LadyFingers

so I'm back! not been on here for a while and I suppose a lot has happened since my last update.

I broke up with Jay last month, I finally did the hardest thing & admitted to myself that I had fallen out of love with him and our circumstances had just got too much for me to have to keep dealing with. As far as people are concerned that he has spoken to, i'm a bitch and a whore. it was ALL my fault he had a nervous breakdown and it was ALL my fault that he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia so now I'm just a total cunt for breaking up with him.
but noone else had to deal with that/him on a daily basis, all the abuse and violent outbreaks for almost 4 years. I tried ending it countless times before but I was never strong enough to see it through & to break his hold over me; but I can't take this anymore so this time, if I want to keep what little sanity and anything of my self I have left, i have to stick to it.

Apparently we're still friends (when it suits him) and he's still living with me (because he refuses to leave), but after last night - i really dont know how much longer I can be a friend to him, he said a lot of things to me that I wont repeat; he may not have meant them - but it was bad enough that he said them and has time and time before. I think he means every word, so as of now, I've had to emotionally detach myself as much as possible; I'll be civil, I'll even be nice - i just dont really want much to do with him now. I cant. As soon as he sorts himself and goes, I hope that will be it. I can't take any more.

So I have a lot of shit going around my head right now and i'm not in the best of places - and I really do wish I could just disappear. but i'll sort myself out, I always do! lol

so, gimme a bit of time and expect the old style K to come back with a bang!

Woooo I'm alive & still remember my LJ password. Amazing!

Soooo....

I was offered to do some stupid documentry thing. they wanted to film me wearing "madonna clothes" with my "madonna things" in my room for like 5 hours. I have the albums, I'm not an obsessive freak. why would I possibly EVER want to shame myself that much? so gave that one a miss, along with the radio interview I was supposed to do for JoJo's. hmmmmmm what else? errrrr I'm selling all my shit on ebay again. and again - the freaks come out. but on the plus side, some perv does want to buy my dirty knicks for a £10 (NO i wasnt selling them on ebay! he/she/whatever contacted me about a t-shirt!) but i'm used to such behavior now.

I FINALLY got promoted at work (customs) only took them 6 years (and a discrimination charge, tho i'm surrre that had nothing to do with me getting it!).

and...
i've lost weight! - mainly from my my tits, so you can all just call me miss baggy bra

Fabulous!

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The truth is - I havent come across a designer or a pair of heels that have really screamed at me - for a LONG LONG time....

.. And then, this happened - http://www.gianmarcolorenzi.com/

I can actually feel myself getting moist.
not that I'll ever be able to afford a pair - or even know where to buy them if I could; But not only are they to die for - they come in my size (apparently!)

So today was fun - I was booked into see the local psychiatrist. I cant afford to see RR anymore at £90 for 1/2 hr sessions, so I have to give the NHS route a try.

I turned up early - just to find out they made a mistake! - at first they couldnt even find my details and told me i didnt have an apt, so i showed them the letter they sent me, so I had to sit and wait while they tarted about....

A younger version of waynetta slob was sat opposite me in her lovely tracksuit and greased back hair that looked like it hadnt been washed this side of the millenium, strangley was giving me evils, maybe her gold hoops where too heavy and thats what all the frowning was about??
but thats not where the fun stopped, oh no!! I also had the pleasure of having 3 dirty old pervy guys staring at me, which made me feel a little uneased to be honest - 3 guys just staring at you, rarely taking their eyes off of you; one making random noises and banging his chair, and another one dribbeling and occassionally touching himself (- places that should only be fondled in private!) and the other one looked like he was a lumberjack, just missing his axe (luckily!) - sure they have 'mental health' issues, but I didn't particulary feel comfortable or even that safe.

...So after waiting for about an hour it turns out they double booked my appointment, so i only got to see the doc for 5 mins so i have to go back again next week. Cant wait!!

Now i know why I went private in the first place! FFS!! I'm TS - not a sodding window licker!
That may sound horrible, I really don't mean it spitefully, but this place is for mental health - there isn't anything wrong with me 'mentally'; So it just pisses me off because i need them to refer me on, which their not even sure if they can get the funding for. So at the moment - I just kinda feel like I'm pissing in the wind & its coming straight back and hitting me in the face!
Charing X just fucking better be worth it after all this crap!

Just a quickie...

I ordered pizza from dominos on saturday - just to make it a change from pizzahut, bella, pizza gogo or the others i normally order from & I REALLY wish i hadnt!! we found a fucking hair INSIDE the pizza, not on top, actually cooked inside with all the cheese. now thats minging! called the manager who was very rude refused a refund & basically gave us a 'so what' attitude. so today - i will be speaking to the dominos head office aswell as my local enviromental health.

A word of advise to everyone, stay away from dominos!

...there will be a proper update later on in the week

http://www.realdoll.com/

Is it just me that thinks that these are a bit freaky?

...even freakier, someone is selling one on ebay :/ - but apparently its hardly 'used', so i guess that makes it ok! mmmmmmm! lol

its hot, oh very hot! there are lots of ugly people not wearing alot of clothes and men walking around exposing their man boobs! (i only get jealous when there bigger than mine :p ) this is one of the reasons i dont like summer - more ugly people exposing too much flesh seem to appear and be in every direction i look.
Why is it that most of the attractive people cover up more? fit blokes tend to cover up, unless they really love themselves, so you either just see skinny little boys THINKING they have good bodies, or big fat hairy bellys? Nasty!

In other news - my cravings for pizza have gone....
I'm not always thinking about sausage and brown sauce sandwiches.....

Now I have a cravings for burgers, double cheese burgers, chicken burgers - anything - just not veggie buggers!
...not being a very good vegetarian! think i'll give up calling myself that now lol

saw rusell reid this afternoon, although i do enjopy our chats, I have one thing to say...

90 FUCKING QUID?? FOR WHAT???
yes, his prices have gone up and quiet frankly i cant really justify paying that amount of money for only a 30 minute session, especially if I want to be SAVING money for surgery. so really do think i have to go NHS like it or not.
Even tho i am very annoyed with having to part with that money, he did tell me some useful things - so now i'm looking at surgery in prague! yes my dearies - its very very cheap there and more realistic that i can afford BOOBS by the start of next year! YAY!

I do have one question to ask you lot... I thought going to a D cup would be good for me - busty, but not too over the top and unnatural looking, as you have to remember i'm about 5ft9-10... am i being unrealistic here and will they just look to big? so the question is C or D?

had a very nice weekend, Jay came down friday afternoon about 2 minutes after me getting in from work, and went back yesterday afternoon. I had planned on us doing alot more this weekend but he isnt very well at the moment so wasnt feeling up to it so we just stayed in & chilled - which in fact, I think i needed more than i realised. watched lots of films!! oceans 12, dead birds, session 9, uptown girls, without a paddle, that jum carrey one - a series of unfortunate events or something?? (which is a great film, watch it if you havent seen it already!) then some others i cant remember the names of and Creep - which is probably the best horror I've seen in a LONG time, it could have been better - but i think that about most horrors, but i was infact impressed by it; so thats the film I would recommend.
Took out my wefts yesterday as I couldnt bare the thought of having to continue to blowdry & straighten my hair everyday anymore, so the dreads are back in again now! Also recieved my thigh boots yesterday & I am one happy bunny! I was thinking i'd be disappointed by them, or they wouldnt fit properly. I remember when i first saw them - either before or when i just started hormones - and i managed to get someone to tell me the measurements of the boot, just so i could see how baggy they would be on me, and they were infact too big around the thigh & calf....
now i've been on the mones for awhile - ha! nope, they werent baggy at all, all i'll say is - i'm just glad the boots are made of that stretchy material otherwise i'd have been buggered! saying that - it werent that easy doin the zip up so i better not get any bigger now!

In other news....
for some very strange reason - i bid & won a pair of orange stripper style heels & orange dress on ebay, why??? its ORANGE!!!!

totally off topic - but has anyone else seen that 'lovelife matters' ad on tv? hahaha "has your man got a problem with his erection?" sorry,but for something they have tried to make sympathetic - its just pure TACK! its made me want to laugh the 1st few times i've seen it, but as i've seen it too many times now, the couple with the man that looks like he's trying to look sad & the woman trying not to laugh or look smug, now just bore me. :\