i have a lot of stuff on my mind i can go off about, but here's one for now and i'll keep it short, simple, and to the point: it makes me legit sad that i rarely get out of my house. i complain about it and joke about it, but it really does affect me. where are my friends?
my first week of summer vacation was nothing like i imagined it would be. isn't summer supposed to be fun and exciting?
in the past few days my mood has been up, down, and all around. mostly down, though. it's like i'm in a perpetual state of depression and i can't get out of it. i honestly can't remember the last time i was truly happy and enjoying myself. i want to be hopeful and optimistic about what's going to happen now, but it's hard. i keep telling myself, "don't worry, you never know what the future's going to bring, just wait and see". but everything just really sucks right now and its hard to keep a positive state of mind.
it's all nonsense that's making me feel like shit. -PMS for one thing; that's a big part of it and just exaggerates everything. -my grandparents are basically divorced now and my grandpa is still really sick. -i still haven't found a job. -i feel like i don't have friends; no one calls me or texts and invites me to hang out. i hate feeling left out. -i'm newly single; this was the icing on the cake.
i never get depressed like this, its so weird for me to not be chipper. i hate this.
i just want to be happy again. something i haven't been in a long time.
How did we get here? Well I used to know you so well.
i know you, inside and out. but do i really know you at all? sometimes i feel like i don't. we're the best of friends; we're inseparable. at least it used to be that way. i wish things would go back to the way they were. but, you know, i think i'm starting to accept the fact that it may never be that way again. i don't want to, but i think you've just changed too much. you're constantly pushing me away, you won't let me in anymore. it makes me sad, remembering how close we used to be and seeing now that we're as distant as two people can be. you're always with your new friends. i don't like them, just so you know. but you probably knew that already. you're always with them, too. when you're around them, it's like i don't exist. they're not the best crowd to be around. i don't like what they're doing to you. that's not my best friend. oh, and do you ever use your head? you know what you did to me; you said you'd never do it again. and yet i see you do it over and over to your girlfriends. why do you do that? do you think it's somehow "okay"? i want to say something. a part of me thinks it's the right thing to do. but i don't want to stick my head somewhere it doesn't belong.
i don't know what to do about you. you get under my skin and in my head. you aggravate me. you annoy me. you boggle my mind. you're unbelievable. you're not the kid i've known for almost my whole life. i don't know you anymore.
i hate not knowing why i'm crying. i hate it when i need a friend but no one's there. i hate it when i need a hug but no one gives me one. i hate crying out when no one pays attention. i hate feeling like no one cares. i hate feeling like this.
i just wish someone would fill this void in my life.
i mean, yeah i go to a catholic school and everything so retreats make sense, but i don't like the way they set up the retreats. is it absolutely necessary to put us in rooms, groups, and at dinner tables with kids in our grade that we don't associate with? like, i'm perfectly 1000000% content with my group of friends at school. our class is small enough that we know everyone in our grade. there's obviously a reason why i'm not friends with some of the kids in my grade. they can't force me into an uncomfortable situation. if i'm placed with people i can't stand, i might as well just get up and leave. honestly.
plus, i don't do well with religion. i've been having problems with it lately. so needless to say i'm not looking forward to the religious aspect of it. but i'll save that topic for another day.
oh and no cell phone, ipod, computer for 48 hours will be the death of me this week. if i survive, you have my lovely camera to save for that; it will be the only thing keeping me from going insane these next 2 days.
oh yeah, another thing: HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WAKE UP AND SHOWER IN THE MORNING? it sounds like someone is going to be waking us all up at like 8am. and, with the "NO ELECTRONIC DEVICES" rule i will be without my alarm clock. i take an hour roughly to get ready. and with all the people flocking to the bathrooms in the morning it will be a madhouse. so if i'm the last person getting ready thursday morning, hey, it's not my fault that we weren't allowed to bring something to wake us up early.
ok i think i'm done. i've been complaining about this for the past like 2 weeks.
(L-R) Back row: Tony, Stephen (behind Tony), Dre, Skyler, Paul, Murray Front row: Fil, me, Bridget, Emma, Tiffany, Leah, Yee Shuen, Mickey
This past month I've been at the College for Creative Studies in Detroit. I was part of their Pre-College Summer Experience Program, and what an experience it was.
depressed
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annoyed
sleepy