Today has been such a good day, work is going so well. I got back last Monday and everyone was like 'we really missed you' and I was informed that I don't need to do a final asessment because I've been turning out brilliant cuts for the past few months, so next week I am on the floor, yessssss! It's been a long time coming, and I finally made it.
You ain't gonna bother me No more Nohow Love just goes so far No more Woke up this morining and found I didn't care for you No more Not now
Never felt so good before You're down to my size It's over and done So honey, step down from your throne That look in your eyes Don't bother me none Can take you or leave you alone
From my window Skys ain't grey No more Not now Here's the day That I've been waiting for Got only one heart One heart with no spares Must save it for loving Somebody who cares So you ain't gonna bother me No more, no more
Got only one heart One heart with no spares Must save it for loving Somebody who cares So you ain't gonna bother me No more, no more.
I feel so awake this morning it's incredible, I was thinking last night about this whole situation, and realised how little I have and do care. Was on the phone to Matt last night, we've been talking loads these past couple of days, he's such a sweetie. I met him on Mardi Gras, and since then he's started becoming a really good friend (he was on the phone to me while I was at the airport, keeping me awake, talking bollocks about GMTV and Trisha, thanks ;-) I feel free. I feel happy.
Like I've hocked up a really big ball of phlegm which was lodged at the back of my throat, that sort of physical relief.
Ani's new album 'Reprieve' is so incredible, it is the sort of album that you would want to hear at a time like this, very relevant. Cheers Ani!
Anyways, better be getting off, gotta get ready for work.
I used to hate it when people made decisions for me, but for once I am soooooo happy that someone else did.... My boyfriend broke up with me (something which I was expecting so it wasn't a shock at all) and to be quite honest, if he hadn't done it, I would have.... We couldn't go on the way we were, maybe we'll get on better as friends than we did as lovers. Who knows, all I know is that the world is my oyster, and I'm gonna savour it this time.
I cryed in the shower, tears taste sweeter when you can't tell if they are there. I feel trashed.
Maybe the morning light wasn't going to bring anything different to this shore, and adventure was a cock tease, cock please, I don't know what I know anymore. Nothing and everything in the same sentence.
Wow! what a night I've had.... Yesterday was Cardiff Mardi Gras, it was so good.... the atmosphere was brilliant, and on top of it all I made loads of new and lovely friends. I don't know what more to write, my brain feels rather pained this morning, and I'm knackered... Haven't danced so much in ages, I was a loony last night. I'll see if I can get some pictures posted.
Irael this and Israel that, I looked into the picture looked up and said 'nothing is real!' so maybe the low moan of the tv had something to do with it, the talk of boundries inspired me, for I have none, I know no 'no go' in this life, the touch, the talk, the everything about me. So, I was naked at the time and let it all hang out, I have no shame as my mother told me, so being naked was only apt for the occasion... the conclusion, you say what I do and don't say, perception is the key, the everything you see so give it a break and take a breath, maybe look at the picture and question whether anything is real!
KG
I've been having a mega day today, first I had to work and second I had to do this competition which was a shamble, but I don't feel like going much into that, I've talked it to death since it happened.
Jona went back to Gib this morning, it was weird to make up without him, I've grown attached, my heart literally aches whenever I see him leave, and i ask myself, is this love? I wonder whether such a question can exist, for surely one knows when one is 'in love', with him it's always been, so I don't know any different, I have always loved him, with my entirety, I've gravitated to him, from birth maybe? But I couldn't be happier, he makes me happy, he makes me think, most of all, I know he loves me, and I him. He once sent me this:
'My love for you is like the need for God, inexplicable yet vital'
This was some time last year, I've kept most all of the messages he has ever sent me.
Every day I want to come up with a new way to tell him that I love him, I search my depths for some other word, which may convey the weight of what I feel. Then I look into his eyes, and in some kind of cosmic understanding, he knows...
If i told you a secret about spacemen and chocolate, would you follow me into oblivion, would you follow me into the universe, If i told you the secret was ignorance, that no spacemen would arrive, would it make any sense, would it make any sense. - KG
Last night I was told that keys aren't keys, they are indeed 'charlies' Sitting in the living room with the low moan of jazz spreading its legs for ears and hearts, Charles Bukowski, house key, they told me, proud to be inventors of slang, My friends I told them, this is not a house, we are all written in song. So long long longing for a drag of a fag, singing merilly on my way, 'who art thou?' i asked the shadow crossing my way, 'hey it's just you', it replied. Is it just me, or am I a composite picture, made from many you's and many me's in this world, who made me, who is it that churns out that sweet sounding poetry perverting young minds to the truth, heroin, coccaine, poetry man, poetry, whisky, tobacco, poetry man, poetry.
Last night I tore up loads of my old writings, it felt so liberating.
I've been wanting to do it for a long time, I had this book filled with things, memories which had no more relevance, things which were keeping me back, stupid things, times when I was down, plus my writing was atrocious so I reckon it was the best thing to do. My old poetry and stories has always kept me attached to the past, even though it is something I have wanted to leave behind (not because I regret it, at the end of the day, all things which have happened have made me the person I am today). It was like constantly looking into a mirror and realising that maybe, just maybe, nothing had actually changed... the only thing whcih had changed was the scenery, not this time. So much has changed in me and around me that I just want to write till the cows come home, it's a sort of release, I no longer feel like I have to live up to my past. When I get back to Gibraltar, I have decided I am tearing up or giving away all of my old posessions (which my mother keeps as some sort of souvenir).
No more, Nohow!
rejuvenated
loved
awake
accomplished