It must be karma the way it's spinning so negatively towards me.
So, dear class of '97 friends, those few I had, I'm sorry I lost touch. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to communicate and try to find you. Those who graduated after me, I'm sorry if I came back and was ignorant to who you were and how you lived despite my "new life" as a college student.
If your intent is to run away and hide then I hear you loud and clear.
You can't go from one extreme to the other and assume everything is fine. And going into your office with all your buddies and closing the door to have lunch is the loudest and clearest message you've sent all week.
What happened?
This isn't the way we are supposed to work together. I liked it better last year.
Maybe it's me? What did I do to lead you to believe my message was different?
I guess we're drifting? Is this the way it is? okay. I guess.
So I took a ride yesterday to Plymouth. I needed to just sit by the water, watch and listen. There was a lot of stuff bouncing around in my head and I needed to just let it work itself out.
As soon as I sat down, this man, Bruce and his young son, Mickey sat with me. Mickey spoke very loud because he'd just had cochlear implants fitted. I didn't feel threatened at all- he was from the Czech Republic and he was now living here.
I listened to him tell his son stories of when he worked as a look out on a ship. His son just babbled and talked about whatever topic he could think of. I heard, "hey Dad? I love you!" it was very sweet.
While I didn't exactly work out my mind until the ride home- it was endearing to see people still behave and act like that. In a world full of hurt and stress, take time to tell someone you love them or that you care about them. It'll be worth it.
I've just been slightly blindsided by a situation. For those who read my blog- they're probably going to be REALLY cryptic because I am protecting those who I am speaking about. I label this blog my "bitch blog" because it's a place where I can vent and it just go out into the viral world without anyone really knowing. But the rush of knowing my words are out there and someone could possibly read them..... I dunno.....
Everyone hurts at some point. And that's ok. But hurting alone is harder. Even if you have someone to just sit with- and say no words. Let your mind go- let it spin. Alone time is always important, I am totally an advocate of that. But if you're just shutting out everyone to think for days- know that there is someone who worries. Not for any other reason except I care for you as a person- whether you like it or not.
I don't want any person to worry about what others will think if they make decisions that are best for themselves. That's silly- everyone makes decisions they think are right for them. It's the best way to live.
But just know. Any time. Any place. Lots of words. No words. It's support. It's just sharing friendship. Just having someone to lean on when you don't feel strong enough. I haven't and will never think of you as a "not strong" person because you need to lean.
I thought I'd done a great thing. I thought assigning section leader to the obvious leaders of the group was a GOOD idea. Let them share their skills among their peers.
I guess it never crossed my mind that they may not want it.
But, the question now becomes- if I DIDN'T give it to you, would you have been pissed?
Being a high school teacher is so difficult. You make decisions for what you think it the better of your class. You WANT them to be good. Who doesn't want to be good. Telling a student they're good and wanting them to share their best practices is either something they aren't used to- or something they aren't willing to share. Do they NOT want to be that person who rises above?
I wish when I was in high school I was as "good" as they are. But, I have to admit, I may not have known what to do with it either. I never wanted to be a person who stuck out among the rest.
Did I make a rash decision because of poor planning on my part? I guess so? who knows.... I hope I didn't set myself up for failure- or worse- set my students up for failure.
I remember chorus in high school. I was there to get away from everyone else. I could be myself. I didn't get made fun of for a whole hour. I was cool to someone for a whole hour.
I also remember the music. While I never cared what we sang, now knowing what I know, there is so much better literature out there. Maybe there wasn't the availability to get it before? Maybe the resources weren't as good?
But, now I am in charge of that same choir. I have more talented singers. They have a director who has better resources. They have a director who knows chorus before any other instrument. They have a director who has advanced degrees in music performance, and not in education.
But what the heck is happening? I gave the music out in January. JANUARY! Did I not prepare them enough? Shouldn't they be bored with this literature? There was only a month where we weren't looking at this literature. There was only a month where we were distracted with other music.
I failed somewhere and I really don't know where. I find myself questioning my musicianship, questioning my judgement, and questioning my own ability to teach effectively. Are they pushing back on me because the literature is too difficult? Did I not set them up for success because it's too hard and beyond the scope of their ability? I know they care. I know they want to be good. I know they want to do their best for me.
I put all my musical trust into them. Is it right?
Did I fall on my face as a first year teacher and now I am dragging them through the mud with me? That's not fair.
There isn't anything one person alone can do. How do you teach cohesive? How do you teach teamwork especially when it has to be generated from someone else besides yourself? How do you teach "Win as a team lose as a team?"
I've done something really wrong if students are having sectionals the day before a concert. They should be home resting. I've done something wrong if I cannot sleep the night before a concert because I know damn well music isn't prepared. There is no blame to pass. It's my fault. It's my fault that my expectations weren't clear. While I cannot give them all the answers, nor can I make all the correct notes come out of their mouths, I can, and apparently should have, given them more tools in their toolbox to help them achieve this. I REFUSE to pick easier music. I REFUSE to be mediocre. I REFUSE to not set upperclassmen up to go to college for music and feel prepared. I REFUSE to take "I can't" or "I won't" as a means to a undesirable end. You want it, you earn it. And you work hard for it. Life ain't all sugary handouts.
Wow! It's been a year and a half since I posted on this blog. So much has happened.
I'm married now. Been married for 9 days- and I love being someone's wife. Troy, Coda and Rachy are all wonderful- maybe I am still in a land of bliss.
I am a teacher now- and I love my students. Sometimes I think I love them too much. Sometimes I think I care too much about them.
The point of the blog tonight- well, I am not really sure. I find myself pushing the proverbial envelope more and more. Is it worth it? My gut and heart say yes without a doubt. But my brain, and of course what plagues me at night- my conscience- say, "um excuse me, but do you think maybe we should think about this first?"
I can't help it. It's me- it's who I am. The harder the envelope gets pushed back- the harder I'll push it further. I always lead with my heart. While I've had it stomped on, beaten, shattered, molested..... it's always lead me better than using my brain. My brain only lets the critical thinking do the work. While it's valid and will probably work out just fine- omitting my heart from decisions makes it hard for me to believe in myself and others. I'm ALL IN- no matter what. Whether the envelope comes back to me or not.
It's been three weeks since I left BU and I feel lighter, more rested and far less stressed. I suppose that means I have made a good choice. I cannot believe the difference a short commute makes on a person's well being.
nervous