I need to study for tests. I need to write papers. You want us to go out and do this and that. You seem more interested in a game at all the wrong times. You make an asshole comment and I ignore everything after it. You comment about our issues and then I feel worse and don't know what to say and die a little more inside. Sad and scary things happen to me all the time and I feel like an insignificant pebble being kicked along. Every time I lay down in bed, I think "I have like, 6.5 hours; but I won't sleep 6.5 hours. But if I go to sleep right NOW I may sleep 6 hours...maybe".
I wish I could be the person you want me to be. I wish I could be happy and be like all couples. I wish I didn't act disinterested all the time... it's not that I'm disinterested, but that there's so many other things going on in my head.
I'm really not good at words. At talking words anyway. I don't know what to do sometimes, even as I'm being pushed along.
I passed my final with flying colors somehow, but two days later, I don't know how to do anything anymore apparently.
Sometimes I wonder how, of all the combinations of alleles and genes and stuff, I ended up me.
I miss my animals all the time. By the way... the one little girly cat died almost a year ago. I wasn't home for any of it. It still makes me sad. I wish I could put my hands in their fur all the time; I sometimes think that'd be the calmest thing in the world.
So I'm having some kind of issue, I think ovarian cysts again, but nothing's been confirmed yet. I have constant discomfort/pain in my left side and it's getting to the point that even clothes are feeling uncomfortable when they rest against my abdomen close to my pelvic bone. So the other night I was sleeping really unsoundly, as I've been doing lately, and I had quite a few dreams--aside from this one, though, the only one I really remember is something about my boyfriend's father moving the ceiling lighting in our bedroom over top of my computer area as a "christmas gift".
But anyway, in this dream, I was in some sort of winter lodge looking outside these glass doors/windows leading to a balcony or a thin pathway, which was immediately next to the base of a water fall and the river it flowed to. I was just reading Goethe's 2nd part to Faust, where I really liked this analogy:
"So be it! I will turn from the sun's rays. At that rock-riving torrent, with increasing Ecstasy at that waterfall I gaze; From cliff to cliff it pours down never-ceasing, It foams and streams a thousand thousandfold, Spray upon spray high in the air releasing. But form this tumult, marvellous to behold, The rainbow blooms, changing yet ever still; Now vanishing and now drawn clear and bold. How cool the moisture of its scattering spill! I watch a mirror here of man's whole story, And plain it speaks, ponder it as you will: Our life's a spectrum-sheen of borrowed glory."
However, in my dream--since it's winter time now, the waterfall was nearly entirely frozen in it's place (there was some water moving, I think, but not much). There was also snow and ice on the evergreen trees and on the balcony/path outside the window, and while it was really pretty, I remember being a bit sad that I wasn't sure if I could see any rainbows being formed from the little bits of moving water. And then, just outside of the windows, a wild boar walked by with mottled pink/grey skin and fur. It was going slow and calm, and it looked at me--and I wanted to go outside to pet it, but then I was afraid that it would be too wild, or that I would fall on all the ice outside. Now I've been pretty obsessed with the little marzipan pigs at this time of year for the past two years, because I think the connection of christmas pigs to Freyr is pretty funny. I think my boyfriend and I may have even been watching Lord of the Rings and seen boars in the movie, but I'm not positive if that was before or after my dream occurred anymore.
I don't think there was anything else involved in the dream, but I keep thinking about it. I know it's probably a coincidence and exactly why I shouldn't read into it, and blah blah blah, but I don't know. It should be a good sign anyway, right? But the mood of the dream was kind of still, quiet, and sad, so....
Sometimes I wake up in A LOT of pain from sleeping wrongly, and I have these half awake delusional ideas of "I wonder if this is what cancer patients feel like when they're first diagnosed..." Like, maybe I need to change my field. When I get back or hip pain in my sleep it's kind of scary...not to mention the dream I once had where I felt I was suffocating even after waking up, after I was told I had lung cancer (in the dream, that is).
IDK I haven't had any dreams that I remember in full lately, I just remember that I've been in pain in quite a few of them--and then the other major bit have been those stimulating kinds of dreams. Weird.
Beyond that I've been worrying a bit about others lately. Like some people were talking about how their sons competitively shoot, and how they know they don't lock everything up all the time, and they say it bothers them but they don't know why. I want to say why it's worrisome; that I've never met one of my family members because he killed himself with a gun.
And then I know how moody my family can be and how moody my boyfriend can be, and when things go badly I start to wonder about their mentality, too. And I don't know how to say it. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the bottom of the pit, and other times I feel like everyone else is but I don't know what to do about it.
And then I second guess myself altogether; am I crazy for worrying what others might do to themselves knowing how shitty things are at the moment? Does that say more about me than it does about them?
IDK. My arm still hurts sometimes but it's only about once a month again now, so IDK what to do about it. I think it might be hormone related a bit, but I've changed BC 4 times in the last 4 years at least and I don't want to change more; and I'm pretty sure a surgery for cystic breast tissue or something like that isn't going to be a cure all.
Eugh I slept like shit last night because I had a final this afternoon, and I was worried about it a little, I guess. It was harder than I thought but I hope I did ok.
Anyway, I woke up every hour or less after dreaming. And when I finally woke up for good, I felt my stomach thumping in pain and my arm that I've been having trouble with felt like it was burning. My stomach's better but my arm is still in pain; it feels like there's brush burn around my thumb/pointer on the inside and outside, and then above my elbow on the outside of the arm--and it's not just on the inside, like usual, this time it's really sensitive to touch, too.
IDK.
But the main dream I remember was kind of funny/weird. I was visiting home, and my mother and I were back in the apartment we lived in for the longest time. Although I don't remember all of it, the main point of it, I guess, was that I had made some kind of deal with the devil so that things would go good in my life. For example, my mother yelled at me because I had left some metallic gum wrapper out by the window and it had caught fire from the impact of the sun's rays, but of course the fire quickly extinguished itself without spreading or causing any damage at all because I had made this pact. The dream didn't show the making of this pact or anything, and it didn't show satan or the devil or anything like that, but it was a fact that I just knew anyway. There was also some random icecream blizzard/shake eating (apparently I had a ton I just horded in the fridge, wtf. Lastly, though, I felt the urge to go outside...and so we went downstairs and outside, and I saw a baby deer (and even though he was like 1.5 feet tall, he still had a little bit of antlers). Well I saw him and held my hand out instinctively and he came to me, but then I was shocked because: 1-I wasn't expecting that, and 2-my mother really, really hates deer, so I didn't want to freak her out. But then my neighbor was there and I think her and possibly my mother started actually petting the deer first, so then we all started thinking warming up to him--and we realized he was a reindeer (maybe?), and was being put into a costume with lederhosen suspender-like things to be used as part of a holiday show at a zoo or something. It made sense then, I don't know. But then I started thinking about keeping him as a pet (in the yard or in the house? But then we thought keeping him in the house like a dog would be much better), and so on...and that's when I woke up.
So remember that solar eclipse a week and two days ago, right? I wanted to get up and watch it, but I was working 12 hours before, and the weather was rainy and stormy as all hell (in fact, the day after the eclipse we had some snow... after having 80 degree weather the day before). Eclipses are pretty important in more than a few religions, so even though I'm an atheist I put this stupid thought into my head before going to sleep:
"So hey if there's anything important going on tonight and some super spechul gods are coming out, lemme know what I should do with my life kthx?!"
Yup, I dreamed about becoming a nurse/continuing work in a hospital. I can't remember all the specifics, but one part stuck out--we had to shave this lady's private regions for surgery. Well, she had shoulder-length straight brownish hair, and her pubic hair looked EXACTLY like the hair on her head--length, texture, and all. Between all the "WTF", we were trying to figure out the best way to shave it all off--I think we tackled it with an electric razor. It's my dream; it couldn't make total sense now, could it?
But hey I finally got a letter in the mail accepting me into nursing school. Soooo I guess... the dream told me to do it.
After that I had a dream people around me were being abducted by aliens. They had some kind of aircraft that hovered over and dropped down these stairs (not beams of light, not ladders, but escalator-looking stairs). They singled out one person at a time, and I think the weird thing about the dream was that people were going up the stairs almost of their own free will. Yeah, they could have been mind controlled, but it was almost like they just really wanted to get off the planet and finally decided to break it all off and leave it all behind. Every time the stairs came down, there was this split second thought of "will this person decide to stay or go?" I saw a few people go, but I can't remember who or why they maybe decided to go. And I think there was the idea in my head that these aliens were targeting people who were maybe looking for a "way out" somehow; like they knew their life/mental histories and wanted either easy prey or to offer a way out.
There were some other dreams, including one where I was also on some kind of weird hovercraft (it looked kind of like a squished hexagon/box shape, taller and longer than it was wide) flying around this futuristic-ish big city that was hosting some sports playoffs, so all the lights on the skyscrapers turned into advertisements for every different team. There were some other people on the ship with me, and most of them seemed to be annoyed at me because they thought I was taking advantage of some other "crew member" I was supposedly in a relationship with, because he was much older than me.
Oh yeah! And a while ago now, I got sick for the second time this year (I don't know what's up with my immune system, but seriously, it's killing it...literally). It was a little strange because my initial symptom was something that came to me IN A DREAM. I was sleeping, and woke up unable to breathe. I tried to go back to sleep, but even though I would start dreaming almost immediately, I would increasingly feel like I couldn't breathe--even in the dream. Like my lungs just wouldn't expand enough. This happened about 4 times before I gave up and woke up. SUPER AWKWARD PART TIME: This dream that kept getting interrupted and restarted by my waking up unable to breathe was also one of those almost-orgasm kind of dreams. So yeah, sleep has never felt weirder. And the funniest part is, after that I had no breathing problems, and didn't start having a sore throat until almost 24 hours later.
I just had one of the worst dreams ever and even though I slept for 3 hours, I don't want to sleep anymore. So another 3 hour day it is...
I have horrible dreams, but they're rarely about any harm coming to anyone I know. Well, my grandfather just died (this is the first of my grandparents to pass away), and I couldn't go home to his funeral because the BF didn't want me to travel across the state alone, and of course he couldn't get off work.
So in my dream he had died, of course... but then my dad died, too. There was some confusion, because at one point it almost seemed like it was my grandmother (the exwife of the deceased grandparent) that died, but no, I'm pretty sure it was my dad. Because my step mother brought out his urn (it was a square based thing on slim steel feet with kind of a trapezoidal shape, getting bigger towards the top with the lid), and I heard things rattle inside it along with the dust...and we were wondering whether to bury them or spread them or something. I went to their house, and my dad had made a ton of platters of food before he died, and they had gotten one cat plus a big mountain lion that was so white it almost looked like a white tiger, minus the stripes of course. The only comforting part of the dream was that the lion was so cuddly and we cuddled up together and were tickling each other.
But then came the point with the urn, which almost slid off a coffee table at one point...and yeah, I was crying so much in the dream that my eyes were puffy there and I saw petechiae forming on my face...and I actually woke up with this intense feeling of pressure in my head, so much so that I expected my eyes not to open all the way from how waterlogged I thought they would be.
Oh, and then at one point in the dream there were doctors, and they said that both my dad and my grandfather died randomly from their first round of chemo--that that was a rare occurrence, but it happened more for adults, and it happened to both of them. In reality my grandfather probably passed away from an MI and my dad already went through chemo once but JFC... just another stab in the heart.
So it finally stopped snowing, and I'm not used to the sound of pounding rain on the windows anymore.
But because of it, I had a dream that I was "home" (someplace other than any of my real homes, tbh) and my mother and I kept finding animals pushed out of their homes because of all the rain--we found a black gerbil, a little frog trapped in some window blinds (that were still on a window, yeah I don't know), and this really soft furry animal that I later identified as a baby raccoon by the dark circles around its eyes. It had a long tail, too, but it wasn't fluffy... And of course I kept the raccoon as my own pet, because even in the dream I could almost feel myself petting it and it was so soft and relaxing.
And then I woke up and I missed my cats even more. -_-
Then I had a super weird dream I had to get a shower to get cleaned up to go somewhere special...not sure what, but it was really like a last-rites kind of thing. There were two other girls with me, too, but I'm not sure why, and some official people who had to grant me my wishes and make sure I didn't do anything stupid. So I wanted music for my last shower before whatever was going to happen, and for some reason I thought of T Rex...
And so the officials granted me Marc Bolan, and he appeared from beyond the grave. Complete with a guitar. To sing for me in the shower. Yeahhhh... idk.
Anyway I'm always in pain, I've been up the past 32 hours minus an hour nap--because I went to sleep the wrong way, woke up with leg pain, and I'm afraid to go back to sleep. Story of my life right now. First it was just my chest, now it's my pelvis and my chest. I keep sleeping/waking in 8 hour increments or so, which really doesn't work with a 12 hour work schedule. wa;ljhglkjroigajerihjaerlhkjaelrkjhekjoi
So the night after the last entry I had one more dream that was super weird; a long while ago I had a dream my dad's family and I got tickets to go to Africa, and I was strangely excited and had flash-forwards of visiting the pyramdids and so on. I don't know if I ever wrote about that dream, but it's still one I remember pretty well.
Well that night I had a...not a continuation, and not really a reenactment of the same thing. My dad had told us we were going to Africa, and we were starting out the trip by taking a hotel/airport bus filled with other people taking a similar trip to the airport itself. It was late summer or fall I think, and we stopped at the beach, I think in New Jersey probably on the way to NYC--and I think our bus broke down or something. So I started walking around and the weird thing was, on the side of a hill behind the beach, there was a steadily declining road zig-zagging downwards--really weird considering the beach was right on the other side, at sea-level. There was this young kid on a bicycle riding down the road, closer and closer to the edge until I thought he was going to fall over the cliff at the side of the road--then I realized he was running purposefully into a mesh fence at the side of the road, so his bicycle would get caught in it and hold itself up, and he could dismount and go into his home at the left side of my view. IDK I don't think there was anything after that, and that was pretty pointless, but I thought it was weird considering it was kind of continuing a rather old and strange dream I had.
And the night after that I had a dream I was visiting someone's sea house--I think it was the side-kick guy I mentioned in that comic book like dream I had two days ago--and I didn't realize it was right on the ocean until he directed my view out the window and opened the windows up so I could hear it. And it was awe-inducing and beautiful. The house was literally right next to the ocean--I'm not sure how because it wasn't propped up or backed off of the sand or anything, and the one side of the house was totally glass looking out to the ocean. And it was bright and clear and blue, and it wasn't just the ocean, either. It was like a mini bay or alcove of water, about maybe 50-100 ft round that was separated a bit from the main ocean by a strip of land filled with bright trees and flowers. I think I jumped into the water pretty much instantaneously. But it was weird, because once I swam towards the trees towards the other side I kind of drifted into this dream meeting of Lord of the Rings characters (yeah this is sad, probably just because I finished the series). Bombadil was one of my favorite characters/instances in the story because of how much it reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, in sort of a spacey old-time kind of way, and I thought it was kind of sad/funny how the Ent storyline about their longing for Entwives was about the only one that wasn't wrapped up at the end of the story. So yeah, the scene became something out of the book and I met both Bombadil and an Ent, and although I don't remember anything we said except that I think it was a happy meeting, I remember the dream sort of turning into a cutaway image of above and under water (which I was still swimming in) before the dream ended.
That day my boyfriend's family was watching the history channel with hot springs in Yellowstone or something of the sort, and it was really reminiscent and almost as beautiful as my dream. :(
So yeah, it's really, really been a while. I haven't been having many dreams that I can remember lately, or when I do I forget them really easily. I also haven't been sleeping well--lots of stressful shit has been happening, and usually I can come home from a long day at work and sleep and make myself feel better, but then I find that I can only sleep like 7 hours (when I usually crash and sleep at least 10). I wake up instead at 6 am (which is TOTALLY unusual for me on a day off) and I can't get back asleep.
I've also been getting extra confused... I can't remember doing things or I get names mixed up, even though I've known people for months or a year--and like, I really know them well, too. It's super awkward when it's your job to remember names.
Someone crashed at work and died, and even though it was someone I was taking care of that day, no one thought to say anything to me directly. That is, until someone accidentally called me and told me, when they thought I was another person. Yeah. Then they said "I'm sorry...well you can go visit them after we're done then!" Like, what? You weren't taking care of them, but you get precedent anyhow?
And I was so pissed about that and about people sitting around on their iphones watching me fix the mess instead of helping, that I didn't even go visit. What's the point, anyway, really. I loved them in life the best I could, and now they're not suffering anymore, and that's that, right? What else is there to do when a person's already gone?
Someone else passed recently, too, and the last thing we said to each other was "I love you!"...and that just made everything ok, too, I guess.
But to be honest I'm pretty burnt out from a person we cared for that died over the summer. When you're basically the foster family of someone who has no real family around their entire elongated stays, and then the person dies and their family makes news out of it like they're the best family ever, it's tough. And since you gave all your love to someone that's not yours, that isn't even there anymore... it's kind of hard to give out so much more love to someone like that again so soon. I feel like a worse person sometimes. :\
IDK why I'm rambling, I probably shouldn't even be saying so much.
I had this amazing dream as well. I'm not sure what was going on but this guy was trying to help me get a bath in this huge bathtub in this really nice bathroom. I don't even know what he looked like, but I think it was someone that was in my dreams before and he had a lot of dark hair. And, like, he was being really subservient and not perverted or anything, but he wanted to draw the bath and put in bath salts and make ambient lighting with candles and all this stuff that only a girl would want to do, and he kind of stepped aside when I was ready to get in. I think there was some kind of fetishy-note to it, because it was like this guy was later expecting me to dominate him or him to dominate me (actually I think it was the latter, I think I had a flash forward bit where he was trying to force himself on top of me), but idk my dream didn't last that long. I only got to take a glorious bath.
Because you know what? I need a fucking bath. And I don't have a bathtub IRL ATM, and I've got a lot of dead skin from the winter that I just want to sit back and soak away. :(
Life would be wonderful if I had:
A: A bath B: Kitties
Sometimes I wonder why I live so far from home....
