I got him secondhand.

> "We had it
> painted

TOM: ‘Cause that way he lasted longer.

> just before he left for the Sarajevo." The ship’s name
> was said with a sob.

CROW: Sob-ijevo?

JOEL: Saraje-sob.

> Marrissa moved to comfort the lady, but was
> waved off.

TOM: Pull up! You’re too low! Give it another go-round!

> "He was so proud of getting that post.

JOEL: "We thought his posting as ‘Chief Target’ was a misprint at best, but he insisted it was normal for a first assignment."

> Not every
> officer gets posted to a starship with the Sarajevo’s reputation

CROW: For internal strife and suffering.

> out of the Academy, you know. Of course you know, you’re in Star
> Fleet.

JOEL: And that means you have superpowers!

> Anyway, he was so surprised that he got the post, after
> all he was in the third quarter of his class,

JOEL: And the second class of his postage.

> and near the bottom
> of that quarter at that…"

TOM: He was pretty rock stupid, honestly.

>
> Mrs. Chagnon’s eyes rested on a picture

CROW: Mrs. Shampoo always popped her eyes out for more relaxed seeing.

> of her son as a
> young boy,

JOEL: Ironically, in the picture he was wearing his "My life’s not going to be snuffed out at a young age defending some unimportant planet in another quadrant from vaguely defined aliens!" T-shirt.

> as she told her son’s hopes and dreams to Marrissa.

TOM: Most of them involved prodigious amounts of candy eating.

> Marrissa watched and listened as she continued to tell about her
> son as he grew up,

CROW: "He was very young as an infant of his age, you know."

> how he once played football for the local high
> school…

TOM: After that the team would catch him and make him sit back in the stands.

[ To continue … ]

---

So to explain a riff that seems wrong but was thought out to the point it was too complicated to be funny. Marissa reflects how two years before this, she was on the other side of the your-relatives-are-dead conversation, only with Riker. I then joke that Riker knew four years ago, instead of two, because reflecting the present against something two years ago gets you to four years ago. Anyway no, I’ve never had reason to think I wasn’t basically neurotypical, why do you ask?

Defending “against the vicious Captain Blah” here refers to an old-time opponent of Cap’n Crunch. … I’m pretty certain. There was a minor Woody Woodpecker antagonist named Captain Blah and I can’t rule that out as impossible, but I feel that was a Cap’n Crunch situation.

Not a fan of all the name-mocking here. Maybe if it had ever gotten clever. “He was very young as an infant of his age, you know” is a solid hit up the center for two bases, though. I probably lifted it from Larry Gelbart and broke it some.

Last week my vintage 2000 Mystery Science Theater 3000 project reached a new phase. We have seen as much of the spec script as John Peterson and Richard Story had written for Star Fleet Academy show. And now … we start Stephen Ratliff’s I Regret To Inform You, the only Marrissa Picard story I ever MiSTed on my own.

The Marrissa Picard stories are what made MiSTing a thing. They hold a place in the lore of MST3K fan fiction akin to what Manos: The Hands Of Fate has. In this series Stephen Ratliff took a minor character — Marrissa, the girl trapped in the elevator with Picard in the disaster-movie episode — and wove her story with all the other kid characters from Next Generation. They became a secondary Kids Crew to starships that saves the day more often than seems probable.

Ratliff wrote prolifically and with incredible patience for the MST3K fans making fun of his premise and of his writing. But he kept at it a good long while and the craft and building of the stories improved, maybe the type case for how really close criticism can make your craft better. Everyone wanted to MiST a fresh Ratliff and this was the one time I got dibs. And, as it was a short piece, I felt all right keeping it all to myself.

Marrissa’s deep lore doesn’t affect this much. In this setting she’s a junior officer tasked with notifying the next-of-kin of a deceased ensign. But I give you this backstory so you understand why I’d pick on what looks like a competent enough downer of a story. We can’t all get the ones where Marrissa flies back to the 1990s to get a space shuttle sent to Mars while Wesley dates Chelsea Clinton.

The whole of the MiSTing of The 72 Hours Saga should be at this link. I’ll talk about whatever needs explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

TOM: I think the next one’s coming up, guys.

>
>

JOEL: Yeah, those are definitely blank lines from a different story.

> Title: I Regret

TOM: Nothing!

> to Inform You

JOEL: So I’m just going to hide from you.

> Author: Stephen Ratliff

CROW: Know this name. Remember this face.

> Series: TNG,

JOEL: The story’s set in Tang?

> Marrissa Stories

> Rating: [PG]

TOM: This story not suitable for those collecting Pogs.

> Codes: n/a

CROW: Only to be coded for North America and New Anglers.

> Part: NEW 1/1

TOM: That means they’re going to have to settle it by a kick-off.

>

> Summary:

CROW: Some are rah. Some are just undecided.

> Marrissa is assigned to inform a woman

JOEL: Marrissa had never seen a woman before, and was sorely afraid.

> that her son has
> died

TOM: [ As a woman ] “But I don’t have a child.”

CROW: [ As Marrissa ] “That’s the other thing I had to tell you.”

> in the line of duty.

JOEL: Technically. Though his Captain was only being sarcastic… didn’t really want him crawling into the antimatter chamber.

>
> +++
>
> Marrissa’s week off had been interrupted

TOM: Her psychiatrist told her to get absolute quiet, but the couple in the next room wouldn’t stop laughing and playing the trumpet.

> by the duty. It
> was not a duty Marrissa was ready for.

CROW: But Star Fleet needed her to represent them in the Intergalactic “Sorry” contests, and she wouldn’t let them down.

> That made her even more
> uncomfortable than the dress uniform she wore.

JOEL: She thought it was silly dress uniforms were always doused in itching powder, but she didn’t want to say anything.

> She’d been
> pressed into this duty,

TOM: Because she was the only starship in the quadrant.

> mainly because she was the closest person
> of sufficient rank.

CROW: And silly enough hat.

> It wasn’t something she’d been trained for,

TOM: There wasn’t enough action in it.

> though the Admiral

CROW: Star Fleet only has one admiral?

TOM: They were desperately understaffed at this point.

> had said that there never was training for
> such a duty.

JOEL: Grief counseling, psychology, crisis management, they wouldn’t help train a person to tell folks a loved one has died.

> She adjusted her uniform a little,

CROW: “Maybe I should turn off the mariachi music.”

> before ringing
> the door bell.

[ TOM sings the opening bars of “Dixie.” ]

JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] “Whoops, I went to the Duke boys’ place.”

>
> As she waited for the door to be answered,

TOM: She reflected on what tough questions the door asked.

> Marrissa looked
> at her reflection

CROW: “Hi, handsome.”

> in the glass screen door. Her Lieutenant’s
> pips were perfectly aligned,

JOEL: You know, if you follow the line of a Lieutenant’s pips, they point to the North Star.

> and her communicator was straight.

TOM: But not narrow.

> Those details were important for this duty,

CROW: If her decorations weren’t perfect, it wouldn’t count, and the guy would have to be brought back to life.

> as was the ability to
> deliver the news without breaking down.

JOEL: It’s important you convey the image that the loved one’s death was a trivial matter you find as emotionally involving as reading the gas meter.

>
> The black shoulders of her dress uniform

CROW: And flashy neon elbows of her dress arms…

> began to heat up in
> the bright sun.

TOM: But she’s saving up solar energy for later use as Bird-Man’s new girlfriend.

> It was beautiful cloudless day, not like it
> should be.

JOEL: Must’ve been a slipup at the setting department.

CROW: Somewhere in a romantic fanfic a couple’s trying to have their first fantastic date and getting thundered and rained on and slipping in the mud and all that.

TOM: That could be kind of fun.

> A day with events like this should be cloudy,

CROW: Or at least night.

> threatening to rain,

JOEL: Unless they drop off the cash.

> or more appropriately,

CROW: Sleeting, turning to snow overnight.

> raining.
>
> The door opened to reveal

JOEL: A new car!

> a grey haired lady in her fifties.
> As she noticed Marrissa

TOM: Hey! Get off the dog! Can’t you read?

> in her dress uniform,

CROW: [ As the woman ] “That’s *my* dress uniform!”

> her hand went to
> cover her mouth,

TOM: [ As Marrissa ] “This is so embarassing, I didn’t think we’d wear the same thing.”

> before she opened the screen door. It was time.

JOEL: Charlie was close. We could smell him.

>
> “Mrs. Chagnon?” Marrissa said.

CROW: Mrs. Shag None?

> The lady nodded,

TOM: “I can’t hide from that name anymore.”

> fearful of
> what Marrissa was going to say next.

JOEL: “We’d like you to come downtown and answer a few questions, please.”

> “I regret to inform you

CROW: You have not won the Star Fleet Publishers Sweepstakes.

> that your son, Ensign Anupum Chagnon,

JOEL: Anupum Chagnon? The heck?

TOM: [ Singing “Animal Crackers” ] Anupum Chagnon in my soup!

> perished in the line of
> duty,

JOEL: And since he wasn’t a main character we aren’t going to bother finding an impossible way to beam him back from nonexistence or something like that.

> when the USS Sarajevo was destroyed by unknown forces,

CROW: It was kind of like gravity, only there was this little twist to the side, and it giggled a lot for some reason.

> early yesterday morning.”

JOEL: But don’t worry, because of the spacetime anomaly they fell into, they won’t actually die until a thousand years of burning, stinging pain has passed.

>
> Mrs. Chagnon collapsed against the door frame.

TOM: Bad time for her legs to give out.

> Tears formed

CROW: Through a gradual process of continental drift and slow sedimentation.

> in the corners of her eyes as, she moaned, “It can’t be.”

JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] “Wait a second… *Shelly* Sugaroon?”

TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] “No, I’m Rebecca. Shelly lives on the other North Yost Road.”

JOEL: [ As Marrissa ] “Oh, I feel so silly now… sorry.”

TOM: [ As Mrs. Chagnon ] “Don’t be, it happens all the time.”

[ To continue … ]

---

I changed a joke that had aged badly here. If it had been a better joke it would’ve aged better. I’m also not happy that I do so many jokes around the idea that “Anupum Chagnon” sounds like a funny name but there’s no editing all those out, which, mm. I should do better.

The joke about what tough questions the door asked is lifted from … something, I think, from around 1990 where character A said they’d got a telephone answering machine and character B wondered if the phone was asking a lot of questions they couldn’t answer. “Get off the dog!” is taken from a classic The Far Side.

The gas meter is a thing people used to read.

I think Yost Road was somewhere some friend of mine lived at the time. I have a vague idea who but it’d be too much effort to ask and confirm.

Last time in my friends Richard Story and John Peterson’s late-90s Star Trek spec script, new Cadet Anna Walker had been called out for making a bad joke, and way before that a shadowy figure threatened an empty room. I guess the room was full of shadows. What will happen now in the end of the fragment they ever finished writing back in the day? It’s coming up almost now!

The whole of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of the bunch of stuff I dubbed The 72 Hours Saga should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>
> Cut to Scene 10- Bridge of the Enterprise.

TOM: This is the scene where it all comes together.

> Hennessy continues to speak as the camera pans across the
> faces of the cadets.

JOEL: Everybody look carefully. I bet this is where Hitchcock’s cameo is.

>
>
>
>
>
> – 6 –
>
> Scene 10 continued.

TOM: I think I missed him.

CROW: We can look it up on the net, later.

>
>
> Hennessy
> (voice over)
>
> One or two of you will probably receive a
> posthumous commission.

JOEL: Of course, we can’t *predict* to whom the ultimate misfortune will fall, but if Boothby’s minions come around offering"insurance," I’d recommend buying it.

> Of those of you who do
> graduate, only a mere handful will serve on
> Starships.

CROW: The rest of you will have to develop such horrendous personality flaws that you’re transfered to a starship to be in complete charge of one research mission in a region of space dangerously close to a very hostile and barely known alien race.

> And of that handful only one will
> raise in rank to actually command a Starship.

TOM: And only one commander in twenty will become insane or a traitor and only one in five of those will become so obviously dangerous they’re promoted to Star Fleet Admiral.

>
> (Pause)
>
>
> cut to
>
> Scene 11-Enterprise Bridge.
> Picard reaction shot, he’s remembering his cadet
> experiences.

TOM: [ As Picard ] I can’t believe I almost failed "Holding Interminable Conferences With Everybody On The Ship."

>
>
> cut to
>
> Scene 12-Enterprise Bridge.

JOEL: One-Adam-Scene-12, One-Adam-Scene-12.

> Camera is back on Hennessy.

[ JOEL swats his hand around ]

CROW: Get this — get it off!

>
>
> Hennessy
>
> I can not predict the future.

JOEL: Not this episode, anyway.

> It will take
> long hard dedicated work

TOM: And a few strategically placed bribes, looking at this bunch.

> to graduate from Star
> Fleet Academy. Will you measure up?

CROW: The measuring up is the hard part. Ever since the great CCNY Tape Measure scandal of ’53, the admiralty’s cracked down.

> Do you have
> what it takes to be a Star Fleet officer?

JOEL: Are the writers blatantly on your side?

> When
> you are in midst of a simulator battle and haven’t
> slept for forty-eight hours

TOM: And you just start giggling mysteriously at the simulator’s Cardassian Gul…

> and discover that you
> have a major exam that afternoon,

CROW: And you walk in late to it and suddenly find you’re naked and it’s a subject you never heard of before…

> reach back and
> grab some of that determination and drive that got
> you here.

JOEL: Mmmmmmmmmmmyeah, could be.

> It’s been said that getting into Star
> Fleet Academy is half the battle.

TOM: I haven’t been saying that. Have you been saying that?

CROW: I thought about saying it, but I didn’t.

JOEL: Oh, I know what it is. I said it once.

TOM: Why did you say that?

JOEL: It was the late eighties. Star Trek came on right after G.I. Joe.

> Do not believe
> it. STAYING in Star Fleet Academy is the hard
> part.

CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] Now, uh, before we dock … I have been pretty lax about discipline, and golly, nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned.

> The academy faculty and staff will help you
> any way possible, but YOU have to make the effort
> and YOU will have to meet the demands placed on
> you.

CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] Now, we’ve looked in the torpedo tubes, we’ve looked in your bags and, uh …

> It is my sincere wish that in four years, I
> will be able to grant each and every one of you a
> commission into Star Fleet.

CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] I mean, it’s been over two weeks, men, and …

> But now, let me be
> the first to congratulate you on being appointed
> to the Star Fleet Academy!

CROW: [ As Hennessy/Bob Newhart ] We’re just lucky it wasn’t the navigation officer or, or someone real important like that.

>
>
> cut to
>
> – 7 –
>
> Scene 13- Auxiliary Control Room One (optical).
> Camera shows a pair of shadows

CROW: I think they’re waiting for groundhog day.

> watching the Enterprise on a
> monitor.

TOM: "I like the me channel."

> A hand (gender unknown)

JOEL: How much gender do hands typically have?

> reaches out and adjusts
> the controls

TOM: Is he preheating the oven?

> and the Enterprise grows larger in the monitor.

CROW: He’s supersizing the Enterprise.

>
>
> Mystery Voice

TOM: Will our Mystery Voice enter and sign in please?

>
> Let’s see how good you really are.

JOEL: [ As Daffy Duck ] I’ll get rid of *him* and make it *look* like an accident!

>
>

ALL: [ Singing ‘Those Endearing Young Charms,’ with last notes high ] Dah da dum, de dum dum, dah de dum da dee dee–

> The hand reaches out and touches a button.

ALL: [ Trying last notes again, too low ] Dum da–

>
>

ALL: [ One more attempt, notes too high ] Dee da–

> cut to
>
>

ALL: [ Starting from scratch, getting it right ] Dah da dum, de dum dum, dah de dum dum da dum–

> Scene 14 – Space near the Enterprise (optical).
> An explosion rips the Enterprise open near the left warp
> nacelle. The Enterprise immediately starts to dip into
> the Earth’s atmosphere.

ALL: [ Finishing off. ] Dum, da dum, da dum.

>
>
> hard cut to
>
>
> Scene 15 – Enterprise bridge (wide angle).

CROW: The bridge ate too big a meal, it’s got to widen the angle so it can fall asleep on the couch.

> All non-seated crew members are struggling to their feet
> and stations.

JOEL: That must’ve been some party we had last night… wait, the party was four days ago… … *Whoa*.

> Red alert sirens are screaming and Data is
> fighting to regain control of the ship with out success.

[ JOEL shadow-boxes Data. ]

>

> It is a fight to just keep from being pitched back to
> the floor.

TOM: If they’d just eat their spinach they wouldn’t have this problem with fights to the finich.

>
>
> Data
>
> Explosion in or near the left plasma conduit,
> Captain.

JOEL: Again.

TOM: I bet the ejection system for the warp core’s broken again too.

CROW: I bet the Borg just showed up too.

> Warp drive and impulse drive are
> off-line!

CROW: Again.

TOM: And I bet somebody just broke out of the security cell.

JOEL: Yup. And the holodeck’s gone crazy and made intelligent life once more.

> The Enterprise is sinking into the
> Earth’s atmosphere!

TOM: Seen it.

CROW: And the transporters are malfunctioning.

JOEL: Ten Forward’s broken out in fights.

TOM: There’s a scout troop short a child.

JOEL: Gowron’s doin’ Idlewild…

> We got 5 minutes till we
> burn up!
>
>
> fade out

CROW: If that’s right then I don’t think they really have time for the opening credits.

>
>
>
>
> – 8 –

JOEL: Is enough.

>
>

TOM: I think the next one’s coming up, guys.

[ To continue … ]

---

Boothby was the gardener at the Academy when Picard was there. From this humble reference 90s Star Trek built him up to be the secret grand master behind all of Star Fleet, like he was the time-travelling custodian in Funky Winkerbean or something.

Adam 12 was a cop show in the early 70s, with the stars answering the radio signal “One-Adam-12”. Thus the one-Adam-Scene-12. “The great CCNY Tape Measure Scandal of ’53” vaguely references what was then City College of New York’s invention of points shaving, the only scandal to have ever bothered college basketball. Joel’s extremely long “mmmmmyeah, could be” references an occasional line from 1940s cartoons that’s probably stolen from an old-time-radio character I don’t recognize.

The long Bob Newhart riff is taken from one of his less-known but still killer bits, The Cruise of the USS Codfish. Well worth the listen. I’m a little regretful now that I copied so much instead of trying to imitate Newhart’s voice, but I’d have done a worse job of it surely.

(Larry Gelbart, who was a frequent commenter in the M*A*S*H group on Usenet, stunned readers when he explained that this one bit where Hawkeye and Trapper John did a Marx Brothers routine was entirely his own invention, not a word lifted from actual Marx Brothers. Taught me the comic power of doing that sort of thing. I also read the time Gelbart discovered he’d accidentally lifted a Groucho Marx line that he thought was original.)

The scout troop short a child/Gowron’s doin’ Idlewild bit references the theme song to forgotten 60s sitcom Car 54, Where Are You? Thinking of typical Next Generation shenanigans happening all at once was not meant to predict season three of Star Trek: Picard but it worked out that way anyway.

Last time on Star Fleet Academy: all the cast of my friends Richard Story and John Peterson’s spec-script Star Trek fanfiction were gathered on the bridge. What will happen next?

No telling, as their late-90s story never finished. But the whole of my early 2001 (I think it was) MiSTing of The 72 Hours Saga should be at this link. I’ll explain what needs explaining later on, after this piece. It’s not much.

---

>
>
> Scene 8- Enterprise Bridge. Wide angle.
> Cadet Walker nudges Cadet Roberts and whispers something
> to him.

CROW: [ As Walker ] And so, Leno asks the guy, "What’s the capital of the United States" and he says, "Uh, I used to know this — Arkansas?"

> He smiles and Cadet Katarous overhears and tries
> to refrain from smirking.

TOM: [ As Katarous ] I saw that one! And the next guy said it was Toronto!

> Unfortunately for the cadets,
> Captain Picard has overheard them.

JOEL: [ As Roberts ] Right, and the next guy, he asked what country’s north of the U.S., and the guy said Maine!

> He turns toward the
> group of cadets whom seem to shrink before him except Cadet
> Walker, who has an expression of pure innocence.

CROW: [ As Walker ] I like yellow.

> Picard
> doesn’t buy it for a second.
>

TOM: [ As Picard ] There’s only one man who can solve this case. Call on… The Hunter!

>
> Picard
>
> Cadets, on my ship I encourage exploration

CROW: But please wait until you’re someplace *private*, I mean, *sheesh*!

> and
> free exchange of new ideas and observations when
> appropriate.

JOEL: [ As Picard ] Now, are you all quite through with your raucous cavorting?

> Perhaps you would like to share
> yours with the rest of us?
>

CROW: I hear this is a two-part episode. The big cliffhanger is Picard finds out one of the cadets brought gum.

>
> Captain Picard had been speaking almost directly to Cadet
> Walker so she comes to attention and speaks to Captain
> Picard in the defense of the group.

TOM: [ As Roberts ] We’re not with her.

JOEL: [ As Katarous ] She’s not even really in Star Fleet. She’s just very, very lonely.

>
> – 4-
>
>
> scene 8 continued.

JOEL: You missed it. You should’ve been there.

>
>
> Walker
>
> Sir,

CROW: [ As Walker, panicked ] I wasn’t saying you’re bald!

> I merely observed to Cadets Roberts and
> Katarous that you and Commander Data worked like
> a well oiled machine.

CROW: [ As above ] And not that your head’s shiny enough to be a menace to navigation!

>
> (a beat)
>
> No offense Commander.

CROW: [ As above ] So, see, Captain Bal — I mean, Chrome — I mean — I don’t mean — uh, how are you bald — *doing,* how are you *doing*, sir?

>
>
> Data is puzzled because he heard exactly what she said.

JOEL: His "stupid joke" sequencers were still analyzing it.

> However, the actual statement itself was not derogatory
> or at least his understanding of it isn’t.

TOM: Uhoh, does this mean he’s going to make a bunch of lame gags about being a machine all episode as part of "understanding the human equation"?

>
>
> Data
>
> None taken.

CROW: But you’re in a lot of trouble, missy.

>
>
> Picard rubs his chin and isn’t buying it. But he admires
> her spunk and decides to take her down a peg.

TOM: He’s going to transfer her to Lou Grant’s office.

>
>
> Picard
>
> I see Cadet Walker.

TOM: OK, now, I spy with my little eye… something starting with the letter "e".

CROW: OOh, ooh. I know. I see the Empty Void of Outer Space?

TOM: You’re right, yes!

> Perhaps in four years if
> you graduate from Star Fleet Academy,

JOEL: Like *that’s* gonna happen.

> you will
> be able to work as efficiently with your fellow
> officers.

TOM: Now, drop to the floor, gimme 500, and then scrub all the bathrooms with your toothbrush, missy.

>
>
> Cadet Walkers eyes flash with determination and not more
> than little pride.

JOEL: And not less than a little stupidity.

>
>
> Walker

TOM: Anna Walker, Tennessee Ranger.

>
> Sir, I WILL graduate

JOEL: I HAVE pictures of the entire Admiralty!

> and I will sit in the
> center seat of a Starship.

CROW: It’s rare that you see somebody chewing their leg off to get back into a trap.

>
>
> Picard is pleased by this response.

TOM: He can feel that side tingling.

> He sincerely hopes
> the cadet can back up her boast.

CROW: He’ll meet her in the alley after her shift is done.

> It is a long four years

TOM: And I’ve been workin’ like a dog.

> and many a cadet with similar pride and determination has
> washed out.

JOEL: See, these wide stretches of text are there in case they get narration from Speed Racer.

TOM: Captain! If you don’t win, you could end up losing the race!

>
> – 5 –

CROW: With five precincts reporting, we’re still not close to being done.

>
>
> scene 8 continued.
>
>
> Picard turns to Admiral Hennessy

JOEL: Blubbering.

> gives him a quick smile out
> of the corner of his mouth

TOM: "I’ve softened ’em up for ya, kid, now go nuts."

> and it is at this point we
> realize they are old friends.

CROW: [ As Picard ] You’re in Troi’s seat. Why aren’t you wearing something more degrading?

>
>
> Picard
>
> Admiral, System wide interspeaker is on.

JOEL: [ Tapping chest ] Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [ Makes a feedback Wheeee-OOOOOO-wheeeeee noise ] Sorry.

>
>
> Hennessy walks up to OPS and presses a button. The
> Camera close ups on the Admirals face as he speaks.

TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] On "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.", what did "U.N.C.L.E." stand for again? United Nations Command… no, wait… Union of Natural… that’s not it… I’ll have to get a report about that.

>
>
> Hennessy
>
> Cadets!

CROW: Get yer red-hot, fresh, Cadets! Get ’em while they’re buttered!

>
>
> cut to
>
>
> Scene 9 – Rec. Deck on the Enterprise is full of cadets.

JOEL: But then one of them discovers the trail of cookies and they all walk out the air lock.

> A large screen shows Admiral Hennessy (optical) speaking
> from the bridge.

TOM: [ As Hennessy ] United Network Command… for Law Enforcement? That can’t be right… is it? Wait…

>
>
> Hennessy
> (voice over)
>
> Today,

JOEL: I consider ourselves the luckiest men off the face of the earth.

> you have been given a taste of what you
> will be working for during the next four years.

TOM: Since none of you are trained, it’s amazing you haven’t blown yourselves up already.

> Take a good look around you.

CROW: Are you *proud* of yourselves, misters?

> Savior the time you
> are here.

TOM: Hallelujah!

> On the average, nearly one -third of
> each entering class will wash out of Star Fleet
> Academy.

JOEL: That’s what we get for putting you in the laundry with the socks.

> Some cadets will graduate in five or six
> years.

CROW: Others will join leftist groups and spend your Star Fleet careers protesting the fascist hegemony by getting tear gassed.

[ To continue … ]

---

Back in the day Jay Leno had a segment where he’d ask people obvious questions and they would get it wrong and totally not because they wanted to be on TV. The 90s were a heck of a time.

The Hunter was a regular segment on Underdog. He was a bumbling detective using the Foghorn Leghorn/Senator Claghorn voice to catch The Fox by happening to be around when the cartoon runs out. It’s pretty fun.

I feel like “your raucous cavorting” is lifted from somewhere but I don’t remember where. Maybe I was just funny. It happens.

While there’s an idea I still respect behind that closing “fascist hegemony” riff, it’s an unfocused joke as is and I’d like a sharper version of it. Well, the 90s, you know?

Last time in Richard Story and John Peterson’s Star Trek spec script Star Fleet Academy, the Enterprise got to Earth and a mysterious figure of mystery cackled that this was predictable. So, excited for the show yet?

The spec script — just a fragment — is a part of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, gathered undre the title The 72 Hours Saga. The whole of it should appear at this link. I’ll talk about things from this circa 2001 fanfic that need explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>
> Cut to
>
> Scene 5 Space (Optical) –

CROW: See, if this was on Smellevision this scene might be transmitted by scent instead of optically.

> The Enterprise passes both the Space Dock and Orbital
> Fortress I to enter standard orbit around the Earth.

JOEL: Standard — with a zesty twist.

> The Enterprise seems to ‘wobble’ a bit on entering orbit

TOM: Don’t you hate it when you drive over the rumble strips?

> and another fortress is barely visible behind the Earth.
>

CROW: Is that the one where Tom and Jerry of the future are posted?

>
> cut to
>
> Scene 6 -Enterprise Bridge.

JOEL: The only way to get from the Ready Room to Brooklyn.

> The bridge has Captain Picard sitting in the center seat,

TOM: Hi, I’m Captain Picard!

[ JOEL starts singing some game show music; CROW and TOM pick it up when he has to speak. ]

> Data at Ops,

CROW: Hi, I’m Commander Data!

> Admiral Hennessy sitting in Counselor Troi’s
> normal seat,

JOEL: And I’m Admiral Hennessy, and we’re —

ALL: Starfleet Officers!

> and ND crew at the other stations. A group of
> cadets including Anna Walker,

TOM: I’m Anna Walker!

> Blake Roberts,

CROW: Hi, I’m Blake Roberts!

> Katarous,

JOEL: And I’m Cadet Katarous, and we’re —

ALL: First-year cadets!

TOM: [ Announcer’s voice ] And now we’re ready to play "Hot (Ssssssssss!) Potato!" Here’s your host, Bill Cullen!

[ They stop the theme music. ]

> T’Kon
> and Kozh are watching the flight. As the camera passes
> across each cadet’s face

CROW: Man, this is *so* not the Next Generation we’re watching here.

> they all seem to be feeling the
> awe and wonder of a flight on the Enterprise.

JOEL: Or they’re just glad to see us.

>
>
>
>
>
> – 2 –
>
>
> cut to
>
>
> Scene 7. – Captain Picard.
> Close up on Picard.

ALL: [ Jumping back ] Aaaah!

> He stands as camera pulls back to
> cover the command area and OPS. Hennessy also gets up
> and looks like the cat that ate the canary.

CROW: Hey, he’s not acting, he *did* eat the canary!

> It’s good to
> be back on a Starship again.

JOEL: And how!

> Data is shutting down the
> flight controls with out waiting for the orders from Picard.

TOM: Wow, he’s just a highly sophisticated artificial life-form given the best training in the galaxy and with decades of experience, yet already he’s able to do the obvious.

>
>
> Data
>
> (Singing to himself)
>
> Lifeforms, we’re happy little lifefoooorms!

CROW: Oooh, it’s the annoying Data we came to resent in the movies.

>
>
> Picard does the ‘Picard’ maneuver with his tunic. Getting
> Data’s attention.

TOM: Data can hear people adjusting their shirts?

JOEL: At least they got him to stop commenting when people adjusted their underwear.

>
>
> Picard

CROW: [ Clucking ] Puc-puc-puc-puc-Picard!

>
>
> Flawless as usual, Mr. Data. You may secure
> OPS from flight mode.

TOM: On second thought, let’s not go to standard orbit.

>
>
> Data is pleased at the compliment. He likes to be
> complimented from people he respects.

JOEL: [ As Frank Burns ] It’s nice to be nice… to the nice.

>
>
> Data
>
>
> Aye, Sir. OPS is in station keeping mode.

CROW: Joel, why are the lines of dialogue so short?

JOEL: That’s cause it’s in the format for a TV script, honey, and studio executives can’t read more than about eight words in a row.

CROW: Oh.

>
> (Data turns to Captain Picard with
> a small frown.)

TOM: [ As Data ] Were you making faces at me again?

>
> Captain, I would not call the flight flawless.

JOEL: I think it’d be better called Merle.

> I missed the transition from Warp to maximum
> impulse power

TOM: I just blew it, man. I gotta be drunk or something.

> by .0038 milliseconds. Also
> the Enterprise bobbled

JOEL: Giving the Globetrotters the edge they needed to beat us.

> in the transition into
> Earth’s orbit.

CROW: Furthermore, we ran out of salted peanuts just past Wolf 359.

JOEL: Plus the in-flight movie was "Star Trek: Insurrection."

> I believe we
>
>
>

JOEL: And I mean that sincerely.

>
>
> – 3 –

TOM: If that was just a – 30 – we could go.

>
> scene 7 continued.
>

CROW: Don’t know where, don’t know when, but it continued.

>
> Data
>
> (Pausing for effect.)

JOEL: Hold on, I gotta look up my line.

>
> Hit a pothole in the ozone layer.
>
>
> Picard

ALL: Hit him! Hit him!

>
> (Amused, but not smiling)
>
> I think we can forgive you those small errors,
> Data. After all, we are all getting older.

JOEL: Oh, I think this is subtle foreshadowing that the lead characters are going to shift from Picard and Data to Admiral Hanna Barbera and Cadet Guitars.

CROW: I think it’s subtle foreshadowing that in even in a fanfic they couldn’t afford more than about five minutes of Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner.

>
>
> Data
>
> (genuinely confused)
>
> Captain? As you are well aware, I am an android.

JOEL: I have no favorite character in "Dilbert."

> I do not grow old.

CROW: I just drone on and on until one day I fall apart.

>
> (Catching on to Picard’s joke.)
>
> I do not rust nor do I wear out. I have a
> lifetime warranty.

JOEL: I think Data’s being written so if Brent Spiner won’t play the part, Charles Nelson Reilley can step in.

[ To continue … ]

---

Hot Potato was a short-lived 1980s game show, but I repeat myself, hosted by Bill Cullen, and again I repeat myself. It did put teams of three people with some common element against one another and the intro went roughly like that. Game Show Network was showing it a bunch around 2000. Someone on Usenet made a pest of himself on the game show newsgroups by asking how you played the game, did Bill Cullen throw a hot potato at someone, that would be funny, only spelled wrong. The troll did this a lot and it never got less funny.

Yes, “On second thought, let’s not go to standard orbit” is a Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference. I thought leaving off the “tis a silly place” would make it a less obvious line.

Please do not cut yourself on my razor-sharp critique of Star Trek: Insurrection, a movie disliked at the time but which people have since reappraised as “sounds like a Star Trek movie I probably saw”. This was around the tail end of when a flight might have a singular in-flight movie as opposed to an in-seat screen with your selection of four movies you wouldn’t have chosen to watch yourself.

-30- was the traditional newspaper signal that one had reached the end of the story. It derives from the old Morse Code prosign signalling the deliberate end of a transmission. In modern Morse Code this sign is dot dot dot dash dot dash, or the code for the letters SK run together, which is why it’s transcribed as SK with a bar over the top. In 19th century (American) Morse, dot dot dot dash dot was the code for ‘3’, and a long dah was ‘0’.

The Dilbert reference preserves in amber that time before Scott Adams decided to give up being a popular comic strip artist in favor of being racist online. His loss.

We are still in the preliminary shorts of my biggest-ever Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction. Last week saw the starting outline for Richard Story and John Peterson’s Star Trek spec script, Star Fleet Academy: A New World. This week, we get a little bit closer to the story! I swear, by next week stuff happens.

The whole of the MiSTing of The 72 Hours Saga — which someday will include two Star Trek fan fictions plus three Sonic the Hedgehog short stories — should appear at this link. I’ll explain what could benefit from explanation after these jokes.

---

> Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy

JOEL: Does that sound all right? It doesn’t sound weird now?

>
>
> A New World

CROW: Everybody with us so far?

>
>
> Character Descriptions

JOEL: Blossom’s commander and the leader, Bubbles is the joy and the laughter, and Buttercup is the toughest fighter.

>
>
> Admiral Bruce Hennessy is 50 year old Australian male.

CROW: So that’s what’s become of Yahoo Serious.

> His hair
> is standard length

TOM: Hippie!

> and black except for silvering on his sideburns
> and a ‘salt ‘n’ pepper’ beard.

JOEL: After lunch he has a ‘catsup and mustard’ beard.

> No noticeable scars or tatoos.

ALL: At first.

> Commandant of Star Fleet Academy.

CROW: And host of this week’s Saturday Night Live.

> Prior Assignment: Admiral
> Commanding Federation 6th fleet.

JOEL: Yeah, but did you hear about his dog?

TOM: The Sixth Fleet, tragically, was destroyed one day when the Admiral had to go to the bathroom and he left Riker in charge for ten minutes.

>
>
> Commander Rebecca Bein is a 27 year old Irish female.

JOEL: Beckybeins?

> Her hair is
> red and has green eyes.

TOM: She’s as Irish as you can get and not be magically delicious.

> Several small scars on left hand and arm
> and permanent ‘black eye’ or discoloration around her right eye.

CROW: Actually, the black eye is just ’cause she’s a big fan of Ranger Rick.

> Star Fleet Academy Director of Academic Services, Professor of
> Performing Arts, Director of Star Fleet Academy Band and Choir.

TOM: So Star Fleet offers professorships for tactics, military history, hyperspatial engineering, and playing the triangle.

> Star Fleet MOS:

JOEL: Star Fleet Mit Out Sound?

> Operations. Last Assignment: Captain of the U.S.S.
> Achilles N.C.C. – 18674 (Frigate). Clothing note:

TOM: She will wear clothing for today’s performance.

CROW: Awwww…

> Will wear gloves
> out in the public.

TOM: Unless it’s below freezing out, and then she goes nude!

> White dress gloves for formal occasions and tan
> gloves in all other occasions.

JOEL: But she only does that to hide the fact that she has no skin.

>
>
> Cadet Anna Walker is an 18 year old Native American of the Cherokee
> Tribe.

TOM: The Jeep Cherokee tribe.

> She has short black hair (page boy style)

CROW: She’s practicing to play a messenger boy in a Shakespeare play.

> and has green
> eyes. No noticeable scars or tatoos.

TOM: Only missing her left arm.

> Star Fleet Academy Status:

CROW: The Cool Clique.

> First year (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program:
> Operations.

JOEL: Good friends with Thunder and Mainframe, and helped Mainframe cover up when he was dating the evil Zartan’s sister Zarana.

>
>
> Cadet Blake Roberts

TOM: For Nightline.

> is an 18 year old African American from Atlanta,
> Georgia.

JOEL: As opposed to Atlanta, Michigan.

> Nominated for Admission by Admiral (Medical) Dr. Leonard
> McCoy and Captain (Medical) Dr. Beverly Crusher.

CROW: But he’s really just this guy, y’know?

> Hair is normal
> length. No scars or tatoos.

TOM: Except as a result of purchasing Cracker Jack boxes.

> Star Fleet Academy Status: First Year
> (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program: Medical.

JOEL: If he’s going to be a ship’s surgeon, shouldn’t his specialty program be Operations?

>
>

TOM: OK, enough of the humans. Bring on the aliens who’re going to teach us all a little something by struggling to understand humanity for *this* premise.

> Katarous is a 14 year old Caitian female.

JOEL: There’s your generic written science fiction alien.

> She has honey-blonde
> hair (mane) and reddish-orange fur.

CROW: She’s good friends with Valerie and Melody, and can play lead guitar in case Josie has to miss a performance.

> She is bipedal and speaks with
> a rolling r and purring tone.

JOEL: ‘Cause she’s so much like a cat.

> She is a direct descendant of M’Ress
> from the animated show.

TOM: This way, we can just use M’Ress’s old personality and don’t have to think up a new one.

JOEL: M’Ress: The other, less developed, Uhura.

> In her tribe, her coloration marks her as
> a telepath and she does rate fairly highly on the scale.

CROW: So she can be the token psychic nitwit telling us the aliens who blew up decks 20 through 38 are feeling hostile.

> No scars
> or tatoos.

JOEL: Neutered, though, and wears purple SoftPaws.

> Star Fleet Academy Status:

CROW: She only plays it on the easy levels.

> First Year (Plebe) Cadet.

TOM: And all-around new guy.

> Desired Specialty Program: Communications.
***MAKE UP:

CROW, TOM: MAKE UP!
[ JOEL pulls a big pillow out and baps TOM and CROW in turn. ]

> Please
> refer to the M’Ress character from Filmations Star Trek for
> make up guidelines.***

TOM: Then, once Paramount acknowledges the existence and fans of the Star Trek cartoon, visit Satan, who’ll be glad to give you a fresh slushie scooped right out of the River Styx.
[ JOEL tosses the pillow off past TOM. ]

>
>
> T’Kon is a 18 year old Vulcan female.

JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] It’s possible.

> She wears her long (unbraided,
> it falls to her hip) hair pulled up in a severe bun.

JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Are you a hatrack from Hackensack?

CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] No.

> Slim and more
> catlike build for a Vulcan.

JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Or a Glockenspiel from Glockamara?

CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] You’re getting warm.

> No scars or tatoos. Star Fleet Academy

> Status: First Year (Plebe) Cadet.

JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] Uh-uh. I know who it is…

> Desired Specialty Program:
> Engineering.

JOEL: [ As Lambsy Sheep ] It’s the wooluff! It’s the wooluff! Help!

CROW: [ As Mildew Wolf ] Aw, knock it off.

>
>
> Kozh is a 16 year old Klingon -Orion hybrid. He has a slim,
> athletic build with little to no head ridges.

TOM: Wow, slightly different forehead bumpiness. But I’m sure Star Trek’s squad of makeup specialists will be able to handle it.

> He should be Asiatic
> looking.

JOEL: By a tragic mistake they cast somebody Adriatic looking.

> Hair is braided and shoulder length.

TOM: But weirdly it only starts below his ears.

> Tatoo (small) on
> right cheek of a gauntlet holding a chalice.

CROW: The Holy Grail of the Trekkies.

> Star Fleet Academy

> Status: First Year (Plebe) Cadet. Desired Specialty Program:
> Services Branch (Supply).

JOEL: So he dreams of someday being master of requisition form PSW slash 550E, chapter 7103 paragraph 23 stroke 447.

TOM: Aim for the stars, my lad.

> Background note: Son of a Slave captured
> by the Orions and held in slavery till he was 10 years old.

CROW: This is good. This way the series will be able to take the bold stance of telling us slavery is naughty.

> He is
> a first class scrounger.

TOM: Which will come in handy in his new assignment as company clerk of the 4077th MASH.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

JOEL: [ Standing up, banging on the screen ] Hey, c’mon, could we get a little service here?

CROW: At least bring us water!

TOM: A plate of bread already?

[ To continue … ]

---

“Did you hear about his dog?” is actually a reference and I’m not sure I have it right. But there was a World War II general — I want to say Mark Clark, but I can’t confirm it — who got into an extremely minor flap when a rumor started that his dog — at least, a dog that was hanging around — kept getting underfoot during the landing at, not sure. North Africa, I believe, or maybe Sicily. And I know, you’re thinking, that’s the Fala scandal and no, I’m not thinking about that. I’m confident it was connected to the invasion of Italy. Anyway the book I got it from is somewhere in the Troy (New York) Public Library in about 1999 so if you could stop in there and check I’d appreciate it. I could swear it was Robert H Aldeman and George Walton’s Rome Fell Today, so if Aldeman or Walton could give me a quick confirmation, I’d appreciate it. Maybe it was General Lucas’s dog?

The thing about Riker destroying the Sixth Fleet in ten minutes references Generations where he gets the ship blown up by stock footage of all things.

“Beckybeins” is meant to riff on “buckyballs”, one of those material-science things that pop science magazines were very excited about in the 80s and 90s but that don’t do anything anyone needs.

The thing about Mainframe dating the evil Zartan’s sister Zarana is from an episode of the 1980s G.I.Joe series. Their computer expert got in a relationship with Zarana, who was herself evil, by the way. I do not remember that Thunder had anything to do with Mainframe’s dating life or even if they ever interacted. Thunder had a tank and, I assume, other traits.

Richard Story loved my joke that the surgeon’s specialty should be Operations.

SoftPaws are these plastic nail caps you glue to the claws of dogs or cats that keep them from being able to scratch stuff open. They’re pretty neat. I’m sure there’s nothing bad about forcing a cat’s claws to be extended at all times.

Back in the 90s and early 2000s it was received wisdom that Paramount would never let anyone touch the Filmation Star Trek cartoon’s stuff. Fan lore held it that they were humiliated by the stuff put in there. I’m more convinced that in the wake of Filmation’s closure they weren’t sure who owned what pieces of the cartoon’s intellectual property. Paramount has since released the 70s cartoon on DVD and made a bunch of allusions to stuff in it so they must have since bought every company that might own a piece of it.

The Lambsy Sheep and Mildey Wolf thing is from the It’s The Wolf segments of the Cattanooga Cats show. It was a Hanna-Barbera funny-animal short series from the late 60s. From the riff you now know what the hook of the show was. It was Bristlehound the English sheepdog’s.

That requisition form PSW slash 550E thing seems peculiarly specific. It’s probably something like the serial number for whatever version of Matlab I was running back then or something.