school starts tomorrow. i'm actually kinda looking forward to it. it could quite possibly be the most miserable year of my life or I could end up swallowing hot coals. Either way, my fate is the same.
I went all the way back to the very first entry I made in this LJ; back in like, fuckin' 05! I read all the way up to recently and GODDAMN.
I remember now why I write in this thing; its like going back in time and reliving all those emotions from years ago. I also like seeing how immature I was :P And how mature I thought I was. I wonder if in a few years I'll look back at this and think "Oh my GOD, I was so immature!" D: That makes me a little insecure.
I was going to post a note on Facebook about this, but then people would read it. D:
I'm FUCKING sick of this "He said, she said" drama SHIT. I'm tired of being accused of "talking shit" when all I'm doing is talking to people (read: TWO of my friends) about how I feel; is that a crime? When I say "I'm upset with so and so because they did this." That's NOT being bitchy; that's being fucking human.
And another thing: Don't blame me for telling you how I feel. I'm sorry if I made you angry; what do you want me to do? Beg for forgiveness for telling you the truth, for once?
How many days until AFW? Toooo fuckin' lazy to count. Okay. Actually. 12 days. Whoooooooooo! :D :D I still need to get my ball outfit. Shit on a stick.
Spent the entire day with Brandon, just... drivin' places. Used like a whole fucking tank of gas but...oh well. Worth it.
EhwashafowhanaGAH.
Ugh. He's...
He's like Ashley all over again.. except not.
I remember when I thought about breaking up with Caitlin I was so scared. She was my whole world; she was my everything. But I knew it needed to end because it just.. it wasn't working. I knew it wasn't working. She knew it wasn't working. I was just.. in denial. But then Ashley came along. And it was like everything was right. She made the lonliness go away, she made everything seem brighter. She became my best friend; she became my everything. I loved her for that. I still love her...
And now she's going on her own way, doing her own thing without me... and that's great. I couldn't be happier for her. Thats all I've ever wanted for her, really... All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And before, I was what made her happy... but its not me anymore. And I just have to get used to that.
So now... it's him that's making the loneliness go away. It's him that makes everything right. He makes everything seem brighter and I realize that I'm not so alone, that I never really was. He's becoming my best friend, its almost like... he's taking her place.
I don't want that, I don't want anyone to get replaced, I really don't... but that's just how it's happening. And it's not... it's not like it was before, between us. It's not this empty infatuation anymore.. it's deeper than that. It's not love; and yet it is. Its just like her. Its more than friends but less than... less than something else. It's just like her...
crazy
amused