mark373, posts by tag: depressed - LiveJournal

I feel like shit ...
It's like NOTHING can be worse ...
I am at one of the lowest points I have ever been at ...
It is not good ...

basically today sucked ASS ...

first ... I start the day by seeing someone I really am not comfortable around ...

then i was late to a Chorale, even though the bell DEFFINATLY didnt ring ...

so I went to free instead of Tardy Restricted

Went to the comp lab with Liz ..

did some work ...

then decided to wait for her ...

and since i had nothing to do ...

i went to livejournal ...

and the stupid comp lady yelled at me and kicked me out ...

i was about ready to cry ...

then gym ...

i changed ...

and i found that SOMEHOW i had managed to put my pants in a loogie that someone had so kindly deposited on the floor ...

worst part ...

it got on the INSIDE of my pants ...

and i had to grin and bear when i put them back on ...

my leg still feels completely nasty ...

then off to English ...

where i found out that i failed the quarter ...

hmmmm ...

reassuring ...

i am now 100% sure i am going to college !

WEEEEE !!!!

During my free i stayed and worked on Math ...

it was nice ...

Birx is deffinatly one of my favorite teachers ...

then i went to Physics ...

not too bad ...

then the whole bomb threat thing AGAIN ...

which almost ENSURES that Senior priveledges are going to be revoked ...

and you know what ?

THAT SUCKS ASS !

and i am to the point where i am going to KILL the person who did it ...

then got home ...

went to Rachel's ...

THAT was ACTUALLY de-stressing ...

played Final Fantasy X

so good ...

then home ...

then Volleyball game ...

which we lost ...

and it made me realize how much i hate religious schools ...

RCS was deffinatly a place that left scars in my life ...

like having a eraser chucked at your head ...

feeling UNSAFE in school ...

they think i am afraid of little bomb threats that i know are just hoaxes ?

i am more scared of a two by four flying at my head ...

and how is that remembered ?

in the name of Jesus ?

pretty sweet savior you ASSHOLES !

(and i know that is not really what Jesus would do ...)

and ...

yeah ...

i am feeling more alone and isolated then ever ...

i ...

i am losing grip on my life ...

It is spinning out of control ...

like a bird shot mid-air in the wing ...

crashing down ...

i feel so lost ...

i ...

i dont know who or what i am anymore ...

i want to feel happy again ...

feel like the sun once more can penetrate my soul ...

"Where I’ve become so numb without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life"

and i really want to ask my friends for help ...

but ...

I can't ...

It just feels like ...

It will start conflict ...

I don't want to be a broken record ...

so much has hurt me ...

and i take a long time to heal ...

and i know it bugs people ...

and i cant stand bugging people with my own problems ...

they started as mine, they are mine to bear, and they SHOULD be mine to get rid of ...

I hate dumping on others ...

so here i am ...

feeling like things can't get worse ...

wanting to just curl up and sleep until the pain passes ...

but i know it wont pass ...

until i face it ...

until i gather enough strength to fight it ...

until i stop being weak ...

love is lost to me ...

strength is gone from me ...

All i have i bear alone ...

All my faults i must atone ...

The emotions, cold, like solid ice ...

Caution thrown, two morbid dice ...

The lucky seven, yet to throw ...

And my future, still, I do not know ...




-Mark-