mobsession

CW traumatic brain injury, discussion of death & grief, etc

 

So, about a month ago I started writing an entry about how I think I'm less bothered with the comment situation again & about starting a new job & how I think I'll be distracted/occupied for the next while, anyway...

Well, boy was I right about that...

Just like last time when I thought I'll be somewhat positively distracted, shit went downhill. This time, quite drastically.

I started my new job on June 8th & it's in a cafe that is quite specialized and the first of it's kind here & we had to get training by people who flew in just to train us, before we could open. (We opened halfway through the 3 weeks training so they could assist us in the beginning.)

On June 9th, my wife called me at work & told me she just got notice that her younger sister, 8 months pregnant, had an aneurism in the brain the night before. Her husband had to rescucitate her; gladly he was around to do that when it happened. They had to get the baby, because they had to induce a coma & pump her full of drugs.
It was a huge shock to everyone...

It was such a shock that I just felt dizzy for a few days & I think it was similar for my partner... Obviously we were all aware that this is a horrible situation, but I don't think anyone grasped how horrible it could become yet...
A few days later the hospital made a huge mistake, in telling us that the brain scans looked quite promising & making us think we could breathe easy and everything would be fine. (Later, after more hospitals were consulted by my partner's family, other doctors said so shortly after a huge brain bleed, brain scans are very unreliable & they don't understand why the hospital she was at got our hopes up so early.)

Two days after that the new information was basically "Welp oops, our bad, it looks terrible after all. Honestly most of her brain is mush, only the stem is fully intact. She'll likely die."
Of course not like that, but ... god, this was horrible. It was horrible for me, so horrible that when getting the news I was literally in the basement of my workplace crying loudly and screaming lines of denial, grasping at my hair & struggling to stand. This was a genuinely terrible experience.
I've had my fair share of losses in the family but at more appropriate ages & well, one of my little sister's made a very serious suicide attempt at 13 where she almost drowned & had hypothermia, which also shook me a lot, but getting news like this about someone younger than myself, someone incredibly lively, someone who married two years ago, bought a house last, had her life together... Someone we all wanted to visit soon to meet her newborn...
I can not even appropriately describe this & needless to say I'm bawling as I write it down & with how terrible this was, is, for me I can not ... and honestly do not even want to imagine how much worse it is for my partner. That's her younger sister who she loves...

Honestly, a lot of additional grief was also directed at my partner because well, the two of us are simply not the most mentally stable and I was so worried about her. Gladly we're both in therapy since a while, which is a great aid, and we have been through a lot of shit together, but I knew of course we'd have a hard and draining time coming up.

Anyway, miraculously, and this really is a miracle as far as everyone was concerned (her husband & her parents both went to consult different experts in addition to the doctors at the hospital where she was & every single one of them agreed that it was highly unlikely that she would survive once her medication was being discontinued, they all straight up said the family should prepare to say goodbye) she somehow survived this.

It's a really, really strange situation, because it was so very up and down. You are made to feel relief, followed by terrible news that crush you even more now that you've let your guard down. You are made to already discuss funeral matters & then she unexpectedly survives & well, then there's the complicated and uncomfortable feelings that come with someone surviving, but having a very questionable outlook on future life quality...

Before she survived, I was thinking okay, maybe the death they are telling us will come is more merciful... (assisted dying/euthanasia/however this is best called is illegal here) I didn't dare bring up the question if there is any chance of her somewhat recovering anymore even if she did survive, when such big parts of her brain are ... well, dead. This is still so terrible to say or think. This is horrible.

Then, when she survived I was so, so, so relieved and hopeful. My wife though, she was kind of ... numb about it, which I felt so bad for as well, but can fully understand. She was just extremely emotionally exhausted. She said she didn't dare to feel hopeful anymore and outright said she's terrified of getting her hopes up again for another bad news to hit.
Now, a bit later, she's started to cry occasionally because despite being afraid she does feel a bit hopeful and I think that fact in itself is hard for her to deal with... 

It's all just very messy and draining. I don't manage to be there for her as well as I'd like to, because the new and very exhausting work takes a lot of my energy. I've not properly worked since ... 2018, honestly. I've worked now and then since, but my last job was only 12 hours a week and before that I only worked occasional days alongside university, without a regular schedule at all. Now I started this job with a 6 day week, originally they wanted me to do full time of 44 hours +overtime when needed. Insane. On opening day we all worked nearly 10 hours, without a minute of break (which is against the law, but alas...) I switched to part time right away, to only 33hrs a week, 4 work days which should be far more manageable for me & slowly, things are calming down. (First weeks were terrible because everyone wants to have a try at the trendy new location & then complain that orders take half an hour to be done in the afternoon, because we had a queue long enough to go outside the door since 11am that hasn't let up since...)

Anyway, a week ago my wife's sister has been relocated to a rehab center, one with a very good reputation and my wife has already visited this new location too & said it makes a really good impression. She has started rehab this week, which, for someone in a vegetative state, means that they will work on giving her regular stimuli so the intact parts of her brain keep working and hopefully are able to recover a bit, as well as taking care of her muscles staying intact.
I've learned that vigilant coma isn't a super well researched thing, much is still unknown & that's why it's very hard to give any prognosis. Especially with young peple, because obviously, it's mostly older people who end up in a vegetative state. Literally, all that can be done now is for experts in the field to do their best, family & friends to visit her often & then see if something changes for the better.
It could be that she suffers a sudden stroke, which would probably kill her. It could be that she stays in vigilant coma forever. It could be that she improves well and wakes up again in a few months. Maybe in many years. If she ever wakes up again, it is completely unpredictable how she will be. How well the intact parts of her brain will be able to cope for the lost parts. Sometimes incredible things can happen and especially in young people occasionally they can recover well. Even in the best possible scenarios, she will have years of rehab ahead of her & likely have to relearn basic things like walking. And that's only the best case scenario. It could just as well be that she won't even recognize her own family, if she does wake up.

I'm still hopeful, I'm glad she survived, I want to think of her a lot and hold onto the foolish belief, that positive thoughts can have an influence because one of the most hard to endure things is the fact that we are all completely helpless and can't do shit to improve things. I need to lean into my mom-given esoteric beliefs a little here to stay sane. I am being greedy and after one miracle happened I'm asking for more miracles to happen and her to make it out of this with some life quality left. With enough awareness to meet her own daughter properly one day.

Speaking of which, the baby is fine, luckily. For being a month early she's surprisingly healthy, if tiny, and was able to go home with her dad quite early.

Well. Now that I finally had a moment to get this out somewhere, I better get to writing that fic for the exchange... I've had so little mind to think about ReiMob or, anything, really, the past month, I've been mostly working, crying & sleeping, not even eating properly... I really don't feel like it, but as the host, I also can't miss the deadline.

Ah, I'm also pretty sure our/my wife's crested gecko died sometime during all... I haven't seen him since about 3 weeks, which is far too long, but honestly I think we both just don't want to deal with that on top of everything right now & just keep leaving food and water for him... It's sad, but he was quite old (she got him well over a decade ago & he was already several years old back then, they were unsure exactly how many) and had started to refuse food shortly before all this, so it's not really surprising...