Miss M. Monroe

Isn't it funny how there can be something in your life you take for granted, and when it's gone, you feel as though your soul has been ripped out?

I signed a contract with Fox the other day. Isn't that silly? I was so excited and I was looking forward to it so much.

Johnny had a heart attack. He knew he was ill, seriously ill, he knew this would happen. And he knew why he wanted to marry me, so he could take care of me. He had a heart attack, and I wasn't anywhere near him. That is the one thing I regret the most. Far more than refusing to marry him, to take his money from him. I don't regret that at all although it does make me sad that I couldn't make him happy. It's what he wanted. When he died, I was outside his room. I wasn't allowed in, but he called for me. Mrs Hyde, as I must remind myself that she still is, kicked me out of my flat that Johnny was paying for. She refused to allow me to go to the funeral but I don't care what that bitter old hag had to say, I went. I went to honour my beloved Johnny, and because I knew he'd want me there. I took a rose from the spray. It's in the pages of my Bible now. I shall try to keep it forever. A pure white rose.

I'm living with my drama coach now, Natasha Lytess. She loves me and dotes on me but it's not quite the same. I want to die, I do.





Me and my darling Johnny

You remember me talking about that role that Johnny said he'd get me? The one in the Joe Mankiewicz picture? Well, I got it! I'm sure I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for Johnny, he's the most amazing agent and a wonderful friend. Claudette Colbert can't play in it any longer so Bette Davis is in the lead. To be entirely honest, I'm more than a little afraid of her. The rest of the cast seem quite alright, although the fact that George Sanders' wife glares at me whenever we're together (and he's in all my scenes so it's unavoidable) as though she wishes me dead is a little frightening.

Johnny's dreadfully sick. He says he's going to die although I'm not sure if I believe him. I don't want to believe him, he has been the greatest friend of my life. But he's always telling me I ought to marry him, that he can give me everything I've ever wanted and that he's more use to me dead than alive if I only give in to him. Isn't it ridiculous? I tell him no every time but he always brings up my mother which I feel terrible about. He knows that I want to take care of my mother the way she was never able to care for me, only I don't have the money. But I simply cannot marry a man for his money. I've told him this again and again. I've married once without loving my husband and I'm not willing to do it again.

So, another year has past. I don't feel any wiser than I did before although the men in the studios always look at me as though that's a good thing. But I want to better myself!

I don't have any major news. I've got a teensy part in a Mickey Rooney picture, The Fireball. It's pretty straightforward and it's the sort of role I could play in my sleep now, I've played it so many times. But I'm not to complain as I'm not even a movie star yet, I'm just a starlet. Sure thing.



Here's a little picture of me and Mickey. I'm taller than him without heels. With heels, I tower over him. It made me laugh but it's not as bad as Johnny who's a good foot shorter than me. But really, don't I like the picture of the elegance and sophistication here? Gee, I wish I hadn't cut off my hair. It was my lifeline.

So, enough of me. How are you all doing? I'm tired of yarning about myself, I want to hear about you. I do hope you're enjoying yourselves at the moment, with your parties and your movies and your fancy clothes. I will join you one day!

Big things are happening right now, and it's terribly exciting. First off, Johnny got me a role, a big one. It's in a John Huston picture called The Asphant Jungle. He really really worked at it and I went to audition - I had to lie on the floor because the scene takes place with my character lying on a sofa. Well, I got the part! I'm so excited.

I also had my hair cut short for the first time in my life - well, since I was a little kid. I'm not sure what I think of it right now, it's more a shock than having it straightened and bleached! When I brush it, it feels so odd. Below is a picture of my new hair. I realise that shorter hair is all the rage but I guess I was clinging on to that tiny piece of my old self.



Johnny's working really hard to get me another part in a film by Joe Mankiewicz that looks like it's going to be starring Claudette Colbert. It seems like quite a part, so I really hope that I get it. Cross your fingers and your toes for me! It's a choice role. I believe it's called Good Performance or Best Performance or something like that. I'm not sure that I'll get the role though...

I have something to get off my chest. I don't like talking about my personal troubles in such a public place but I guess it will make me feel better. Johnny has left his wife. He keeps asking me to marry him because he has money and he's ill, he says he can look after me. I just won't marry again unless it's for love, I've told him that. I've told him that I love him but I'm not in love with him. I care for him a great deal and I really appreciate everything he's done for me and occasionally I let him go so far with me because I like him, I really do, but I'm just not in love with him.

Why is it that the only men I feel anything for aren't willing to make sacrifices for me? Will it always be like this? Will I always get involved with men who either love me but I have no interest in or who I love but they only like for a little bit of fun.

Ahhh, but now I'm making this all so very dreary, and that's not on. I just have to look to the future and to this role Johnny's going to get me!

I think I'm just ghastly to have not posted for such a long while, but I do hope you can forgive me. I've had a few roles in adverts and one or two bitparts (I'm working on A Ticket To Tomahawk right now. The part is small but I get to sing which is okay for me) and, on top of that, I've had so much modelling work that it's coming out of my ears. I don't mind at all, of course. It's money coming in, and that's always welcome because I need money to buy clothes to make an impression to get the jobs in the first place. It's a vicious circle, I find.

I was up in New York promoting Love Happy a few weeks back (remember? I wrote about that last time). Anyway, my old flame Andre de Dienes managed to catch up with me and we had the most wonderful photo shoot on the beach somewhere near New York, I forget the name. It really was fabulous and I've had some of the shots back. I can't believe them! I look just like a movie star, and Andre said I seemed like one, that I had the poise of one. I don't think he's in love with me anymore which is a refreshing change.

( One of the pictures...Collapse )

My love life is terrible at the moment, guys seem to like to date me but they never want to take it any further than the bedroom which I sometimes allow and more often than not decline because I'm an actress, not a whore.

Other than that, I guess my life is okay at the moment. I'll speak to you all soon, and I hope you're doing well.

I've just shot a tiny bit part with the Marx Brothers, for their latest, Love Happy. I cannot believe that I am in one of their films! I used to go and see them quite a lot when I was ten or so, I'd get myself so lost in the cinema and I'd watch the film again and again and again. I wouldn't care how many reels of news footage I had to watch, just so long as I got to see the feature. I'd go missing quite a lot that way, they'd go searching for me and then someone would say "I know where she is! She's at the movies, isn't she?" and they'd get mad and come and fetch me.

I can't believe I'm going to be in that film. And not just that! I have two auditions with some top producers coming up, all organised by Johnny Hyde. I can't help but wonder where my life would be without him. I don't want to think about it really. The fact is that here I am, doing all these wonderful things and perhaps there are some girls out there who haven't met him, who haven't had that chance. I feel bad for them but I can't change a thing and I wouldn't change places with them for the world. If it were the other way around, they wouldn't either.

That's just the way things are.

Things are looking up for me. Thank goodness! I can't believe that, in a year, the 1940s will be over. Maybe the 1950s will be my decade. Who knows?

The New Year party was a blast. So many wonderful people complimenting me on my success in films, on my dress, on my hair. I met the most wonderful man! Oh, not a lover or anything like that, he's the sweetest little man named Johnny Hyde, agent to the stars (that's what he told me, anyway) and he's promised me he'll make something of me. He says I'm going to be a movie star, that there's no ifs about it. At first I thought that he wanted something more from me that he was saying but now I doubt it. He seems so genuine. He's fast becoming a dear, dear friend of mine, I try to see him at least a week. His wife isn't too happy about it. Story of my life!

Mom's back in hospital. I feel so guilty, she was begging for me to not let her go back there. She hates it. But there's nothing I can do, I can't take care of her. Where was she when I was a baby? Where was she when I needed someone to love me? I do love her of course, and sometimes I think she loves me too, I just can't look after her. I don't know how. I don't have enough money. She's better off where she is.

I was out shopping yesterday and walked past an old beau of mine, his arm around a pretty redhead. He glanced at me but I don't think he recognised me at all! Am I really so different? I feel different but that's because everything's going so fast at the moment, I barely have time to sit down. Johnny's asking for me to cut my hair but I've told him that there's no chance. My hair is the last link to my old self, the girl I was in the wedding photos and the photos of me with Aunt Ana. I know it's fashionable to have shorter hair now, but I hope that fad dies down soon. I like my hair long.

Ah well, I raise a toast. To the future!

Columbia fired me.

I don't understand it, I really don't. Ladies of the Chorus got good reviews, really good reviews. I was described as 'sparkling'. They'll be making a whole bunch of cash off my film, and I know it's my film, everybody said so, and what do I get? Nothing. I suppose it's back to square one. I always have my modelling, there's a constant demand for that.

I'm so cross, I don't know what to make of it all. First Fox drop me, then Columbia. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a movie star. I don't know why I even bothered sometimes. Oh yes I do. Because it's my dream, and these men who think they're hot stuff are pissing all over it. I loathe men, they use me and I let them.


In other news, Andre (de Dienes) called me up today. I was not expecting that at all and I have no clue how I got hold of my number. He asked if we could do a few pictures and I said no. Am I crazy? That man practically built my modelling career and I love him so. I told him that I might get a new film role sometime soon, that I never could tell what was just around the corner. He said that it wouldn't stop me from having my picture taken and I said 'yes, well'. This is the second time I've let my career get in the way of my friendship with him. I called off our engagement two years ago because I wanted to be a movie star. He's never forgiven me, not really.

( one of the pictures Andre took of me way back whenCollapse )

This is such a melancholy post, isn't it? I hope that I have something more cheerful to say next time I post. It's coming up to Christmas now anyway. 'Tis the season to be jolly. I may be strapped for cash but I'm determined to have a good time. Hopefully one of my old friends will call me up...

Things are going quite well at the moment. A lot of modelling work has been coming my way, along with my first leading role! I'm so excited. I've already started work on 'The Ladies Of The Chorus' and I'm very much enjoying it. I play a young chorus girl who falls in love with a wealthy man. I quite like the role and I get to sing which is just fabulous.

Money is steady at the moment and I look forward to getting more roles of this kind. Perhaps my dream is yet to come true.


A recent modelling picture.

Hello to all of you reading this. My name is Marilyn Monroe & I'm a movie actress. I can't say star yet but one day, one day. I'm currently on a contract with Columbia so who knows where I'll get to? I've just gotta hold on to my dream.

I'm living with my mum at the moment, or rather she's living with me. It's tough because I have to earn both of our living with my modelling and the few movie roles that I've been lucky enough to catch. I'm determined to get myself and my mother out of here. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop, so to speak.