Daring Spirit

Damn! January just seem to have flown by!

Hmmm...my classes I'm taking thus far: Cinema 100 (Art of the Cinema), Anthropology 110 (Introduction to Archaeology), Philosophy 101(Reality and Knowledge), Theatre 116 (Scene Study), Oceanography 101, and a self-study Math class again. And yes, I am swamped, bombarded, buried under piles upon piles of homework, fresh wounds from heartbreak leaving me with a non-existent love life and dreading the approaching Valentine's Day , and a continuously, constantly deteriorating social life! Plus, I've contracted the flu virus and was sick the whole of last week! Honestly, I've got to find some way to get back in the game!

According to my friend, I have an interesting life, which involves me having quite the weekend, though I hardly think being kissed by a gay guy could qualify as being even remotely interesting. It was on the cheek, mind you, but it was only after that that I realized he was straight or metrosexual at any rate. He was dressed reallly well in Abercrombie gear, he had feminine mannerisms, and he also thinks that every girl is beautiful in their own way. What am I supposed to think?

Well, I recently joined Singles For Christ, which is a church group part of the Christian Life Program at Mira Mesa. I was recruited by Ron, one of my former Tagalog classmates from school, and I invited Andrea to come with me so I wouldn't be alone, and WE ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! We've only been to two meetings so far but the people there are extremely nice and friendly that we both felt so warmly welcomed there. The majority of people there are also Filipino, so it's kind of funny how much I felt like I was back in the Philippines. The session is from 6:30pm-9:30pm every Friday night. At the end, we all go either in several small groups or just one huge group to eat somewhere near the area. Last week it was at Island's, and I ended up sleeping over at Andrea's place because it was late at night and I didn't feel like waking up anyone when I got home. 

Actually before joining SFC, Ron was making a movie and wanted to know if I could help. And I said sure, I would help. Of course something went awry when another friend of mine told him I was a theatre major (or at least taking my prerequisites to major in that area). So not only am I helping his playwright write the script, I'm doing technical, co-directing, and possibly acting as well. This was so not in my contract! Well, I just met the writer last Saturday, but instead of talking about the movie we ended up eating mussels and playing card games with Ron, Art, and Jescelle. Hee hee, I really had an awkward weekend.

So yeah, I've been a bit busy these past few weeks. And now Valentine's Day is coming up. Ugh. I'm not anti-Valentine's or anything, but it's one of those days in particular that make you realize how alone you are. It's also one of those days where you feel a powerful urge to hug someone! Hee hee, but I get that urge all the time and it's never been a problem to find someone to hug! BUT I DEMAND DARK CHOCOLATE! VALENTINE'S DAY IS A PERFECT EXCUSE TO RECEIVE DARK CHOCOLATE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*ahem* Okay...moving on.

Anyway this is a quote I just wanted to share because I believe it to be very true:

We all want to fall in love. Why?
Because that experience makes us feel completely alive,
Where every sense is heightened,
And every emotion is magnified,
Our everday reality is shattered,
and we are flung into the heavens.

It may only last a moment,
An hour, or an afternoon,
But that doesn't dimnish its value,
Because we are left with memories that we treasure
For the rest of our lives.

- From the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces

 
~ Mjade

And  yes, my miserable holidays have come to a close.

Okay, okay, I know I said that I was looking forward for the end of the holidays,  that I actually wanted to go back to school as soon as possible because I couldn't stand doing nothing anymore....but, now... well, I'm actually dreading having a schedule again. And it's not just because of the mountains of work and sleepless nights up ahead, having to figure out a way to get to all my classes without getting lost on campus, or the fact that I have to make new friends all over again since classes change each semester but...I don't know what it is exactly.

I want to go back to school, but at the same time I am really REALLY hesitant. And I have no clue why.

Let's just say, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. Normally, that would be a bad thing....but as strange as it sounds and I know it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but it's not necessarily a.....well, a bad feeling. I don't want to say it's good either, because obviously it isn't, so let's just call it neutral or debateable for now. Whatever works.

Before the first semester and a few entries ago, I was looking forward to getting back because I had a good feeling about the first five months into my second term in college. Of course, I didn't know what it would entail exactly but I was up for anything. It turned out to be quite a good and interesting semester...until it ended that is. And even then,  it wasn't a good or happy ending...it was those sort of open endings that has no real closure, which I REALLY dislike when watching a movie. Something is not settled, something is not okay, something has loose ends that needs to be tied. Problem: find the loose end.

Right now, I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if it's purely out of fear or anything, since I never was truly scared of the unknown...I think maybe, that it's sort of hard to come to terms with certain things and difficult to face certain people. I enjoy not knowing what's up ahead because it makes life interesting, but when you have an uneasy feeling...it's hard NOT to worry.

Which is probably the reason I am breaking-out the same way like I did back when I was fourteen years old. Stress is a killer and I haven't even started school yet. And I've been thinking and overanalyzing my issues, which I now believe is a dangerous pastime, and just being so self-absorbed that I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, so I have to stop.

Luckily, I've been going out a lot this past week. My friends are truly the best people someone like me could have.  I went out job-hunting with a girl friend two Saturdays ago, I met up with some people in Starbucks and Ihop in hopes to gain a few pounds before school, and a friend invited me out to the movies to watch Night At the Museum, which was utterly hilarious. Ben Stiller and Robin Williams are awesome! But even with that, out with all of them, I still keep thinking about the one person I really should not be thinking too much about. What good would it be to keep dwelling on something you never quite had?

So since college starts tomorrow, I'm in a worrisome dispostion. Hopefully, if all things go according to plan today, I may be able to distract myself by driving out to Oceanside near the harbor (that or going to Applebee's to gain more weight) just to hang out with some people for a while to sort of "celebrate" the end of the holidays, if it could be called a celebration that is.

Don't mean to be a pain or  to sound overly self-absorbed, but I just needed to rant, but that's done now. I'm signing off!


~ Mjade

And here we welcome....

THE NEW YEAR!!!!! GO 2007!

Hee hee! I can honestly say I didn't see this coming!

That's Captain Jack Sparrow to you. Just hearing the sound of your name is enough to send a chill up the spine of good, law-abiding colonials. Well, not so much a chill up the spine, but it's very likely to get them rolling their eyes, at least. Fever-addled and nonsensical at first appearance, your wits-- and the healthiest dose of luck on the Spanish Main-- keep you afloat no matter what life throws at you. Unless the rum's gone.

Which Pirates of The Caribbean Character Are You?
Find out at Shiver My Timber-- A Pirate RPG

Oh, Jack...tsk, tsk, tsk! What? Taking this quiz seemed like the right  thing to do seeing as I got the POTC 2 DVD for Christmas and just watched it again two nights ago! Drink up matey, yo ho!


Happy New Year! May This Be A Time To Start Anew! All My Best To Everyone!


~ Mjade

And another year has come and gone...

Dear Friend,

I actually have the time to update my lj on Christmas...that's all I need to say.

Christmas Eve wasn't so bad as I expected it to be. Aside from the fact that I have dulled senses because of my cold and my numerous coughing fits, attending the Christmas mass an hour and half early before the service actually started, and being dragged back to San Marcos in an uncomfortable 50 minute drive, things didn't end too badly.  

That's not to say I wasn't depressed. Because being lonely and sad is a horrible feeling to have during Christmas (and I feel awful for feeling that way) and I've tried desperately to shake it off for the past couple of days but to no avail. It's still strange, because I wasn't alone this Christmas...well, not physically anyway. I'm just glad my mom called me up from the Philippines and I got to talk to Gem, my cousin, and it made me feel slightly better. I miss them so much that it's not even funny...hopefully next year, I'll get lucky.

Presents seemed to cheer me up this time though. Not that anyone is really intersted but this is what I got:

1. Wrapped in a Proactiv Solution box, I found the one thing I've been wanting desperately since it came out: THE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN 2: Dead Man's Chest DVD! From my Aunt and Uncle in San Marcos.
2. From Alexis, my cousin, I got this really revealing halter top from Silhoutte, which is not something I would willingly wear, but it's really stylish. So as soon as I find a jacket to match it, I'll wear it.
3. From Audrey, Alexis' sister, I got a long sleeve shirt this time, which is perfect for this time of the year.
4. And then from my Aunt and Uncle in Chula Vista, I got two shirts (one long sleeved and one short sleeved) from American Eagle. Loved them both.

So anyway, the presents weren't a dissapointment, but that is no where near the reason I look forward to the Christmas holiday. It's about going to Baguio, where all the family is....but I couldn't be there this year.

Back home, I usually hated receiving and opening presents time because that meant it was almost time for everybody to go home. I had so much fun at the family party, it was really hard to part ways. Fortunately, after going home at 4:30 am and waking up at 11:00 am, we prepared for the actual Christmas day party, where we just go around town to Camp John Hay, or Burnham Park, or wherever we could find a place to have a holiday picnic with family.

Well, at least that's what I would be doing were I back home.

Here in the states, I was invited to a Christmas Party where I was forced to play scorekeeper and judge for a crowd of rowdy adults playing charades or what the game called itself : "Guesstures." And these were adults over 30 for crying out loud! For once, I felt very mature compared to them. I've been asked several times by them whether I was American, Russian, or Persian......ugh, can no one get it through their heads that I AM IN FACT A FILIPINO! Well, with 1/4 Irish blood.....but honestly come on. If you hear me speaking in Taglish, that's proof enough.

So yes, that's Christmas for me this year. My first Christmas in the states, and I'm miserable. I tried to be optimistic, I tried not to think too hard about things that has happened to me throughout the year, trying to block out the bad memories with good ones. It worked....but only temporarily, and now I am back here in Chula Vista distracting myself with a Rubik's cube. If Will Smith can do it in Pursuit of Happyness there is no reason why I can't do the same! 

So yes: 

A HAPPY AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

And here I am, signing off with one of my favorite Christmas songs (I'm very odd, get used to it):

 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here were are as in olden days,
happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more.

Through the years we all will be together,
if the Fates allow.
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.


~ Mjade

 

Sadly, the holiday cheer has not yet caught up with me.

I'm not trying to be cynical, not trying to be ungrateful, nor am I trying to ruin anyone's happy mood or Christmas spirit (I would never hope for something like that on anyone)...but unfortunately, I am not in the highest of spirits right now. You'd think that now that the finals are over, school is out, and the holidays have started...I'd be ecstatic. Apparently, that is not the case. I'm rather depressed, which is a strange and very odd feeling for me. For one thing, I'm usually quite optimistic and enjoy smiling a great deal, and for another thing no work, no school.....but then again, no friends either, nothing much to look forward to, and I haven't genuinenly smiled for weeks. And of course there is that thing I just can't deal with: I CAN'T STAND DOING NOTHING!

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. It was my favorite time of the year and my favorite holiday. It beats Valentine's, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and even my birthday. Why? Because I get to go back home where I grew up, I get to spend time with my family where I belong, and I get to feel happy without any sort of remorse or regret....however, this year it's different. 

I don't have enough money to fly home, I have to spend time with my other relatives yet I don't feel like a part of them, and the happiness I usually feel during Christmas is withering away from me. Instead it is replaced with my being ill and suffering from the flu virus. It may not be a happy Christmas for me, but I won't put a damper on anyone else's.  All I have to do is count my blessings and dream about home, for that's where my heart is.


I'll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams... 

 
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That is really the only thing I wanted this Christmas. I wanted to go home.... but when I realized I couldn't , I decided it wasn't so bad. Because I had a friend close by that I could always talk to...however, three days before the semester was officially over, he ended whatever there was between us and that's that. Of course, I could find comfort elsewhere but even my other friends who are staying for Christmas are busy with the festivities and I don't feel good burdening them about my problems...it just wouldnt be right.

I should not feel this way because Christmas has a deeper meaning than what we normally think of when we hear about it. In a way, the Christmas holiday also represents a sense of harmony, belonginess, and tells us that we are never really alone, for the ones who love us never truly leave us. 

 

Wise Words

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. 

If you think that the world means nothing, think again. You might mean the world to someone else.


~ Mjade

And the horror continues...

MY VOICE IS BACK!!! Oh, did I mention I was sick last night? Well I was and I thought I was losing my voice. But I woke up this morning and lo and behold, I HAVE A VOICE!!!! Hooray! It's important that I have it today because, aside from the fact that I like to talk a lot, I have my Musical Theatre final in an hour and, yes, singing is a BIG part of it. I had to learn this song called "Give My Regards To Broadway" in a span of two days, and it's not that easy (believe me) considering I have never heard the song before and I'm a bit rusty in sight-reading. I can read notes, but actually finding them on a vocal scale, er........

Anyhow, we all have solos and that's why it scares the hell out of me. I love Miss Mary, my vocal teacher, and all but I was stupid to think that after hearing me sing "On My Own" from Le Miz, she'd cut me some slack. BUT NO! Clearly that was not going to happen since she gave me a solo with all these freaking high notes! It's not that I can't reach them or anything, but if I could have been given an alto part it wouldn't put too much strain (or added unnecessary stress) on me. I'm a soprano, yes, but I'm a soprano two bordering on an alto one. Oh who am I kidding, as if I know how to sing!

Then there is the Math 60 final! Which I am so going to fail! I am not being negative, I am being realistic. Think about it! I am struggling through seven subjects, 25 units, studying for my other finals, physically bruising myself from dance rehearsals, and going through emotional turmoil, is it really so hard to believe that I am behind in Math? And considering this is an independent study with no outside help at all, I'm proud of what I've managed to do. But I know I'm not going to be proud about failing the final. NOOOOO!

After the exam:

Okay, I'm going to be perfectly honest on how my Musical Theatre Exam went.............BUT I COULD SING! Not spectacularly, that much is certain, but it seemed to have been good enough for three of my teachers Miss Mary (Vocal), Miss Sue (Dance), and Miss Dana (Acting). They didn't sound dissapointed at all! And I managed to remember the choreography for the dance, Harrigan. At least there is something I can do! Man, but Kyle (one of my theatre classmates) was distracting! He kept making all these very flashy, flirtatious, feminine gestures when people were doing there solos for another song called "Yankee Doodle Dandy." Kyle's an awesome but crazy, strange guy, and the song couldn't have been any stranger too. Hee hee! Man, am I going to miss these people!

Math 60....uh...I don't think you want to know. However, it wasn't as impossible as I thought it would be. Doesn't necessarily mean I passed with flying colors! That's because some people have the worst timing in the world! Right before my exam, I experienced a horrible break-up from a guy I was not even dating nor were we officially together! It's a long story. A really long and complicated story. However, he said that he can't be my friend or anything more than that because apparently, I'm a hindrance and a temptation. I mean, what is that? But strangely enough, in the midst of doing all these quadratic functions on the math exam I had an epiphany! If I am surviving two agonizing heartbreaks from the same exact person in a ridiculously short interval of time...heck, I can sure as hell handle anything. Regardless of how much it hurts, I have at least learned a lot. So I have no regrets about meeting him nor do I hate him or am plotting several scenarios on how to make him miserable. I'm just not that kind of person. Besides, it's me. I'll get over it.

What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger!

---

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Moments and memories...some forbidden but none forgotten.


~ Mjade

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FINALS WEEK! That's it, I'm writing up my will now!

Okay, this is really annoying. I did my dance final last week, causing my whole body (mostly my back and my upper thighs) to go completely numb from the pain, watch the Winter Dance Concert while freezing my butt off, recovered from my sore legs only to fall down a flight of stairs the next day causing my back some unnecessary pain, finish writing my Dance and Theatre Critique then to find out I couldn't send it via email on the deadline coz my internet connection failed me. And now I have a Tagalog Final that I haven't yet studied for.




After the exam:

Okay it wasn't so bad and I think I did well considering I didn't study at all because of my crazy, extremely awkward weekend. I have decided now to avoid anyone with the name "Joe". People with that name are just WAY TOO FRIENDLY towards me. It's not everyday you get asked to slow dance and offered a foot massage by two different people with the same name.

Anyway, *ahem* yes getting back on track. It was a three-part exam. There was the scantron/multiple choice part with 70+ questions, then a random quiz about one chapter in the book, depending on what number you drew from a basket, and then there was the oral part where you had to carry on a conversation in strict Tagalog. I wasn't too worried about that since my classmates were grading us.

Anyway, when we had our 10 minute break I was so happy Audrey had lent me her digital camera. I had to take pictures of all my friends! Oh man, I'm so going to miss them like crazy! They were awesome! Pinoy class rules!

---

Hee Hee, fun times fun times!


~ Mjade

I only seem to find time to update on special occasions and holidays...yup, homework is a hazard.

Once again, I got pulled away from San Marcos to my Uncle in Chula Vista and spent the morning cleaning his house, since the rest of our ten member family in Cali are coming  to celebrate Thanksgiving tonight. This is my second time officially celebrating this occasion, after moving from my previous home last year. So, let's just say I'm determined to gain a few pounds after the fifteen pounds I've lost since I came here, and the additional five pounds I lost due to emotional turmoil.

Right now, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I've been so stressed out lately, school projects, presentations, rehearsing for my monologue performance this Tuesday,  catching up with my homework for my math self-study, trying my ultimate best to stay awake during Biology class, dealing with unreliable group partners, desperately searching for a decent topic for my research essay, maintaining my 3.42 GPA and applying to different universities so I can transfer next year. According to my friends, Andrea and Aidin, I won't have problem getting in....but no one can be too sure.

Hopefully, just wait for the night to come and be gone with. Usually, if I was in my energetic, optimistic, and cheerful state I'd probably go crazy from doing nothing but thinking. However, thinking has been a bit exhausting lately. Honestly, my friends keep telling me I think too much, I overanalyze too much, and I'm probably losing my mind. And  I can't say they're wrong. But I know I can get through this, and I will find a way to get over it, just  not right now.

Before I get too personal on my part, I just want to wish everybody who comes across this entry a

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

~ Mjade

All Hallow's Eve...


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!


Finally! For once I've been detained from updating my journal from other things other than schoolwork!

Before you go on reading (and since I'm too lazy to put this behind an lj-cut), if you gotten through the first sentence that is, this is strictly just what I have been doing for the past two weekends, so it may not be the most interesting thing in the world, but if you got some free time on your hands by all means read on. 

So yes, just last week I was invited to my friend, Andrea's, nineteenth birthday party. Well, it wasn't a party per se, more of a kick-back kind of thing. There was a bonfire at her backyard and, to my utter surprise, no one had a bottle of beer in hand. I mean, these were college kids for pete's sake. Why wouldn't I expect that? It turns out though, they actually had hooka or hookas (whatever you want to call it), which I had no idea what it was until that very day or rather, night. Flavored smoke? Does that sound anyway appealing to you? So no, I did not try it despite the fact that it was non-addictive. Regardless, I actually had fun just talking to my friends and meeting Andrea's other friends. They were kind of funny, hyper, and weird which, strangely enough, I liked. However, for once in well, believe it or not, this was the first time, I had a bloody curfew at eleven because my uncle had to bring me home, since my car was being used by my aunt. So luckily, well I don't know if it's luckily or not, I missed the jacuzzi part at midnight, but before I left I did catch a glimpse of half-naked guy who started an hour too early. Hee hee! 

The next day, on Saturday, I was semi-invited to watch my friend sing at this Italian restaurant somewhere in Escondido called Dominic's. And yes, that is his job. He sings on the weekends from 5pm to 9pm and gets paid around $9 an hour. And DAMN! CAN THAT GUY SING! I mean, these aren't just any songs! Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra music may not be the most popular genre for people in my age range but, thanks to my dad, I kind of grew up with it and enjoyed every minute! I mean, come on, how many eighteen year old guys sings songs like that anymore? He was awesome! 

                

I brought my uncle and cousin along to watch and meet him as well. They were very impressed and not only with the fact that he could sing. They started telling me "good catch!" Man, I didnt bring them there to assess my friend and I wasn't advertising him in anyway. I invited them coz I wanted company! But yeah, he's quite respectful and friendly and I think my Uncle wanted to adopt him. But both my cousin and Uncle seemed hellbent on embarassing me! For one thing, they asked if he could serenade me!  I mean, what the hell is that? It took forever to explain to them that my friend and I were just that! FRIENDS! Coz seriously, there is nothing going on! Honestly! Anyway he sang That's Amore, Summer Wind, and my personal favorite, Fly Me To The Moon! Hee hee! I guess I have my own Michael Buble!

And then it's back to my boring, uneventful daily life, which I am familiar with. It was a fun weekend though!. Now since it's Halloween, Joe, one of my friends from English 202, kept draping his arm around me while wearing this rather terrifying mask and black robe, and I was trying desperately to get away. It's actually really funny, now that I think about it! Hee hee! But no, I'm not dressing up tonight nor am I going trick or treating. I know I must sound like the most unspirited person ever but I really don't have the cash to buy a costume! My friends from Escondido are all going to dress up in this lingerie costumes and I wasn't too keen on that! So I said, I'll pass!

But anyway, before I sign off here:  HAPPY  HALLOWEEN!


~ Mjade