An Early User Journey

So

So I’m just reflecting on being alone & not ever dating. I guess what starting me thinking about this was some guy who showed up at my friends house as a result of an Internet scam. He was taking to someone posing as a woman & requested a game gift card to be sent before hey met. The poor guy was just sent to it friends house & was then told he was lied to & scammed.

It just made me remember why it’s not worth it. For my dating pool basically Caroline from the most recent epic scam comes to mind as the typical dating prospect in the elite parts of Buffalo. As you can see by the profile it’s just better to be alone.

Do I regret not having mommy life in order when I was younger? Yes I do although to be honest I was never bad the backing, foundation or mindset to be the agile, provider & protector ect whatever tradition calls for.

Also tonight I just went out to this country brewery to listen to sone acoustic music. I went on tinder & saw some women I had a mini Crush on years ago when I worked at the casino. She’s most likely still a childless party chick in middle age. A part of me wanted to swipe right then I was like why? Left it was & ironically she was the last available woman out there in the immediate range as it went blank! Talk about a internet reality reinforcing real life realty?

So asexually it is & me accepting my circumstances without any negativity. As they say it is what it is.

So this guy that I knew from my childhood & adolescent years passed away. I’m not going to sugar coat it too much but out of minimal respect I never got along with him. He was a condescending dick to anything he said so it seemed. I never friended him on “that social network” & never really thought of him. Outside of people that I knew bringing him up he never entered into my psyche.

In the couple of people who posted & sent his obituary I took a peek at his content. I saw an old family vacation photo & it hit me in the feelsz it was his sports newspaper writer Dad, mom sister & himself. It looked like the early 80’s & they had striped tube socks. It just struck a chord & I don’t k ow why.

His obit read about the stuff he did in high school (which I fully recall) sone summer gig at a historical site (knew people who worked with him) and basically his faded life. He lives in Mpls & went to Minn as B10 college BB was his passion or from what I remember personality trait.

Which lead me to realize that I needed to do something more right my life than being a bro or whatever he was (not sure what he was as he didn’t seem that overall successful)

Yes he did have & suffer from MS which I didn’t know or realize. Which makes me feel even worse is that he spent like the last 8 in a nursing home & his last days in Hospice.

There is always the “deathbed conversion” or making a 180 degree turn but how do you know if you don’t post your L’s? In sone ways I may have tired to be a friend especially over the last 4-5 years as sone politics may have aligned. But privacy & controlling our lives is the priority of what seems to be the order of things.

I’m not sure if I’ll go to the funeral mass but there is a possibility I may just because most of the memories I have of him are of church school. We’ll see but it’s odd how these deaths get to me on some level.


Anyways RIP & thank you for the motivation to do more with my life.

I’m just under performing yet the world is leaving me alone to an extent for the most part. I’m in an organization that is very shallow on their bench. But it’s not uncommon for places to experience “shrinkFlation” although some entities have been doing it politically for years.
I feel as if I should be doing so much more but like the Military in wartime people get those “battlefield promotions” I feel as if I kinda am in one as someone in the development program

Also working remotely for a place many miles away does out a different take on things. It’s odd as I have to adapt to their culture and yet it seems that people are kinda curious that I’m the “Anglo” guy. In some ways I’m glad I hooked up with two Hispanic women with one of Colour. But at the same time there is some detachment that I don’t or wouldn’t want to get with any of them. It’s not like my life has been great over the last little while but if I was to get married again it would be someone from the pool of people I “Work” with in sense. It’s not like I’m done catch at this moment but there are other groups I’m not interested in either.

Life is different 2+ years in this thing and now with a world war of sorts going on. If I could I’d be somewhere in Florida right now hanging with my Russian from Eastern part of conflict zone buddy who ended up in SFL as his wife from the old country is divorcing him. For me I’d find some Lana Del Rey traumatized trust fund girl Around 30 to get drunk with & whatever with around the beach.

Is that ideal or healthy probably not but again I’m not the “man” that wartime required to sire a family. Let alone having the $. The elites are happy that I’m some peacock craft beer drinking depression era newspaper boy hat wearing guy.

What is it going to take to snap me into exceeding as a made man? Who knows I still am faking it using the above looks and mannerism style wise. It’s ironic that I’m doing western equity inclusion diversity training stuff over the next couple of weeks. Are they going to explain how I coast along due to factors they I can’t control? Who knows but it just may remind me that the other parts of life like love is merit based?

We shall see but I find it there even though I have written a bit here I have been severely slacking in writing don’t work. Anyways back to me drinking a 3.8% beer listening to a hipster couple with a guy wearing that kind of hat!!!

Oh this new setup does seem nice but damn it’s hard to actually get to writing.

Ok so I’m just trying to be somewhere productive while “going out” basically me sitting in a brewery ordering a chili & 2 beers which will cost me $30 because this is how things are done in CV19 world here in this state.

I’ve come here mostly during dates recently but now I’m [post sexual] (I had a tear on my ‘banjo string’ a few years ago & got traumatized where I am extremely careful if I do engage Where it’s like infrequent if I do. But ironically the women I have dated are dealing with some stuff on their own (hysterectomy) so it’s a weird balance in a F’d up way.

But what have I learned from all of it? I’ve never had it better ironically getting dates. Then again maybe it’s due to the whole pandemic thing actually working out good for me? I’m one of the lucky ones who work from home & never missed a paycheck so maybe people can pick up on my confidence in these uncertain times?

Anyway it’s also different for me to engage knowing I’m not up to the true task of the dance. It just seems to be that me not giving a shit seems to work out well in an odd way. I wish I’d had known when I had all of my nerve endings!

Though I did see a friend appear on a dating app which was a Surprise as I thought her marriage was rock solid. So weird to see it out there without any drama on the other social networks. Another curveball was seeing a lifelong friend’s wife on a dating app which was a shocking surprise. It was so damn awkward & weird. But knowing the guy it makes total sense.

Anyway I’m just here enjoying a Rauchbier taking in the blue collar working class bros on my right & the hawt blondes to my left.

So in just sitting here at my local coffee shop because my schedule changes next week and I won’t be able to come here for a hour then. So right now my figure is pretty uncertain. I don’t know if I’ll get fired for not taking the thing. I’m just in the same holding pattern as I’ve been in for the last 9 years or so.

Yeah it’s just odd to see the world go on even with the whole Pannie thing going on. Who knows what is going to happen. At some level I’m more spiritual that I’ve ever been yet st the same time I’m still slumming it at the same low vibration venues. When I got rear ended by a casino employee really dinging me up where I had to go to physical therapy I still went back 5 weeks later. But wow did I totally see the low mentality of the people hanging out there betting & gambling. I shudder to think I worked there for almost 4 years.

I’m on a no pron kick as I’m pretty much asexual these days but it’s most likely for the best. The need for balance of feeling the frustrations is actually kinda nice then feeling numb. Although I’ve just come to the conclusion. & with women telling me to never dare I’ve followed that advices. For me it’s so much work to go through dating apps only to have bad 1/2 erect sex w/ no release to never to try again with her only makes sense.

What is my future given the above? Depends on if I have money or not. If things investment wise take off maybe I can have a boarder like in curb your enthusiasm. In a perfect world I’d just lay a surrogate. But we’ll see how he next year or two shakes out. At least I’ve come to terms with not being a trust fund kid a la Siesta Key in Sarasota.

So I woke up to The National's "Nobody Else Will Be There" & for some reason it took me back to some hook I had. I had the idea that this Real Estate agent friend of my Mom gave me a key to the older post that I made about an old historical house for sale. For some reason I afterwards I had the above song in my head and then it transitioned to winter. Then I ran into winter with an old vintage blazer and my feet getting wet in slush as I stepped off of a curb in front of this old expensive home for sale. 

So I went to this old historic Estate. My parents knew the people who recently passed away (we found out when we were checking out the ope house) who owned it as they went to parties there at the house & such.  They were from Old NYC area money as the late Husband was a boss of my Dad.  My Mom chatted with the RE Agent & reminisced about many aspects of their life.  But the 6 bedroom house in the historical district that goes back to 1817 was something to behold. The really old school kitchen in the basement was something out of Colonial Williamsburg.  While we were down there we did see some interesting old pic from the places he worked (Tradeshow pic during the era my Dad worked there.) 

But I'd if I really had the full $ to buy it (I' m a single guy) it would probably be just an Airbnb. There was one at one time across the street but the woman ended up getting married & selling it. Which also bring up the point that it is a pretty busy intersection as there is a bank's drive through access there at the corner as well.  

So I usually go down to Florida for the holidays. This year my folks didn’t go due to the fear of a couple of things. First being the V & potential for unrest. Now I just basically did what I usually do when I’ve not been working (being a sloth) & not cleaning or organizing like I should have been doing for a long time past.

In some ways my feelings of bent crushed by inadequacy want all as horrible as I thought they’d be as the IG stories of the current & former cast of Siesta Key were not they over the top as I’d expected. Yeah a part of me wishes that I was getting drunk on the beach without wearing a mask. But I’d rather not deal with the invasive things that traveling to NY brings these days.

At this point I’d just wish to be able to get a job down there along with my money teaching the “retirement critical mass” threshold so I could just live comfortably. Then I’d be able to just transition to being an AARP/Our Time person. In essence I’d just be going from being University slacker to a retired person skipping the family life & kids ect. Hey I attempted, got married/divorced, failed miserably then lost my sexuality due to a birch feminist nurse practitioner.

Most people would have lost their shit. But I guess being emotionally neglected growing up I just learned to just fold into myself & collapse into helplessness. That’s the way I was raised & kinda survived this world.

So I just look into what I can do for they rest of this year. 2020 was ahead of my expectations as I prospered more financially that I’ve ever in my life. Basically living like 2020 for the previous 25 years with a doom mindset set me up well. Well will see how things go forward as for he near term lockdowns & other scary things do not seem to be going away anytime soon.

Also deactivating FB has been a retro feeling as I’ve cut down on the crap that I’ve let into my subconscious. Although I was surprising to have IG dreams this weekend which was very odd.

In a way this coffee shop session feels productive as I’m kinda happy to write this entry whole sitting here not being distracted by the former hot lesbian barista that I had a crush on & these 3 older women from maybe Buffalo suburbs? who | are down here for a Sunday drive gossiping about stupid movies & open houses for sale kitchens.