My Dream Catcher

i had this dream two nights ago. it struck me as a bit odd so i wrote it down. i will try to tell it as best a possible.

It started off when i met up with my mom at my school. She had just finished watching a recital of my old dance studio in my schools auditorium. (the recitals were never at my school and they had no conections with my school either) Like usual before we left to go home my mom wanted to socialize. Well, i was walking around and some random lady wanted to talk to me for no apparent reason i can think of. it was a little weird but eventually she left and i finally had time to talk to my friends. i always talk to them but for some reason i didn't. instead i just walked around the area aimlessly. the next thing i knew i was standing near my band teach and vice priciple with matches in my hand. (they didn't notice i was there) well, all of the sudden a car drove through the parking lot and crashed, at a high speed, into the side of the school. everyone turned to pay attention to the car including me. it looked like to me that it was on purpose. then i heard someone tell me to light it one fire. as soon as i heard that i stoped looking at the crash, went up to a tree next to the school, lit a match, and threw it at the tree. almost instantly the tree was engulfed in a vigorous flame. i didn't know why i just did that but i was totally scared. i was thinking, "i didn't want to do that and i don't even know what made me do it" then i remembered that someone told me to do it. i looked around but no one was standing with me. thats when i got scared because i knew i was in alot of trouble. (very scary for me because i haven't even ever had a detention before and now i would be dealing with police) i didn't have time to think about it though because before i knew it, my band teacher was in my face yelling at me and asking me why i did that. he said that it was probably all planed to. me and the car crach guy were in it together. i didn't know what to do. i broke down on my knees crying and i started to pray out load that i needed help to let everyone know that i wasn't guilty. (it looked bad, yes, but i really beleived that i wasn't responsible) a couple minutes later, a narrator type voice said that my band teacher finally threw away the idea that he was gonna give me up to the police.
the next thing i remember after that was the fire was out and everyone was leaving the school. none of my friends even said goodbye or asked me what that was all about. they just left. soon after, my mom picked me up. (wasn't she there with me before?) she took me home but it wasn't a house i have even been in before. it didn't strike me as odd though for some reason. she told me things were gonna get really ugly now. i sat down to think about my day and thats when i remembered about the voice that told me to light it on fire and that no one was beside me. then a strange thought came to me. what if there was no one by me at all. what if the voice was inside my head and it was controlling me.

unfortunatly thats when i woke up. the dream left me with a feeling of depression. i don't know why but if anyone knows why i could have woke up feeling depressed or if you know what the dream could have ment, please comment and let me know

"I believe in dreams. I believe that every night on the planet everything that is, was, and can be is dreamt. I believe that what happens in dreams is no different and no less important than what happens in the waking world. I believe that dreams are the closest equivalent present-day man has to time travel. I believe you can visit your past, present, and future in dreams. I believe I've dreamt half of my life that hasn't happened yet." ~ Marilyn Manson

I was somewhere [possibly Andy's house] with his family and I was feeling isolated and slightly envious and resentful like I do around his family sometimes... And his older brother, Nic [the one with the bitchy wife that's younger than I am] always jokes around with me but I get the sense he's looking down on me and my appearance that clearly must indicate on my alternative lifestyle [not sexually but ... not a sorority girl that drinks and fucks and is not depressed by such life tribulations...] And his younger brother Brandon and his girlfriend Jennifer, who I am incredibly insecure around because she's flawless minus her intelligence level... [He just got her a pink diamond for some sort of promise ring ...possibly engagement?]. His niece, Gabby was playing around and made me take her to "the potty" and because I never try to make waves in this family but I find children filled with germs, etc. and it repulses me I try to say no but everyone is staring at me... I bring her back and Andy is talking about his job and clearly [well to me] faking his happiness as he usually does to his family members. I remember staring at Jennifer's ring and thinking I don't want to be a bridesmaid and it's not FAIR that she's so young and KNOWS that she wants to be with someone for the rest of her life... IT'S NOT FAIR that everything is so easy. And fits into place so well and I get irritated that I am going to have to wear some ridiculous dress, plaster a smile on my face, pretend I don't have blue hair and haven't experienced more of the underbelly of society's bullshit than they could even wrap their mind around... She shows me some dress that I don't want to see but I am enticed by the shimmeryness of the fabric and think it's beautiful and wish -I- was beautiful enough to feel I deserved such happiness whether in material things and or life...

So I end up looking around for Andy to save me from this materialistic bullshit and he's so wrapped up in trying to please others, I just excuse myself and go wait outside hoping he'll notice I'm gone. Negative. Eventually, I leave. I think I just drive. But then I have a little flashback [which isn't so uncommon in my dreams] to earlier in the night where I am trying to pick out something to wear and realize I shouldn't care what I wear since I usually don't.. But I feel it's necessary to make an impression... And I come out of a room, and I think I made a decent attempt to look relatively sane. Jennifer, who is just 18, seems to be looking down on me saying, So, saw you with some dark headed kid-who was that? in front of Andy. The situation becomes awkward and fades out and then I'm back to being in my car. It's raining and I get out and I start running. Running so hard my heart hurts and I can feel my poisonous black blood filled with hatred and bad things coursing through my veins. I move my hands slightly and I want out so bad. Out of there. Out of here. Out of my body. I want someone to save me from myself. I become weightless and I'm flying away.

I perch on some street sign and then I see Jack and Dave coming and I quickly look for someplace to hide. I feel like I know Jack knows how I'm feeling and wants to help but I don't know how to tell him I need help because I can't verbalize it. I don't want to deal with Dave and feel I'll end up dealing with some problem he has. I fly away to a house's roof across the street. They keep following me and I have the understanding neither of them has ever flown before. Their movements aren't fluid, almost grotesque, and Jack is having a hard time-more so than Dave. I'm angry that Dave has things so easy and I wait up. Dave, begins with his ridiculous jovial bullshit, "What's up man?" I take one look at him and fly away again. This chasing continues from rooftop to rooftop while raining, in the dark of night and seemingly cold... Jack and Dave are even now. And I'm worrying that Andy will think I'm dead from driving away pissy... but not caring enough to go back. We land on support beams across from each other in a house being remodeled and I hide in the shadows. I feel bad that Dave has probably taken Jack away from something fun, like Paddy and weed and wonder if I should just stop flying away to pretend everything is ok so Jack can just go home and not be out in the rain. Dave spots me and is clearly annoyed that I'm not giving him his chance to stare at me blankly. I realize that he must have missed his curfew and some pill and hope that's not going to affect anything... I feel guilty but not enough to stop flying away. I need out so badly.

Apparently this flying behavior is illegal and wrong because I sense that the media and cops are looking for us. Somehow Jack falls... Whether it's from the emotional strain of trying to keep up with Dave's bullshit or him just becoming tired, but somehow Jack falls out of the sky... he’s not hurt but in seconds, there are people surrounding you... I get a text message from Jack saying that you now have to do County time not DH time. I feel wretched and have building resentment towards Dave for involving Jack when it's not really your place to look after him.. I want to shove -him- out of my sky. My sky. My sacred place. He wasn't invited.

He's too dangerous... and in his wake there's only black and red chaos...

I want him to leave me alone to be sad in the rain because clearly no one can tell if you're crying in the rain.. He's no comfort. His hugs are cold and I'm sure Andy is concerned now just because a missing blue-haired girl FLYING and disrupting peace and landing on people's roofs outside their windows is ...vile somehow. I know I should go back to Andy's. It's warm there, no matter what I've been through I know he'd take care of me but I feel one with nature and the rain and the rhythmicness of it. The wet street and shadows reflect my intermost turmoil and fear-that I'm always going to be alone with or without people. I hide behind some house's triangular window frame in the shadows and Dave pops up, scaring the fuck out of me. I know behind his smile there is nothing, no concern that his mom is going to be screaming at me and I can sense her disappointment in me and my choices on this night of rain...

Finally, I can't seem to fly anymore. I frantically move my arms and limbs and I'm not weightless anymore. My limbs aren't working in the fluid motion they were earlier. I have to run again. Dave chases me through some baseball locker room. And I'm feeling odd running through men that are half dressed and making them feel insecure. Dave, being Dave, doesn't apologize for causing such chaos but I stop and try to apologize, make excuses.

I burst out of the heavy door and the noise of me hitting the latch echos and shakes me to the core... I come out and there is light blinding me... It's your headlights...Jack is in some green SUV; like an Explorer. Seems like he was waiting. I come up and put my elbows on the windowsill and I just look at him and apologize. I just say, "I'm so sorry." And Jack doesn't really have anything to say because indirectly I just really hurt him and fucked up hia life and well, what's the point of putting blame on Dave when he doesn't realize how much pain he causes people. He's so unaware. Jack just say bye and I feel there are things left unsaid. I'm soaked and I want to hug him [maybe kiss him-let him know I really care about him and what happens to him] but I'm very self conscious that I'm wet and he’s dry and don't want to get him wet but I also am on limited time because in seconds Dave is going to be out of this locker room, chasing me again. Jack turns up his music, and the "Joker" song is on and I watch him drive away... I feel empty and don't know what to do.. I feel l should call Brittany but I've lost my cell with all the flying. I feel sad because then I realize I can't text him anymore... and I want to wake up..

I want to go home and cry to Andy but I've disappointed him... -his- significant other [me] whether or not I feel significant isn't sane or stable enough to handle a get-together-for a celebration of happiness for Jennifer and Brandon and I've left him alone there.. He is going to have to explain to people that I'm "going through some things..." His eyes are sad and I know I've put him in a position where he feels alone...

I can fly again. I can't tell if I'm crying or laughing or it's raining again. I see Dave and I sneak back through the locker room... I find the entrance, from backtracking and I'm out in the mall. I see Marilyn Manson. And Twiggy. They are standing there in the middle of the mall. Looking... out of place. They have silver tigers -not unlike Sigfried and Roy [pre-mauling].. I explain to Manson I need coke. He understands me and the urgency; he's got red contact in and Twiggy's mouth is in a permanent sad frown from the way he's put on his silver lipstick.. [Just realized that's how they were dressed in Dave's poster in his room, before he ripped it to shreds in an unrealistic rage]... Before I can get coke... I'm practicing sniffing... I can picture my pupils contracting and they aren't my pupils, it's straight out of Spun. I have to hold one of the tigers while he reaches in his breastpocket and it licks me. The innocence of it all breaks me and I'm insecure of crying in front of such a man... I fly away... but I have silver wings now. Small ones... I sense Dave wants to clip them. He's not so good at flying and he'd rather run [hahah not so likey in real life, eh?]

I find some Toy Store and some kids think I'm cool, like freshman in hs. I'm embarrassed because it feels nice to be admired but clearly I'm on tv for being illegal and if they knew the situation I was in and the disappointment I've caused well... maybe their perception is askew. I end up walking up to mall police. Putting my hands out for them to cuff me and say, "Here I am." I feel if I turn myself in, martyr myself, Dave will be caught. Everyone will know his secret. The lies will be known. The kids are staring at me, not thinking I'm so cool now... I wonder if I'd made yet another mistake. I know if I can explain it to Andy, he'll understand but still be sad and disappointed. He still has to deal with people asking why he was involved with me to begin with. With my hands out, my wrists and scars show. My scars still hurt like a bitch and I see silver metallic blood splatters on the ground...

I admire them thinking, this is the last thing I'm going to see as a free ... thing-not human but thing. I try to commit it to long-term memory but I fear I'll forget it. I'm staring and not hearing what the cops are saying to me. They think I'm on something and ironically, I'm not. This is me. Raw and sober. Uncensored. But restricted. I have these wings hidden in my back, they're receding but it's necessary. Dave comes bursting out of somewhere and they jump on him. He's crying and hysterical. I feel so bad but numb. Total and complete ambivalence. The story of my life. Extremes. Love and hate and feel 100% both. He deserves it. Do I deserve it? I can't tell but it's necessary. The wings receding hurt but I'm grateful for the pain in my shoulder blades to focus on. I can picture the media saying, "Ha. We got them. See.. bad things happen to bad people. Justice is served." But I know it's fake. It's all false. A paradox. An oxymoron. I can't wait to tell my story from a cell, at least it's someplace warm. I wonder if I'll ever see the rain again. I can't wait for people to know the truth...

last night i had a dream where alex was over at my house and we were making pocket-sized gravity bongs out of two-liters that doubled as rockets. blah blah blah i smoked last night so i don't remember the middle part... but i found a picture of my backyard, and in the picture there were lots of mushrooms. so i was like, "oh hell yeah!" and ran outside to look at the mushrooms. some of them looked like psilocybes so i picked one up and bent the stem. it turned blue. i was like "YAY! SHROOMS!" and i showed alex that i was excited by throwing a mushroom down on my driveway and watching it turn blue.

that's all i really remember, but i found shrooms in my dream, hopefully this is a good sign.

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