Hey life, bring it on. I am not afraid anymore. There is nothing you can throw at me anymore that will surprise me. I've been through everything. I've been thrown away multiple times. I've been the 3rd wheel. I've been the 2nd choice. I've been unloved, unwanted and left behind before.
Don't think for a second any of this will break me. My goals are already set. I will finish school and I will lose my 70 lbs and no matter what I will turn out awesome.
My heart is cold and nothing will ever change that again. I am okay living my life this lonely. Just stop messing with me and making me ride this rollar coaster..
Why can he be normal at work? Why can he be normal on the phone? Why is it the moment we have dinner at night he fucking has to start acting out. I can't handle the mumbling, the noise he makes tearing apart our bedroom, the way the throws things. He seriously disgusts me so much. I dislike this part of him so much that I am starting to hate him. All of hiim Even his good parts arn't worth dealing with him when he is like this.
I can't stand the sound of doors slamming, or dressures being turned over. Him sleeping in the closet because he is so strung out he can't even function like a human being.
He is embarassing. He is driving me away.
If he can't be 100% medicated. I can't stay with him.
In the beginning of this year I had wrote a few things I wanted to accomplish.. those were.. Dear 2011. - Finishing another 2 semesters of school and still having good grades. done - Finding a new job.done - Getting happily married on 10/31/11done - Finishing all my wedding planning on time and having things just go as perfectly for planning our honeymoon in 2012.done - Being even more stable with our money and putting more away into our savings.done - Fixing up the house, cleaning the house and keeping it that way.done - Losing some weight aka inches <--- Epic Fail.
This year was hectic and crazy for me.. I made a list of some highlights for myself.. • Won a Valentines Dinner from Como Zoo • Science Museum and Cheesecake Factory for my birthday • Anime Detour 2011 – Soul Eater Cosplay • I got the job at Kwik Trip and Quit Walgreens in March :D • Larry moved out and Chris Moved in. • We got married on Halloween and everything went to plan. • I worked for Teavana for a few weeks. Ended up quitting because of management. • I got a job at Panera Bread • Went in for my consultation for my mother tattoo which I will get on 01/03
As for 2012 I am going to make some new goals for myself.
1. Lose some real weight. 70lbs. No joke. 2. Get close to finishing my degree and find out when I will do in my intership. 3. Go to Germany. <3 4. Enjoy and cosplay at Detour 2012 5. Still celebrate our anniversary of dating along with our first wedding anniversary. 6. Make a few major repairs to our home. Aka Bathrooms and kitchen. 7. Make more time for myself. 8. continue to put money away into savings. 9. Find a way to do a weekend trip with just D and I. 10. Be Loved, Give love and be happy.
So this entire disapointment thing hasen't gone away in the least. It vesters up in me about this time of night when I should be sleeping. Instead of having happy memories of Halloween all I can think about is my complete disapointment with how I was treated by my so called 'friends' and being late to the only thing that mattered to me that entire day. How my friends never even had the fucking decentcy to say THANK YOU for anything I did for them that day. How they made it seem like they were doing me some big fucking favor. well fuck you.
Eventually my true feeligns are going to come out point blank and I will vent and melt this down to the people that caused me all these hurt feelings.
I get my pictures from my photographer this week. I will see what happens from there..
I honestly though can't go much longer without telling these people how much they ruined the only fun I was supposed to have for a long time.
I didn't want to be this girl. The girl that is so vien that she can only look back on the negatives. But The negatives were much more in my face that day than any postives.
Thats what happens when your friends are more worried about their own selfish fucking selves than you.
Thanks guys. You really did a number on me and I can't wait to tell you to your face what fake garbage you are.
I really need to a do a serious flush of my friends. How do I end up with people that are only looking for a free hand out? That can't even say THANK YOU. Wait.. I thought we were friends? .... I am so angry.
Things are going to change drastically with people in the next week here. I am out of tact and niceness.
Someone lied to me. Where is this ''happily ever after..''
I seriously layed in bed and cried tonight. I hated everything about our wedding. I had a horrible time. I hated-hated-hated the way I looked. I hated even more that I was late to the only pictures I cared about. I was abandoned by my 'friends' at the reception constantly. It was the WORST experiane of my life
These feelings are consuming me.
I don't want any pictures from the wedding posted online by anyone. ever. I don't want to remember it.
