Ginger Bot

I can't believe I'm graduating college in 2 days. About time! I'm so excited and I can't wait. I'm mostly excited for my party...YEAAAAA

Hai! How is everyone?

My last semester starts up on TUESDAY and it's going to be by far the hardest. But I'm stoked to graduate so I just want to get going.

I love watching Celebrity Rehab way too much...


LATTAZ

Hi, loves! I dont know who still follows this, but if you do- it's still Casey. I changed my LJ name from "lavendereyes" to "mockingwords" because I made that name in the 10th grade and I dont like it anymore.

Also, I know I dont post much on here anymore. It's mostly just for posting in communities from now on!

I hope you all are well :)))

Damn. Summer went by fast....it was ridiculous, like always. I'm like, never on this thing anymore. Ever. I have too many online things to keep track of.

So this Assistant Camp Director thing is no joke. I almost thought it would be a breeze...but thats because the Asst Directors at Ledgewood did close to nothing and pretty much got more breaks than everyone else, and we're only in the units when absolutely needed or for coverage. Well I'm constantly on the go, I don't usually get breaks, and I am running around all day with a list that seems to always grow by the hour. It's almost weird, having so many people depend on me, and people seeking me out for help or because they have questions, or because they just need to talk because they're having a melt down. It was stressful at first and I was very overwhelmed. But I've fit in nicely now and all this work is second nature...I mean, I am running on very little sleep and I barely recognize myself in the mirror- but it's all worth it, you know? I'm going to always look back on this Summer and be so proud of myself. Not to mention I'm meeting friends who are amazing...people who'll I'll remember forever. It's hard, but its all worth it. So worth it! :)

Since I'm leaving for camp soon, I'm trying to load up my ipod as much as possible with new music to listen to over the duration of the Summer. However, I have only downloaded a few songs and can't think of much to download. It doesnt help I dont know a lot of new music because I only listen to whats already on my ipod, old CD's, and just music from my favorite artists that I already know. So, if anyone wanted to recommend certain songs they love, or favorite bands, or anything- it would be great! I love a lot of types of music...blues, mellow stuff, pop, country, it doesn't matter. I just need ideas, because I might be like "Oh, I forgot about that band!" becase I'm having a road block. Alright, thanks peeps!! Happy camping!

I try not to be a jealous person. Reallyyyyyy try. I mean, besides little shitty day-to-day dramas, I have a pretty good life. Friends I love, I actually get along with my family, I'm getting a great education...and even though my family has some financial problems (like pretty much everyone else) we get by...and they help me pay for my decent apartment. Anyway, I have but ONE dream. I mean, I have all the cliche dreams, like a perfect wedding and having cute litle kids...but I have one main dream. The one thing I want to do more than anything else, which I think about EVERY day, and the one thing I have to do before I die. Well, try to do anyway. That dream, for me, is traveling. Anywhere, everywhere....places where I'd be out of my comfort zone, where I dont know the culture at all, places that are different and unique and beautiful. I just want to learn, and expore, and appreciate other cultures and places. Back to the jealousy thing...I see everyday, people on my friends list who travel constantly, like its nothing. Friends going to Mexico, Greece, London, Germany, Hungary, Israel, Istanbul.....everywhere! How! How do people do that? They are all in college. It's just so unfair how these people, who go just to GO, have their rich family members pay for them to galavant around the world. Thats all I want to do, for good reasons...not just to party and be a jackass....and I'm stuck here. I'm not saying they all go just to party, but I dont think they realize what a big deal it is to travel, especially in times like these. I mean, I'd give ANYTHING just to go to England...I feel like everyone I know has been there. And people are just like, "Oh yea, I went last Summer, it was cool." It was cool??? Well its my fuckin dream, I'm glad it was "cool" for you. It sucks even more that I know so many people in so many different countries...but plane tickets are usually over a grand for over seas and even more money is required for travel while INSIDE that country of choice, and also food, souveneirs, whatever else. I just dwell on it all the time, how people can just GO to these places without much thinking. Stop taking your parents money for granted. It makes me sick. I guess being financially deprived has made me a little bitter. I mean, I have money for food and bills...but I dont get extra stuff. No nice car, no travel expenses (like other people), and I dont have family members that just fork over money. I've had to tap into my savings for this year because I dont have time for a job. I know I should be happy for what I have, and I am. I just wish others wouldnt take what they get for granted...and when they do get to do such amazing things, they shouldnt broadcast it all over the world and boast until they run out of breath or turn blue...not everyone has what you have. *Siiigghhh* I just know I'll never be able to do the one thing I want, and it makes me sad. Thats all! Just needed a moment to vent.

Going home is definitely an ego booster. I rarely do go to Akron anymore, so when I actually do, it's always a big deal. My mom cooks my favorite dishes that usually are only served on Holidays, my dad goes out and rents our favorite movies so we can have movie night, and my parents give my brother and I money so I can take him to the movie theatre. They fight for my attention...my Dad wants to know if I want to go to the golfing range to hit a bucket of balls and my Mom wants to go shopping, or for a walk with Beau, or to go get ice cream, etc. Every second Im home they tell me how much they miss me and how great it is when I'm there. My mom has hot tea waiting for me at night and hot breakfast in the morning...it's like a 5 star hotel. Not to mention my room has been completely refurbished...New paint, new decorations, new silk sheets and a fancy satin comforter with a bunch of matching pillows to boot. My mom felt bad about turning it into a "guest room" -but I insisted. I knew I would get the better end of the deal because my room would be completely fixed-up, and I was right. My moms great at that stuff. It's just weird...life used to be so hard. Everything was upside down..I was stressed, unhappy, and I pushed the ones I loved away. I was always in a bitchy mood and always had something to complain about. Ever since I eliminated certain aspects/habits/people out of my life...it's like night and day. I changed my major...now I have good grades and I love school. I got over (finally) the first guy I fell in love with, and fell in love with someone who treats me right, doesnt make me cry constantly, and makes me feel worth while. I got rid of two faced friends who I was never sure if they actually liked me, for friends who love me....actually love me, for just being ridiculous and stupid and nerdy. And it doesnt matter what books I like or movies I'm obsessed with or the decisions I make, friendship doesnt rotate around that anymore. It's based on trust and equal appreciation. Not lies, and pain, and whispered insults. I left a place which I thought I belonged...but I was holding onto the past. I found a new place with new fun experiences...and it doesnt involve deceit or tears...who knew? It was SO HARD to leave all of that. Places, friends...ideas I loved. Just left it. And now I'm completely different, and it shows- in the way I treat people, especially my family and close friends. I have a completely different attitude about life and I'm proud of myself, proud of the person I've become. What a trip.

My party last night was a lot of fun! Renee and her boyfriend drove from Toledo to see me! My cousins came, and a lot of other people who always make everything and I was SO happy to see (Aaron, Alex, JGibs, Kimmie...) and many more.

Unfortunately, it seems, every birthday I have someone who makes it...not what its supposed to be. I'm not completely selfish, I'm not saying everyone needs to bow down to me or treat me like a princess or anything. It's just the one day of a year I wish drama and rudeness could be put on hold. It's always so much to ask.

Luckily, I am blessed with a handful of people who make me feel good no matter how terrible my day is. They remind me what friendship is. They remind me that I am loved and cared for and always make me feel worthwhile.

Sam, June, Leigha, JJ, Aaron, Kelley.

I am so blessed for these people! Buddha believes to trust in nothing unless you yourself believe it- that it doesnt matter what other people believe. You should believe what you think, and feel, is right. And I know these friendsips and relationships may be few, but they mean so much to me. And I know I can always depend on those people. I am so happy on my birthday to know I will lways have these people.

There are 2 kinds of people. The kind of people who do bad things, and then the kind who see bad things happening but don't do anything to stop it.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't ever really be friends with any Ledgewood people anymore, not really. Maybe I'm childish for still not getting over that day. But does anyone really get over the worst day of their life? When your best friends tell you you're a mean, selfish person and they want nothing to do with you? I guess I still dwell. It hurts because I tried multiple times to make it up to them, make things better. Be there for them when they needed me, answered 4 am phone calls when they were upset, or just spent time with them, supported them in a time of change and important decision making. This is more than person I am discussing, also. Yet, after that, they still push me aside. More than a couple times we fell out, then became friends again. But I still tried. I'm an emotional cutter. Still trying to make things better with someone who obviously never wants to be my friend again...just because I cant stand someone being upset with me or being on bad terms. I just wanted to make things right, and I coudlnt, and that frustrated me to no end. What did I even truly do to make someone dislike me so much? Well, that's the first kind of person.

The second kind, is the rest of them. The rest of them, who watched me be insulted and as I listened to the cruel words and cried. Not one person stood up for me...just the Brits. They loved me, and couldnt believe someone was saying these things and punishing me for being hospitable and spending all my free time making sure they were having fun in America and doing everything they wanted to. But no one else, of people I had klnown for years....no one stood up for me. And when I see these people to this day I still think in the back of my head how cowardly they are. If anyone was ever mean to any of my friends I wouldnt listen to any of it for a second. I dont know how you can let someone just rip someone else apart, and simply watch. Just watch.

So, goodbye Ledgewood, and anyone who has worked there. I'm done trying to salvage friendships when you all have just made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I have made mistakes. I'm not completely innocent. But when I tried to right them, you still spit in my face. Good riddance.