Just to clarify, because a few people have asked why im changing lj names for bad reasons, or for depressing reasons.
I just wanna make sure everyone knows. Im changing names NOT because im trying to force a more positive outlook on life, but mainly because i originally had anotehr LJ titled midnite wolf or somethin like that, and i made this LJ to post all my sad posts, which, after some years, turned into my regular LJ
Problem is, some old people who knew me from like 6-8 years ago still read this lj and harrass me about shit on occasion, as well as, i also posted this LJ on some other websites i visit, so ive had complete strangers adding me n such.
I sometimes get pms from people i dont know, and i cant say that i know exactly WHO is reading my LJ at all times.
Part of changing is learning to appreciate the friends id o have and repair the friendships ive let decay, so i made the new lj so i can concentrate on my real friends, instead of having a buddy list 90% strangers. So please, add my new lj (previous LJ post) to your friends, thanks
Got alot to say, but ima cut it down a bit so i dont take up too much friend-page space.
I cant say that ive lived a very good life, ive suffered a tremendous amount since i was 14 and had to live on my own, supporting myself, handing all my issues solo, basically, with a childs mind (which isnt a very good mind to start out your adult life with). Because of all this, you can blame it for the last 5-6 years of depressing journal entries ive made.
Its hard to describe exactly what i want to say, but i can say that on march first, a week or more ago, i managed to hit some sort of epiphany or great discovery. It was a classic Eurika! moment, and one that im very happy for. I hadnt slept for four days, and i had a precious moment in the middle of the night to reflect on my entire life, basically, i reflected down to every action and memory i could, and thats when i made some discoveries about myself.
It was a massive amount of insight into reality, and for a few days after i was in a state of "shock" or "stunned" so to speak, and i spent almost a week simply processing the information. I can only describe it as a type of dominoe-effect, in which i suddenly became aware of alot of things about myself, and these realizations went pretty deep. I realized i have alot of flaws and issues, and even the casual every-day thoughts i had were affected. It was life changing to say the least, even now im still processing the thoughts.
Either way ive taken some steps into fixing the mess that im currently in, which includes alot less worrying and thinking, and more action and optimism.
Im putting an end to this part of myself, and i will be bidding my farewell to this journal, and moving onto a new journal i just made. The username is Midnitew0lf. Yes, thats a zero in the wolf.
So for those of you who are still willing to be my friend, i hope you've read this far and will go through the trouble of finding and adding my new lj to your friends. See you on the other side.
You know, if theres one thing i could always say about myself, it was, that i am a great philosopher.
My initial thought is that im much more than a philosopher. I could say, im a good hearted person, friendly, quiet, dont like talking alot, a bit anti-social, and very often, depressive. But... you know... im not entirely sure what i am. But i do know one thing, im a philosopher. Of course, you could say "a great philosopher" couldnt you? Has a nice sound to it, but in the end, there is no such thing as great, just what-is.
Whew man, im sorry about the dramatic post i made last week. Bluntly i just lost my closest friend and.. thats all i guess. Really doesnt sound like a big deal does it?
Alot of people who meet me notice that im kinda hard to connect with or be friends with. I mean, in some ways i can really connect nad have fun with people who get into my circle, but at the same time im just naturally distant. Its not something im proud of like most furs, who love to prance around saying that they're antisocial or have all these problems n stuff, as some ironic call for attention, but its something that i know about myself.
Since the incident back when i was 15 that, basically, ruined my life, its been ahrd to ever open up to people again. I'd love to sit back and say pridefully that ive progressed through the years unscathed, but theres a big scar on my heart, and i dont think its ever goign to go away. Losing that many friends all at once, and losing my family, the only family i had left.. the whole being disowned by everyone i had, having to be homeless because my own father or sister didnt care about me. It really left somethin bad in me, and theres only a few rare people who i ever really trust or make friends with now.
One of those people was you-know-who, and by far the closest friend ive ever, ever had.
But i went and lost him, and i dont have anyone to blame really. There are times i love to put on my angry face and say that not everythigns my fault, but other times i ask myself, "well, just look at the results." I mean, when you really think about it, how can i have this much bad luck all my life? Its not all a coincidence, im smart enough to knwo that. I knwo that the real answer is, its me. Its my fault, its my-doing. We all control our own fate, set our own goals, strive towards our own ambitions, make our own decisions. I cant blame the world for what i am, who i am and how ive turned out.
Since the beginning all ive ever had is myself, and it looks like, in the end, its all im going to be left with. I just wish i had him. I wish i had him so much. I already had to go through so much to let my father and mother go, my aunt and my brothers and sisters, and then all my friends. I just thought that i was done losing people, but life always has more lessons to teach.
me and my friend at work talk about heroes alot, and an idea that came to my head is, in the future, claire hates peter for some strange reason.
Like.. really HATES him. Me and my friend are trying to figure out why, and the idea is, what if peter kills noah somehow? Noah wants to kill sylar, sylar is making some wierd relationship with peter (noone knwos if its towards the good or bad side), they ARE brothers.. so what if in the future, sylar and peter become closer, noah shows up to kill sylar, peter interferes and noah winds up dead.
It all makes sense to me.
On a final note, i hope everyone realizes, that if noah had powers.. he'd be unstoppable. He's already the most bad-ass character in the whole show WITHOUT powers.
Lately ive been doing alright, not too bad. Work is continuing as usual, life goes on, nothing new to report.
An interesting thing thats been happening to me lately is a kind of scent-triggered memory thing thats happened about, i'd say 5 times this week.
Im not sure exactly whats triggered it, but the first occurance was in the bathroom at a nearby convenience store from my job. Im going in to take a quick pee, and theres something in the air.. Some kind of, cleaning agent? Air freshener? I dont know what it was, but the smell of it made me flash back to my time in alabama so many years ago.
The next few events have actually occured at work.
You see, part of my job as a Lubexpress Service assistant is to spray the door hinges on each car with some lithium grease, or silicone based spray, to keep them from squeaking later.
Well, allow me to ask for some forgiveness for this, but i think alot of other furs will back me up on this, depending on my relationship with a person, i tend to memorize their scent or certain smell. Now i dont know if its their musk, a type of body odor, honestly i think 90% it is, but it can be other things such as the type of clothes detergent they use, or the way their house smells, etc.
Well, a few times this past week ive opened the doors to people's cars and just flashed back, some kind of air freshener or console cleaning spray, who the heck knows, but the smells ive experienced are almost unbelievably familiar, and im remembering events of my life i didnt know previously.
Not many people know me, but those who know me via my journal are aware im not the happiest or most cheerful person, and i have some problems, i admit that. Another big thing i dont like to talk about is that i dont have any memory of my life below a certain age, somewhere between 6-12, and before, i cant really remember what my life was like, or any childhood memories.
These scent-triggered flashbacks however make me remember some things.
One of the most significant scents ive had was, oddly enough, of mash.
I was just spraying this guys door and i could smell it. I dont know if it was a musk, i think the idea that i was sniffing a complete strangers musk is quite disgusting, but it couldve been. I really think it was the scent of his clothing, he did have a bag of what i assumed to be laundry in the backseat.
Today was probably the hottest day i can ever remember, and work was extremely difficult because of it...
By the time i got home after my shift, i could barely lift my legs.
On another note, ive went through my journal and cleaned up old entries i dont want to remember or keep public; i know what its like to be a victim of rumor, and all the people who commented to my recent posts, i cant thank you enough for the heartfelt advice and just being able to have an ear thats willing to listen to my pointless babble and (most oft) depressing droning. But my intent is not to make anyone look bad by keeping bad journals about em public, so i cleaned em up for now.
Im still broken up about it tho :/
Other than that, life is still same as always, nothing new to report now, but if anything interesting pops up, i'll be sure to notify.
thankful
lethargic
tired