Not only am I physically tired because of my job, my mind is also exhausted. I did a whole lot of thinking last night while I was at work. The is one of the things I hate most about my job, it gives me way too much time to think. Well, while I was working, I was thinking about my relationship with my husband. We're not actually married, I just call him my husband because that was the intent at one point, and to get thirsty guys to leave me alone (though sometimes that doesn't even work). Anyway, I was thinking about our relationship and how ridiculously flawed it is. Our relaionship is great when you're just looking at the surface, but there are so many real, and troubling issues when you look deeper. I love him, I really do, but we all know that sometimes love isn' enough. Sometimes- despite the love you have for one another- things should just end. That's how I feel, anyway. He's just done so many things, and I can't get past them. I'm not completely innocent either, but I figured things out and tried my best for the both of us. I really don't feel the need for us to be married. I mean the only reason why I would still marry him is because it's the proper thing to do, and it's expected of us from both our families. And it would just make things simple. That's sad isn't it? I know it has been a practice to marry for purposes other than love, but I can't marry for any other reason than love. And I love him, but...obviously not enough to spend my life with him.
It's been a while, so naturally there's a lot to say. Lets start. I'm not going to DeVry. They kicked me out cause I sucked. Now I'm not mad at that; I deserved it, but they wait to tell me after I start my classes (paid and everything) and I'm half way thorough it. That was a bitch move I think. I'm going to a community college now. Next, I had a huge problems with kidney stones in July, an also got into a bad car accident with a friend. Now, my brother and his family are living with my mother and I. So I don't have time to myself really since I've been hired as babysitter. I wanted to participate in NaNoWriMo, but that's definitely not happening (especially since I didn't even get to finish outlining the first chapter). I mean, I guess I could still try. Idk, I hate everything.
I'm so freaking tired right now. Well, I'm back at home now, no longer staying with my sister (finally had enough, and my mom helped out with my return). I got to see my friends, and everything is...all right. I'm excited about starting my new classes- finally on campus- and I can't wait to show my full potential, but there's always something in the back of my mind...hovering over me. I already knew I had a problem from way back, but there was a time I thought I was past all of it. I just get so..."blah" out of nowhere, like I really just don't care about anything. I tend to think about my faults and regrets and the reason I hate myself during these periods.That's not cool when you're trying to make something of yourself, start a life. I determined to find help now, it's probably about time. Other than that, I'm having the usual relationship problems. I am currently torn between my not-so-much ex, and my best friend's brother. Yea, everyone thought that having a relationship with my best friend's bother was weird/wrong...I don't know about that. We had started talking some time after I broke up with my now not-so-much ex. We pretty much connected instantly, haha. He was sweet, funny, and his maturity was through the roof (meaning way higher than my not-so-much ex). He also has this way of thinking...I can't describe it, but I love the way he thinks (I have this thing, that in order for me to be attracted to a guy, he has to be "intellectually stimulating" as I call it). Now when it comes to my not-so-much ex (and I call him that for reasons I will explain later), we are broken, helplessly broken. We have a whole lot of crap between us, ranging from him cheating to me breaking up with him for someone else...it's just a mess. We've been on and off, and I've been trying to my best to stay positive and move on, but for some reason he's the one stuck in the past. He keeps bringing up how I hurt him, and how he's mad for getting with this guy, blah blah blah. Am I wrong for getting mad at him when he does this? It's not like I freaking cheated on him. I know I was wrong, but geez. It endured for three months, me and the other guy, and he is forever scarred by it. Please. He was the one that cheated, WITH TWO OTHER GUYS, and then had the nerve to come over THE NEXT FREAKING DAY, and have sex with me? Like really? I went a month before being told the truth, and it wasn't even from him, and then he had the nerve to lie about it three times before coming clean. The fucking bastard. See what I mean? But for some flipping reason, we can't stay away from each other, which is why I called him my not-so-much ex. I really wanted to see how things would work out with my best friend's brother, cause I like him you know, but I'm freaking drawn to idiot ex. Ugh, I don't know. I just stress myself out too much about trivial stuff. I think this is the longest entry I have ever written. I think I'm about done now, so maybe the next time I write, it will be about my first therapy session. Well, ja.
I don't know why I write entries on here rather than using my actual journal in my desk drawer, but we'll just add that to the list of things I'm not so sure about myself. I haven't actually said everything that has been going on (at least I don't recall doing so), but I guess I can do that now. I've been staying with my sister for a while- since August- helping her with her kids. I was over it since the first month. I love my nephews, I really do, but they're brats. They like to test you, and it's pretty fucking annoying. I take the oldest to and from school, feed them even with my lack of culinary skills, bathe them, discipline them...I'm basically a mother. I. Fucking. Hate. It. I'm 19, I should on the campus of my college, in a dorm, chillin with my roommate. I SHOULD NOT be a stand-in mother. I get a break from them for 4 hours during the day, and that's only Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. On the weekends I try to stay scarce, so I won't have to do much. I'm really tired of being here, and probably won't be able to go home for another two months. I'm stuck taking classes online, failing cause I can't stay focused (I would be able to if I was actually IN a class...), and...I just don't know. I'm just fed up with the whole thing.
Man, do I hate it when I get like this. It's not depressed exactly, but...it's hard to explain. It's like a numbness, a lack of feeling and emotion. I don't know why it happens, but it does and it's completely random. I feel lost, and defeated. I usually have to blast music in my ears in order to get over it (for the time being). It's not as bad as it was before. I used to have tremors in my arms, and I couldn't sit still when I felt this way. Ugh, that was a horrible three months. The worst part of it is that I hurt other people-emotionally. I say the most horrible things- on purpose. At first I didn't understand why I did it, but now I have a theory: I think I intentionally hurt people because I'm trying to feel something. Like I said before, it's like a lack of feeling, and emotion. I think I'm trying make myself feel anything, even if it's guilt, to make sure I'm...alive, or even human. That's a heavy way of saying it, but that's what it's like.
So it is finally 2012...well that's all I can say about this year since it just started, haha. Last year...sucked (it was the most emotional for me, that's for damn sure), but I'm gonna try to make it all work out this year. I guess my resolution would be to make the best of what I have, and don't take things for granted...and maybe stop underestimating myself if I can get around to it. I don't really know why I post on here, you know; I don't think anyone is actually taking the time to read my stuff (that really holds no importance whatsoever), but I'll continue with the foolish notion that there possibly is. Well, as of late, I've been trying to figure out who I am. That's a normal thing to do, right? Unfortunately, I'm not a "normal" person, so it's been rather difficult to figure out. It's almost as if I have multiple personalities...multiple points of view on things, a mixture of different types of people and styles meshed into to one. All of it together is me, but with all of this, it created a very indecisive person. Now, indecision, isn't a really good thing to have when you're a college student-it tends to waste money and time. And that is what my indecision is costing me- a waste of time and money. I'm not sure what to do, and I feel as though I'm a bit more lost than other college students my age. Probably need some motivation as well.
Well actually have a lot more to talk about other than today, since I take forever to post things. I've been doing okay I suppose, sometimes going into a relapse of depression, but I conquered that crap (I won't let it get to me!). If you're thinking it's about a guy, it isn't, it goes way deeper than that. School has been...bad. Needless to say, I've been wasting a lot of money, but I'm not actually totally at fault. Apparently, it was stupid for my mom to force me to take online classes, and to force me to go to college right now anyway. I wanted to work, get my own stuff to get used to paying bills, then start college (it's another bill, is it not?). Whatever, I'm rambling. My flash drive broke, so I lost some work that I did on my story (based on the song Intentions by We Came as Romans, and I still don't have a name for it yet). It's the first solid story (that I'm bent on completing, haha), and it's science fiction. I'm really excited about it. I'm not that far, and I don't have a lot time to work on it, but this story, with this plot, I have to finish it, lol. I haven't had any inspiration for poems, but that's okay. Hopefully everything works out for me.
This past Saturday was the best. I woke up with an awesome positive mood, took an awesome, dance around in the bathroom listening to awesome music, and made myself extra pretty. I went to a party with all my friends (that I missed so much) and had a great time. I thought about my ex, but I didn't get sad, I looked at it with a "it was fun while it lasted" attitude. I do miss him, but now it isn't about him, I need to do what's best for me, and no matter how much it hurts right now, being away is the best. It's not like it's official right now, I mean, like we'll never get together again (even though I would rather he just say that), so I have a little hope, but I'll make sure not to overwhelm myself. Oh, great. Just found out he hooked up with one our friends. Yay. -_-
So, as a short version to what has been going on these past couple days, I will say that I've been horrible to my significant other, and we are currently on a break. At first it was a horrible thing, but then we talked and I realized I was way too dependent on him for happiness. So, I put the ring he gave me to the side, and set out to make myself a better person, and create happiness for myself. I feel very accomplished about that, considering I was never one to go out and fend for myself in the first place. I'm so tired of the old me. I know that even as I'm doing this, if he were to find someone new, it would hurt, but I know that with this new attitude, I can find someone new too. If we don't get back together, I wish him the best.
Okay, I would really like a penpal, and it's because I've never had one before. I'm currently taking my college classes online due to family stuffs, and so I haven't really met anyone new. I would like to have a penpal in order to have that opportunity. So, if you guys are looking for a penpal, you can count on me to be one. Just send me a message on here, we can send emails, message on facebook, whatever; I'm game.
tired
sleepy
frustrated
chipper