m e l l a {vicious]

I have a headache today and am feeling all-around very lazy. I basically felt the same way on Friday. I think that my body just just rejecting all of the changes that are going on. Not working at all for 3 months and then suddenly working two jobs is just hard. I'm happy that I'm doing this and all, but it's just so freaking hard. I need to work out a better sleep/nap schedule and get the kids into a better routine. Adulting is hard.

Danny and I had this HUGE fight/conversation thing on Wednesday and I've been really upset/confused about that. I think I've finally had the time to work through it and now I'm okay. I really frustrated with him because now that I'm working, I rely on him to help out around the house and get shit done with the kids and blahblah, and I really felt like he just wasn't getting anything done at all. Or like I would ask him if he could do me a favor and wash my work shirts (I only have 2) and he would say that he would. So I'd be counting on him to get that done and wouldn't worry about it myself...then 20 minutes before I have to leave for work, I find out that he forgot to wash them or MAYBE he did wash them, but then left them in the washer. Or I would spend me whole day off cleaning the house and then 2 days into him and the kids being home, everything is just shit and awful. Through the week, he's home a lot more than I am so if everything gets all messy and crazy then it's really because he's not cleaning up after himself and the kids. And it really makes me crazy when he does something half-assed so that I either have to finish whatever it is or do the whole thing over myself. I would rather him do nothing at all than to do it badly so that I have to do the whole thing over again. ANNOYING.

But so anyway, we had this huge blow-up fight over the whole thing and I cried and he was really frustrated at me and blahblah, but after it was all over, we both felt a lot better and I'm trying to be a partner to him.

This whole entry has been a series of run on sentences and random thoughts. C'est la vie.

We have have done very little Christmas shopping and I'm slightly freaking out about that. Typically, we would be finished shopping within the first couple of weeks of December, but with me being unemployed this year and some unexpected expenses, it just didn't work out. We're waiting on the pay check that Danny gets on the 23rd to do all of our Christmas shopping. Two days before Christmas. That's stressful, but I guess we'll manage. My mom gave us the money to buy both kids their own tablets so that's done. My dad paid for an Imaginext Batcave for Evan (annoying story where I spend most of my Swagbucks that I'd been saving, was short by $12, Dad paid the $12 and now considers the Batcave HIS present for Evan even though I paid like $30 of it. Annoying but whatever) and he's planning on getting Emily this Frozen dollhouse thingy that he saw at Walmart. Danny and I will probably buy Evan a few Imaginext Batman things and then get Emily something doll-related because that's what she is really into right now. It'll be a rather lean Christmas this year, but that's absolutely OKAY.

We had a store meeting this morning at work at 7:30am. I was very unhappy about it being so early because I had to leave my house at 6:30am in order to get there on time. Inconvenient. Anyway, while the meeting was going on, they exchanged their gifts for Secret Santa. I started working there after they'd already drew names so I wasn't expecting to get anything, but Jodi (the boss) bought me a wine glass that says "Wine Time" and has a lid/straw things. It's pretty cute.  It was just really nice that she did that because I wasn't expecting it at all.

Danny and my dad have started this whole big idea/project thing where Danny and I ~might~ be building a house in a few years. My dad is buying the 5 acre lot to the north of his lot, so he wants us to build our house on the lot to the north. It's a really exciting idea, but still kind of in the planning/thinking stage. I think Danny and I are going to sit down with a notebook and start budgeting the whole idea out.

I guess I should go be product or something.

I haven't written anything here in a while. It's funny how quickly time can fly by. Every single time I start writing here again, I tell myself that I'm going to get better about writing more frequently. But it just doesn't happen. Life happens, I suppose. I get busy or distracted and then never get around to writing here  again. Bummer. Anyway, a lot has changed so I supposed I should get started.

I've gone back to work. I'm caring for my great-grandmother during the day Monday thru Friday for about 3-4 hours a day and then closing at Taco Bell on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Between the two of them, it only comes up to about 40 hours a week, but it's all together rather exhausting. Closing means I go in around 10 pm and get off between 5 and 7 am. On Mondays and Fridays, I normally get up around 6:30 am, take Evan to school, come home and do some cleaning or laundry whiling hanging out with Emily, pick Evan up from school, take the kids to my grandmother's house who watches them, then go to my great-grandmother's house (where I do light cleaning, laundry, take her to the store/doctor...whatever she needs, really), pick the kids up, come home and feed them dinner, Danny comes home from work around that time so we spend about an hour together visiting, then I take my shower and head to taco bell. By the time I get off work at Taco Bell, I've been up for almost 24 hours straight and the whole thing is just exhausting...but I'm doing my best. Wednesdays are much better because Danny is home and so I am able to squeeze a nap in.

Honestly, the biggest adjustment is getting the kids used to my not being with them all the time. Evan cries every night when I leave for work and it absolutely breaks my heart. BREAKS MY HEART. Most of the time when I get home in the mornings, he's awake and just hanging out on the couch waiting for me. Hopefully, it'll get better as time goes on and we all adjust. Adjusting is hard on everyone and it really just sucks. It SUCKS.

Recently I got the kids a bunch of clothing off of craigslist and I'm really excited about it. I was able to get Emily like 2 HUGE trash bags full of clothing for only $10. Some of it is too big or note for this season, but overall it works well and it'll give me a good start to her spring/summer wardrobe when the time comes. For Evan, I was able to get like 20-something t-shirts and 5 pair of jeans for less than $20. I'm super happy about the jeans because it's really hard to find little boy's jeans used or for cheap because they're generally so freaking hard on the knees of them. Craigslist for the win.

I had been crocheting a lot and selling several of the pieces that I made, but that has slowed down a lot since I've been back at work. I just don't have the time to accomplish as mush as I used to, obviously. The kids really enjoyed when I was crocheting a lot though because I made them several hats and things.

Emily is currently trolling me while I try to do this and it's very much getting on my nerves. She is supposed to be taking a nap.

We lost 6 chickens since the last time I posted. We had a problem with a possum. We had no idea what was getting into the coop and killing them until one night I went out to lock the chickens up in their coop and found the damn thing. Danny killed the possum and we haven't lost another chicken since then. We also secured their fencing better and I make sure they're locked up before dark every night.They haven't started laying eggs yet, but that should be just about any time now. I call them freeloaders every time I feed them, which entertains Evan and Emily.

Emily has now managed to knock both the dog's food and water over during the time that I've been writing this. She makes me crazy, I freaking swear. I suppose that this is enough for today and I will try to update again soon when Emily isn't trolling me and making me a crazy person. I suppose it's a good thing because I really need to do some laundry and figure out what Evan is doing...he's been for far too long so I'm sure that means that he is causing trouble somewhere. Ugh kids.

Things have been going pretty well lately, I honestly cannot complain that much. Our overall health lately has been really good, which I'm thankful for. No major cases of being overly ill outside of an occasional running nose or slight cough. Emily is doing well on her medication. A few week ago, we switched her from a compounded syrup medication to a pill. I was really nervous about changing it and about giving a pill to a 2-year old, but it has actually been pretty okay. We give her half a pill, 3 times ago. The pill is tasteless so she just pops it in her mouth and goes on. My kid is amazing, I'm telling you. I'm so proud of her. The pill is also A LOT cheaper than the syrup was so that's a big win, too.

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house again this year Typically, we only have maybe 8-10 people here and it's usually just immediate family. This year Ellie (cousin's wife) called and asked if I was going to make a dinner and if everyone could come. I couldn't just say no (because I am a sucker) and so suddenly I went from planning on having something like 10 people to planning to have 30 people. It worked out well though. It was Danny, myself, Evan, Emily, my dad, my mom, Meme, Papa, Cody, Mandi, Hope, DC, Faith, Katy, Tammy, Brandon and Jodi (listing names so I can remember in the future lol!) so 17 people. Ellie and Dylan didn't show up or even bother to call me to let me know they weren't coming. Jera and Tobey did the same thing. I'm angry not angry that they didn't come, but I am angry that they didn't bother to even tell me that they weren't coming.Rude.
I brined the turkey again this year and everyone went crazy over it. I'm proud of that. We also had ham, mashed potatoes, green been casserole, stuffing, rolls (though not homemade because I burned two batches, got pissed and gave up on them), sweet potatoes, cheese ball, candied carrots (first time making them, they were delicious FYI), deviled eggs, and my Meme's noodles. For dessert, there was pumpkin pie, pecan pie, chocolate pie, cheesecake and banana pudding. All was delicious and we ate for 3 days on the leftovers...which is my favorite part of thanksgiving! Leftovers! Overall, Thanksgiving was a big success.

We did a tiny bit of black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. We bought 2 new pair of pajamas for each kid, socks, and Evan some new jeans ($8 Wranglers, win!). We really didn't have the money to do a big trip like we have in the past and I'm pretty much okay with that because there really wasn't anything majorly on sale that was on our list to buy. Christmas around here is going to be pretty light anyway. Cutting back and budgeting and such.

1. Hold Still - Nina LaCour, 230 pages

Totals: 1 books read, 230 pages


Year to date totals:
54 / 50 books read: 108% complete
16,325 / 15000 pages: 109% complete

1. Run For Your Life - James Patterson, 373 pages
2. First Love - James Patterson, 340 pages
3. Worst Case - James Patterson, 356 pages
4. I Just Want You To Know - Kate Gosselin, 179 pages
5. The White Trash Mom Handbook: Embrace Your Inner Trailerpark, Forget Perfection, Resist Assimilation into the PTA, Stay Sane, and Keep Your Sense of Humor - Michelle Lamar, 240 pages
6. Nights In Rodanthe - Nicholas Sparks, 212 pages

Totals: 6 books read, 1700 pages


Year to date totals:
52 / 50 books read: 104% complete
15,647 / 15000 pages: 104% complete

Tomorrow marks two full weeks that Evan has been in preschool and today was the first day that he got up and dressed without fighting me. He also was happy at pick-up time and has been on best behavior all day. I'm very impressed. Thankfully, things are starting to get better.

I plan on baking peanut butter cookies with Emily tonight while I'm cooking dinner and I'm really excited about it. She and I have started baking together and I think it's been a really good thing for the two of us to have that together 1-on-1 time. She also loves to help me in the kitchen with the dishwasher and I really enjoy that, too. It's the little things, I'm telling you.

I really wish I was better at keeping our home clean. I go on these all-day clearning binges, but I'm not very good on the daily upkeep. If I could just force myself to do a little each day, I wouldn't have to spend hours doing everything at once. And our laundry is so behind. Since we've moved, I just haven't been able to catch up.

We took the kids to Bass Pro yesterday and while we were there, Evan acted like a TOTAL SPOILED BRAT and made us crazy. He was crying about wanting to get a new racecar, but we told him no because he already had the one at the store. He cried all the way through the store and basically ruined the trip for all of us. We rushed through and ended up leaving. After a long chat in the car about behavior and acting terrible when he doesn't get what he wants, we went to Burger King for lunch. They have this HUGE play area and both kids made little friends. We let them play for over an hour. We ran a couple of errands after that and they were both on their best behavior. And they were good once we got home, too. Danny says that maybe they were so good because we cut the Bass Pro trip short and told them in the car that if they couldn't keep it together, we were just going to go home. Since we've moved out to the country, a trip to Bass Pro and doing fun things isn't as frequent as it used to be.

I'm trying to read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Everyone raves about it on GoodReads, but I'm having trouble getting into it. It's just not the type of usual fluff that I've been reading lately. I'm going to stick it out for the first 100 pages and if I'm not hooked by then, I'll return it to the library and find something else. And when I say find something else, I mean I'll probably find another James Patterson book. Because I loves James Patterson and I've read like 20 of his books so far this year.
Sigh.

I have been fighting off depression for the last 6 months. Honestly, I feel like there is no good reason that I should feel so unhappy and upset, but I just am. I'm struggling. I'm trying to put on a happy face and just fake it until I make it. I'm working on it.

Emily has done very well with Evan being in school. I was really worried about what her reaction would be dropping Evan off on the first day, but she's a little rockstar. She is sometimes I little sad when we first drop him off, but then she's fine. Yesterday morning after we dropped him off, as we were pulling away she said to me "Mama, me want go to school like Evan. Me not get to make any friends." It was seriously the most adorable and heartbreaking thing. Poor Sissy, she wants to make friends! I plan to take her to the local playground more often and hopefully there will be some other kids there. She has been so antisocial in the past and not in the least bit interested in making friends. I want to play into the fact that she's interested in it now!

I've really enjoyed the increased amount of 1-on-1 time that I'm getting with Emily now. She is really thriving with her daily time with just me. I've been working on teaching her nursery ryhmes and silly songs that I can remember from childhood. I find that I've forgotten a lot of them though, so I hope that I can find some more online or something. She can sing "You Are My Sunshine," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Hust Little Baby," and "Rock-a-bye Baby." It's so cute to hear her sing. I love it. I also really want to try to find some activities that I can do at home with her that will teach her things.

I'm not interested in fully homeschooling either of my children, but I definietly do want to find more ideas for home learning and things that we can do at home. They're both very smart, but with Evan's speech problems and Emily's anger/seperation anxiety, I feel that they would benefit some additional learning at home. Maybe this is basic parenting 101, but I'm finally catching on doing doing extra things other than just coloring/drawing, painting, and play doh.

(+) The chickens are doing very well! We still have all 17 that we started with and they are now 3 weeks old! They are little eating machines and we are starting to get an idea of how many pullets/cockerels that we have. It's been a very interesting and educating journey. The kids are absolutely crazy about them and enjoy helping to feed them and give them nightly cuddles. While I was cleaning out their brooder a couple of days ago, I put them out in their big outdoor pen that they'll eventually be in permanently once they get their feathers. They were really nervous about it and stayed all together. They're still pretty young though, so that's expected I suppose.

(+) Evan has been doing wonderfully at school! He just completed his first week. On the first day, I cried like a baby after dropping him off. I cried the whole way to my Meme's house where I was going to drop Emily off. It was a  really sad morning for me. I've just never left him with anyone other than family before. And he was looking like such a BIG boy. How did my little baby become a big, independent 4-year old preschooler? He has made two friends at school, their names are Patrick and Gunner. Evan seems to get along with them really well and he's happy to go see them. I'm so proud. I'm a little concerned because it doesn't seem like I get much of any feedback from the teacher about how he's doing or if he's causing trouble. Danny says that I should just assume that no news means good news and that we have nothing to worry about. I'm still just concerned. The teacher is really young and this is her first year with a class, so I'm sure that she's probably overwhelmed with having 20 little ones in the mornings and another 10 in the afternoons. I'm sure that's a lot to keep track of and I know that she's probably too busy to spend time talking to each parent! She sent home a little goal survey paper for the parents to fill out and on it I wrote that I'm very interested in hearing about Evan's progress and I would like to receive feedback about how he's doing, what we can do to improve, etc. I hope that it goes over well, but we'll see.

(+) After taking Evan to his 4-year old well-child visit, I asked the doctor about his speech and whether we should be concerned. He's very smart and knows A LOT of different words, but he has a hard time with articulation. At his 3-year visit, she had mentioned that she was slightly concerned with it and ordered a hearing test. The hearing test went well and we decided to give it another year and see how much he improved with age + us working with him some. The doctor said that he has definitely improved since last year, but if we were concerned then she would refer us to a speech therapist to see. We agreed to meet with the therapist and she spent an hour with Evan. As a parent, it's very hard to sit and listen to your child do one of those speech tests and hear them have difficulty. You don't realize it so much during everyday conversation, but hearing him pronounce the specific words that she requested him made me realize that he definitely has some areas to work on. After the test was over, the therapist told me that he mispronounced about 40% of the words. She recommended that we put him in speech therapy twice a week for 30 minute sessions. She pulled our insurance information and our insurance COVERS NOTHING!! :( At first, we though it would cover the first 20 visits and we would only need to pay a copay, but after looking more closely, it doesn't cover anything at all. I asked the lady how much the visits are typically and she couldn't give me any numbers, which was definitely annoying. But just going off of what our copay is ($25), which we know it'll be much more than that, but just starting with that... If we go twice a week then that's $200 a month! I have no idea how much it'll be honestly. We are not in a position where we can add a large extra expense right now. And just honestly, time-wise, I don't know how the scheduling would work. Because he has school from 8:15-11:15 each morning, we would need afternoon visits and we could only do Wednesday and Thursday afternoons. So those are Danny's only days off and he would basically spend the entire day running around between picking Evan up from school, feeding the kids lunch, dropping Emily off with a babysitter, taking Evan to speech, picking Emily up again and then driving home. Very time consuming.

(+) I mentioned to Evan's teacher that we were looking into putting Evan into speech therapy and asked her if the school had a therapist for the older kids...and She said they actually have a person who comes once a week and they can start meeting with the kids from pre-k! FREE! WHAT A BLESSING!! She is going to have him screened next week and then she'll provide us with additional information about what we need to do next. I am just so happy! I was seriously stressed out about how we were going to try to make speech therapy work and I feel like this is just an answer to my prayers! So wonderful.

(+) I've been doing a lot of research about being a better parent. Mainly information about home education. Not that I plan to homeschool or anything like that, but I feel like I have a lot of areas that I could work on to improve my parenting skills and be a better mom to my kids. I'm praying for more patients with my kids and that I will hold my tongue when speaking with my husband.

(+) I feel like this season of marriage is just so strange. I don't know that I would say that it's hard. We just don't see each other a ton. When we are together, we have the kids right there with us and so that's difficult, too. Our relationship has definitely changed and I know that it needs some work.

1. Jack & Jill - James Patterson, 466 pages
2. Cat and Mouse - James Patterson, 450 pages
3. Step On A Crack - James Patterson, 383 pages
4. Pop Goes the Weasel - James Patterson, 461 pages
5. The Melody Lingers On - Mary Higgins Clark, 262 pages
6. Roses Are Red - James Patterson, 416 pages

Totals: 6 books read, 2438 pages



(updated end of each month)
Year to date totals:
46 / 50 books read: 92% complete
13,947 / 15000 pages: 93% complete