Where Voices Speak Out

"no" is one of those words that used to be in my vocabulary a lot more than it is now.

not to say that i don't use it, ever. usually when i do, though, it's directed at my cat who has gotten herself into some sort of trouble, or telling an undergraduate when he or she is wrong about something (like, "no, it's this way"). but i used to use it more. i wouldn't dare, generally, in the company i keep now -- or i just never have the opportunity to.

when i disagree with something i shake my head, or say "i disagree," even, more often than before. i think i grew out of using "no" the same way i grew out of using "stop" -- the bdsm relationship erases those words from my head, because i know they're not going to get a response.

which has, really, been a problem.

it was extremely hard for me to get used to using a safeword; still, sometimes, i completely forget. or have to try very hard. it's intuitive to say no or stop when i don't like something. it is not as intuitive to respond to it when you're the person i'm having sex with. or even spending time with, since often i have to use the safeword in daily life, too. because he loses his temper and it can be the only way to get to an offswitch in his head. and now i feel guilty for talking about him, no matter that he's constantly urging me to. my point was meant to be centered on me, and how i honestly wish when "no" had a meaning.

because that's the first thing i want to say, and have to stop and remind myself that it isn't the right word. and that leads to me forgetting i can use such a word in daily conversation. it's definitely something i need to be able to say more. i always found it kind of funny when i'd forget words existed, and i doubt the fact i use multiple languages has anything to do with it.

i doubt Emsethix, for example, has ever actually heard me use the word, and Connor probably hasn't in ages (except when directed at cat or horse, or maybe in trying to teach him how to deal with the horse), although i guess i do use "stop" a lot during something sexual more than i should especially as most of the time i get over whatever it is before really needing him to stop, and even then there's never a "no" to it, just "Connor, stop," and i'm usually laughing or whinging or both (somehow) --

i guess if i had to only pick one of the two it would be "stop" i'd use more! i mean, i still use "stop" in my general vocabulary, directed at more than just Connor or cats. or horses. siblings, too.

then again, Connor tried to name the dog No.

(the dog's name is Safeword.)

Muse: Sionell Keltakire, original character
Word count: 503