Countdown to self-destruct

cannot live without cheeseburgers

cannot stomach meatloaf

Talked to my ex last night for a long time. He is infinitely interested in himself. This doesn't surprise me...this is the "R" I know and remember. The one who sat with his computer in the middle of the living room as the "world" revolved around him...never spending time with me....

sun evening....sitting in my apt alone. its pretty wonderful. texted M.R. and HH to see if anyone wants to go have a drink. Might hook up with G later. Had a horrible situation at work this last week with drug logs.

I need to get back on my workout kick. Ever since i went on my Fl trip,,,,i haven't been able to get back into the swing of things.

I finally moved into my new apt today. Thing is...George really appears to have changed. He is more outgoing, spontaneous...all the things I've wanted. He really seems sincere...he has even joined an organization on his own that he's been wanting to do. Last night, we had such a great time and talked about kids and such. We went and looked at furniture...he said whatever we buy, he hopes it all ends up at the same place. I wanted to cancel the move and put my engagement ring back on. I didn't, though. I was laying in bed thinking how wonderful it'll be to have it all to myself! My own space again. Funny how when I am single, I dream of having a man....when I have a man, I dream of being single. The main thing George has to prove to me is that he is who he says he is.....and the kids thing,,,,he needs to go get checked.....I do, too.

Feeling drained. I feel sick, haven't been to gym in 2 weeks, feeling very guilty. I have so much on my plate, though. Had a great time in Fl recently. Got a raise at work.

I recently interviewed for a sales position with a pharm company. I wasn't even interested but my friend talked and talked and finally talked me into it. Then I found out how much it paid, almost twice as much as what I am making. I felt heavily pursued by my friend and the hiring chick, but there were many many who applied and I didn't get it. Now I feel shitty. I wish she hadn't even mentioned the fucking job. It had me thinking of all that money.

Good news.....being sent to TAMPA for the AAHA conference....yeah! I'll be there March 26th-30th.

I am very excited, I am going to the state vet tech assoc meeting tom. It is a 3 hr drive, but worth it.

I have decided to go to the AAHA conference in TAMPA in March! I am excited to go back....

I am thinking of leaving George. I care about him, but I just don't see kids and the white picket fence that I want. The only future I see is right here in this small ass condo, childless, never leaving Fresno. I cannot do this. I cannot bear the thought of waking up 10 years from now in this place.

Here's the thing....I am so scared. I am all those things I never wanted to be. Scared I won't be able to find another guy, scared to be alone, scared I won't be able to pay for my expenses......

I have had a headache and am now dizzy on and off. I worked all day, but by the end of my shift I was not myself. I hate working like that, because I am scared I will make a mistake.

Had a great massage yesterday.....but it sucks working the whole weekend.....then I have to sub all week after work.

G is so sweet, taking care of me while I don't feel well, I even got a foot rub!

The clinic I work at is lacking in progressive dvms.....there is a well known vet that works in the area, doing very exciting stuff. Problem is, the vet's clinic is a corporate hospital and I have a lot of apprehension with this..... So, what is better, doing great medicine with questionable management or being comfortable at where I am doing so-so medicine? I cannot apply for the aveccts exam at the clinic i am at now.