Despite me not updating this in ages, I check LJ everyday. So I'm still reading everything you guys write, just rarely commenting. I wish I would have updated this on a more frequent basis. To sum up everything since missed, i moved out of those apartments I lived in, got a house with tim and my best friend..and have spent everyday since stoned at the least. 2008 seems so far as nothing other then a drug binge. Heavy on the binge the past 2 months. It doesn't even matter what I am being offered, I will literrarly say yes to just about anything I can get my hands on. And everything is chased with booze. And i dropped a lot of weight, and am almost back to 100 but at the same time feel like my body still looks like a mess. I am a mess. I'm also worried about my memory because I feel like it's lacking lately. I have the hardest time remembering simple things. Or separating what I think was something I dreamt with reality, and vise versa. First week of april i did about 25mg xanax in less then 3 full days. That entire week is a complete black blank question mark in my head. People think I may have caused retrograde amnesia since I had no intentions of taking more then 2mg i had to start with. And now i don't know if my memory problems were caused by this or started even before that.
I'm almost glad I don't have money this week.
...I'm saying this now but come wednesday i'll probably be singing another tune.
I just need to learn how to have fun again without depending on a drug/booze. This would be less hard if I didn't live in nebraska. I'm hoping this warm weather on the rise will change all this crazyness i've been feeling.
Like the sound of footsteps on empty streets on busy streets at 4 in the morning with the rain drizzling and you're walking. The sound of an entire city sleeping, and nothing but the sound of your own feet.
Or the night I was convinced with every bone in my body that I was going to kill her and tried to hunt her down through the SCC parking lots, in my mind beligerent drunk thinking I was a hunter stalking it's prey, and thinking if my life was a movie what the soundtrack would be to the soon upcoming fight scene.
Almost a year of no contact and all of a sudden i'm reading a message in my cell phones inbox that made my entire world freeze. I'd be lieing if I didn't say thoughts of "what if" hadn't played out in my mind dozens of times since then, but in the end things then are the same as they are now. I will get to new york city on my own, I need no ring on my finger as proof. I will be no ones prize. And despite my hidden wanting of living life decadently, I will do so MY way.
I just got this movie Which will forever be one of the best films i've ever seen without really understanding what was going on.
I made a pledge to start using this more starting at the begining of the year. But nothing has really happened as I have been hermiting myself away due to the cold. I miss people.
I don't remember all of it so this is condensed and if you don't wanna hear it well obviously quit reading it. FYI i always have dreams that are wacked out like this, but few have had any impact on me to terrify me this much.
There was a whole different story to the begining of my dream but since it has nothing to do with the current one I wont bother. Apparently my apartment building is connected to the mall, and not even lincoln's mall but some multi level type place (think mall of america but less big) and you can either take the stairs or use this huge glass elevator thing. And of course theres a limit to how much weight can be in it.
Well i'm in it waiting to go to my floor and it's already quite full and we're all chilling cuz apparently the elevator leaves every certain time (like the city bus) and just when i thoguht it was full enough some GIGANTIC guy walks onto the platform and they get a scale and weigh him to make sure we're all under the max weight limit, i freak out and just opt to take the stairs. I end up in the mall where the main other elevators are closed due to some exhibit going on there and this kid from LNE is there and i'm trying to figure out how to get to my apartment and the security guy says he'll take me and LNE boy comes along as do these 2 other chicks. We have to trek all the way around the place and up red brick stairs which go off into this expensive chateu apartments that the owners of the place had declined me residency of because I kept a pet? Anyway the LNE boy and security guard were at the top of the brick stairs when all of a sudden we see them get attacked visciously by a fucking rabid jackal and so we run back down and try and make it into the parking lot to go use the service glass elevators and the girls are ahead of me and i'm freaking out and i may have been bit i dont remember.
I make it into the service elevator where some nut job girl has decided she's going to live. And puts face paint on me and then injects a shot of jackal pheromone in me to lure the animal to finish me. And then kicks me out of the elevator. Apparently the pheromone is too strong for humans to smell because NO ONE wanted to help me and they all ran away. Finally i guess the smell wore off and someone helped me and they attacked the jackal and I thought all was right with the world. Finally I could head back to my apartment.
I wait in line for the elevator yet again and ride it to the 2nd floor and get off, not realizing I need the 3rd floor. The security guard with us told us to be careful because apparently it wasn't just one jackal out but a whole pack of them and they've infiltrated the mall and apartment buildings. The hall way was trashed and the lights were flickering. After hearing that i tried to hurry up and make it back to the elevator but it was too late. I was stuck on the wrong floor.
This is where the dream has a lot of running around and such in it as I try and perserve my life. I tag along with this one guy who seemed to know what he was doing and also lived on my floor. We broke through to some doors that were SUPPOSED to lead us to the third floor but instead led us into the back room of Spencers in the mall. I walk out the mall and into sunlight and fresh air drenched in blood to find two people with gasoline starting to drench the place, out of another door a dead plastic baby head falls out (what this has to do with anything idk but it scared the shit outta me). Despite all the sunnyness and birds chirping all i wanted was to just be in my own apartment, so I went back to the carnage.
Back inside spencers I found a dog that had gotten into the store from the main hallway through this hole I had missed to see. I startled him and he ran back into the hole and started barking. I knew the rabid jackals didn't want the dog they wanted human flesh so I figured I needed to get the hell outta there ASAP before the whole pack comes to spencers. I lifted up a door that appeared to be an attic door and watched the jackals run past, but didn't close the door fast enough as two had caught me watching and hurled themselves in my direction. I tried shutting the door on them, with their bodys still half in, half out of the store but it was too much, one kept biting my arm and the other was just stuck inbetween it all, i finally hurt both of them and fling them onto the floor of spencers. All i hear is quiet. I figure i'm safe because the jackals must be elsewhere. I open the attic door fast and am halfway out the door when all of a sudden I see all their eyes blink open and they're a foot away from me but were hiding in the shadows, they ALL lung towards me..
Tim has court in a few hours. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Considering the last time he told me not to worry, he went to jail for a few days courtesy of one seth kettlehut. I'm still pissed about that.
