Behind These Hazel Eyes....

I am tired of not having a job. I am stressed because I don't have a job. I am depressed because I don't have a job. I am not happy because I don't have a job. I have not been happy (hate to say this) since I was working at Buscemis over a year ago. I hate not having a job. I feel not good about myself. I want a job so that I can pay my bills. But not just that I want to be able to go out and do things with my friends. I hate not being able to go out to dinner or to a movie when someone asks me too simply because I don't have any money. I mean I am not asking for the best of jobs right now, but one that will get me by to pay my bills and still have a little extra money to go out and have fun. Honestly, I just want to be happy again and feel good about myself. I hate sitting at home day after day searching for a job and not getting anywhere. This past week I went out and put tons of applications out, even at places that I don't really want to work but hey its money. I also applied for a few at St. John's hospital and a few receptionist jobs. I hope I get one of the jobs from St. Johns. I think it would really help to further my career. When I was applying for jobs I went as far as saying that I don't have my degree hoping that maybe that will help me to get one. That is really how desparate that I am. So please keep your fingers crossed that I get something soon. I am tired of a year of being unhappy with myself. I want to be able to feel good about myself again. Please say a little prayer for me tonight before you go to bed. I am trying so hard and am determined to get something hopefully before the holiday season.

So, I have just been sitting and thinking about things recently. I really want a job. Like more than any one could imagine. I have been applying for jobs like crazy these past few days. Something, anything to help me to make money. I want to be able to get a house, and to buy nice things. Right now, I just don’t know what to do. Lately I feel like I can’t do anything right or that maybe I am not trying hard enough. Lately it just seems like my life is in pieces. I am still waiting to hear back from the doctor about my echocardiogram. I am so scared that I am going to have to have heart surgery or something. I am so worried that my entire life is going to change. I hate playing the waiting game, it sucks horribly. Who ever would have thought that an almost 23 year old had a heart attack this early in life. The doctors aren’t exactly sure when it happened all they know is that it happened and now they have to assess the damages and see where we go fro here. I guess I hate having to have Chris worry about me, and whether I am going to have another heart attack or what not. I guess it scares me, that he wants to start taking over the bills and stuff just to be safe. I just don’t know what I am feeling right now. I love him to death.