Last night was intense working at the hospital. In the middle of the night, all was quiet on my floor when I heard an overhead page for an ABC alert on the floor right above me. That means that someone has no pulse and is not breathing. Because I was pretty much caught up with my charting, my charge nurse let me go and assist. Things were crazy, lots of people packed into a tiny room with a frenzy of activity going. For the first part I was a runner, getting supplies that were needed, looking up information and entering orders. When they started chest compressions, I stuck around because I remember being told that doing cpr requires a lot of energy and will wearing you out quickly so lots of people would likely be needed. I ended up doing chest compressions I think the longest out of everyone. Sweat was pouring off me, the back of my arms burned. I cracked about 5 ribs in the process, but that's what happens during cpr, an unpleasant fact that no one ever bothers to tell you about. The whole code went on for about 45 minutes, they tried giving him several rounds of drugs that should have brought him back, just didn't work. In the end the person did not survive, a tragedy for sure. But an amazing experience nonetheless and I certainly went back to my patients with a little more reverence and care. This all ended at 0115 in the morning, but i am still hyped upon adrenaline.
In any case, merry christmas everyone! It's odd what we nurses find exhilarating, no matter how awful it is.
Hey, it's one of those rare moments I feel like writing. I always feel like writing when I feel like crap. Life is going well on the whole, but right now I am over worked, over tired, and over stressed. My biggest thing right now is that everybody -EVERYBODY it seems that I know is pregnant. My coworker is several months along and just announced her engagement today. My friend from school that I graduated with is pregnant with her second child, her friend is pregnant, most people i knew when adrian was a baby and tried out the baby get together groups with is pregnant or already has their second child and now to top it all off, my friend who wanted to get pregnant around the same time with me is now pregnant and I feel like absolute shit because we have been trying since last March and nothing...NOTHING is happening. It's an especial blow to hear that my friend is pregnant, though I am very very happy for her, but just the past couple of days I've been telling my husband over and over again, I have this gut feeling that I'm not going to be able to have a second child. This is TMI for all of you and I don't care a whit, but I need to get it out. But I have super irregular cycles and I have ever since I started having periods at 11. This of course is all exascerbated by the fact that I work night shifts, supporting my family, trying to live a normal up-during-the-day life cycle to be with my husband and son, and generally being under a ton of stress because when I am working, i have to be on point all the time and I give my patients 120% of my whole living breathing being for 13 hours at a time. Then when i come home I try to do the same for my son because he is so high energy and demanding. My body is being torn in all sorts of directions and right now I am on the verge of crying, which I never do! I just feel so helpless over the flow of my life sometimes. And all this stress that I am experiencing on top of crappy sleep and chronic fatigue means that my chances of getting pregnant are almost nil. I want so badly to be able to have another child. I see my coworker frequently and secretly I burn with such jealousy. My son is now three and at this point even if I got pregnant now, he will be 4 by the time another one i born, and it jsut means starting all over again with the sleepless nights and even worse fatigue on top of what I have now and what I have always always always have had. Why do I never seem to get a god nights sleep? I can think of two morning in the past....ever that I felt even remotely rested. I am a walking zombie. Also, Adrian is getting so old that I am afraid that by the time another child is born, he will be so used to being the only child, that he will have a hard time adjusting to another child, and that they will be so far apart in age that they won't connect and play with each other the way I envision it all happening. I am feeling very disappointed in my own body and the way it is all playing out. I should have learned by now that life doesn't happen they way you want it to EVER and that you almost always get dealt a hand you aren't too happy with, but learn instead to work with it and be happy. Guess I set my expectations too high.
Sometimes I forget that this journal exists. I forget that I had so many things to fulfill by posting my rantings and ramblings and feelings. Time goes by and I grow older, my ambitions shift as well as my priorities. Is it funny that there is an old lady inside of me just waiting to burst forth and be recognized. Every gray hair is a hallelujah, every crease is a monument of every moment I have lived through, survived. Haaaallelujaaaaaah Halleluuuuuuuujah Hallelujah
So this is the newest painting i have completed. If you want to see the full size, go to http://mommily.deviantart.com/art/… and click on the thumbnail. I am very happy with it!! It's taken directly from a photo (I don't have the link for it off hand) that I found on DeviantART. What do people think?
Hey all! It's Adrian's 2nd birthday today!! We are doing such a last minute, barely planned birthday party. Whatever, it's just about having food and playing at this point. Maybe next year I'll do something more planned out. I've been distracted and now I think I am harboring strep somewhere in my tonsils. Just got recertified for CPR yesterday for school. One more year left then I can be a nurse! Very exciting. HMmm I SHOULD be thinking of games for kids to play but i'm feeling unmotivated. Musical chairs, definitely. Alrightie shower time before family gets home!!
I'm still here, kind of. I never check anyone's livejournal anymore, just thought it would be a good idea to drop by, check in. Life is stressful, hectic crazy, satisfying and not, depending upon what you ask me about. I've sprouted several gray hairs in the past year, added on a couple fine lines, pounds, etc etc. Happy as could be with my husband and son. They are my rock steadies in life and dependable to the core. I want another baby very very badly so Adrian can have someone to play with, plus I just want one. :P It'll happen soon enough. Saving up for a down payment on a future house. That's also a ways off, but we're working up to it. I just got into gardening. I randomly had an urge to do it a couple weeks ago and it's stuck with me since. Started some basil, green beens, and chamomile. With my luck i will kill the plants since I have no idea what i'm doing. School is crap. This program is not good for many many reasons, but I need to stick with it so I can do what I've always wanted to do. Mm yeah that's about it. Time to go catch the bus to go go home. I'm at school at the moment. Silly bandwidth limitations or else I'd be playing World of Warcraft right about now
Hey all I jsut thought i'd point out for those who might have forgotten,tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Cyrus's passing. I still miss him very much and i hope that wherever he is that everything's ok. Live and Let Die, for sure. Everyone has to let go some time
i had biked to Aldi's to do some light grocery shopping with my son. Of course they didn't accept credit cards so someone had to put my food back and I left empty handed. When I got outside it was thundering and lightening out and raining. I was just going to take it slow and avoid puddles so I didn't loose traction and Adrian loves being in the rain, so no big deal. But this older woman came out and smiled and me and said,
"You can't take your son out in that?"
And I asked, curious, thinking she was going to say the roads are slippery,
"Why's that?" Reasonable response.
"Because he could get hit by lightening!" She sounded sorta ticked at this point.
"Yeah well, I have no other choice, I have to get home."
And she tried to argue with me for a minute about this point and I just got so pissed because her tone completely implied that I am a horrible mother because I would take my son out in the rain and he could get hit by lightening. WTF. All I could say was "I'm not going to put my son at an unreasonable risk for anything." I love how mother styles are judged for the smallest thing and it's BULLSHIT. I felt like coming back at her with something like, "Well, you better not get on that bus because there's more of a chance of it crashing than a lightening bolt striking my son." This is the second time someone has questioned how I safely (or unsafely) handle my son, the first being absolutely incorrect, and I know it's going to happen ALOT over the years and I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do. WOuldn't people know that I have my son's own best interests in mind? Seems that they don't. FUCK
old
cheerful
pissed off