luminatte

I have about 10 minutes before I have to leave (again).

I am having a feeling. Some anxiety. Some sadness.

I smoked last night - I spent a couple hours rearranging the house, cleaning and organizing.

There is a ton of stuff to get rid of. Some to donate and some to throw out, but I just want it gone. Yet I am still attached to it.

I have no idea how to arrange the front two rooms, in fact, I don't know that I even want the front two rooms any more. It's so much.

I want to be functioning creatively - there are a LOT of ideas for that. Crafting, windows, working with paper and fabric. I am not sure where to start, but just starting I suppose would be the answer.

And I'm worried about money, yet again. I hit a nice high for a couple weeks but, alas, no more. Of course that will change too.

Hoping for stability. Constantly hoping for stability. I still need to roll a smoke.

I need to write, organize and prioritize my thoughts. I also need to spend some time doing yoga.

However, I am slated to teach two classes today at the studio and then one at William's.

I am feeling overwhelmed, of course.. Although there are quite a few things under my belt now that needed attention - taxes, the kitchen (as always).

I want to make a mosaic for the summer - I will be getting rid of a lot of dishes and plates, should be a nice fun exercise with friends and something to put up in the back yard or bathroom.. Looking forward to that one.

Also we are looking to get the kayak out in the water at some point before the summer's over, get the motorcycles up and running for the fall, possibly get scuba certified in myrtle beach in September, look into doing some astronomy in the fall, working toward a 500hr certification with someone I am really looking forward to working with and approaching herbalism - at least getting some basics under my belt - pms treatment, liver support and cold/flu kit.

Oh yeah, and did I mention I have a show in September and maybe one in October too...

Probably working out today would have helped, but perhaps I can get to the woods... I don't know.

Just want to feel better. I know I need to take time for myself, get on my mat, roll a smoke, go for a walk in the woods - reset, nurture and breathe.

Just feeling a little uptight, old energy, stuck, cluttered, no time, worried about $$ and uncertain of myself at this moment. That's all. :P

Teaching usually helps and I will be picking up my check from work today..

I would love to be able to languish, to sit for hours and write.. the weather is perfect. I hope it keeps raining for a few days.. seems rainy days/nights are very healing for me. :)

But I just want to put a pin on the board of my journal - I am teaching my first Chakra Workshop tonight!!!

Yeah. Yeha!

It's happening.. there's no doubt in my body, heart or mind about the 100% awesomeness that this will be.

I am the right vehicle for this information/meditation/healing and these are the right people to receive it. They'll get what they need.

I will learn a lot.

Yep.

The hardest part is the prep.. Cleaning, tweaking, etc..

Woot!

dream big

loving, thoughtful, considerate, motivated, helpful, beautiful

Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Translation and Commentary by Sri Swami Satchidananda -

Book 2 - Sutra 47:

Prayatna Saithilyananta Samapattibhyam

Prayatna = natural tendency for restlessness; saithilya = by lessening; ananta = infinite; samapattibhyam = meditating on.

By lessening the natural tendency for restlessness and by meditating on the infinite, posture is mastered.

Because the senses want to taste many things, we load the system with toxins. Instead, we should control these things. Also, we can achieve steadiness through meditation on the infinite - anything great, huge, well-settled and well-established. Tiny things always shake. So, we can think of the earth or of how steady a huge mountain is.

In the Hindu tradition, the devotee thinks of Adisesha, the thousand-hooded serpent which is said to carry the world on its head. If you take this image literally it seems like foolishness, but this cobra stands for the gravitational force, the prana shakti, or vital force. The force is represented by a cobra since it is believed that the cobra can live mainly on air.

But we can think of anything according to our traditions and beliefs. New Yorkers can think of the Empire State Building - of its great foundations; how steady and firm it must be to carry over a hundred stories. A European might say, "I will be as steady as the Rock of Gibraltar." Or we can imagine we are statues or dead bodies.

If the body is still, it is easy to make the mind still. One of my masters, a great tantric yogi, used to say, "You need not repeat any prayers or even do japa. Just sit quietly for three hours in a row with no movement whatsoever, without even winking, then everything will be accomplished easily." If we sit that long, the mind comes under our control automatically.

Through the body we can put a brake on the mind. The mind will always think, "It's time for the movies. I should get up and go." Or, "I'm hungry; I must get something to eat." But if we decide, "I'm not moving for three hours," the mind ultimately has to obey us, because it needs the body's cooperation in order to get anything. That is the benefit of asana siddhi, or accomplishment of asana. (what we think of as "yoga" in the western world - the crazy movements we do with our bodies)

There are some other kinds of siddhis also to control the mind. Bhojana, or eating, siddhi is one. You restrict yourself to eating just a certain amount of food a day at a certain time. Sthala siddhi is limiting your movement by taking a vow such as, "I won't move out of this apartment for one year," or "I will not leave Manhattan for half a year." Probably the very next day, someone will offer you a free ticket to California. Tests tend to come immediately.

We all might have experienced this. The moment we decide to fast, a friend will bring us something delicious to eat. It makes us feel very sad. "Just today I decided to fast. She could have brought this cake over yesterday. Hmm. I think I"ll just postpone my fast until tomorrow." In this way, we fail our exam. When we take a vow we should stick to it. There will be ample tests to tempt us to break it.


In Hindu philosophy, specifically in South Indian Saivism, there are sixty-three Saiva Siddhanta saints, called the Nayanars, who realized the truth by taking just one vow and sticking to it, even at the cost of their lives.


One of them, a king, vowed, "If I see holy ash on any forehead, I'll treat the bearer as Lord Siva himself and give him all he asks for." After a while, a test came. His enemy, another king, came to know of his vow. He dressed himself as a philosophy teacher, smeared ash on his forehead, took a sharp dagger covered with a nice cloth and went to the palace. When he arrived, he asked the gatekeeper if he could see the king.

As he was ushered in, the king's minister, Tata, asked for his credentials. "I have come to teach a special scripture to the king. I am a teacher of philosophy." But the minister had some doubt. He thought he recognized the man, but he had been ordered by his king to bring in anyone with holy ash on his forehead. As he did so, he told the king, "I have my doubts about this man. I think he is your sworn enemy."

"I see the holy ash on his forehead," replied the king. "He is Lord Siva come to teach me some scripture. Let me learn from him." Turning to his disguised enemy, he said, "Please take your seat."

The other king said, "This is a very holy scripture - very sacred and secret. It should only be taught to the proper student. Your are that person. Your minister is not qualified to hear it. He should leave."

As the king was dismissing him, Tata asked, "Do you really want me to go?"

"Yes, you must." And so he was forced to leave. The king bowed before his supposed teacher; and, as he did so, was stabbed with his enemy's dagger. When the king yelled in pain, Tata rushed back in with his sword drawn. The king said, "Tata, he is my Lord. Don't do anything to him. Let no one in the country harm him. Take him safely away." With the holy name of Lord Siva on his lips, the king fell dead. With his last breath, he had the vision of God.

The rest of the sixty-three Nayanar saints invariably had this realization at the cost of their lives also. The idea behind taking one vow and sticking to it is that we become the masters of our minds. We don't give them any leniency. Once we make a vow we should stick to it unwaveringly.

Hindu marriages are made on this same principle. Once a life partner is taken by somebody, the wife becomes a goddess to the husband and he a god to her. If one partner dies, the other lives in the memory of that person - as a renunciate, never to marry again. Although the husband may be a drunkard, a devil, the wife will say, "He is my Lord. God gave him to me. Whatever he is, I will accept it." This is a great austerity. A proverb concerning it goes, "He may be a rock, he may be grass, but still he is my husband." The wife says, "Let me adapt, adjust, accommodate. Let me live with him." By their own faith in the Lord, many women have converted their unregenerate husbands into true saints.

if you all reading could give a thought to my ceremony sister Brittany, in Patagonia right now... there was an 8.8 earthquake this morning, prayers for her safety requested..

what are the things that matter in a relationship?

the food you share? the time you spend together? the time you spend thinking about each other? how much more you love the person when you see them interacting with others? all the strange quirks that come out over time and trust? creative expression, inspired by another? meaningful gifts you give each other?

and how do you know you're in the "right one"?

measuring quantitatively how many things you have in common? or feeling qualitatively good about the energy you share?

each and every relationship is a mixture of all these things.

they all take energy, investment, time.. and most importantly, seeing that person for who they really are. not who they say they are, not who you want them to be or their potential, but really seeing them in the truth, divine truth.

and knowing how much you're giving, and whether you are reciprocated appropriately. Not that that person will match you in the same ways that you give, but that they give you whatever is the beautiful gift that comes with them just investing themselves in you. their natural gifts.

these things are subtle, sometimes. and overlooked. often, under-appreciated in comparison to tangible qualities like income, affection, favors, gratification, and others' opinions.

i suppose this is all basic theory. is there a university course for relationships? no, and if there was, even a "450: Silent Communication" course could never prepare me for "the real thing." if there's anything i learned in college, it's that.

it takes a dark night to see the brilliance of the stars.

or

every gray cloud has a silver lining?

lots of thoughts.

but right now, the point is:

it's all about perspective.


an example from the yoga sutras - the mind is like a crystal. whatever color you place behind it, it becomes, although it is still the crystal and does not really become that color. it only appears to be the color. just as the mind assumes thoughts from the backdrop and the effects of life, but the mind is not those thoughts. it only appears to be.

oh, and i did a handstand for a whole breath yesterday. yay.