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I was born deep within a cave in Texas soon after the beginning of the Final Autumn, my mother died during childbirth and my father, unreasonable from grief, released me into a local farm, hoping the horses would eat me. When the farmer saw my horrible newborn visage he assumed one of his horses had given birth, but when he realized I was partially human he raised me as his own.
My pop, the farmer, made me work very hard. He made me work even harder once he realized I had hooves instead of feet, and was able to lift up his 1975 Chevrolet C/K Truck after my soccer ball had rolled under it.
One day though, on the 18th day after he found me, my pop gave me two final presents before sending me out into the world, a Nokia 3310, and a personal computer, with which I am writing this to you now from my college dorm.