Sir Beautiful-alot

I've been getting some pretty odd dreams lately. I'm not sure what's been stimulating them or if I want them to stop. They're strange though. I managed to type one up early this morning, as quickly as I could [with added seasoning, of course, but very little, I assure you] while I still remembered it:

F33D CH1PPY.

Another one [which I would be happy to forget] was quite violent, and left me paranoid the whole morning. I had it a few days ago. :shivers:

The rest weren't that bad, but equally as effective and/or thought provoking. My dreams have never really had that much depth before. They never really focused on one particular idea, event, or person.

:sigh: Dunno why it even matters.

On a lighter note:

DEADMAN'SCHESTJULYSEVENTHKISSMEJOHNNYDEPP.

I swear I'm not high.

type type type BOOM pause type type type...

More basement book sorting and guess what. I unearthed a Catholic study Bible. Which I intend to read. Yes yes. Unfortunately, I said this last time, when I borrowed another version from someone, but found myself bored to tears.

Tears of joy, of course...

Anyway, happy fourth, guys. I didn't go out to see the fireworks (hearing them is just fine for me), but my day wasn't too bad. Had a mini black out earlier in the day. Must've been some sicko's idea of joke to try and get New Dorp to bond by knocking out the power and forcing everyone to go outside. Didn't work. Most of us stayed inside anyway, ready to brave the immense heat and a warm refrigerator. Or go to bed. Like me.

Then again, I don't need a black out to be able to sleep peacefully. Many have learned that I will curl up in the oddest of places [floors, trains, backyard benches].

Also went to Irina's house where I was forced into a pool against my will in clothing that was not my own.

My ear still hurts.

Zahhh.... bombs bursting in air

Sure feels peaceful.

Damn all you people who call yourself my friends. Why don’t any of you have the decency to slap me around a couple of times, huh? Remind me that stupidity is not a good excuse for the way I run my life? I’d do it myself, but that’ll land me a good few sessions of therapy. Well? No one?

Sorry for my random bursts of lunacy which I do not feel comfortable elucidating on at this present moment. I really am. Sorry, that is. No really.

Slave labor has dominated my life, it seems. [And yeah, of course I say that sarcastically, you numbskulls.] Still, it’s come pretty close to that anyway. I’m stuck in a dead end, so to speak, for the rest of the summer. Between “helping” my father pack for his trip which he swears he will depart for in a month from five days ago [something he has been saying for the past two years] and sleeping [in order to avoid “helping” my father pack for his trip which he swears he will depart for in a month from five days ago], there has really not been much else going on. I wouldn’t even dare ask for any time to myself in fear of setting off the Hitler side of father [not pleasant at ALL], so I basically crave communication and will continue this for the rest of the summer. I already regret not signing up for CSI classes, but even those could not have helped me much, since they end at 12, and would leave me with the rest of the day to spend with mini-Adolf.

I am in a mood of perpetual discontent with brief ‘happy spasms’ triggered by random cool things like satirical lines in a book, ice cream, and the pictures on my phone. See, I’m never really bored, just extremely unhappy with the way things are turning out.

You know, I was pulling weeds in my yard a few days ago when I came to a high point in my unhappiness. I was ripping at them pretty savagely, thinking about a few unpleasant things my father said to me. I felt like I was ripping out clumps of hair. I still don’t know whose, my dad’s, mine, or just hair in general, but it felt pretty good. I finished the entire backyard in ten minutes. I also noticed that there were a lot of worms and every time I would wrench out a handful of weeds, they would go scurrying [well, slithering, but they seemed like they were scurrying] in any direction that was farthest from me. Being the sadist I am, that felt good, too. Dude. I had the power to make lower beings scurry. Yeah, it’s really not something to be proud of.

But I am.

Okay okay okay. Started a new book. It’s called Monkey Grip and I’m not quite sure why I’m so wrapped up in it. I’ll be honest, there’s not much action [apart from all the sex], the setting rarely changes, and the details are pretty skimpy. Yet somehow, I keep reading. It might just be desperation, since there’s not much else to do, not much else I can do even if I wanted to.

Doubt it though, because I have plenty more to choose from. Went through an entire crate of old, used books in my basement that haven’t been touched since they had been put there. Can’t tell you exactly when that was, but rest assured, it was a while ago. I was amazed with what I found there: The Penal Colony by Kafka, The Late Night Muse by Pesetsky, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne. You get the point. I even found a very randomly titled volume of stories called The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

I also found a crate of all the books I owned and wore out through numerous readings when I was really young. I think I started tearing as I went through each one, one by one. Could blame that on the dust too, though. It all reminded me of how isolated I was as a kid, spending much of my time in the backyard reading these same books over and over. For some reason, I didn’t feel badly about throwing them out.

Found something else too. I read a lot slower now. I realized that while reading Monkey Grip, actually. I could usually get through a 240 page book in about three hours, but this time I was barely halfway in. I take full responsibility for that. I haven’t read the way I used to in two years.

I hate ending entries on such a sad note, but I have nothing more to say. See ya when I see ya.

Summer summer summer. I guess I want it to be here pretty badly. Or is it, technically? Yes? Well I disagree, because tomorrow is my Physics Regents, and that means it is not yet summer.

Yeah I had a entry planned out about various uncool events, but on second thought, this doesn't seem to appealing anymore.

Mrs. Kutza’s twenty-three pages of notes are difficult to decipher. It took me a while to realize that bubblegum was not a functional part of the large intestine. It took the remaining joy out of my day. Why can’t bubblegum be a functional part of the large intestine, I thought. And then it hit me.

Racism.

It's been annoying me lately has been a friend of mine who doesn’t know how to keep his mood swings in check. We’ll hang out one day and he’ll be fine and talk to me everyone else. He’ll talk to me online and everything will seem fine. But then, a few days later all annoyed or depressed and sit there like a mute and no one can do anything about it. I always want so badly to come up to him and say, “Just fucking go home. Are you sitting here just to make us feel bad for you or ruin our moods too?” but I don’t because… well… who says that kind of thing? He also knows the exact things to say that’ll either make you feel really good or like complete shit and he’ll do either whenever he feels like it. At one point, I just began avoiding him altogether and after a while he asked, “So why do you hate me?” Freaking emo bastard… I don’t know. Is it just me or does anyone else think that that’s a little wrong?

I’m glad that only a few of my friends know I have an LJ. My entries seem like they should be privated more and more often. =_=

I haven’t written in one of these babies in a while, and even though I don’t have much to say, I’ll say it anyway.

Do you ever get that feeling, after you’ve chosen to do something, that you’re missing out on something else? For example, there are those times when one of those random once-in-a-lifetime opportunities make they’re way into your life because you were at the right place at the right time and by choosing an alternative, you might have passed up an opportunity that you could have stumbled on?

I don’t really know how to explain it, sorry. It’s not really paranoia, more like one of those strange thoughts that cross your mind that go something along the lines of, “how many amazing opportunities have I missed in my life to date?”

I guess you can say it’s depressing, but I find it somewhat fascinating. I guess it also has something to do with luck and being in the right place at the same time.

Another thought I get sometimes is “where would I be right now and what would I be being if I hadn’t met certain people?” For example, if I hadn’t become friends with Julia, would it have led to the same relationship [if any at all] to the one I have with one of my current closer friends? One might say that have nothing to do with each other, but I disagree, because everything you’ve done and experienced makes the person you are today, and if a certain person hadn’t entered your life at a certain time and allowed you to certain experiences, you wouldn’t be the same person you are now. Am I making sense?

I know for a fact that if I had never met Jessica I would have been a completely different person. How different, I’ll never know, but I don’t regret it. Wile I don’t associate with her much anymore, I’m thankful for having met her because she obviously helped bring me to the place I am today, along with the friends I have and the opinions I hold about certain things. People don’t often think about these things, and if they do, it would go something along the lines of, “I wish this person had never come into my life… they were such a waste of time and association” or something like that, not realizing that all of our experiences, good or bad, have shaped the basic path of our lives up to now.

I wonder even what I would be like had my parents chosen to stay in Russia. Right now I’m saying, “oh god, I’m glad they chose what they did”, but that’s only because I know what happened since they did. Who knows, I might have even been better off there. Things on a smaller scale, like what junior high school I chose to attend and where I chose to sit on the first day of school, on my first day in a Staten Island school where I knew literally nobody have affected me immensely too. It’s funny, because I always complain about my eighth grade math teacher leaving me back in Math A for no reason, despite the 92 I got on my report card, and how I wish I could have been in Math B earlier, but now I realize that had this happened, I would have probably never met Irina, or at least I wouldn’t have had the same relationship now, and that in turn, she wouldn’t have met Zerina [once again, most likely]; and now I take that all back. I guess some things are meant to happen certain ways, or maybe, in a way, I lucked out, because now I have a good friend and I don’t have to waste my time and money on Calculus next year.

With all this in mind and all the choices put before me, I wonder which one I’ll end up taking and if it will be the right one. I wonder if I’ll meet people capable enough to fill that hole which will appear after I’ll separate from my friends and if we’ll ever meet again, or if something big will happen before we have any chance to make any decisions.

I hate how every topic I ever venture into ends up like this. I want to think of something optimistic, but somehow, it all escapes me. It all ends up sad or depressing in some way. I’m only sixteen and definitely not a philosopher, so why am I not dominated by trivialities such as boys, make up, clothes, and music? I guess I enjoy the last two to an extent and the first two not at all [there’s really not that much to enjoy in either].

Too confusing. My eye sockets just went boom.

I’m feeling a little not so good [as usual] and my father is screaming at me for being immoral. It’s funny, because I’ve noticed that if my mother is home, he goes from screaming at me to complaining to her. Then she’ll be all like stop yelling at me, I’m doing something, yell at her and he’ll automatically begin his angry whining — she’s your freaking daughter, what the hell is your problem, why don’t you back me up. Then he’ll stomp away into a corner, mutter to himself, and stomp back again, either to me or her and begin all over again, this time on a completely irrelevant topic. It’ll skip around from jamming the printer to my “nasty habit” of arguing to missing labs [which aren’t my fault =P] to doing useless things like writing, reading, drawing, and community service, and then back again to jamming the printer.

Anyway, back to the feeling not so good. The only things that appear to be working properly are my legs. The rest of me feels like an emo house preparing itself spiritually for demolition. If you have no idea how that feels, I’m sorry. You’ll have to begin a journey in search of an emo house preparing itself spiritually for demolition and ask it then.

Tomorrow, school will not find me in itself [Don’t ask what possessed me to come up with an obscenely strange sentence like that]. I don’t think anyone will mind though. Except for the people who keep promising to go for food with. Dearest Fruity/Alex probably wants to strangle me at this point, but at least I’m giving him a day to think over the repercussions.

One thing I definitely won’t regret missing would be the newspaper meeting after school. Laura enthusiastically promised me that she is going to show up after telling me that her life long dream is to become a journalist, that our school is full of hypocrites [it luckily slipped my mind to tell her that it takes one to label one], and worst of all, unknowingly berating my best friend by saying something along the lines of I’d like to have a word with whoever runs the newspaper. They must be really lazy, because if it were me, I would be working hard to get the paper out once a month at least. And I would kick out all the people who write about stuff that isn’t important, which happens to be quite unforgivable, because even with our lovely [loyal] crew of four [the only ones who come every week without fail], it's hard even to manage a tri-monthly paper. And this is a fucking club! You can't kcik out people for writing about make-up if they want to!

Had I a duck and she were in front of me, it would have found its way up her colon. Unfortuantely, I possess no fowl of any species and was behind a computer screen, so quack.

Who does she think she is, deciding what’s important and what’s not, anyway? She said something about it being our duty to inform the school about world events. Listen. If the douche strudels in our school wanted to stay informed, they’d be much better off picking up a Times or tuning the radio to something other than Hot 97, not reading some self-proclaimed Renaissance Teenager’s angsty view on politics and Iraq. If I thought anyone cared, I would have started on that shit long ago. Unfortunately, the student populace’s average IQ and attention span has an overall trend of a steep Boyle’s Law graph, so I see no point in wasting ink or precious time that could be spent on Yahoo! Graffiti destroying my mousing device. I have my very enjoyable American History class for that [discussing politics] anyway, where the people are slightly more amiable and possess half a brain.

And I’m off before my computer finds a way to contract my virus [oh ha ha ha, I’m so clever]. :dies:



R. I'm finished.
M. Your mom is finished.
R. My mom was finished with you last night.

Result: M. totally got 'G'eed.



Chocolate tastes so awful when you're sick.


/EDIT

Random person IMed me, so I played along. :sigh: [The 86th one is Nadia, by the way. I made her IM him; And I named him Rufus.]

studleyqbeefpile [10:27 P.M.]: i say, old bean, have you seen my hat?
studleyqbeefpile [10:27 P.M.]: uuuh...no
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:28 P.M.]: what's wrong rufus?
studleyqbeefpile [10:28 P.M.]: I say old bean, I dont believe I know you.
Who are you? o o
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:28 P.M.]: i'm your 47th one night stand
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:28 P.M.]: sheesh
studleyqbeefpile [10:28 P.M.]: oh
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:28 P.M.]: you really need to keep track of them
studleyqbeefpile [10:28 P.M.]: yeah
studleyqbeefpile [10:28 P.M.]: you
studleyqbeefpile [10:28 P.M.]: i know
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:28 P.M.]: you lost your hat on the 86th one's ass
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:29 P.M.]: so how've you been rufus?
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:29 P.M.]: been brushing your teeth lately?
studleyqbeefpile [10:29 P.M.]: my nams not rufus
studleyqbeefpile [10:29 P.M.]: and yesh
studleyqbeefpile [10:29 P.M.]: i have
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:29 P.M.]: yes it is rufus
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:29 P.M.]: or have you changed it again
studleyqbeefpile [10:30 P.M.]: I guess o
studleyqbeefpile [10:30 P.M.]: :/
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:30 P.M.]: that's a bad habit
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:30 P.M.]: what's it this time?
studleyqbeefpile [10:31 P.M.]: Kyo ~o o~
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:31 P.M.]: you're lying to me
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:31 P.M.]: , rufus
studleyqbeefpile [10:32 P.M.]: nope
studleyqbeefpile [10:32 P.M.]: I no lie :D
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:32 P.M.]: did you just immigrate from china?
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:32 P.M.]: that's awesome
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:32 P.M.]: rufus
studleyqbeefpile [10:33 P.M.]: no
studleyqbeefpile [10:33 P.M.]: Japan
studleyqbeefpile [10:33 P.M.]: Im a rock star
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:33 P.M.]: i know
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:33 P.M.]: im your groupie
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:33 P.M.]: remember?
studleyqbeefpile [10:33 P.M.]: nope
studleyqbeefpile [10:33 P.M.]: i have to many
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:33 P.M.]: rufus
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:33 P.M.]: i'm hurt
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:34 P.M.]: i thought we had something special
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:34 P.M.]: for those two minutes
studleyqbeefpile [10:34 P.M.]: nope :D
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:34 P.M.]: :sigh:
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:34 P.M.]: oh well
studleyqbeefpile [10:35 P.M.]: guess so
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:35 P.M.]: rufus, you suck
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:35 P.M.]: and not even well, either!
studleyqbeefpile [10:35 P.M.]: im sorry
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:35 P.M.]: you really should be
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:35 P.M.]: some day
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:36 P.M.]: i hope you buy a toothrush or something
studleyqbeefpile [10:36 P.M.]: I have one though ; ;
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:36 P.M.]: liar
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:36 P.M.]: stop lying rufus
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: or we'll have to make an appointment with a therapist
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: this lying can't be healthy
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: just like your meat-grinding habit
studleyqbeefpile [10:37 P.M.]: but it is
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: it's a little weird
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: though kinky
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:37 P.M.]: i admit
studleyqbeefpile [10:41 P.M.]: thats kinda weird
studleyqbeefpile [10:41 P.M.]: o O
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:41 P.M.]: liek your mom
studleyqbeefpile [10:41 P.M.]: yep
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:41 P.M.]: alright
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:41 P.M.]: i have to go blow a foghorn
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: i'll be back in a few hours
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: but i won't be talking to you
studleyqbeefpile [10:42 P.M.]: thats nice to know
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: see ya !
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: i'm glad
studleyqbeefpile [10:42 P.M.]: nope
studleyqbeefpile [10:42 P.M.]: :D
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: jesus
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:42 P.M.]: don't smile again until you brush you teeth.
studleyqbeefpile [10:42 P.M.]: I do it to bug you
studleyqbeefpile [10:42 P.M.]: :D
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:43 P.M.]: i can't believe i actually had sex with you
IAMtheNEWcliche [10:43 P.M.]: :walks away:

ME: Feeling accomplished?
MARIA: Yes, yes.
ME: By how much?
MARIA: Like this much: :punches in face:
ME: That was absolutely unnecessary, now. I was attempting to be nice!
MARIA: Okay okay. I apologize.
ME: Start over?
MARIA: Mm..
ME: Feeli—
MARIA: I’m bored.
ME: I thought we were starting over! :stamps feet:
MARIA: Hey! Stop stamping my feet!
ME: Well their as much yours as mine, you know!
MARIA: :pulls out Rubber Spatula of Mass Destruction and stabs ME:
ME: WTF?! :bleeds:
MARIA: ZOMGZ, SO SRY! :unravels turban and wraps around ME in place of tourniquet:
ME: Schizo…
MARIA: :wraps tourniquet more tightly: I saved our life, you ungrateful brute.
ME: :mumbles unintelligible thanks through makeshift bandages:
MARIA: It’s okay. :pats head: At least we have ourself. :hugs ME:

Curtains close…

Okay, truly, I was just feeling accomplished because I finally updated something on Fictionpress. But this scene would have been nice.