It Doesn't Mean That Much To Me To Mean That Much To You

Oh my goodness, Christi is actually UPDATING.

I'm in love. I never thought I would feel this way again. I feel alive again and it's amazing. We're moving into a place together. I don't know when, after the holidays though. And God he's just everything I've ever wanted and never had. My parents like him. I adore him. He's perfect. I still get butterflies when I look at him. He still gets goosebumps when I touch him. His mom loves me. Everything is just good again, and I never thought it could be.

So, it happened again. I got close to him again. And I'm left feeling empty again. I'm not going to make the same mistake this time, though. I'm just going to let go. No holding on, no hoping, none of that. Move the fuck on Christi. You can sit here and let tears well up in your eyes, just like before. Or you can go to work tomorrow, and talk to the boy who comes in every day and smiles at you. You're pretty, Christi. You're smart. You have so much love to give to someone. You could make someone happy. You could be the center of someone's world. And you could be happy too. You could let someone make you feel whole, and not empty. You could get married, and have babies, and share your life with someone you really love. You just have to learn to let go of pipe dreams, and stop being so afraid of that boy who smiles at you. Stop believing that if you smile back, he'll only break your heart. You got used to the idea of Eric, and you got comfortable that way. You have to let that go, because by the time things are different and you could be together, it won't matter anymore. Go to work tomorrow. Smile back. Let someone in. You don't have to let them in tomorrow, or the next day. But let it happen as it happens.

This was my "Suck it up, soldier" speech, to myself. Thank you.

Write 20 random facts about yourself then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts. If your tagged it's your turn.

1. I am afraid of the dark, dolls, horses, not knowing what's around me, heights, spiders, and tight spaces.

2. I hate to be single so much that in the past, I have dated people that I really couldn't stand, just because they were there.

3. I collect any kind of dice. I love dice.

4. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18, and I lost it in an unheated van in the middle of January.

5. I bite my tongue, play with my hair, and mess with my clothing when I'm nervous.

6. I get my feelings hurt very easily.

7. I had back surgery when I was 14, resulting in me being in a body cast for 6 months, and a lovely scar to go with it.

8. I hate to cry in front of people. I hold it in until I can be by myself.

9. My ears are gauged to 00.

10. I'm allergic to mosquito bites.

11. I am incredibly soft hearted, and have the hardest time saying no.

12. I scored in the 98th percentile on my ACTs. I have a genius IQ. Which doesn't mean a whole lot to me.

13. I am obsessed with serial killers.

14. I have a fear of abandonment.

15. I still have a sippy cup that I use and absolutely love.

16. I overanalyze. Everything.

17. I have far too many exes that I hate deep down for hurting me.

18. I want to fall in love.

19. I love tattoos and piercings. I find them incredibly attractive.

20. I blush way too easily.

I tag: shadowfox2100, suffocates, bigboy4u185, tornado_tongue, cobalt_blue78, holy_magnum, modvayne, perfectreason, krazyjay, fattty

I still feel the same way that I did the day he broke my heart and left.

Why can't I get him out of my mind, and out of my heart?

Maybe because I don't want to. All I know is that I want him back.

Oh well, whatever. I'm not that upset anyway.

Scott should call me. I would like to talk, and I know he'll listen. But for now, let's try typing it.

I'm just kind of pissy about this whole situation. I don't like when things don't go the way I want. And I don't feel like starting over again. I don't want to. But it looks like I'm gonna have to. The thing is...it's rare for people to see eye to eye, and want the same thing. And you can't force someone to feel one way or another. It's just so frustrating to put effort into something and then have to just walk away from it and abandon it.

At least I know Damien and Elizabeth are gonna be there for me. I'm still on the verge of tears though. Not sad tears, frustrated tears.

Yeah, so I'm in the worst mood right now. I'm just annoyed and slightly fed up. I'm just...done. I don't want to deal with any more of anything. I'm seriously done. And I'm having the urge to respond to everyone with "What the fuck ever." So maybe I should get off AIM.

I'm so done. I give the fuck up.

This came from MySpace.

Date: Aug 20, 2005 10:30 AM
spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject: RE: RE: hey

Body: Damn you is fine baby You be a dime piece if I ever saw one I'm single and Lookin but yea what what about you what u like to do and what type of boys you like and what is u in to and is you single ma

--------------------

Thank you, Captain Grammar.

Christi gets jealous too much.

Seriously. I (over)analyze absolutely everything. And I let things get to me when they shouldn't.

In other news...

I have a voicemail on my phone, I should probably see who it's from.

Seriously. W T F.

http://www.urinelle.biz/html/en/Ab…

And this person needs to get laid, badly.

http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shopp…