•°These scars remind me that the past is real

silentenigma_x
i had some motivation left over...

 

(enjoy my new journal... ive added most of you!) heh!

bye bye to this depressive lump of shit... woo woo!

I really feel like I'm just existing. Not doing anything. Sometimes the days just seem to blur together and I know its all just wasted time. Time I could have been using to do something useful with myself. But how do you do that anyway? When you've never really had any kind of confidence in yourself? When you've never felt good enough. You've always felt inferior. Ive never really had any kind of confidence in my abilities.

I'm just tired of living like this. Not planning for the future. Just living day to day and not accomplishing anything. I just feel like I've lost control of my life. And I resent people trying to take what little I have. Like forcing me to do things I dont want to do. And constantly questioning me on everything. What did you eat today? ect ect ect. I know they care about me and want me to get better. And I do really want to get better. There are many places I would like to go; many things I would like to see. It just seems like this pain has taken my future and everything I've dreamed about away. And I dont have hope for my future anymore. How can I accomplish all the things I want to if I find just getting out of bed difficult most days? or sometimes just leaving the house is too hard for me because I'm afraid I will break down in public?

Living like this has really become intolerable for me. The sleepless nights. Crying all the time. Always being down. Always just constantly thinking about everything and not being able to shut it off at night. And the ways I find to cope I know are not good and they hurt my body. But there the only thing I have at the moment. And they do make me feel better for a while at least; but thats better than nothing. And it makes the stuff in my head slightly more tolerable for a while but in the end it makes me feel worse.

I just really feel guilty for being this way though. Because there are people who have it worse than me. But I suppose if I could get better on my own I would have already. I dont think anyone would want to live this way. I certainly dont. But it seems I was one of the unlucky ones picked for this. Two poems by me.

To be Free

I just want to disappear
to cease to be
to not exist
To be free of the pain
To be free of despair
That seems like it will always be there
Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep
and not wake up
It seems like the only way
to finally achieve peace
From the constant torment
in my head
Telling me Id be better
off dead
Then I wouldnt be a stress or strain
Or cause those who love me pain
It would probably be a great relief
A simple way to end the sorrow and the grief.
To cease to be
To not exist
To just disappear

Bleeding Memories

She was bleeding
But only her body lay still
Its not easy
Nor is it hard to visualize the memories
Lets just leave things as they are
She whispers as she closes the holy book of lies
And deceit
She covers her eyes
Denying to herself what dreams and
Nightmares remain in her lost
And lonely heart.

The last couple of days have been utter hell. My insomnia has reached killer point, and I would rather die than suffer from it anymore. I haven't slept at all since Monday, and I keep going dizzy; not to mention the incredible aches in my stomach as well. Plus, to top it all off, I'm choking on a large mouthful of confusion.

Since I started going out with him, things have changed. We don't talk at all anymore; apart from one or two words by chance. He avoids any subjects to do with love, emotions or/and our relationship (if there is one). I just wish I could get a straight answer from him for once, and not have to be lingering in the shadows wishing for a miracle to happen, just so I could be noticed. -- If he is reading this, I just would like to let him know that I'm on my last threads; if he does not tell me what has happened to us by 11pm, Sunday 24th April, thats the end. It will be Asta La Vista, good riddance. No more 'Greetings and Salutations' Just down right mega-bitch moods. Every. Single. Day.

Going away from that subject now, I'd just like to tell everyone that tomorrow I make my way to the stupid, dirty, smelly hospital for tests and what not; just because my doctor is so thick, she can't tell what is up with me. I just think it's stress and/or possibly lack of sex. Heh. Most likely for me.

Well, I can't be assed to write fuck all else now. This is your lot. Bye.

-- Oh, and Hun. Don't forget. Sunday 24th April -- DeadLine --

Fuck. I want to put so much more into this journal, I just have no time at the moment. All these jobs and shit left, right, and centre... SJDFKDSJG.

Help me procrastinate! I haven't used AIM for 6 months, and now suddenly it's the sexiest thing ever. Distract me from my goals, baby! F4llingFromGrace

Dammit, I think I'll have to put a lock on my bedroom door. My parents have been storming into my bedroom lots lately (while I'm not home), and, without my permission, playing around with my stuff. This pisses me off, and has led to some very embarrassing confrontations.

For example, my mum takes my digital camera, and starts going through the stored pictures with her smelly religious friends. What do they see? A giant picture of Adrian's shlong! Jeepers creepers.

Even more embarrassing was when my dad decided to poke around my computer desktop. Alas, my hot desires were in full view:

DAMN YOU, PARENTS! Leave my perversions in peace! Jesus, must we live in a society where doors need to be locked all the time?! Where's the trust and respect for other people's belongings? Don't touch my porn, bitches.

Reader's opinion time! Lindzay's question: Does being slutty/polygamous/promiscuous mean you're a low quality person?

I've asked a few friends and they all said yes, much to my chagrin. My quick thoughts: No. I think as long as you're not cheating/being dishonest, and enjoy what you're doing, there is nothing wrong with having lots of non-loving sex. I honestly don't believe our biological make up is monogamous - humans, especially males, always have had natural promiscuous tendencies, and always will. It's just that our society tells us that monogamy is "right" - causing lots of confusion and anger whenever people don't follow the conventional path.
It should all depend on what the individual feels more comfortable with. As long as we're not being deceitful, and as long as we're just being ourselves, monogamy is not any more of a "right" choice than polygamy.

What do you think?

( Collapse )

Yeah I got fucked up last night. It was so fun. Dale threw a going away party for his best bud who is going off to New York for college. So Jamie went and got me a 6 pack of Stella and 3 bottles of vodka. I'm a light weight so after my 3rd Stella, I was buzzed. Everyone at the party was really nice so I let loose and talked to whoever I felt like. I can remember telling everyone that my boobs got bigger and my hands were always on my tits. I am obsessed with the fact that they grew. They are hot =) Anyways, I took a shot of vodka with Becky because I don't take shots alone. That wasn't my only shot though. I offered people money to take one with me but they didn't. Anyways, I had like 6 Stella's and 5 shots and I was gone. It's so hilarious. So everyone left and I jumped into the shower with Martin then went to bed. Few hours later I was in and out of bed running to the kitchen to make food. Then took a hot shower because I felt unclean and for some reason after i got out I got into the bath. I'm weird. Anyways, in the morning Dale gave me a glass of water and breakfast in bed. Which ruled. After that I dont remember getting out of bed until like 12 or so. Still feel like shit, but all worth it.

I have a butt-load of laundry to do tonight so I can have clean jeans and t-shirts. So I don't have to worry about it tomorrow. So I should just go start that now. Bleh.

there was one good part about today, and that was lunch. a few of us all splintered away from our old tables to make our new table, which consists of me, becky, dale, and jack. today, because of the events earlier, we were also joined by luke, james, and lizzi.
~ i haven't laughed so hard in so long. i even laughed so hard i slipped off my chair and onto jack's lap. it was great. :D

bad part about the day..
has anyone ever felt really terrible about a relationship, and you blame the other person so much.. and then you hear a song that explains perfectly and eloquently exactly why they are acting different with you and you can finally see their side? ..but it seems to hurt that much more because then you hurt for you and hurt for the pain you cause them too?
maybe it's just me.
"broken" and "all i want" by seether and faces of sarah make me upset.

- tomorrow is busy. i <3 busy days.

don't deny the sexiness :: ( Collapse )

What are the odds that I get fired tomorrow?

Wouldn't that not be respect for the individual?

I mean, we have this really fucking hairy guy working at the til. That's a lot more disturbing than a phone-girl with a tongue & lip piercing. (Photos coming soon!)

Life is weird.

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

i cut today. dont ask why. i dont even know why myself. there are so many possibilities why that its too complicated to begin with. maybe because im scared of loosing james. maybe because Garth keeps saying he loves me. maybe because two of my closest friends cut themselves due to boys. i dont know. all i know is that i regret everything. and that all i would like to do right now is curl up and die. nobody would miss me. nobody would care. they would throw a 'yay she's gone party' most probably. oh well. lifes a bitch. meh.