Hm, it's been awhile. There are so many things running through my mind right now, but I'm not really catching onto them. They're just flying by so fast I can't see them clearly. In other words, my mind is restless I guess; most likely due to the fact that I've been drinking soda and I only rarely have caffeine in my system. Cheerwine is goooood. The only other soda I recommend as much is Cherry Lemon Sundrop, which almost know one knows of because it's sold in a limited area. I just happen to have been there and discovered it's brilliance.
There are many things I should do and could do, and yet there's very little that I have done. I'm always reminded of the Lion King when Simba's father tells him "You are more than what you have become." In a way it's insulting and depressing, but in another way, it's just inevitable. It implies that you should be more, but a key thing to remember is that if someone doesn't have anymore potential left, it's basically like they have nothing left to learn. Everyone must have heard that saying once- when you stop learning, you've died. So because it's inevitable, it wouldn't necessarily be insulting. It doesn't point at a lack in character specifically.
I still think I want to write a book one day, but for now I'm gathering experience. It's not something I particularly planned to do, but just realized that that has been what was happening. There are things I try intentionally- like cooking, and things I have no choice in like learning what to do when a deer runs into my car (etc, etc). I call it the training arc of my life. Or you could say a montage rather than an arc if you're less into manga/anime.
I want to write a book, but I'm afraid I don't have enough agency to do so. It's not a phase, but part of my character. Every time I think about a trait I possess now, I realize I have unconsciously assumed that I became this way. In reality, I have always been this way. I love Japanese culture and when I look back at myself as a child, the shows I watched were Power Rangers and Digimon which have their bases in Japan even though I didn't know it then. I'm reluctant to change my plans at a moment's notice, especially if it's going to require effort from me. And when I think about my childhood, I remember getting angry that I didn't have any macaroni pictures etc from preschool. My mom and I went back to visit once, and I asked why. My old teacher said she always asked if I wanted to do them, but I would never leave playing with the blocks or whatever else I was doing. And another thing, I used to sleep past lunch during nap-time back then and was frustrated that they'd never wake me. Even now I'm pretty much an eternal sleepy-head.
Since this is my character and not just an evidence of my youth or ideological rebellion, I fear that I will never have the long-term focus to create anything worth remembering. I posited recently that my personality is forgettable. As a person, I shouldn't be forgettable. I'm intelligent, rather literal or slow on the uptake although I more than catch up given a few seconds, have a somewhat sparky fuse, I will never stay quiet if I see something that could be better, and I'm not afraid to be frank about what I like. So I should be memorable. I could say I'm fractious (and have- to my best friend's utter amusement) and I certainly have had my run-ins with others over time. So why is it that no one seems to talk behind my back? Every group of friends have their gossip times when one or more members are absent, so why is it that my intel- who I trust to be honest- claims that I never come up. My roommate gets mentioned after she visits, but I go along on the same trip and my name is forgotten.
Somehow I must just blend in. This isn't true in life, just to the people I know. Clearly this needs clarification (pfft). I know that I was memorable to teachers and I know that when I played sports, all of the team moms rooted for me almost more than their own children. I wasn't aware of this for a long while and even after I knew it always baffled me. I've never been very social, never made much of an outward effort to get people to like me, so why did all the moms take to me so much? This I still don't know, but what it does indicate is that in life I must stand out somewhat. But among my friends, I'm not so sure. My house has never been the hangout place. Everyone has experienced when a group hangs out, one person's place dominates as the destination. A lot of the time this has to do with resources- like game systems- but even when I've been in possession of such resources, it's never me. Apparently my friends don't talk about me much either. I've had a few guys that have liked me over the years, but very few of those have been regular people. Many hangers-on, not many suitors. They're always younger and come on way too strong and don't quite stop when they're told to (although they're not that hard to get rid of... eventually). So what makes me so unnoticeable as a person? This, again, I still don't know. But at least I think I've spotted a pattern.
All of me seems to be like this. My hair, in my opinion, is beautiful when you look at the individual strands. It has every color under the sun. It's thick, but also fine which is apparently an inconceivable combination. I've also been told it's softer than other people's hair. So it seems extraordinary, and yet... and yet when you look at it it's just plain dark brown. It's not straight or curly, but an insufferable wavy that refuses to yield to the advance of a straightener or even a brush. It doesn't look outstandingly wild either though. It just is. My eyes are the same. If you look close you can see that they're dark green with flecks of orange and a dark ring on the outside. But from afar they look like eyes that could be called either hazel or brown, it doesn't really matter.
The point of this long rant is surely in question by now. It probably has been long since. (Of course I'm aware no one is reading this anyway. I could never be consistent enough in posting to maintain a following even if I had ever captured one in the first place.) The point seems to be that I feel my mortality and I'm afraid. I don't want to be just a blip in this world. I don't want to have nothing to leave behind. Everyone seems to be forgotten eventually, but I feel that I wouldn't ever be forgotten- I wouldn't be remembered in the first place. As long as I'm alive, my mother will be remembered no matter how many years pass. Although this is too short a time, at least it'll be longer than nothing. But I fear I won't even have that.
I want this world to know that I'm here, that I'm special. I know I'm special. I know there is more that I should be doing, that I could be doing. But some combination of the world's limits and my own character flaws is preventing that. I long ago (probably just a few years, but in my current lifespan that is long ago) decided that I cannot change who I am. I can grow and evolve, but I cannot force a change. That is not a way in which I can live. My question is: what can I do then, to be remembered? Right now I feel I will always be small-fry. Too weak to overcome, but too strong to quit and, thus, unnoticeable. I don't believe in a god, but God, I wish I had just a tiny bit of direction to follow.
rushed
tired