I don't want this, I have never wanted this. Why are you acting like it should be perfect and the most amazing choice ever when I have never wanted this? Why are you acting like you would still care if I didn't want it? No matter the choice, there is someone who is not happy. I will not choose your happiness over mine.
The only question in this world that has plagued my every being, is "What if....?" The only way the answer could be found is by actively having the question happen, and 99% of the time the situation will never happen, and 99% of the time I will never get to know what could possibly happen. I hate living in a world where I don't get to know everything and know every possibility and know every outcome. One life and I really only get to know that 1%.
a big part of being happy is being excited. be excited for everything - making a cup of tea, decorating your future apartment, seeing a friend again, falling in love unexpectedly, the next episode of a show you like, finishing something stressful, buying something you’ve been saving up for, a new album, sunsets, traveling, road trips, and the feeling of going to bed after a long day. think of something to be excited about and daydream about it often when you’re sad.
I hate craving intimacy. I want to kiss someone so bad, I want to feel the heat of their body clashing with mine, as the warmth of their breath trails along my throat. I want to feel their hands roaming my body as if every inch of it needed to be examined before they could put them to rest on my waist. I want to run my hands through their hair and lock my hands around the back of their neck. It's so painful how much I want it.
Running and running and running. I picked up the hobbie to help with my mental health, but instead of helping me think about solutions to my problems, I continue to run and run and run. Always running and yet my problems are still here, right on my heels.
I try to focus on the scenery instead, the trees, the creek, the bugs that cross over the path as if it is was worth it to venture through a busy highway that could send a car flying straight towards you was worth it just to get to the other side.
I try to focus on the music blasting through my headphones, the songs somehow always applicable to my life and what it is I am running from. I try to focus on the sounds of nature, but it isn't loud enough to block out my own inner voice. Nothing is loud enough to block her out.
I try to focus on how far it is I am running. How long I spend on the trail. How fast I am going. My problems are just as fast and can go just as far, as if somehow they have just enough stamina to be just a bit faster than me, always one step ahead and never out of breath.
I try focusing on my problems, trying to find a solution so I am no longer stalked and tormented. Anything to get them to go away. I am never able to decide. My mind runs in circles, nothing stable appears.
So, instead, I just run and run and run. Always running.
Reinventing your life is a lot easier to do when you realise it really is all a mental game that can be won purely by spite. I don't want to get out of bed and be productive? Well fuck me, I'm going to do it anyway just to piss myself off. I'm not going to let some anxious and obnoxious girl tell me what to do, you know how annoying that is?
I think I put too much pressure on myself to be appealing and accessible to other people, and I don't even like helping most of the time. I used to, and then I realised I wasn't helping myself the way I should have been. The problem is I don't know how to not help others, and I don't know how to help myself. I wish I had a me for me.
I have thought about it so much. If given the opportunity to do this again, I would say yes. Before I would have said that I wouldn't. That the pain wasn't worth it. That a permanent ending would be better than living a life of pain again. But, I wouldn't actually want that. Not really. Deep down I would want to do it all again. Not because I fully enjoy living, but because I love life. I love everything earth has to offer. The duality of good and bad. The different experiences one could have. Nothing is the exact same for each person, and to be able to experience this life in a new way would be one of the best choices I could be offered. Plus, I would have fomo.