The poet and the King

Yeah, really. I dreamed I wanted to go to England. I've wanted to go for a while - but this time I ended up somewhere in London where I was admiring London-grown tomatoes.

Wether or not tomatoes grow in London is something I ignore.

 

I wasn't alone, I was with some friends. But as always I didn't see their faces so I don't know who they were. After a brief discussion of the tomatoes, we all ended up in someone's backyard... in India.

We moved from England to India in a flash. Probable, of course. The same tomatoes were there, but growing in a person's backyard in India. The London label was still attached to the plants. I know I was wearing a suit, a top hat, and carrying a cane - I was dressed as an English gentleman of he 19th century-early 20th. Interesting...

 

The people with me were also gentlemen. I saw an Indian man get out of the house and into the backyard, talking to us. We followed him out of the yard and into the alleyway.

I didn't understand anything, though. It was Indian. I saw a young boy playing outside and then heard something. I looked at the noise and it ended there.

Weird freaking dream, it was.

Hey, how long has it been? I just haven't posted anything because I have nothing to say, and I know nobody reads it anymore.

If I'm posting now, it's because I want to remember a dream. Not that it was that important, but I don't want to forget it.

I was with some friends, hanging out during the evening and trying to find a place to smoke weed. (Hey, it was a dream.)

We found a hospital with a strange wall that could easily be accessed from the side. So we decided to go there. I slipped in first, being the smallest. Someone said, "Wait, there's an alarm there..." I lifted my head, and there was a sensor. I shrugged because it was supposed to activate since I passed by it, and it did nothing. I moved around it, then heard a noise. I quickly escaped as my friends whined.

"Damn, you activated the alarm!"

"Well it would have activated anyway!"

"Guys guys, stop your bickering - there's an injured cat here..."

 

I stopped and immediately turned around. You know how I adore cats. I saw a young cat, a kitten, of about 5-6 months maybe, on the floor, on his back, trying to scream in pain, but it sounded like a pathetic meow in the shape of a yawn. Its paw was terribly damaged; it was slashed in three places, we could see the blood, it was barely hanging to the cat. I almost cried just looking at the poor creature.

Then I said, "There's a vet on this street! I know where it is!" So I grabbed the cat as best I could and hurried to the vet. The dream ended there.

 

Unfortunately, it was the evening, kind of late - it must have been closed. The kitten must have died. Hence why I woke up before it ended, I knew it'd go badly.

 

There's also another dream, which probably was before this one. Doesn't end much much better, but still.


At the beginning, I was with a bunch of american-indians. We were sitting on a plain. I was new, and young. I had a blanket around me. The indians greeted me, and I sat with them on the plain. Around me was nothing but trees, grass, marsh, swamp, nature. I started talking with an indian. Then I said, "No, I'd rather try the rain dance!" He smiled and started chanting the rain song. I laughed. After a little while, someone heard a loud crash, it was a thunder. "Quick, everyone, run away!" Lightning started falling from everywhere. We all ran in a panic, then rain came soon after. "Aw damnit, the rain song DID work, why couldn't I just shut up?"

There was a bunch of indians, me as well, running away from the thunder and I somehow ended up in another location entirely.

I was part of a troop of comedians - teens and young adults - and we had to perform in front of a large audience. Semi-large. Like a school auditorium. We had weird costumes, kind of like the 80's style. I know I had a pair of boots. We started to practice, and the event was chaotic. I know someone asked me to wear my contact lenses, but I simply couldn't put them on. And I somehow lost my boots. I ended up going home in the metro, with one contact lens barely put on, my stupid costume, which involved a bright yellow jacket and an afro, and a pair of uneven boots. All this time I tried to put on the lens but it wouldn't stay. Tried to remove it, but without a mirror and in a moving train, it wasn't the ideal.

I got off at a station because of an emergency. Outside, it was snowing. Freaking snowing. We're in July! I walked out with another pair of boots in my hands and saw a little boy with a pair next to him. The boy was hispanic, and his father was with him. He must have been around 8 years old and had a roundish face with glasses. He was adorable.

I approached him and asked him if I could exchange his boots for mine.  (Don't ask, apparently my character didn't think his foot size wouldn't be the same. Unless I AM that small.) He looked at me and took his boots.

"Look, they're all broken. Even I can't wear them. Sorry, mister." His father, behind him, yelled

"They're broken because YOU broke them, you idiotic moron! Never takes care of anything right!" 
I knew it wasn't the kid's fault, though, the boots were very old.

I thanked him and left. This is where the dream ended. No idea what happened next - there are way too many possibilities and they all give me a headache, and most do not involve me finding my way back home....

Last night, as I was dying of heat, I had another dream that was quite strange.

I was talking with my boyfriend and saying how I'd be able to defend myself in case I get attacked, no matter who it is. He then laughed and left for a while. Just at that moment, a tall, black, muscular man enters the place and starts attacking me. (So convenient, isn't it?) I panic and try to to dodge his attacks, and somehow, I manage to despite being incredibly scared. He has a knife; as he tries to plunge it into me, I also manage to take the knife and wound HIM instead. I think I hit his leg, or his stomach. Since he's been surprised, I have enough time to hit him again, and then all is a blur until I find out I... killed the guy.

While that wasn't my intention, if I didn't do it, he clearly would have killed me. But it was all subconsciously done.

 

My boyfriend came back, but I woke up before I got to see his reaction. That's the first time I actually kill someone in a dream; I usually get hunted and chased around, but I never kill!

Now real life, though... would I be able to save myself? I'd honestly rather not test the theory.

 

Oh, on another note, I gained a few inches. Yep, I grew. That makes me happy - though none of my pants fit me anymore.

At least I can wear men's shoes now.

I finished watching Basilisk today. Yes, Max, I lied, I didn't watch it yet when I told you... because I was afraid I would cry. I knew what to expect. I knew that the last two ninjas would... no spoilers. But I knew it. It's the way it happened that nearly made me cry. I had to fight to keep those tears from falling! It was a beautiful story... now to find another anime to watch for the vacations.
Or I'll probably just spend it playing games.

On another note, I've got all my results for my exams. I pass all of them! So I pass bio, chemistry, french, english, P.E, astronomy... uhm.. except math.

For two reasons.

1)I did not practice enough to remember the drill of calculus, even though I understood, and my algebra fucking sucks.

2)I caught the swine flu a few days before my third exam, which resulted in a pathetic 42%.

I can take the class again, and I will. I was a bit sad... but it had to be expected. College is a whole new world I'm still not used to, and people smarter than me have failed worst. Well, I'll tackle the rest of the semester with more concentration than I did for the last.

On this, happy new year to everyone.

I dreamed last night, but I forgot parts, due to my sudden waking by my cellphone's alarm.
Pisses me off.
I'm tired of waking up at 6 am.
But whatever, that isn't my main subject.

Last night... I dreamed I was going to see an old friend. I think he asked to meet me, or is it I wanted to say hi unexpectedly? I'm not sure, but he lived in a faraway region, kind of like the countryside. I walked upon an old, worn path, with dead trees and lots of trash such as tires. The place looked like a freshly abandoned farm. I then arrived before a big, red door, kind of like a garage door, and there was a thin layer of... spider webs. Ugh. All over the door. This door was also broken and old. So I hesitantly found a place to knock, as the door was giant and had no way to open at first glance. My old friend opened. When I saw him... he had changed immensely, more than a human being can physically change in 2 years and a half. In fact... in all his life such a change is impossible.

He had shrunk. He was so short, he arrived at my crotch. And when he came to hug me, I had to lower myself to avoid an obvious embarassing situation. His face was a crater of death, his eyes seemed gone, lifeless. Whatever hair he had left on his head was disheveled and seemed to have no color because it was so thin - not even white, or silver. He was very skinny as well. Upon seeing him I immediately collected tears in my eyes. The poor man!
I asked him how he was doing, and what was his condition. He had a cancer, a kind that cannot be cured. And he had a year to live.

(His house in the dream was how I remember where he lived back when I was a child. It was always dark, kind of humid, full of spiders and dust, and lots of trash and useless things piled around.
That was just how he liked it. He was a special old man, but I loved him like my grandfather.)

I noticed he was accompanied by a young girl, whom I did not know. But thinking about it, it may be one of his granddaughters. But if that's the case, then she got fat... wow. Ahem.

So I don't remember much after this. But at the end, I somehow turned into a fish, went in the ocean, followed a strange circuit where I had to gather treasures and follow other fish, and at the end, I dropped into the ocean to join a goodbye orchestra of fish.
Don't ask.

I need to be more original when making journal titles... that's why I usually leave them blank.

I had a dream last night. It was the weirdest freaking dream I had in a while.


I was in a camp, a vacation type place but it was inside a university's campus.
It was located in a beautiful area - I have no idea where - but there was a beach, a lake, an inner pool, badminton room, and glass walls. It was giant... a real university campus, but made into a camp! It was so beautiful.

I was there with other young people, from 16-20 years old, I think... maybe older... and what's the weirdest part is that my boyfriend's father was there. He was cooking stuff and taking care of the mini bar... .... that was just weird. I don't know why he was here but I think he was part of the staff for the camp.
I was standing on the top floor where the bar was, with a few people, and I looked down at the badminton area. There was a young woman yelling orders at some people. It was a sports thing going on, but military training style... and one of my friends from school, Rafael, was actually there. Don't ask me why... but I saw him down there doing the training with other people. I laughed and turned around, and I saw one of my friends from my old school, Jessica. I was surprised and stared at her with my mouth open. I then said, "..Jess?" and she looked at me.
"Yes? Do I know you... wait.. Viktor.. oh my god, you became so ugly!"
I frowned and looked at myself, but before I could protest, she just pointed at my clothes, and said,
"Don't worry, I'm going to fix that... first, take off your pants, and... you'll wear these!"

I was wearing my black turtleneck shirt, with black pants... nothing ugly there... but she gave me tan slacks to wear... I frowned even more and said, "But that's even uglier, damnit!"
To think she works at a clothing store... pffft.
After this I remember nothing. I think I woke up.
But we all enjoyed cocktails and various alcoholic drinks. And yes Max, you were there.
I just don't remember anything else.
I wish this camp existed - it looks amazingly fun. Also, no, I didn't go to school today either.
This freaking flu is killing my throat. I can't go to school coughing like I do, or they'll send me back. Besides, I'm not even supposed to go... but I miss important stuff.
That's no good. Uggh.

Hey everyone. It's been... very long since I last wrote something, again... I've been busy as hell, with school and friends, and for once, for once in my freaking life I get to be home alone for a while!
Yes... my mother's in the hospital, but she's just getting checked out. Maybe they'll operate on her. I can't have news yet. She talked to me yesterday, she was doing well and waiting for test results.

As for me, yes, for those wondering, I should be at school - but the class got cancelled. I had a biology exam scheduled at this very hour, but the teacher was sick! So that means, a whole weekend and a day more to study for bio. Which I'm glad for, since it's a heavy subject. Right now? I'm doing some chemistry, trying to grasp the concept of Lewis' Diagram. I briefly went over the chemical links between atoms in high school, but now there's more to this subject. It's not too hard. I just have to practice...

Aah... I feel so helpless sometimes. The people I love are living hell and there's nothing I can do to help them... well, one in particular.
Max, I'm doing my best to make you happy. I hope it works, I do love you! If I could do more to help you, I would... unfortunately I'm not a God... nor an angel... just a human. Powerless human.
But still - I feel I've accomplished the impossible already. Saving a life and making it better - little by little - there's nothing that feels greater in the world.
Well... except discovering that one particle in space that dark matter is made of. I'd be quite proud.
Still. This is for later. I'm going back to chemistry and singing songs. I've missed karaoke. Aaah.

---
No wait... I'm not done. I just thought of something. In French class, I recently finished a book by Alfred de Musset. The story was of a young man, 19 years of age, who had a mistress, his very first - and she cheated on him. But he learned that in this world, women cheating are a very common thing, and he had to learn that to be loved for a night, right now, is better than to expect a full commitment. Basically - he was taught to live like a "player", but in the 19th century way, since this is an old book. He did so for one year. And then, his father died, so he went to live in his home far away. That's where he met a woman he fell in love with once more, when he thought he'd never love again.

They lived together for 6 months, but their relationship was extremely hard, and the poor woman had to go through her lover's mood swings and jealousy attacks all this time.
Eventually the man learned he wasn't able to love properly due to his past experience. He realized... being cheated on, having been played for a fool, he'd never love a woman without expecting a betrayal, without thinking she had a thousand secrets and is just waiting to sleep with another man...
And for this reason, he left her, he left her with an honest, poor man who truly loved her.
And he was once again alone, and unhappy - but glad he didn't end up killing his mistress, as he was about to do, slowly, through the knife of doubt and jealousy.

Why am I telling you this? Because I'm afraid of being like him. I've had terrible experiences with boyfriends in the past. And now it's going well... but I still have this shadow of doubt in my mind, I still have this voice that tells me it's all an illusion, that nobody will ever truly stay with me.
And I don't want to believe it... I don't want to end up like him. I know I can trust myself... how, though, can I trust others? What if I'm not good enough?

....

All that because of a book. I should go back to chemistry, and I should also put a shirt on.

There's something that has recently been bothering me. Science is a definite fact of life; we use it to explain what was once unexplainable, and we have yet much more to discover, which is why I want to be a scientist in the future. Uncovering mysteries, explaining phenomenons, and using this knowledge in order to make our lives better is something I'd love to do once I'm a scientist.

 

Well, I thought that was the main reason I've been orientating myself towards this career. Which is true...

But....

There's also something else.
The line between science and magic is very thin.

After all, how many times have common phenomenons been mistaken for magic? Electricity, by example - a flash of thunder in the past might have been an angry God's wrath. Now it's simply explainable through a charge of protons and neutrons... not quite sure, weather's not my field.

 

And what about gravity? When an object made of iron could simply fly? Nope, that's electromagnetism. Electric fields repulsing each other - to the uneducated, that would be magic. A flying object! But to us who have known about electromagnetism for a while, we know it's a common thing and not magic, a law of physics amongst others.

 

And this is where I stand: The line between science and magic is only defined by what we can and cannot explain. All that has a reason, that can be calculated and proven by mathematics or facts, is science, and what we simply do not understand is magic - until we find a rule to it.

This thin line, I am in the middle of it. I'm wondering if it's possible for a scientist to believe in magic. Isn't it contradictory? To want to feel the magic of the world, find out if it's possible for humans to have powers, do rituals, things that are unexplained, but at the same time, to want to find rules to this world... and uncover mysteries, while keeping the mystery that is magic, spirituality.

 

After all I believe in past lives, reincarnation, and spirits. But I'm also a huge fan of quantum physics and astronomy. Of the explainable - and the unexplainable.

Do I have to choose? Is it morally right to believe in both science and magic, when they are polar opposites - yet with a line so thin between them?

Or am I just deluding myself? Magic... if it exists... scientists aren't supposed to believe in the very thing that would put them out of a job.

I don't know what to think anymore.

So, I'm practically engaged to a guy who's a FtM tranny just like me, who used to be my friend since 4 months and whom I never thought I'd end up with.

Want the long story?

Not tonight, it'd take hours to write about.

I haven't been updating becase I've been busy as hell and I know nobody reads my journal anymore, but I'm now officialy Viktor on every single of my important papers - no more fooling around with names, and I'm gonna start school unnoticed for once!

Oh yeah, and for the engagement thing, I'm serious. The ring's a one dollar store ring, but still, my boyfriend can't quite afford diamonds.

He's 16.

God I feel like a pedo. Yet he's more of a man than I am. Freaky. But I like it.

I really have no idea how all of this crazy shit happened, but I'm bloody glad it did.

Hey, I had a dream about you.

I dreamed that you came back to Montreal.

 

I was with a friend and I didn't recognize you at first, but I kept staring at you and you knew it. You didn't recognize me either - but eventually we did, and just jumped in each other's arms.

 

I hate waking up. Unlike what Dr. Seuss says, reality is never better than my dreams.