ins and outs, ups and downs

Again, an inexplicable feeling. I felt sort of like everyone was coming at me from all sides today; not that I mind it, but I was having a hard time keeping up. And I just wanted to be able to focus, but couldn't. There's so much I should be doing, but I'm not doing it. Stuff for work, the divorce, my own personal well-being. And my place is once again a shambles. How does that happen so quickly? I need to call maintenance to fix the big gaping hole in my bathroom ceiling where the plaster that was hanging finally lost the battle with gravity.

And I just don't care. All I can feel is sadness, and hope, alternating back and forth with a bit of fear. I feel somewhat overwhelmed and out of control. And even though things I said were justified, they still bother me.

There's a certain state I miss that I haven't had in a while. Just feeling comfortable and secure. There needs to be a balance. I don't want to be metaphorically strapped to a flat surface, just doing the same thing day in and day out. But I also don't want to be dangling over the edge of a cliff.

My boundaries are gone and I feel like I'm slipping away, in both good and bad ways. I need to get myself on track.