mama5

Listening to my lovely 5year olds ranting last night of "I'm god, SILENCE!"
He had an elabrate story by saying at first he was just "nipple man" and then was "batman" and flew in and killed all the people by cutting off their heads. Then he became "god" and made us his parents and then made jesus(which is Tobi) all the while we we would burst out in a roar of laughter he would stand up on the chair and yell "SILENCE!" "I am god and I say SILENCE" I am hopping that we can upload the video that we took to utube - His "disco god" as he said is pretty good also.

The shrilling screams of a toddler not getting her way,
The soft crys of a baby wanting to nurse,
The sarcasm of a teenager,
The whine of a little girl,
The spasms of a five year old,
The arguementiveness of a nine year old.....
These are the days I will remember???
Everyone yelling....yelling louder than before,
I used to like going to a concert, or listening to the music in my car loud - because I liked the song.
Now, I want silence.
I was told by someone who had many children - she missed these days of children running in and out, fighting, and yelling. She told me - its too quite now. I said I would trade her for

Here we go again - another decision....Do we move a little more out to the country - and let the children have a great yard to play in, with smaller living quarters, all of their hs stuff would have to be in the garage, but we could paint and decorate. OR do we stay here - do something with our back yard - so the baby's can play, use our dining room as a school room, and have more space in the house, have somewhat an area to run to for myself, have a fireplace(even though its fake), and not have the hassle of moving. This is were I had a baby - I have some wierd attachment to this place - even though I would perfer to have the kids outside - the winters are absoultely hell here and if its too cold to go outside - then what? I hope the garage would stay warm enough. The bathrooms are smaller - there would be no "alone time" for Joel and I in the master bath - which is totally okay with me - probably not for him...I don't think there would be space for the baby bed to be put up - although I could be wrong. I would also hate - we move and my new refridge wouldn't fit in the kitchen! But its not like I can bitch to anyone - because that's all I do - bitch, and not make up my mind - It's my fault that we are not moving back down south also.....I am supposed to look 2 years into the future and try to picture my babies at 2 and 3 at any house to see if it works. I like the idea of having a garage/play room/school room/ laundry room - but I like the idea of being within city limits....I'll decide something

precious is the time I have with you
watching you sleep, smile, laugh.....
wanting you to always be with me
with us
a family...
like we should be

Yuck - I don't know if I should just feel bad for the poor fool, or just hope for the best. I'm trying not to pass too quick of a judgement....but it's pretty hard. It has nothing to do with I can't relate to this or that - it's just personality. I will be plesantly suprised if it last more than a few years. He's not the same person I knew... and obviously speaking to his family(which made up one table out of 20) he's not the same either. I feel so yucky going to those things and so guilty....They didn't need the little teapot I bought for them - they had stacks of shit - were as my sister-in-law has nothing. Should have just gave it to her. I can say this - I miss his first wife, she was sweet, aproachable, wasn't fake. Well, gotta let it go -

Depression consumes me....trying so hard to stay afloat in my own madness...Wishing I was moving back to be with everyone - unfortunatly, doesn't seem like it will happen because the house we were going to move into might be going to a neighbor down the street. Why? Why did I even get my hopes up? Why did I even trust him to do something? I think I need to find a small apartment so I at least can stay down here during the winter - I hate the winter. I hate the people. I hate having to put on a happy little face so my children can have some interaction with people...I can't keep doing it...Something in my psychy will give way - I know it will. Then my children will hate me because they won't be allowed to play with anyone. I'm sick of it though - I want to put on some pagan t-shirts on all my children...or some gay pride support shirt..something to say how I feel.

Should we move - should we not move. A year later and we are making the same decision.
Should I change my sons name to Charlie - I love that name. Pros on moving - friends, "grandparents", a great house and nieghborhood, activities for the kids - sports, and dance, and activities for myself - seeing friends. Cons - Joel's commute, all the trouble we just went through and to move again, seans knight class, less money for school, leaving a cute little town that is close to the bay area (well 2hrs) and close to yosemite (when the road opens)and the chance that my dad might like it and move out with us. Well that's that. Its hard.

Nice weekend with some visitors - at least yesterday was beautiful, and the kids all enjoyed a large easter egg hunt, rides, a small trip to the zoo. Then off to the University for an international fair - where Gaby and Max both got Henna tattoos and Sean and Robbie did Suma wrestling - it was really cute. I'm really tired of everything - my house looked wonderful on Friday, before they came, and now well - you can imagine. It shouldn't take me to long to get it back in order. Well, off to buy a birth tub - it looks like my midwifes daughter will watch the kids, hopefully - it's not who I would perfer, but I hope it will work out just as well as Elli's

Well, my birth kit came in the mail - I'm pretty excited, along with a cute shirt that says "I was born at home". Anyway, having our first "house guest" since we moved here this weekend - looking forward to seeing them. I was woken up by my daughter cleaning her bathroom - ahhhhh! I told her, "they won't get here until tonight - we have all day to clean." - "Oh, sorry mommy." Such a sweet girl. Annoying - but sweet.

What happens when you totally lose any type of expecations for someone? or your expecations are just really realistic. That's my husband - I have no expecations at all about him, except for him to not do anything around the house, or help with the children, and to make sure he finds more things to take up his time - so he can avoid doing anything around here. Has he helped get anything ready for the baby? Unless, you consider him finally paying for a new bed for us and putting it together - well, money. I feel so seperated from him - and I don't care. He goes to work, and puts money in the bank account, and that's it. I watched this home improvement show about a couple buying their house, they were older and didn't have kids - they just enjoyed each other's company.I wouldn't want an "evening alone" with him - I would rather spend it with the kids - let alone everyday, or night just the two of us - no children - yuck. It must be you are really in love with that person to do that, spend that much time with someone. Oh well, not much I can do about it right now, maybe eventually I'll have the time to think about it and take action.

All I can think of is how messy my house is - how my husband is annoying - and what I need to get done before this baby is born.
"Are you mad at me?" He asks.
"Why would I be mad at you, can YOU think of a reason why I would be mad at you?"
"No, just wondering," he says "You seem pissy."

AHHHHH!!!!!(totally in my mind)
What part of the day do you take part in my day? Where is the "our" part of the day? Why is it that I feel like I'm the only one that cleans up any mess, organizes toys, put clothes away, wipes down a toliet seat, sweeps a floor. How nice it must be to just wake up and worry about getting yourself ready - I can't imagine!
"You didn't wake me up this morning?"
This is my job, TOO!!!
So, why don't I say anything to him. It's hopeless - he will not change, and I can't change him. I want my children to be concerned about me when I'm older, know where I am, and talk to them at least on weekly basis. I don't want to end up as his mother - totally hated by her children, or his father - totally no exsitent. Yes, my parents screwed up - so do I, but they took time with me, I knew and will always know they love me. I love being with my kids - behavioral problems and all, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
I couldn't imagine leaving them everyday to go to work, I would have to learn to not sleep so I could watch them grow in their sleep - knowing how much I'm missing out on how much they grow during the day. All the little things they say, or do, or ask.

I understand his roll models where not great - at least when I met them, a father that would come home and go straight on the computer back in his room, maybe coming out for dinner. A more lazy mother, or a mother that had totally given up do to more psychotic issues going on inside her brain. There is only so much mental pressures one can have before they snap. I'm very sympathatic with his mother to a certain point - she must have tried, she did, before she went off the deep end. So, these are his parents - is this what you want to turn out to be? Are they your "true" roll models? Do you want to resemble your father or mother in any way, shape, or form? What was good? and What was bad? These are questions only he can go through - not me.

I can tell you, my father would come home from work, and play with me when I was little. He had a whole "tucking" in routine, everynight that he was home. I remeber my favorite story to hear him read was "Brea Rabbit" in his funny voice, and his funny wake up songs. I realize, I had more of a connection with him over my mother - although, I hear her voice especially now on CLEANING!!! That poor woman is rolling in her grave over the state of my house and thinking a child is being brought into it - and not just home to it, born in it.Anyway, there where good things my parents did, and bad things they did - I want to do the good things, and try to change my tendency to do the bad. It seems simple. I want the best for my kids, I want them to have tratitions, and know that I care about them.

Anyway, getting back to "I do everything" - what does he do everyday to help out, besides going to work? Does he help get a child ready - no, not unless I wake him up and ask him. Does he make breakfast, lunch, or dinner - not unless it's "discussed" and I ask him to. Does he do the laundry - again, only when I ask him too. He will never see the toys laying all over the floor and take the time to pick them up and put them away - he wouldn't know where they went and he wouldn't care "how it looked". He will never see all the dirty dishes, and actually take the time to do them ALL and not let some "need to soak". He will never, on his own, fold clothes and know where any of them need to be put away. Why do I have to bark all the orders? I already do that with the kids - him too? Oh, he will help me with the schooling? (Out comes his mother in this one - which is totally contradicting (remeber, she was a lazy homeschool mother)) - He thinks I do to much with them anyway(so his mother was doing the right thing?). And then, he doesn't know how a certain thing was taught in the first place, he would never try to find the manual to see how maybe they show you, show the kids. Or even asks them - what did you do for school today? what did you read? What did you learn? What do you want to learn - "let's go learn it together!"

Oh, well - just nesting issues..... I will like always learn how to do/juggle everything... and adjust.

Still can't think of names - I know how sad.
Chloe, Lucy or Lucilla(?not to sure of spelling), Cecela(again not to sure of spelling)
I also like Lilian
Boys - Zachariah, Ezekeial(again not to sure of spelling)I think "Zeke" sounds cute
I like Reese for a boy or a girl - I guess I'll figure it out.

I recieved an email from a father, from a mom's club group, asking for advice on their first child that happens to be jaundice. Of course, retarted doctor - told them they should supplement to help the jaundice. Why are doctors still so blind about breastfeeding? Could they not be required to read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding? They spend all this time in school, for what? To deliver baby's or become a pediatriction that ONLY deals with children anyway and not know everything to know about breastfeeding?? I could understand, lets say a foot doctor - not knowing to much about breastfeeding but someone that works with children - blah. I really hope they feel like they can call me - I gave them the local LLL leaders #, my # - I also wrote that all 5 of my children had jaundice - and that it is totally normal for something called "breastfeeding" jaundice until mom's milk comes in. It always amazes me how people must think we have reached this far into the future - how where we born, how could our parents be born - let alone a time before bottles! My midwife and I where discussing about her love and my love of giving birth - everything about it, the work, the effort - everything - how it all comes together. I told her my sister says she would just rather "wake up and have her baby" and not have to do all that labor "stuff". She says I'm definitaly a minority, so is she - how sad, so many women fear labor, that they can'tsee how wonderful it really is - with the line of Jewish thinking - it's what makes women closer to God - not the fact to have a child, the process of having the child, the labor of having it and bringing it to this world. Anyway, I'm rambling......