Nothing Else & Anything Else

Not sure I will ever be happy.

I go through my days where I will smile and smile and smile and laugh.
Then I go through my days where I admit that those smiles and times I've laughed were forced.
My miserable hometown, exacerbated my misery, and I moved. I'm out of there.

I come here, my current place of residence - a bed, 1/2 a bathroom, a desk and 1/4 kitchen in small room of a high-density apartment complex on a univeristy campus located off the northern california coast, on the edge of a redwood forest - and mess up the good things I've got going.

I fail my first semester of university - why? Because of laziness? Because of homesickness? Recklessness? Depression? I don't know what happen really, but it kepted me in bed during classes and inundated with emotions; confusion and fustrastion pouring out of me - literally, as I would cry in between classes and after, in the middle of the night and before I had lunch, and I would smoke some marijuana and down a class of whatever liqour I had on me at the time in between.

That's when I noticed something was really wrong. I like weed and booze. I enjoy it. It's always been my personal philosophy that I'd only alter my reality as an enlightening or "fun" thing to do. I've been always told people, if you're smoking or drinking to escape reality, then something clearly isn't right.

I went to see a counselor and we talked.I didn't know where to start because I don't get to talk often, conditioned to keep it brief by the short-attention span of people I consider friend, but I got the hang of it eventually. I think I started giving her so much at once. I was like a volcano and my words magma - coming from deep inside me and spout out by the built up pressure.

She asked me once, "Do you you want to be in school?"
I replied without thought, "I can't see myself doing anything else. I really do love it."
She said, "OK, that's something. Figuring out what you want to do is as important as doing it."
I just shook my head in agreement and she changed the subject.

In the beginning of the semester, because I am on Academic Probation - something totally foreign and scary to me - I was obligated to see an Academic Advisor/Tutor/Life Coach/Crazy Lady.

In my first meeting with her, she asked me, "Do you want to be a college student right now?" and this time, I hesitated for the slightest of seconds before saying, "Yeah I do." She replied, "are you sure, because you don't have to be."

That conversation struck me hard and I'm not exactly sure how I replied to that, if at all (ok, I did reply and it was something to the effect of "i really like this school, its facilities, the instructors..."), but I made the differentiation between what my counselor had asked and what my advisor had asked immediately.

I do want to be a college student, and I do like my school and new city. I love or can love the life I've made or am making here. I just don't know if academia is for me, right now. Although I can't see myself doing anything else, right now, I know that there is something else. I know that there are other things to pursue, that may not be/aren't as equally appealing, but alluring in their own sense, maybe easier than this route and it's bothering me.

Nothing else but school makes me feel happy [excited, mostly] and sad at the same time, and anything else terrifies me. School is the only thing that has been constant in my life, the one thing I thought I could stick with, 'cause I often give-up a lot [writing, people, etc.], and I don't know if I could let it go. Change comes with "anything else".

I know I'm not the first to say I'm afraid of change and all the implications that'll come with it.

xo

Nov
  • Current Music
    weight of lies by the avett brothers

Dear 19 Year Old Self

Dear 19 year old self,

Get out of your head. You are worth listening to and a pleasure to be around. You've got friends already. Therefore there are chances of making others. Be yourself. God, that is possibly the worst advice I've given to anyone, but it's all that makes sense. You are pretty extraordinary, you know that? Blow your head up, because it's been deflated for too long. I know you'll refuse, and find it a strenuous task, but list your good qualities for once, instead of mapping and marking out the bad. Look at all things you've done and not the things you haven't. Don't compare to yourself to others and feel inferior to they're successes. Those aren't your achievements and they were not your goals; they were his or her's and you have your own. It's not comparable. You are different people. Yes, contrary to your prior belief of everyone being droids of sort, people can be different -- you are no exception. We will not always talk the same and definitely will not always see -- what's the expression? "Eye-to-eye." You will not always find someone who get's every reference you make to the ridiculous things you soak up from popular culture, so don't think you are not funny because a few people don't laugh. Don't think that you're not worth listening just because your joke came out bad. Actually, don't think you're only worth listening to when being humorous. You've got plenty of other engaging and riveting things to say, so say them. Just remember though, a one sided conversation always leads to you feeling like you're boring. Just stop thinking you're boring, if it's not evident enough, people are still around and looking to you for entertainment. Hey, and don't feel bad about not wanting to go to 'the club." Don't feel obligated to change your whole self to fit conventions. Be adaptable, but don't dwell too much, not to say forget about being considerate to context, on what you sound and act like. Just your whole complex, your obsession with not looking like a fool, you should give it a rest for a while. Focusing too hard on prevention of looking like a fool will turn into fool-like concentration, and with that, you'll more than likely --actually, I guarantee it-- end up...looking like a fool. With your metaphorical tongue hanging out and analogical sta-sta-sta-stuttering? Your slobbery similes and rueful rhetoric? You just don't want that. So close it and don't forget to breathe. Not those "1-2-3-4-5-breath-1-2-3-4-5-breath" breaths, either. You need those short gasp, whisps that slip between teeth. Those in between breaths and those now and again breaths. Just to remind yourself that you're still kicking. Yes, even you need some slight slapping and weltering water to wash over your face. Because I know you forget and I know that you do so intentionally, but take those damn breath you bugger. Sing them if you have to. Take you dwindling spark and bash more rocks together. Grab some kerosene. Light the bitch on fire, regardless of how the only place you feel real is fictional, you can make things come alive! LIVE! You've got only one to do so, as many say!

By the way, you're not being childish. Everyone has their insecurities.

xo

nov

An Anthology of Thoughts

This is going to be a series of unrelated thoughts. I'll probably number them. I'll probably address issues that I have with people, but anonymously, too. Also, I'll probably say "fucking" and "asshole" and "shit" and "I'm an idiot", a lot...so you've been warned.


1) I keep saying I don't know what happened, although I do. It was the result of so many wasted hours on the internet trying to fill The Emotional Void that created the imbalance of my life schedule. I'm devising a way to get it on schedule but logic and emotion are becoming infused and confused, making it way hard.

2) Why drink and drive when you can smoke a fly. I am sad that that dude cut his dreads, but he has a chance to redeem himself. If he drops that girl someone said was his girlfriend, I will totally forgive him. hahaha Smoke and loving. Smoke and loving. YUM.

3) I have great, great friends. Also, they are all as fucked up as I am, and as fuck up as this sounds, that's comforting.

4) I am convinced I have everyone pegged. Pfft, but I'm still figuring out where I go.

5) I was thinking about some guy I really liked for a long while, the other day. His good friend showed up in the most obscure of places and gave me free tickets to his play. Though I am quite over the guy, I was hoping to see him at the play. I didn't and it kinda makes me sad. Too, when the play ended, I didn't say "thank you for the comp tickets" or "great job" to said good friend. I feel like an asshole.

6) I get sad thinking about tomorrow. I used to not even think past 5 hours. This wasn't a good thing, as I was not leading a very healthy (at least by the norms of today) life, but it was easy and fun. This kind of thinking always makes me want to leave town and start different in the city...or further. There's my redo.

7) I really can't wait to transer (If I do). I have to finish these 3 classes and it's a sure thing.

8) Somtimes I wonder if the sorting hat put me in the wrong house.

9) I wish I had time to read more. 3 books that are half-way read. Howevs, I wish I spent less time reading. It too, is a reason why I am so behind on geography.

10) I know why fangirls get so attached their ships, but I don't want to write anything on it because It'll be a analysis of character...I don't think I want people to figure me out by means that are so outright.

11) I lost my passion for things and it upsets me. A lot. I was so environmentally headstrong, and way into my vegetarianism. I had reasons and I was doing things. I don't do nothing. I don't have a fucking compost pile anymore and I'm not out there with my local animal shelters. I just sit here. Not even just that, I've stopped doing any type of student teaching, mentoring, and tutoring. =(

12) I am a very lonely bean. I very lonely bean.

13) I like you a lot. I don't know why. Knowing you, you'd wonder why. Knowing you, you'd say something to the effect of, "you shouldn't. there's not much here to like" and I'll be stumped. You always stump me. Even in music. I've written 3 songs based loosely on my feelings for you. Pretty lame, never finished. I'm quite certain they will never be recorded. You'll know and that horrifies me. Here, have a confession: I am jealous of how much attention you get from girls.

14) I wish I wrote more. Furthermore, I wish I finished things. Finished short stories: 1; Started stories: 8 Incredibly impressive? I think so.

15) I wish I was this age now, in the 70s. I would kill to go to a live KISS concert back then.

16) He was definitely my own Jordan Catalano. Except he was literate; very smart and very musically talented.

17) I'm an idiot. That, or I'm very knowledgeable but not very smart.

18) I want pizza, pizza sounds good. Well, it always sounds good to me. Just like Sirius Black.

19) I'm nervous. For no damn reason. What kind of shit is that?

20) I am awkward and awkaward situations with even my family proves it. I can easily blame it on things that have happened to me -which I shan't get into, lol- but that won't help me now. Sure recognizing the source of the problem is the first step, but where do I go from there? A million hours of research, observation, and personal social experiments and I got nothing. I should probably talk to one of them perfeshionawls.

21) I remembered I said "I wish I was mentally retarded sometimes. It'd be easy." in a journal entry. I looked at that a month or two ago. There is some validity to that, but in turn, it is also very offending and insensitive, and more so incomplete. I wish I was mentally retarded sometimes. It'd be easy becaaaauuuse I'd have something in my defense for how complete fucked up I am. <--I know that doesn't sound any better either.

22) I want a bike. I want to hike. I miss the redwoods and laying on sorals and sitting next to the Pescadero street.

23) things I want to do right now:
see wizards
eat pizza
win $50k
register for infinitus
him

24) I wonder who likes me, like that. If anyone. And if they are afraid of saying anything. I'd like to see whats so so about me as well as what's so intimidating about me.

25) I like you. You're funny. And another guy who is sad. I hate that I am attracted to guys who are sad. Two sad people: can they be happy? I figure if we're both sad for the same reasons, yeah, very. That's probably why.

Nothing Came Out//The Moldy Peaches

Formspring has gone and got me a lot of jealous. Thanks, formspring. I hate when internet things become more than what they have to be to me, dammit. I strayed from myspace after the last guy I talked to on their, and now twitter and formspring has this guy I like driving me mad. He just has to be SOO likable. Dickface. And, this is basically how I feel:

Just because I don't say anything,
Doesn't mean I don't like you.
I open my mouth and I try and i try
But no words came out.

Without 40 oz. of social skills
I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity.
I'm just a huge manitee.
A huge manitee.

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wana do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

Duck Tales, shirt tails, Talespin, Sailor Moon, GI Joe, Robotech, Ron Jeremy, Schmoo.

I wanna watch cartons with you.
Josie and the Pussycats and Scooby Do,
I want you to watch cartoons with me.
He-man, Voltron and Hong-Kong-Fui

I tried to ask you to your face
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away,
That doosn't mean I don't like you.

And besides your probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you,
And stay up late and maybe spoon.

Just becase I dont say anything
Doesn't mean I dont like you.
No...
I opened my mouth and i tried and i tried.

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skiny, pretty girl that likes to
Talk about bands and
All I wanna do is ride bikes with you.
And stay up late and watch cartoons.

I'm just your average Thundercats ho.

--nov? er, moldy peaches?

SAMF

Yes, I've said it...and I'll say it again. FUCK. Expecting more eh? Not too surprising, but that really all I have. It's the only word that really sums up m'feelings about everything right now. HONESTLY, I'm so flustered that not only can I not think of clever ways to depict how terrible I feel, but I can't even--sentences for this blog are just pooping and splattering about ignoring any (little) sense of grammar and syntax I have. FUCK THIS SEMESTER WASN"T GOOD TO ME...no, I wasn't good for this semester. *SIGH*


TODAY I WAS TOLD that all the pieces I've got to make up in m'art class is do a week earlier than what I was previously told. I HAVEN"T EVEN WORKED ON ANY OF THE 10 plus pieces I've got to do. I coulda done them, but I decided to read fanfic. FUCK

I had this paper due last wednesday, for my social inequality class ...and I decided I wasn't going to do it. I had slacked off so much, missed so much infomation in lecture days that I had missed, and went so behing in my reading that I have nothing to write about. I mean, I could bull-it but I'm not very good at that. It pains me that I freaking did this. I coulda read my texts but I chose to finish reading 'Pushing Up Daisies' by  Rosmary Harris. Fuck.


I also have m'guitar final that I have to do two weeks from now....I haven't even looked at the piece I should have been working on... for about 9 weeks. I decided to make new songs for my wizard rock band. FUCKfuckFUCK

TODAY MOTHER decided to pick me up from school 30 minutes late and drunk. I ignored her but she--it's too silly of a stroy that I don't even want to type it. Stupid story short, she made me real mad..er and I end up getting out of the car in search for my bestfriends class. I waited for her to get out for about and hour and half. FUCK

She took me home, me venting my fustrations with myself and I was so excited to see that the car was not in the driveway. I get throught the main entry and here the loud music. YES, my mother is the angsty rebellious teenager; she plays loud music to get my family mad. It hard to ignore her when she singing so blatanly devious. I pretty much have stay locked up in m'room all night for I may throw something at her forehead (my fist). FUCKen bitch.

Oh, and my best friend messaged Daveed on myspace for me (because I'm a nervous pansy who gets freaked out about trivial things like a message conversation over myspace w a potential love interest). He hasn't been on and I get nervous everyday thinking he'll be a deuche (even though I know he's not!!) at school when and if we happen to bump into eachother. FUCK I'm a sad ass mother fucker.

--nov

ps. This is not a cry out for help, It's a cry out for lurve (daveed's perferably--hehe).

Heat Smells and He

Monday's heat won. Yeah, yeah, but you don't have to be a sore winner Sir Sun. It was early morn when my sister yelled at me, telling me its going to be 90 plus. I didn't believe until I opend my front door (guitar and bag in tow) and heat waves breach something sensitive in my arms and legs and face, like a hot spoon would a mouth. I was already starting to get moist in the unders and I was only locking the door! It was the car I knew I had to worry about though. I knew for a fact that as soon as I enter that oven with wheels, I'd not only leave it later extremely sweaty, but with 2nd degree burns on my hand. 

Manuvering into the car was a HASSEL! A messnerger bag, guitar strap, and earphone strings that hung out of my pocket, all locked on to me and as if they'd been conspiring a rebelliong agaisnt being baked, they stuck there looped and knotted with eachother.  It was a bitch (didn't want to drop me guitaro). I eventually got everything off; leaned my guitar on the side, threw m'bad and earphones in the passenger seat and set out to roll down EVERY WINDOW IN THE CAR. Okay, four windows isn't much but, darn it, sometimes I do wish I had wonna them cars wtih awl them fancy switches an whatna!

After I got into the car, I zoomed in a hurry. I mean, I wanted to get to school early enough to see the guys(I did not just admit that I wanted to go to school JUST to see a bunch of guys, W.T.H.). OKAY, just one in particular but yeah. Failed though, I was late to class so of course I couldn't walk by to see anyone! arg. Truth be told, I really didn't care if i was late. That class always bores me. So repetitive and whatna.

However, I did care about one thing though. I was looking good today, but I didn't get to thoroughly flaunt it. Yes, I admit. I dressed up a little in the chances that I'd see THE him. Never happened though, seeing him. Got a HUGE compliment from this other guy that is real cute/nice. Completely went over m'head though cause all I could think of is "I wish daveed would say somepim like that.' and 'where the hell was the guys...420ing no less. Shit i'm missing that?! There is no way I could smoke tonight. I bet daveed is smoking riiight now. That bastard...ahh, it makes sense...the maryjane song obsession on his page...how the hell does she know him?! small college..."

Thats right, a friend of mine knows Daveed (The him; after all, it's his nickname I mentally gave him. Don't know why I haven't used it in other entries! XD). OR, at least they myspace know eachother. Well, that's not true. M'friend only adds people who she know she will talk too. SIGH! The sad truth is, It will be hard not to myspace stalk him. He's there in m'face so randomly in the real, would it be wierd to add him on myspace, the place for friends? But we aren't friends. His friend our mine, Mine our his...our friends are eachothers friend...there is no we, me and Daveed, are eachothers' friend.   pa-oop. Enough of this rumpus! Enough of wanting him for his body. His mind. His jokes. His BLOODY SMIRK THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE IT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS. So nervous 'cause I'm prone to either A) pounce him and freak him out, B)pounce him and runaway and avoid him and mutal our friends FOR-EV-VER, or C) give him a smile and not talk to him/ignore him for the rest of our remaning time together. I don't like them odds. hmm.

I do have another someone though. I'm not into him, really. He just kinda...smells...WONDERFUL (orgasmic would be on the spot). No seriously, this guy smell great. It doesn't help that he had chose a seat infront of me in the beginning of the semester(apparently he and I are alike in that both are territorial). ANYHOO, tommorrow I have to endure another 1 and half hours smelling his natural smell of...(gawd I can never figure it out! no common adjectives. Howevs, I do know this, It isn't colonge. If you had a wif, you'd be able to tell to. It isn't strong. It's faint but distiguished.) while trying not to attack his neck (he leaves so perfectly exposed and tilted sideways) with violent kisses and bite marks.  I had this terrible fear that I was being wierdo. I mean, this never happend to me. I never smelt a guy and was like "FOR SPARTA!"--that doesn't happen. It happens in movies. Usually in the case of a stalker. "You smell wonderful today... *malicious grin* mmm. Yeah, can i have a lock of you hair?!" Howevs, those thoughts were soon poped out when remembered it was just biology. Eh, but it still sucks having to go through that. Talk about ambivalence. Hate it cause its horribly distracting and Love it because well, god pleasure to the nose any day;guy scents are sooo yum. *stares dreamily*

Off to eveningdream. Off to sweat my ass off in m'wee room. Off to prepare m'self for The Smell. ;]

(keep your mind out of the gutter)

--nov

Even When Im Not Awake

 


I only remember parts, and those parts I know I didn't even really enjoy. You would think the humerous ones I would, but I didn't. It may have something to do with the fact that the serious parts were extremely emphazied, dominating any joy that can be had.Those serious parts were like a daytime drama. And they were silent. Not in black and white like one of those old movies, but they had the sense; everything was blurred and hazy. Mental images of my school (college) became 3D and backs of houses outlined S building while my old highschool teachers sat around and ate lunch in the quad of S building  (I think  they ate Snapped Pea Crisps. Why I would remember that I have no idea, it may have some signifigance...somewhere...somehow) . Something was going on. What was normally the student body governments' office, was now a dimly lit classroom to fill 30 plus. It was obviously an english classroom of some sorts for all of the literature reviews on the walls and dictionaries that were stacked on tables. Of course it was m'old english teachers classroom I thought logically, but--and I don't know what puzzeld me more, the fact that she magically maneuvered her highschool english class to my colleges' student body government office, or the fact thar she, and many of my other hischool teachers were casually laughing and talking to people in my family in the quad of S building so so late at night. 

I remember that when I locked up, and left I spoke to TFlo. She told me a party was going on just before she left me and her laptop, keys, coffee, and purse to watch a movie in the next room (apparently a living room). Though I heard my name being called over a zillion times, I never talked to anyone but her. I had no idea who any of the faces were.. I just remember feeling bummed that I didn't know about it before hand. I walked toward SBG office/Tflos' classroom and it was lit brightly; tflo was watch a movie in my living room, who else would be here? It was m'friend B, and he gave me a pat on the side asking me how I was enjoying the party. He was using Tflos' computer--wth? But I didn't even ask. And, I mean he looked real bored, but I think Im the one who made his frown even more distiguished (I think I confessed the party as big black abyss that which I felt was sucking me into a world unknown, only to be lost forever). He said nothing more to me. Even when I told him that I needed him out and to lock the door so all of TFlos things won't be stolen. Ignored, I left somewhere.
 
I don't really remember how I got there, but suddenly I walked out of my bestfriends garage and leaned agaisnt one of the annomouys party goes cars. It was He-who-shall-not-be-named who had made his way within m'dream. He was the root cause of my utter emo-ness, dream me wasn't certain of it  'cause I could'nt see him, but he was around. Surley enough as started to shift to the greasy floor I look up and there he is running towards me like a crackhead, hands to his mouth breathing into them for warmth as if he's a hobo but slows when he gets a sight of me. For a second he is pulling his beenie over his ears, and for another he catches me staring. We have a an awkward glance, really expressionless one for only a second or three cause I looked down before anything was to happen.  While I gave a sigh, I noticed out of the very left of my field of vision, he stood. He was halfway in the garage door, just lookin (i didn't move my head, only m'eyes to see). And for that breif moment, I was positive that he was going to sit next to me, or say hi and talk to me, or attack me, and his arms were going to be strangling mine, with our lips crushed and jackets strings braided....but he ran into the house. From what I can see (for some reason there was a window that was no ordinary window, this was a freaking garage door itself) he lifted a huge blanket on the couch by the fire, and continued to have a staring contest with what  I can only assume to be a very interesting table cloth.

As I sat there in the stupid cold, at this stupid party, with my stupid eyelids close, seeing stupid him instead of the back of them, I wondered how the hell he can possibly have this kind of effect on me?I wonder how the hell did I get a jacket? Was I even wearing clothes? Oh gawd, what if I was naked? THATS WHY HE WAS STARTING! I looked down and felt the cloth; it was real thick and there was loads of it. ok, so I wasn't naked. I opened my eyes only to see him staring at me from under his blanket, through the window. And this time when Iblinked my eyes, his were gone (along with the party, my school, all the unrecognizable faces of people I knew, and the random house with my best freinds garage and widow/door thing). In there stead, I saw my beigeish grey ceiling. There I wonder how the hell can I be such a nervous, wishful fool even when i'm not conscious to be conscience.


--nov

Socially Diabled in TV Land

It started with a chair-no this is not--I am not Juno. I'm not 16, nor am I pregnant. I don't wonder why people are always changing, and  whether or not others stay together with thier spouses does not, serve as a gauge or example for my relationships (for i think the lenght of a relationship depends on two individuals' personal experience with eachother). Howevs, I may be stuck in some of the social mentality of that 2007 teen persona.

 I seen him today, with his friend. That friend--I really can't remeber his name, and i feel like a bitch about that--that I met a ages ago, and am barley getting to know, looked up as well when I started walking towards them.  I didn't even look at him though for (the) him was staring at me, with smirk curved on his mouth.  I'm absolutely positive that it was my uncontrollable smiling that caused it...that and the awkward 'Heys' we exchanged. He asked me how I was, and how the class that we had shared (he dropped) is going. All I said was "uhh...It's going." I didn't have time to think, I was so perplex, so bewildered as to why he is still alive! I mean,  my school isn't that large, and we share friends. Where the hell was he for a month? I never planned on stalking him or anything, but when a guy i didn't know introduced himself, started talking to me about his lovelife, and then introduced me to his friends--which I knew were (the) his friends due to me seeing (the) him talk to them on numerous occasions--I knew this was the perfect idea to run with; I would just hang with these guys, who were totally lovin' me (for some reason) and sooner or later (the) he would come around and hang too. HE NEVER CAME!  Until today...where had I sat with a m'grin on, and faked--I always fake sick when i'm around him. DONT ASK ME WHY, cause I have no idea. Well, yeah I do. It all started when I started when I became aware of m'feelings for the guy. Because, I found myself unable to speak, be myself (see below), and play the guitar in front of him--sick, I always had said something along the lines of  "Oh, I got a headache" to remain quiet or "Im hella tired...didn't get any sleep at all last night" so i can put my head down in shame. Todays' was "I've got boogers." I'm such a lady, I know.

Anyway, after he asked me how I was doing I knew our conversation was dead. I desperately wanted to say something but, I just sniffled and wiped m'nose with m'sleeve. Thats when our shared friend, for the sake of the story I'll call him R, asked me how I  was doin (yes again, maybe he mentally block out m'en [the] his exchange). Thats when a good friend of mine came. THANK GOD. The conversation was immediately dead cause I didn't ask him how he was. Thats right I ignored both of them, denied them thier stories (cause I know both are better than "Oh, I'm fine.") to turn to my friend. We started to chat while the boys were chattin behind me. when she got a call i turned around and interuppted them in mid conversation regarding something about smoking. R asked (the) him if he was still going to quit smoking, and (the) he said "yeah...but no." I laughed so hard, and he just smirked. GOD I LOVE IT. I sighed inwardly and triumphantly when the following mini conversation ended:

I said, what are we "not smokin now?" (The) he said (with the damn smirk), "what do you think, what were you thinkin??" I said, "I don't know (in a sarcastic voice, cause we both knew), but yoou wouldn't of do that at schooool?!" He replied laughing, "who hasn't?!" It ended when I said "truue,"cause thats when he announced that he had to go and read something. Then, R said "screw reading and hang with us." (The) he looked at me, and I was trying my hardest just to keep smiling and not seem too hurt by his declaration. He left, and I watched him get smaller, and curve 'round L building,  towards C, while m'good friend and R went on discussing whatever it was they were discussin'.

I had failed again. All those times when (the) he was in m'class we barely exchanged words (cause of m'chronic sicknesses). And, I did it again. I ignored (the) him for a conversation with R who I could of talk to any ol' day! When I called m'best to vent, she said "God, he must think you HATE him." Then she laughed. I mean, I laughed but, that sucked. And it bummed me out. I had to it on a bridge for a while and think(ducks are cool).

What seems to be the general concensus as to what my problem is, is the fact that I don't act myself. Not everyone sees the same Nove, but thats the way I like it. To my friends, and to others it may seem that I have no idea who I am, but that's the thing, no one can answer that, really. Noone can anser that any differently than how I would; we would list adjectives, our social roles or status, the social groups we belong to. Because in those categories and groups and roles and the lot, thier is differentiating characteristic yeah? Therefore, different decorum. Thats what I do, I act as I see fit. It kinda like that ol' logic, 'you wouldn't explain something (generic) to a 4 year old the same way you would to a 15 year old would you?' Nope so, the fact that I act differently in front different people is definately not my problem.  My problem iss, how socially diabled I am. I've got it my head that there is a set way of doing things, specifically in relationships, and those ways are unspoken, passed down and learned, unwritten laws.  I haven't gotten the mental memo so I go based on what I observe. T.V. dramas, romance movies, the internet, friends in relationships, and the lot, is what I've based my research on. Having never been in a relationship before, theory is all i've got. Theory is how I talk to him. In theory is how I act around him. In theory he falls for the plots, and plans, and games, and he falls for me. 

I'm thinking I don't have reliable sources, 'cause my these theories are derived from the mentality of the fictional teen.  

--nov