The Normal One

Hi everyone-
not sure if this group is still functioning, but oh well, cant hurt to post, right?
I'm 23 and 4 of my siblings have a mental illness or some cognitive impairment. I'm also a case worker working with adults with mental illness.
Its overwhelming sometimes, but let me give you some background.
My youngest brother is schizophrenic and somewhere on the autistic spectrum (he's adopted), my oldest brother is also schizophrenic (also adopted). My oldest sister is diagnosed with Major Depressive d/o (also adopted) and my other sister (also adopted) is borderline p.d, and potentially antisocial. My only biological sister is in a Ph.D program (she's 25) and excels at everything. My mum's a social worker. Both my parents are recovering alcoholics, and my dad abused cocaine and has been clean for 10+ years.
I got a phone call at 2am this morning with the news that my second oldest sister (the one w/ BPD) crashed her car due to her being intoxicated. She's in the hospital. She's ok, but got arrested. I dont know if she injured anyone else. I feel bad that I dont really care. I've seen her once in the last 10 yrs. she's been in jail at least twice already (she's 26/27).
As someone who has a profession working with mentally ill people its frustrating when its in your homelife too; there's no escaping from it. When I'm around my siblings I feel like I'm still at work.
I was at a community gathering the other day and I noticed a man who seemed a little off. I guessed he had aspergers syndrome (mild type of autism). I was right (as it was confirmed by a rather gossipy member). I got upset because it was like, damn it, I cant get away from this shit anywhere!!! I feel bad for thinking that way, but I cant help it. I spent my life helping my mum and sister take care of these 4 mentally ill siblings, I work with mentally ill adults, but I cant even get a second of my own free time without something to do with mental illness.
Dont get me wrong, I'm fascinated by it, but I'm just stuck in a place where I have no escape from it, and I need my time to be normal, and de-workify. I cant do that when I deal with it all the time.
anyways, any thoughts on this would be great.

Thanks

Hey guys, my friend just made this community and it's a place for people to express themselves through writing, share philosophies, share their writing, etc. without the criticism of others.
It's really nice there, I suggest you go join, we don't have a lot of members right now but we would like to see it grow more.


Drifter's_Inc.

There was a book that I read when I was much younger. It was from the point of view of a child whose brother has autism. I seem to remember the main character sold seeds at some point. Does anyone know who it was by or what it was called?

hey everyone,
i just joined this community. my name is kerry. i'm 15 years old. i have a brother who is autistic. he is 11 years old and goes to an autistic school. we found out he was autistic when he was about 3 or 4 after he had some tests done and when we noticed his lack of speaking skills.

just thought i'd drop by a hello and introduce myself..

♥Kerr

Hi, I'm new to this group. It's a great relief to discover other people who can talk about the problems of having a disabled sibling. Even though I'm 30 and living an independent adult life away from my parent's home, I'm going through a pretty complicated time with it all. I have a severely autistic brother. He's 26 years old and lives at home with my parents, who have health aides come in for several hours a day to help care for him. He also goes to a work program where he is supervised one-on-one by a job coach. Living with a severely autistic sibling has affected me in numerous ways, only a small portion of which are the "more compassionate, more tolerant" ways popularly discussed. Frankly, family dynamics surrounding my brother and his often extremely disruptive behaviors were pretty damn dysfunctional and routinely discounted the effect my brother's behavior had on anyone else. I've cleaned every bodily fluid off various surfaces, I was held responsible when my brother got into things and made messes, I couldn't have friends over for the majority of my adolescence, and I've been attacked, often on a daily basis. My Mom's focus remained on "fixing" my brother even when his violent episodes posed a very real danger.

For the second time my brother is in a very unstable and violent stage. He has also regressed in a number of behavior patterns. He has pushed my parents (who are in their early 60s) to the absolute limit of their endurance, and poses a threat to their health and safety. (My mother reported that he bit her so hard she thought he was going to take her thumb right off.) And yet, my mom is such a control freak when it comes to his care that she resists medicating him (and constantly tinkers with regimens prescribed by doctors), and is against him being cared for outside the home.

This time, I have decided, along with my sister, to step in and compel my parents to pursue a new course of action. In brief, I want them to take my brother to a doctor who specializes in psychopharmacology for the developmentally disabled (There is one in Worcester. Currently, the only doctor treating my brother is a natural medicine specialist), I want my mom to actually follow the doctor's instructions, I want them to seek care outside the home for at least three days a week, I want them to make provisions for dealing with his rage episodes, and I want my mom to see a therapist. I am enlisting the cooperation/help of my brother's longest health aide, and hopefully, his DMR caseworker (who I have not talked to yet). Hopefully, I can get at least the first four. Eventually, my brother will be my responsibility, and I should have a voice that's taken seriously.

There are enormous issues and dysfunctions within my family that will be laid bare. I'll sum it up by saying that we have always been expected to be the willing victims/targets of my brother's inapproriate behavior, and have been made to feel guilty for the suffering that resulted. This intervention will anger my mom and have dire negative repercussions in the immediate future. and yet, it's the right thing to do because otherwise, I just leave them all in a rapidly deteriorating situation likely to end in injury to any one of them. But damn, this whole process is stressful. Every book I read, every interview I have with someone involved, brings up every painful memory and emotion associated with my experiences.

I do have empathy for the fact that my brother's life isn't easy. Most of all I have empathy for my parents; it's unfathomably difficult to have an autistic child. That doesn't mean I didn't suffer too. And it certainly doesn't exclude my parents' ways of dealing from criticism.

It's also important to know that throughout my childhood, my parents frowned on discussing my brother's condition outside, and I feel that admission fo a negative experience with disabled siblings is both ignored and frowned upon in general. So this post is both scary and liberating.

Has anyone else ever had to intercede in their sibling's care, especially when they disagree with the current care?

I feel strange posting again. My sister is being put on lithium on Monday. Does anyone know what the transition is like? She's been on...Topomax and Busiprone, i want to say, but i'm not sure. They were for ADD/Social Anxiety Disorder, but her diagnosis was changed to bipolar. I guess i'm a little scared of the switch, and also of the possibility of it not working.

*shrug*

Hi everyone. I'm Erin, i'm 16. I live in Brooklyn, New York. I have a little sister, Corinna, who's 13. She was diagnosed at 8 or 9 with social anxiety disorder and ADD, but we were cautioned that that diagnosis can sometimes later be changed to bipolar (rather, my parents were. I was 11 or 12 at the time, and not involved.). It seems that's what we're facing now, and...yeah. I guess I joined because it's always good to know there are people in the same place as me. I don't really know. I myself have ADD, but not to any awful extent (i've avoided medication so far). Anyway, uhm...hi.

- Erin

Hi!
Well, I wouldn't call myself the normal one, but my sister was diagnosed with Bi-Polar in November and I'm still not to terms with it... I'm not sure that I'll post much in this community but if there's anyone else dealing with the same thing in your family and you use MSN or AIM, I would love to chat sometime about coping just to see if our circumstances are similar.

Thanks for creating a community for siblings....we always seem to get overlooked, don't we? =)

taken from her website...tips on returning home if you no longer live at home and only have to meet up with siblings around holidays...if you don't well there are still some things you could possibly get out of her tips...

"Parents and physicians often ask me for guidance on how to treat non-disabled siblings. I offer this set of guidelines for them, based on research in The Normal One:

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: A SIBLING SURVIVAL GUIDE
Don't expect miracles. Forget about finding magic solutions to sibling problems that have plagued you for years. Despite everybody's best intentions, family dynamics tend to surface even when everybody is grown up-particularly at the holidays, when more togetherness than usual is the norm. Rivalry, buried resentments, shame and guilt are as predictable as the strains of "Jingle Bells" If you don't arrive with fantasies of harmony restored, you won't be disappointed by business as usual.


Set limits. Don't pick a fight with your problem sib, but don't cave in either. If your brother gets obnoxiously drunk or your sister makes a scene and your parents do nothing to intervene, say calmly but politely that if it doesn't stop you will leave. And do it-even a walk around the block can make your point and clear your head.


Give yourself permission to limit your contact by making only a brief appearance if your sibling is ruining your holiday with truly outrageous behavior. One women who used to go into a depression after spending a week with her family and borderline brother now goes home for only three days, and builds in time alone at the local bookstore for relief.


Try to be an observer rather than just a participant in interactions with your sibling. This role will help you keep your temper and get some perspective. You've been living with this situation all your life-now look at it.


Accept your reluctance. It's ok to dread these occasions or be disappointed that your sibling isn't your best friend and never was. Remind yourself that you don't live with him or her any more.


Bring along reinforcements. Friends and spouses are invaluable aids for enduring holidays when family members are estranged. They help you keep some healthy distance and your sense of humor. If they can't be there in person, call them.


Remember you don't have to go if you're really miserable--you're a grownup; one woman lost sleep worrying about whether she'll be obligated to spend holidays with her sister after her mother dies, and her mother's in perfect health. Don't let guilt and obligation destroy your joy. "

I've been thinking a great deal about this title since the creation of this community and it occurred to me that this might be offensive to some people. What is normalcy? Must it be defined as a lack of mental illness? No, and I say this being the older sister of a sibling with several mental disorders AND being an older sister who suffers from manic depression. Granted that my own struggles are tame compared to those of my younger sister BUT who is the normal one? I brought Jeanne Safer's book, The Normal One to my therapist's the other day and she blew up at the title...granted it is not the most PC of titles but there are few out there that are geared towards the siblings---plenty for parents and individual sufferers. I guess this is what cheered me on in creating this community. Growing up, my manic depression was not diagnosed until I was 19, I was "the normal one" in comparison to my sister whose mental illnesses were always present. There was a great struggle that went on in my psyche--sometimes filled with guilt, anger, grief, etc.--growing up with Elena, my sister, and there never seemed a good outlet or time to deal with my emotions. So I can agree with Safer's descriptions about the everlasting effects of having such a sibling. Our siblings help define us. They help us understand ourselves and our world better.

This community is not solely for "normal ones" but for all siblings of those who suffer from a mental illness, REGARDLESS of whether they themselves suffer from ANY illness!

For those who have joined. Welcome! Please spread the news of this community... I hope in time to see it grow. Feel free to introduce yourselves if you feel comfortable.

Final note: this community is an OPEN forum for various kinds of posts. It can be any form of individual expression of what it is like being you...artwork, poetry, questions, comments, frustrations, joys...but anything overly vulgar and not fitting with the purpose of this community (no lambasting individual members!!) or degrading in any fashion will be deleted and you will be banned.

If you have any questions, contact salingerscat