Human Rain

Who can i vent to without me getting pissed or someone else getting pissed? Right now I think i'm just pissed in general, but I hate that no one understands me on this one.

Now this is probably the worst place to post something like this, but there is a better chance of someone reading this blog rather than my livejournal. Not that it matters that anyone reads this, but i think it just helps me out knowing that the odds are better. The notion of my conflicting thoughts being read is more therapeutic than writing plainly for only my eyes to see.

Cutting to the chase: Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but it's fucking ruining my life. I hold it in such high regard, but too high of a regard so that its all i fucking think about. I'm slowly becoming a loser; I can't speak, i can't think straight, i have no more creative outlet, i am simply demotivated.

I understand that my thoughts about this subject will offend my nuclear "family," but it is definitely something i feel strongly about. I don't know what it is, but whoever i talk to about this seems to think that my problem is not a problem at all. They say it's simply me being lazy. Call it me being me, if you will. Perhaps i'm just a demotivated person in general and i always have been, but damn it i just don't feel right anymore.

Granted, nothing makes me feel more right or more at peace. Wait a second, that's a total lie. I feel paranoid as fuck every time. Why do i continue it? A simple game of scrabble can send me down a dark tunnel of anxiety. What are the perks? I suppose you could say it helps me relax, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When i do it all i can feel is an element of fear. Nobody else understands this. I mean, I tell people, but they just think i'm crazy. Nobody else feels the fear? I find it hard to believe that i am the only individual who feels that. And why am i still doing it if it makes me feel this way? It's an addiction, maybe. Not maybe, DEFINITELY! I am psychologically addicted. Is regular life that boring that i need to go ahead and make it frightening?

It's the fear that keeps me from doing the things i want to be doing. I need to find some sort of hobby to keep my mind occupied, but i fucking hate everything! Is that another branch from the problematic trunk? Do i hate everything because i have forgotten how to enjoy something without it?

I left Teddy's tonight because i just wanted to be alone. Maybe that's what i need, more alone time. More ME time. More time to do the things that i would normally do if i were alone. Maybe I don't write anymore because i used to do it to pass the time. Now that my time is occupied with something else i have no need to waste it.

Maybe tonight is all i need. This will be the first time in a long while that i will spend the night alone in my room. Something about this feels really gratifying. And please don't be offended, understand this if anything. A person, when feeling aggravated and in a war-like state of mind needs to set off dynamite. I can't be blowing shit up in someone else's house.

(Disclaimer: Please don't be offended) I forget how comforting my room is. I love it so much in here. This is a spawn of my creation and it brings me such peace of mind and comfort being here. Sure it's a little messy right now, but it's my mess. Everything is in it's right place even though its on the floor. The only person to complain about this mess is me and right now i don't give two shits, I actually like it. There is so much of my character here and it must feel lonely without me here. The walls must weep when i leave, but they straighten themselves up when my car pulls up. They don't want me to see them in their most vulnerable state. It will be a shame when the day comes where i'll have to pack all of this shit up and say goodbye forever. Good lord, that thought depresses me. I love being with my family, but I know that my room is always here waiting for me if need be. Tonight i needed it... desperately.

I want my words back. I want my dreams back. I never did anything i sought out to do after highschool. I had so many visions of how i would feel and be at this point in my life, but i have let all of my ambitions run right past me. I've hit a brick wall and i want to tear it down. I need a little adventure, a little excitement. I want something amazing to happen and i don't want to feel any repercussion. Sometimes i feel like all i do is piss someone off. Whatever i do, i feel like someone is either mad at me or i'm making an ass out of myself. Don't ask me to explain this any further. I can explain it further, but i wont. This dilemma is a little too personal for a myspace blog. This dilemma is something to be written in a secret place.

Good lord, i want to be a part of something remarkably creative. I want to be a part of the entertainment industry, but i dont know where i would fit in, or what i am qualified to do. I stopped editing so I'm out of the loop with that. I stopped making digital art, i stopped writing, i stopped everything i always wanted to roll with creatively. I want to write something epic. I wish i had an amazing story i could tell, but I suppose i'm not that of an amazing person. I don't do anything worthy of the interest of the masses.

Perhaps i've lost all of my passion. I am telling you, its not my age, its not the state i am in, its the fucking trunk, man! I am too demotivated to even be passionate about anything. I'm studying for my first Actuarial exam, and granted as i am slowly getting better at Probability, i don't feel passionate about it. It's fun to sit there and try to figure out problems, but is that really what i want to be doing? Shouldn't i have more of a liking for the path i've chosen? Is my theory of "floating like a feather in the breeze" biting me in the ass? The wind is taking this feather and landing me in a fucking pillow factory. I'm going to be stuffed into a half polyester, half cotton lining with the rest of the sheep and be sewn into a dark world i don't think i want to be in.

Still, i press on though. I'm not totally convinced that its going to ruin my life or anything, but i wish there was a little more adventure in what i'm going to be doing. My ideal job would be to help make movies. Doing what exactly? I dont know. All i know is i want to be a part of something totally creative and i want to feel the satisfaction of knowing that i am proud of my work. I'm not exactly the sharpest math tool in the shed. Sure i am alright at problem solving, but when it comes to adding or subtracting quickly in my head i'm a fucking moron. And it fucking kills me inside every time someone says to me "aren't you a math major?" Yea i'm a math major, and i'll kick your ass in a differentiation contest, but ask me to subtract $25.34 from $100 and i freeze Hand me a calculator and i'll tell you how the world spins, but don't ask me what you might ask a 4th grader.

(Disclaimer 2: Some serious egomaniacal shit coming up) I want to be a model, truly and honestly, but i'm too fat. My waist isn't small enough to do the modeling i want to do. Plus I'm a little freaked out. I think i waited too long and now there's no hope. By the time i finally get my waist the right size i'll be too old. I already am too old. I think i waited too long to be "discovered" and it never happened so I've given up. I made it to the top 10 in NYC at the America's Next Top Model tryouts, but i wasn't well spoken enough, i guess. Maybe they didn't like my freckles. Maybe i should have gone to the taping more prepared than i was. I figured i would just get up there and wing it, but when the camera started rolling i realized how uninteresting i am to most people. Being from New Jersey and liking to travel and rollerblade is not something Tyra Banks wants to hear about. She wants to hear that i was raped and beaten as a child or something and that i've overcome my obstacles. I guess they don't want some chick who might be a math major, but doesn't like to talk about it. A girl who has had some bad things happen in the past, but would never in a million years go on TV revealing all of it. That's just not my style. Or maybe it was the suggestion, "Tell Tyra why you're amazing!" that threw me off a little bit. Because i seriously tried to think of why i am amazing. Couldn't think of one thing. They'aint nothing amazing about this chick here.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a self loathing piece of shit who shouldn't be alive in the first place. I'm just looking for the right path. I know nothing is going to be handed to me, but i just want a little break. I want to skies to open up just once and give me the tiniest shred of opportunity to do something amazing. So far the only thing i have going for me is my trip out west.

That's definitely something i'm passionate about, trunk (metaphor) problems or not; Traveling. I want to see everything i possibly can in this lifetime and nothing, not even the trunk, can stop me. I'm too set in my ways about this. I manage to get enough done, which is minimal at this point in time, to experience as much of the world as possible. Perhaps i'm still waiting for that life altering epiphany that might get somewhere on the road. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Maybe one of these days i will get the trunk under control and who knows, maybe i might rediscover a dormant passion that will sculpt a brighter tomorrow.

I am so disturbed by George Carlin's death. I remember thinking a while back that it was an inevitability in this lifetime, but so soon? This year? that was not expected. At least i got to see him 3 times in the last two years. Teddy came into the bedroom at around 3 in the morning and woke me up saying, "I dont mean to ruin your sleep, but George Carlin died." I woke up immediatly and freaked out a little. Couldn't get back to sleep after that. I'm feeling so depressed today. He, seriously, was my GOD. He worshipped the sun and Joe Pesci... i worshipped him.

I'm at work pretending like i'm actually doing something. I have "pretend" work minimized so when someone walks by all i have to do is change windows. God damn, i'm sly.

SO what's been up with me, you ask? Well, i'm almost positive you can guess what's been up. If you said NOTHING, you were correct. The summer is raging on and I work only a couple of hours a day which is really sweet, but i'm pretty poor. I'm managing to save enough to go on the cross-country trip this summer, but that's about all i have. I simply cannot wait for this trip to begin. We are going to own the desert, man. Own it till it fucking cries out for its mommy. We are going to be living on the edge of the american dream. The kick over the edge would be an assortment of uppers, downers, anything snorted, injected or absorbed rectally. Too bad i'm not the druggy type, because, dammit, I would be on top of that shit.

Here's the lowdown:
Camp in Illinois
Stay with friends in Colorado
Camp in Utah
Stay with relatives in San Francisco
Stay with friends in Los Angeles
Stay at the Circus-Circus in Las Vegas
Camp at the Grand Canyon (wake up at sunrise)
Camp in Oklahoma
Camp in Indiana
Then back home.

I have been dreaming about this trip ever since freshman year of college. I can't beleive that it's actually going down. It is going to make me a complete person, i think. Cuz lord knows how incomplete i am. I'm as incomplete as this coffee is in front of me. Sure it's milky and caffeinated, but an extra teaspoon of artificial sweetner would have done the trick.

Alright, i lied. The coffee I just finished had a beautiful blend of both coffee, milk and sugar from the cane, but i needed an analogy. How about: I'm as incomplete as my grade in 9th grade gym class. Better. At least i'm truer to myself. However, i don't think i got an incomplete in that class... as much as i deserved it. No more analogies. (Analogies - ogies = ?????)

So BlogTV is really fun. I think all useless friday nights are going to be spent broadcasting around the world. Me, kaitlin, jeff and zotto spend last friday doing just that. It's really addicting.

I saw The Happening in the theater on sunday. I liked the idea, i liked what Shamalana-ding-dong was going for, but it was poorly executed, poorly cast, poorly injected with poorly written jokes. Nobody can stay ahead of the wind, god damn it! Stick to your red doors and naked red heads in pools, M. Knight! You're not so good at this green shit.

Boy, Full House is a great show. I can't wait for the episode where Uncle Jessie and Kimmy Gibler have sex on Uncle Joey's bed and ruin his Poppeye bedsheets. I was taken back by that one when i first saw it at age 10, but after my sister explained it to me i realized that sexual intercourse is a natural engagement, but what of his Poppeye bedsheets? Will he ever get the stain out?

I can't think of anything else to write about. Perhaps i should continue in describing how difficult it is to find topics to discuss.

So i'm wearing a broken watch. Don't ask me what time it is, because i won't be able to tell you. Am i a weirdo for setting the time to 7:06? Do you know why i set it to 7:06? Because it is the equivalent to 6:66. If nothing else, that makes me a fucked up individual. I should have kept that knowledge to myself, but i'm a fucking sell out, i like to boast about how cool i am.

You're not cool, you're fuckin chilly, Kelly. Only dumb asses and Bob Dole refer to themselves in the third person. Alright, that's fine, but what will happen when they stop talking? When who stops talking? The voices from beyond, of course. I don't know what will happen. I suppose things would be a lot quieter. I could actually get some reading done. You know, they have pills for that. Don't worry, it's just the coffee. Oh i'm not worrying i'm just looking out for you, man. Thank's dude, it's nice to know that you care about my well-being. Any time.

I think some serious rollerblading is in order to expel this energy. 5 miles today, perhaps? o0o Maybe 4 miles and then a round of tennis. That sounds even better.

I'm going to end this journal entry with a quote from Ken: "Remember when you started reading this sentence?"

So I think i am officially depressed again. School is killing me in more ways than one. On average, i am a C student this semester which is absolutely terrible. I put so many hours into homework that i can't do correctly, studying for quizzes/tests that i end up bombing, and sitting in class on the verge of tears. I cry when i can't understand the material. I do a lot of crying.

I had to go to my teachers office to discuss my test that i got a D+ on. I couldn't stop my lip from trembling and i had to FIGHT to keep the tears back. Not only this, but i feel like i don't have any respect from my teachers at all. I used to be really good at school and my teachers would look to me for answers, but i feel like all of them just look at me now like i shouldn't be there. And they are probably right! "Well, why don't you just try harder, Kelly?" If i tried any harder i would be dead. I am in way over my head. Why the hell am i a math major!? Carolyn's mother put it best when she said she was a math major but switched because if she was going to major at something she wanted to excel at it and she wasn't excelling in math. It's too late for me to do anything now. I'm screwed. I'm stuck in this major and now i am regretting it fully. My GPA went from 3.8 to 3.3, and after this semester it will probably be 3.1. I really screwed myself. I wasted my mother and fathers money. I hate all of the jobs available for math students. I always told myself I'd rather be dead then end up working in the insurance industry, the most boring industry alive, i think. Now it's all i have. What happened to wanting to work in the entertainment industry? What happened to my dreams? I don't have any anymore. I'm a waste of life. And i am hating myself lately for making stupid decisions.

I watched the first episode of the new season of America's Next Top Model. The girl i auditioned with made it all the way. She was beautiful in person and she is, i think, the most beautiful on the show this cycle. I am going to be really pissed if they cut her hair. . I'm rooting for her.

It's snowing like hell and my father called me out of work, but i can't do anything so its not all that great. I have been wanting to go to the mall and get new jeans. I wear the same two pairs of jeans every day and i think its time i got at least 3 more pairs. But God doesn't want me to do that today. Or ever.

Boy, i am just sad sad sad today. I have been depressed all week. I'm scared all over again about my future. If i want to become an actuary i need to take two tests so i have a leg up on people. When the hell am i going to find time to study for and take two Actuary tests? That sounds fucking awful to me. Not to mention, i don't want to be a fucking actuary! I don't even know what an actuary is for God's sake.

My dream job would be somewhere in NYC, even if i have to commute. I want to be involved with a magazine or a production company or a television show. I want my creative juices to flow and my communication skills to flourish. I want to make enough money so i can buy my own clothes. I feel extremely poor these days. I feel like i look like shit these days too. I hate the cold weather so i haven't exercised in God knows how long. There was a point when i was running 16 miles a week on the treadmill, but i got bored of that quickly and i simply don't have the time anymore. The only time i would be able to do anything would be after 11pm. And I am not a morning person so waking up is out of the question. I have been watching what i eat, but that only helps slightly. I really need to work my muscles if i want to see any results. I eat a piece of fruit in the morning, a big bowl of baby spinach and cherry tomatoes for lunch, chicken, rice and a vegetable for dinner, and strawberries, chocolate weight watcher pops, and bagel chips for dessert. When i turned 21 i went from 130 to 138. Now i'm back to 134 which is good, but i'll never be 130 again if i don't start being more active. I can't wait for the spring. REBIRTH! I might actually wake up in the mornings and run around the lake then. It will be worth it. I will feel better about myself.

I wish i had the time to read too. I wish i read more in general. But by the end of the day, when im finished with my homework and can finally wind down, all i want to do is watch TV. I don't want my brain to think anymore or be exercised any more. Maybe i am so stressed out because i am cramming 13 credits of straight up advanced math courses in this semester, plus another GNED course which requires way too much work for the grade. When i mentioned i had 4 math classes to my complex variables class they commented that it must be really hard. At the time (in the beginning of the semester) i was thinking 'eh, it's not that bad.' But it's killing me now. And i have come to the conclusion that i am a failure. This can't be healthy. I had high hopes after last semester. All of those aspirations have come crashing down and i've come to the realization that i am no longer happy about what i'm doing. I wish i could rewind and approach everything differently. I am sick of these 12-13 hour work-days that i hate living. Maybe if it was something i enjoyed more or excelled at it would be a pleasure.

I make a lot less money than i used to as well. I only make about $300 a month which is all well and good, but its hard to save up for a trip. I dished out $700 for me and teddy to go to Disney World in March, but now I'm broke. I have about $100 to my name and that is an unpleasant feeling. I fear that i won't have enough money to do anything over the summer. I can't afford bonaroo tickets for another couple of months. However, i am REALLY looking forward to our Disney Trip. It's the only thing keeping me trucking. Without that trip in the back of my mind i would have been hairless a long time ago.

This week i have been so swamped with school that i haven't been able to hang out with my friends. I feel like i haven't seen them in forever. And i haven't. I haven't seen Roxanne since... i don't even remember. I think it was at Carolyn's house like 2 weeks ago. And i went to dinner with Car last friday, but haven't really chilled since 2 weeks ago either. I need to wind down and get drunk with them soon. I'm a loser now with no life and it has got to stop.

I wish i was happy. I wish the direction in which i am headed had a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it seems like i'll be miserable for the rest of my life. I'll never be happy with my career. I know it's cynical, but i can't help it. It's all to much of a wake up call saying "you chose the wrong path, Kelly. Do something while you still can." There is nothing i can do. I'm stuck. I'm screwed.

(my tenses are messed up, i'm still not sure whether this is the past or present.. and obviously this is all out of order.. just thoughts)

It started to rain. This was the first thing she could remember. The skies were clear but sparks fell from above. When they hit the ground they exploded into little beads of color and collected into pools alongside her bed. The air smelt of burning trees. The man on the roof is most aware of this. His flasks, big and small, have been placed strategically about to collect the strange phenomenon falling from the sky.

Everything is different now. The world is nothing like what it used to be. The air is thick and smells of burning leaves. The forests have caught fire in the terrential downpour and the rivers are drying up leaving lime residue in their banks.

For a moment the world went bright. Happier times are never to come again for the second sun has made crisp the delicate buds of may. They cheer not the sick children, but make a fresh spice for the stew. Which is more important?

Is this a part of the test? To see how long i can stand being amidst the end of days? Am i supposed to stay confined to this hospital bed? I can't stand the thought of it. Just the though makes my blood boil. The minutes pass and the realization sets in that there are no minutes. The rust stains in the ceiling are creeping down the walls, lurching on the floor, and multiplying again and again.

His footsteps shake the structure and it starts to rain shards of metal and paint into eyes that cannot close. She can hear the snap of a rubber glove and suddenly there is musky breath on her shoulder.

I'm at work right now, on some down time. I wanted to get on here eventually and write about Me and Teddy's trip to Atlantic City. I don't know if i want to get into all of that right now, but soon.

So i have two tests later on tonight. One in Calculus III and one in Probability. I'm not so worried about that Calc one, but i'm definitely scared about Probability. It's my worst class, but hopefully by some miracle i'll be able to pull through with at least a B. I studied to the best of my ability and that's all i can do. I'm not sure you can really call what i did studying, more of just looking at the babble i wrote down and not really understanding. The midterm review was semi-easy, but he'll probably pull problems out of the far reaches of space for the real thing. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to the all mighty, which is the best thing i can do at this point so i guess that means im fucked.

Top model never called. Judging by this season i don't think i'm right for them anyway, no biggie. It's probaby better to have not been chosen. I probably won't go try out again either. I think there are too many perks for not getting on the show. It seems like people are losing interest in the show and the quality is slowly going downhill. Too many people make fun of it... I'm saved from ridicule.

The weeks are going by so fast these days. It seems like its always thursday. I hate thursdays. I guess that's not so bad because it means the weekends come quicker, but i don't like this 'life is pissing away' feeling. I have no time to work out anymore and that makes me upset. I have no time to hang out with friends during the week which also makes me upset. Perhaps during winter break i will go all out and get buff and drink and smoke and drink and smoke etc. I want something amazing to happen soon. Life is getting pretty dull and lifeless. I need something to look forward to. Halloween is approaching and that's something to work towards, but as fast as it is coming, the faster it will have come and gone. Then it's Thanksgiving which is my least favorite holiday.

Yesterday i bought most of my halloween costume for under 40 bucks. All i need is the wig and a bag of dum dum lollipops or something. I gotta say it, i am so good at putting together halloween costumes. I found every element of her costume PERFECTLY. I went to Marshalls and found everything i was looking for exactly. I even found her red beanie hat which is so adorable and something i can wear in the winter all the time. I wish i had more time to do some situps or something before i go waltzing around with my stomach showing. I am really excited about this one, i just wish the shoes didn't hurt so much. I have to prepare at some point tomorrow. I need to find, and perhaps cut, my wig, buy stockings, buy beverages/food... aaaaand liquor. If possible, get a haircut. I believe that's the checklist.

Haha, when i was at Marshalls purchasing the sweater something funny happened. Mind you, the sweater is a knit, off-white button down thing which i will probably never wear ever again. It looks much like Matilda's in the movie, but as for something stylish its just not in the bag. Anyway the lady at the register, a little old indian lady who barely spoke english, was ringing up my garments and stopped when she saw the sweater and went "GASP! This is a really nice sweater," in garbled english, "is this cotton?" and looks at the tag. "I have to go find this, it's beautiful." she said. I found that very amusing.

Tomorrow is my so called halloween party. Nobody responded to my invite on myspace, but everyone i talk to says that they can't access it, i dont know whats up. Maybe when i get home tonight, at around 11pm, ill send out another one. Whats the point though? It's tomorrow night. I don't know. I'm looking forward to some sweet pictures and photoshoots even if its just me and three other people. It's an excuse to dress up and get drunk. That sounds like a party to me.

I just want today to be done with. Its only 4:13 and i dont leave for school until 5 and dont get home til 11. I want to be free of these tests. I want to be free of this week's responsibilities.

I am laying here in Teddy's bed. My right arm is turning black from frostbite because the air conditioning vent is right next to me. I am just starting to regain strength, but my head is still spinning and i find it hard to move. I just feel so foolish. This sort of thing happens all the time when it shouldn't. You would think i'd learn, but i never do. I can't really think of anything to say besides how much my head hurts right now. I find it strange that i am still feeling sick. I just want to close my eyes. Let me close my eyes for a minute...

Soo I'm back. Teddy came into the room and is watching TV with me. He's twirling his hair, which looks like it got lighter from the sun. He looks good in white, but that shirt still has tape residue on the front of it from the tags.

Man, i can barely think, i feel like crap.

C ya

If there is one thing that i enjoy in this life it is warm weather. Spring break is made so much better when beautiful jersey days come along with it. I slept with the windows open last night, it smelled wonderful. Alas, another snow will freeze the confused cicadas who decided to clear their throats last night.

A bird built its nest underneathe my air conditioner. They make a ruckus in the morning, but i like them there. They are my new companions. I also think that bees are living inside my air conditioner. That's going to be a fun little journey.

The comment that Kaitlin left me (the Walt Whitman excerpt) is so inspiring. It is what my new background is based on. It's sort of a crude drawing, but i think that's what makes it interesting. Then again, all my drawings are crude, that is something i simply can not help. I was originally going to draw a blue flower... it became an eye. I can't wait to drive cross country, though. I don't think there is anything i desire more than to drive through the desert. I am going to time it just right so we drive through it at the break of dawn. I also want to take pictures on a pier in California, really become Freedom and Enterprise, you know? Even for just that moment. We'll tell some stranger with an Indian swirl the story of Texas radio and the big beat.

I am infatuated with nature today. I don't know what it is, but the air reminds me of summer days when i would sit in front of the computer and write journal entries about my fear of death. I don't think i fear it anymore. Now i am just curious about it. But there air definitely reminds me of high school days. Specifically i remember how the setting sun would make my room look so lovely, casting an orange hue upon it. My door would open and shut over and over because the windows were open. Sometimes it would SLAM shut, scaring the shit out of me. My hair would still be wet and my shoulders, sticky, from the dripping mousse. But what i lreally ong for, most of all, are those sounds of summer. Roy (the icecream man) ringing his bell, letting everybody know that he is coming and going. I could never get together a dollar in time. "Oh well, he'll be back tomorrow. I'll put this dollar somewhere where i can get it easily." And sure enough he was back bearing three flavors of bubble tape. I was never interested in ice cream on a stick. I favored the sugar that would last longer than ten minutes. One night this summer i am going to pay Roy a visit... and now probably a dollar and thirty five cents... for some bubble tape.

It is getting cooler as the minutes pass. It is supposed to snow all day tomorrow into Saturday. I am worried about how easy it will be to get into the city. I'm going to take the bus again. That is my new favorite mode of transportation into Manhattan. I've only just started doing it and now i'm kicking myself in the ass for not doing it sooner. It is extremely relaxing not having to worry about parking in Harrison. I bet if i take the bus tomorrow the lincoln tunnel will be delayed. Either way, the snow poses a threat to this adventure. It couldn't just have stayed warm for the weekend, could it? Of course not.

Who's getting their drink on for St. Patrick's Day? I know i am! I have a special shirt with a shamrock on it just for the occasion.

Well it certainly seems to be raining shit on Kelly Byrne this glorious evening. It's as if the skies today opened up and started to pour on me and only me. I sit here in a cluttered room which closely resembles the emotion i am feeling; disheveled, unorganized, and starving for a clean sweep. As it gets darker i feel more at home, at least. I'm dressed in black and am beginning to feel invisible even to myself. I think i need to just disappear. Maybe if i lay down on the carpet i'll eventually meld into it.

Something that makes me happy lately: My hair has finally reached a pinnacle. It has finally grown long enough for me to twirl and twirl and twirl. What's more is that it can finally reach my upper lip. It's a soothing passtime to twirl and polish a lock with my fingertips just enough so that it glides across my lips. I can do it all day long. When i was a kid i used to have a teddy bear named Timmy. I used to suck my thumb and rub his tag across my upper lip when i fell asleep. I suppose old habits never die.

Memory is a cruel form of torture. However, it's probably not the memory that hurts, it's the longing to relive. There are a number of things i would do differently if i had the chance. Maybe time travel could actually be a reality. Let's think about what we would need to travel in time. Some sort of device that works against it. What works against time? Einstein think's velocity has something to do with it, but that only works if you want to travel forward. I think the only way to travel back in time would be to wait. Think about it, if the universe is infinite, then that means there are infinite possibilies. The posibility of my exact life replaying again somewhere in this universe or another universe is a sure thing. It may not happen until an infinite number of years from now, but when it does i'll be ready. I look forward to that time. I swear i'll make better choices.

Maybe it won't be an infinite number of years from now. Some say that the universe is still expanding. Once it reaches a certain mass it will collapse into its own gravity and there will be another big bang. Maybe that's when it will start all over exactly as it was before. There is also the possibility that entropy is preset. Sure it may be chaotic when the observer looks at it now, but if this has all happened before then nothing is chaotic. There is order and balance no matter how chaotic it may seem. There may be a possibility that all of this has happened before in the universe previous to ours. I wonder if i was telling myself to do things differently then. I wonder if i succeeded. My spirit ancestors are probably wondering why i never get it right. That's probably why i am feeling so miserable today. The skies have opened up and my spirit ancestors are casting their disgrace upon me. If reincarnation exists come back as a bird, you moron!

Embrace it, Kelly. Learn from your mistakes.

PS: MY NEW RELIGION IS INFINITISM

So my existence has taken a dramatic turn. "Do you believe in fate, Mallory?" Yes, i do. So far it seems that things happen for a reason. I may not be able to explain what those reasons are, and it probably means i am going to slip and fall in the shower or something, but whatever happens is probably because it meant to. Now, im not a person who typically believes in anything biblical, but the Devine Plan is beginning to seem plausible. I suppose it can all be explained by coincidental entropy, but damn... these things just don't happen. No, they don't.

Is being alone really as scary as people say it is? Am I in for a rude awakening? I can't possibly see how that is, especially under my circumstances. However, I feel like my existence is going to come crashing down at any second. Too many things are happening inside my head, yet nothing is happening inside my head. I feel numb and at the same time i feel alive. Combinations that equal disaster. But i think that is what i need to stir things up a bit. A little devastation, you know what i mean?

Learn to deal with pain and rejection. Learn to deal with the horrors of being alone. Find out who you are and find out what needs to be done to feel fulfilled. Find the passion all over again, the passion that you've lost some time ago when you forgot about your dreams. Do something with your life. "And don't read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly." Instead, be in the beauty magazines. Tear yourself out of the pages and make a collage of the good times and the bad. Step back and say to yourself, "This is my work, and this is what i'm proud of." Don't be afraid to be you. People may not like you, but you don't care. You've just made the masterpiece of a lifetime and no one can tear it down because it's made out of raw passion.

Am i alive? Have i forgotten how to live? I think i may have. I think it's time to be reborn, take life by the horns, and shake the little bastard until everything i need falls neatly into my pocket. I only fear that i don't have the grit.