misshannah's depths

We lasted almost 9 years. I bet if there had been kids we would have hung in there longer. The mid-life crisis suffered by my spouse seemed like the end of my world, but it was actually for the best. I love not having to take anyone else into consideration. I've never denied my selfishness, and here it is again.

Tonight I met a dude from an online dating site. I have tried to make it clear to people on that site that I'm not actually looking for anything other than friendship, so that makes it nice and low pressure.

It was very comfortable, so I'm not that worried about my future in terms of connecting with people. I think I'll be fine, fat as I am.

I have not had a journally outlet for a long long time. Sometimes pen and paper are better, and sometimes compu is better. We'll see how this goes.

I gave up writing in this journal quite a while ago. If you are interested in following my sporadic updates, you can find me at vox.com. I go by hannahbee.

There's a lot of potential for wasting time on the internets. I know. And here's one more: a message board where the thotful and snarky and sincere and friendly all meet to slack off and share some web 2.0 time. It's where the neat meet to bleat. Sometimes elite, sometimes effete, sometimes Pete (if a guy named Pete registers), it's all there at The People's Republic of Aimless Chatter: Chatter

Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you

My favorite part of Maundy Thursday is the washing of the feet. Whatever anyone else thinks of God, or Jesus, or even Paul, this day reminds me of the ideals of loving without hypocrisy and selfishness, of humility and compassion, of delighting in honoring others; those ideals are worth striving for.


Romans 12
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Hm, sometimes I read my friends page and get depressed because everyone's doing interesting and enviable things like taking classes and being on the radio and actively participating in politics and working in Europe and writing novels and exercising and cooking and all that.

But there's nothing except Ennui stopping me. I hate Ennui, she's such a bitch!

We're moving away from Las Vegas. I am so happy. I haven't decided when and what to write about it, or if at all. And I don't know if I stopped journaling because of happiness and contentedness, or because of a dulled creative spark and smashed down aspirations.

I guess we'll see when we get the hell out of here.

The dog has learned that he gets attention from me, good or bad, by whining whining whining. That's also how he indicates he needs to go out to "evacuate" his "bladder" or "bowel." So, I'm torn between ignoring him completely, yelling at him to stop whining at me and to "get" (this, said in a very stern voice, causes him great shame; he hangs his head all hang-dog [ha ha] and "gets" to about one foot farther away than he was before I told him to "get"), and getting up to take him out every time he sits by the door and whines. He does this all this whining mostly when I'm on the computer. I've never seen him do it to teh B, but that's probably because if I'm here and B is here on the computer, the Merlin is usually with me wherever I am in the A.P.T. Ah, he just did the other weird thing he does, which is get fed up with me ignoring him, so he goes up and scratches something that will make a noise. He scratched a brown paper bag by the door. I don't know what's in that bag, I think stuff from a car cleanout.

I delicioused a link I saw here: popurls -- on meal planning. But then when I went to the site, it sucked and I cannot in good conscience recommend it. But I didn't care enough to figure out if there's a way to undelicious it. I mean, I deleted it from MY bookmarks, but even the add I originally made pushed it higher on the list. I was suckered by manufactured buzz.

Last year teh B & I gave up fancy eats for Lent. This year: the news! Especially, but not limited to: Politics!

My journal is now Friends-Only. If you've been reading it on the sly, gwan ahead and make you a livejournal name! Then you can comment here and we can adds each other.

Robert Anton Wilson died yesterday. I didn't know until I read it in the handy-dandy Notes of Chaos linx. I feel that I should have somehow known. I am not some big fan of RAW, nor have I read very much of his writing. I have, however, read enough. Back in, oh, say, 1998 or early 1999, I was reading Masks of the Illuminati, a book I had "borrowed" from the back room of a metaphysical bookstore I worked at when I lived in Denver. When I was reading it, though, I lived in Michigan. Oops, I'll be sure to send that back ASAP!

Anyway, I didn't read all of it. Or a lot of it. It was kind of over my head. I read enough, though, especially RAW's views on agnosticism and intellectual honesty to have one of those weird life-changing epiphanies that you don't recognize until later. Back then I was a hard atheist. I didn't believe in any supernatural -- no gods, no ghosts, no ESP or psychics, no angels or forces, no hell, no tree magic, no crystal powers, no nothin. And it wasn't just that I didn't believe. I knew. Just like I knew that anyone who did believe was deluded (at best) or just plain weak. And then I read about real agnosticism. How it's arrogant and the death of thought to cling to any such belief, including atheism. How acknowledging that I can't know what I insisted I knew was the only intellectually honest position I could hold. So, with that, I gave up atheism and became a hard agnostic. I couldn't know, but neither could anyone else.

Oddly enough, that final caveat didn't change the fact that giving up my hard atheism opened some kind of door in my.....self. By even allowing for the possibility of the supernatural or the divine, I believe I allowed the power of God, of supernatural love or whatever, to enter and heal me. Today I feel the Spirit, hokey as it sounds, and for that I have Robert Anton Wilson to thank! I wonder if he knows that, now that he's on the other side and his knowledge and understanding are not impeded by the limitations of brain and body. I wonder if it's what he thought it would be.

Also from RAW, The 23 Enigma. If you've never noticed it before, trust me, you will now.