I remember there was once a time when I would let nothing get me down, particularly no physical pain. NO PAIN NO GAIN they say - and besides, if you can do it whilst you hurt, it's all the more power to you right?
Yes, well, today I feel absolute shit and have given into crying and whinging and not wanting to do damned thing. My body is sore, my skin feels itchy and irritated, it hurts my stomach when I laugh, or move ... my nose is blocked so I can't breathe, and my head hurts ... I want to crawl into a hole anddiealittlebit.
What the hell happened to me? When did I become such a weak shit? ARGH.
I really don't know what to post. Just thought I'd pop in a say hello.
I could do a general update about life, but there's not really much to update. Same old same old.
I guess, what I'm saying is I still do exist ... so don't completely write me off just yet. Check out my tumblr :) New project: threehundredandsixtyfive smiles. It's harder than my photo project last year, even if I don't write much - I'm suddenly aware of being 'too open' so there's an attempt to quell that. But it's difficult because once you (I) start babbling ... well I just don't shut up. Though being too ambiguous is annoying because it doesn't really convey the 'moral' of my 'smiles'.
And then, it's just plain tiresome to do something that involves so much thought everyday, especially when I'm feeling super depressed .... though, that's the point isn't it?
Yes, it really depresses and scares me at times. Sometimes it scares me so much so I freeze up and can't think of anything but my inadequacies and failures, slowly, or quickly, spiralling into a hole so deep and dark it seems like there's no hope. Sometimes I open my eyes in the morning and my first, if not one of my first, thoughts is "What's the point?"
Despite all this, I'm too stubborn to give up. Or too selfish. Either way, I'm not quite ready to give up, so I continue trying, best I can. Perhaps not the most enthusiastic try at times, but I still try. I wake up, pull myself out of bed, brush my teeth .... get on with that seemingly pointless daily grind. Because despite the evidence, I refuse to believe it's all pointless. There is something out there, somewhere along the line. There has to be, right? Just take it all one step at a time...
And the person who's writing this now? I hope she's a mere ghost of the past in ten years time, replaced by someone stronger and better than these depressive thoughts.
My job is a pretty easy, relaxed, carefree one. I don't mind doing it. It's not something that I absolutely despise. Granted, if I had to do it full time, I would end up shooting someone/something. It's not interesting enough to keep me amused. But as a part time thing, when I have OTHER things going on in my life, I like my job. I do. Really.
It's hard to believe - most people hate their jobs.
I'm getting to that stage though, if I'm not already there. I HATE "COMPANYX'.
argh. I need a real job, soon. Otherwise I'll just go fricken crazy and .. ARGGGH.
So why am I writing this post at 1.28AM? Because I've just come back from a horrible, horrible Wednesday night at work. and need to cool down before I close my eyes. Despite being tired as hell and wanting nothing more than SLEEP, I know that if I close my eyes now, without emptying my brain of the horrors of work, I will have nothing but nightmares of the place.
When I first started, I was so stressed out I had this one dream where my feet were glued to the spot and I had to just keep putting items through the scanner. Over and over and over and over and over and over until my fingers bled.
This time however, I get the impression the place would eat me alive.
So. My new 365? Rather than photo themed, it'll be smile - themed :) A daily smile for 365 days, in whatever format. Most likely photo form, but hey, we'll see what happens.
So, follow maiaki@tumblr to view threehundredandsixtyfive smiles :)
I'm still trying to work out how to use tumblr - so it might be a little odd looking until I work out all the kinks. :)
The panic the night before the exam after I've lazily studied and realised I haven't studied enough and indecisiveness as to whether I forgo sleep and cram more into my tired brain hoping it doesn't slip out as I pass out on exam paper, or whether I should just sleep and hope it all holds together the next day.
Well, I'm tired so I'm going to sleep now. I'll cram some more when I wake up maybe.
Certain things aren't working out the way I want it to.
And yes, I do hear the spoilt selfishness in that statement, but I can't stop the boiling anger, annoyance, frustration and severe disappointment that comes up when things, particular things, don't work out how I want it to.
I know I can't have everything I want. I know consideration needs to be taken for other people and situations, circumstances beyond anyone's control. I know I have it pretty good - that I shouldn't complain because things could be so much worse. Don't be a little brat about things.
Something's changed lately though. That peace that held me together previously, the peace that made me content and mostly happy with compromises seems to have deserted me, letting the anger and selfishness reign.
I want to bitch and complain about how it's "too much to ask" just to have one simple little thing go right.
Maybe it is too much to ask. The world just doesn't have enough cosmic energy or whatever to let me have my way, exactly the way I want without all these compromises.
It feels like I've spent my entire life compromising.
When the fuck can I stop compromising? I'm starting to get sick of my own bullshit "it could be worse."
Right off the bat, I can't say I trust people completely.
But I have no reason to not trust them.
So until they give me reason not to, I will trust them - even if I know better, it's not in my nature to believe people are natural born liars.
But if they lose that trust, they can't expect to ever get it back. They can't even expect me to speak to them ever again. Care for them ceases to exist - indifference will reign.
"Oh please, you hate anything dishonest. Liars and lies." "....Yeah."
"I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel) I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
"Well you impress me so completely I start obsessing to hear from you Whatever you do, you do sweetly It takes a lot to not take from you
You're not secure enough to tell me Your first impression of all these clowns So you'll be tricky enough to compel me To take the lead and to speak out loud (Yeah, ooh, yeah... oh...)
Speak to me and don't speak softly Talk to me and let me know Grab hold of my shoulder and tell me Grab hold and do not let go Grab hold and do not let go
And if you find yourself repeating Some of those incoherent sounds Just talkin' to yourself is cheating You might as well stick your head in the ground (Yeah... oh oh oh oh oh)
Speak to me and don't speak softly Talk to me and let me know Grab hold of my shoulder and tell me Grab hold and do not let go Grab hold and do not let go
I feel compelled to just yell out for you To say the words that you can't bring out But I cannot do everything for you And if I don't then these stones will shout Yeah if I don't, then these stones will shout Well if I don't, then these stones will shout (If I don't then these stones will shout)
So if I were to just lay in silence And see if you would take control These stones below me then may become violent And they will wrestle me, pester me, mess with me Just tryin' to free your soul
Speak to me and don't speak softly Talk to me and let me know Grab hold of my shoulder and tell me Grab hold and do not let go
Speak to me and don't speak softly Talk to me and let me know Grab hold of my shoulder and tell me Grab hold and do not let go Grab hold and do not let go Grab hold and do not let go Grab hold and do not let go"
sore
contemplative
determined
tired