Oh little live journal, do not fret! I have not forgotten you just yet! But I of course am having worries and must write them down to make myself feel better.
I've been living in a crappy little city just out of Portland for almost three years. I love it and hate it. Love it because it's cheap and feels safe since I've been here for so long. But slowly roommates have eaten away at me and I finally decided I had had enough and wanted to move into a place all on my own (including two cute kitties). I started searching earlier this week and told my roommate Ariel that I wanted to move.
I originally decided to move because of Ariel. She's actually been the most decent roommate I've ever had, besides her constant clutter and her not doing dishes. She wanted to move closer to work and I was tired of living in Milwaukie. When I thought of moving I had always assumed that she'd move with me, until I found out she didn't want to move unless it was into a house. A house to me entails more work and means more people. Ew. So I told her I was probably going to look to get a place on my own and she decided to do her own thing as well. This was about four days ago.
I found a cute little vintage apartment in northeast on 30th and Holladay and I got to look at it today. It was PERFECT. It's a studio, hard wood in main living area, black and white checkered tile in the kitchen and white tile in the itty bitty bathroom. It also has two large walk in closets and lots of cabinet space in the kitchen. It also had my biggest requirement... it allowed both my kitties! I WANTED it so bad. I turned in an application right there. I'm the first applicant so I'm first in line for it. Sounds perfect... until I started to worry. I only work four days a week right now and I'm worried I can't pick up another shift. I probably can afford it without the extra shift, but only if I NEVER go out and don't spend money on anything extra until I'm sure of my finances. This scares the mother fucking SHIT out of me. I have never lived in a place I couldn't SAVE money and I'm sort of afraid I won't be able to if I don't pick up another shift. I'm definitely going to ask for a shift but if they have one they can give me may be another story. But now it's to the point that I HAVE to move, Ariel is planning on moving out by April 1st herself. So what now? I can't really be sure until I ask for that shift. Only time will tell...
As usual I got my heart broken, but for some reason it's easier to deal with as I get older. I have better ways of dealing with things. Lately to make myself feel happy I've been downloading guilty pleasure music that I KNOW is bad, but I want to listen to anyway. I've also been playing world of warcraft... but that's a constant even if my heart isn't broken. My family has been here from me and I have a good group of wonderful friends that I can call at any time so really, I'm doing fabulous. I've learned to count my blessings and stop myself from letting the one bad thing that happened overshadow what is positive.
Even though I cried this morning because I woke up from a dream about him. I feel a lot better just knowing that, that is the only bad thing that is happening right now and everything else is just so fucking good.
So after 8 months Chris and I called it quits last Sunday (not yesterday). We sat down and discussed some major issues in our relationship, like him not being affectionate and not even telling me I was pretty. Sounds vain, but a girl needs that to feel that she's needed and wanted. In the end, he said he didn't think he could make me happy. I asked straight forward questions and he didn't know the answer to them.
I was sad, but happy to be single but now I'm starting to feel depressed. I miss Chris, but I know our relationship won't work out if he didn't know where we were headed or if he'd ever love me. Being in a relationship for 8 months and acting like your dating is not a real relationship. He was nicer than the rest but not completely flawless either.
I've been by myself a lot. I don't really mind it, but what I DO mind is the spending too much time by myself aspect. A lot of my good friends and I have very awkward schedules so we can't hang out like we'd like. Because of this I tend to either spend time by myself and that makes me feel depressed and lonely. Lonliness tends to bring out the slut in me because I comfort myself with men. I try to forget for just long enough that I can feel normal, but then feel worse later. I haven't done this yet and I'm avoiding it, but my lack of social conections is wearing me down and depressing me. I'm not going to go back to my old way now that I'm aware of it, but I'm not going to be happy either. I just wish there was someone to talk to sometimes.
I just got a 1996 volvo from an aution the day before it snowed in December. Since getting the car its had many querks but nothing I can't handle after the LTD. Until last night.
I got out of work, bought some milk and bread from Safeway and went downstairs to the parking garage where I park my car. I unlocked the door and put my purcheses in the passenger seat and turned the key in the ignition... My car didn't start and what looks like my hazard lights start flashing. What the fuck? I was incredibly confused. Was my car dead and the lights were indicating it? I checked the button where I turn on my hazard lights and clicked it on. The sequence of flashing lights changed but otherwise after unchecked it seemed that it was not my actual hazard lights that were on. This is about where I freaked out. My car wasn't turning on and lights were flashing and I hadn't even done anything!
I called my mom. She got confused and gave me to my step dad who tries to convince me my hazards are on. I had a hell of a time trying to explain that, that was my initial reaction but he was wrong. Thisis when he figures out I have an ALARM in my car. Not one that will send police cars or make ear splitting noises. No, just one that scares off people that try to jimmy my car door open and won't turn on when its activated. Someone must have tried to break into my car and set it off. I had to get out of my car, shut the door and lock and unlock my car to reset everything and make it stop.
After getting home I fed my goblins (cats) and flicked on the tv waiting for something to happen... nothing did. Before I left work my boyfriend Chris said if he was going to go out for a bit he'd give me a call to come with but the phone call I waited for never came.
I was sort of mad to be honest. He'd forgotten me! I ate a frozen pizza and started to feel sorry for myself. I finally got up to smoke a cigarette and grabbed my phone to bring down with me when I realized I'd missed a phone call and had a few text messages from Chris! It was nearly 11 but I hoped he'd still be awake. He said something about not wanting to be up too late so I figured he might have gone home to bed already. When he answered I was relieved and told him how sorry I was and how much I felt like such a jerk! Here I had been thinking he hadn't called me and the bad reception in my apartment had caused me to miss his calls! He said it was fine, there was some talk about sandwiches and plans for today instead (or technically yesterday) and I let him go.
Cue in on today. I got to work at around 10. Felt fine. Chris came in around noon and seemed a little grumpy. I let him be grumpy. He gets like that sometimes and if he's going to be grumpy its better to just let him be. I asked him before I left for the day if he still wanted to hang out and he said yeah, probably and said he'd call me later and we'd see what we wanted to do... he didn't call until 10:30. He sounded weird, like he was upset or grumpy still. I brought it up and asked if he was ok and he told me that its because of what I'd said the night before. About me thinking he'd forgotten about me and forgotten to call... I told him I was sorry and it was just that it wasn't the first time someone had forgotten to call me and if there was anything I could do. He said no and that he was going to stay in for the night.
I cried for a half hour.
I feel like a jerk and as far as I can tell, I didn't really do anything wrong to make him upset with me... besides forget to turn my phone off vibrate because of the car fiasco. Thats right, the reason I missed his call wasn't the bad reception. I realized when I was going to bed and turning my alarm sound up when I figured out it had been on vibrate. I ALWAYS turn off the vibrate when I get into my car and turn it on. But with the whole thinking I broke my car thing, it had been overlooked and I snubbed my boyfriend out of my own doing, not from faulty reception!
The last two days have been awful.
I hope he doesn't break up with me. Although if he breaks up with me for something as stupid as a misunderstanding then he's a jerk anyway...
Sometimes talking to my significant other is the hardest thing for me to do. Past relationships have cripple my voice. He's so tight lipped I can't tell what he's thinking. I ramble and never say what I really want to. I'm glad I got the chance to voice what upsets me in our relationship. I'm still confused, but I feel better. I just hope that whatever I say that it will make a difference and that we can come out of the challenges in our relationship.
I'm feeling very confused. I'm in another "almost" relationship. The kind that you see each other about every other day but you don't acknowledge that you're boyfriend and girlfriend. It's fairly obvious that everything is sort of on that level, but you haven't had the conversation to solidify anything. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation even. When I was with this guy Seth it was sort of the same thing only... different obviiously. I ended up really hurt by him because I was practically broken up with, by a guy I wasn't even with.
I'm starting to worry that this will happen all over again. I'm going to get hurt. I've been seeing Chris exclusively for about two and a half months now and we still haven't had the conversation. I'm actually terrified to even bring it up and he hasn't even showen any signs of wanting to talk about it either. We haven't had a talk about exclusivity either, but we're only sleeping with each other. It's fairly obvious he likes me, but then I had a conversation with my boss about him. She asked him about us a few weeks ago and he said that at this point in his life, and with everything going on, he doesn't want the responsibilities of an actual solid girlfriend...
So am I a placeholder for him? Something to fuck him until he finds some one better, smarter or even prettier? Our status by most standards is that of a boyfriend and girlfriend. Is he fooling himself? Am I fooling myself? Am I setting myself up for failure? It figures something would come along and complicate things. Chris is probably the only nice guy I've ever dated and he'll probably be the first nice guy to dump me, even if it's not really a relationship. So I guess he'd be dumping his "fake" girlfriend.
Fuck nice guys, fuck bad boys. Fuck boys in general. All they do is give me a headache.
I had a client with large mutton chop sideburns sit in my chair today. He had shoulder length hair and told me how much he LOVED semetry and how he HAD to have a blunt haircut to his chin. My first impression was "ew" but I could tell his mind was made up... so I obliged.
I started cutting his greasy hair and the first thing he comments on is my weight. "How much do you weigh? 105 or something?" My reply was of course as sassy as I could muster, after all it was the end of my day. "Its rude to ask a lady her weight" I commented back. "You're not a lady yet!" He shot back. "I'm a lady." I replied curtly. "I may be 23, but age doesn't matter. If I feel like a lady, I'm a damn lady."
I was trying my hardest to put a stop to conversation, he'd already made me uncomfortable. I'm sort of sensitive about strangers commenting on my size. It's obvious I'm small. What's the point in rubbing it in that I'm the size of a thimble? This did not deter him from the conversation however, and his next comment was again about my weight. "So, are you like a size one or two? Would you fit into the hefty sizes of the little girls section?" Fuuuuckkkkkk....
Even after this conversation was over it moved onto more disturbing topics. Such as, wither homosexuals or heterosexuals were more likely to have long hair. My curt reply was again, "I don't think it really matters on someone's sexuality." Some of the key things that you learn in beauty school of topics to avoid in conversation are as follows: Sex, religion and politics. Of course most of your clients are easy enough to read and you can see how far you can stretch these rules, they're more like guidelines than anything... with this particular man, you want to avoid ALL OF THESE.... of course two of the three were brought up.
After I bid Mr. Bad Taste goodbye I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. If this is what humanity has become then please obliterate me now before it gets any worse.
Don't you just love waking up in the morning? I usually do. I feel so refreshed... but this morning all of the refreshment that I would have felt was crushed by the sound of my phone. I woke up to a nice text message that my phone was past due, but get this, I just paid the bill at the beginning of the month (at least I thought I did). Cursing my phone, I relented and got up instead of laying lazily in bed for my usual few minutes. I went to check my bill online, like I always did. I was hoping I could possibly pay it... but the stupid bill pay online was down! I'm currently trying to make the best of my situation by consuming coffee by the buckets in an attempt to trick myself into happiness... perhaps it will work by the time I reach my work later this afternoon.
worried
complacent
artistic
aggravated