cat eat pigeon

quick recount of the past several weeks:

-breaking it off slowly and painfully with fabio
-dating alessandro 2 who is sweet and allowing me to exercise my homemaker cravings
-went to rimini, drove up with massimo...we messed around....stayed at elisabette's and marco's....got my coat back from ale 1 and said addio.
-am losing a quart of blood a day
-met up with paolo s finally...boh..dangerous...schiantarsi contro un muro allucinante?


i think i lost my agenda and my journal and my margeret atwood book...maybe i left it on the train shit!

mi rivedo con fabio...si e' innamorato di brutto...di nuovo. boh.
sempre di piu' mi dimentico alessandro....dovevo andare su a rimini questa fine settimana per richiudere definitivamente...per l'addio ma non posso che sono incasinata.

marco.
si e' fatto vivo davide.

ho litigato/discusso un po' con fp2 .
la mia vita e' un circolo o circo? di uomini.

i conscientiously broke it off with alessandro. I'm going in 2 weeks to say goodbye in person. maybe the most difficult thing ive done. crying in eur isnt very glamorous. killing time/distracting myself with fabio...who is falling in love with me again. but its fun, being pampered and adored isnt so bad. today we went to have lunch in prati, it was a beautiful day he picked me up with his motorcycle, it was fun. i got scared cuz he was going so fast sometimes but it was rad.

>>>>Dr. Soifer,

I don't know if you remember me...I was one of your patients for years when I was a kid - Silvia Jackman - the one with the loopy Italian mother and the tortellini. I went to get a check up today and was looking at my medical records and wanted to contact you. I finally found your email address, at least this one, online.

As I was going through the medical records, I read your reports after my check ups (early ones, from 85-87), letters to my pediatrician at Beale AFB, a certain Dr. Hurley. Anyways I couldnt help but notice at the bottom of each report you would  end saying, " Thank you for allowing me to participate in the care of this child."  Maybe its customary to write things like that, or maybe it was a habit of yours..I wouldn't know, I'm not a doctor. In either case, I contemplated the semantic validity of ending medical reports thus. And the relationship between the medical profession, the concept of love and the concept of service, which is intrinsicly tied to the former two.

I'm now a senior at the American University of Rome. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing career-wise after I graduate. But that's of secondary importance to me presently.

As a poet and a writer the concept of love, the symbolism of the heart, my personal problems of the heart (physical and otherwise), are among my primary concerns which have pushed me to question matters of the heart in society, of a love ethic that seems to not be prevalent.

I just wanted to thank you I guess, for all you've done for me, and for having done it with what I've sensed is a love-ethic.

I would love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Silvia Jackman<<<<<

i had a horrible dream where i was at marco c's house and we wanted to fuck in his rec room but marcus and sounja walters from 7th grade were hanging out there so we go to his bedroom, which is really my roomate's room in my house. we're really in my house at this point.. and he tells me, "si tu mi coinvolgi in modo divertente, specialmente ora che sto avendo problemi con la donna con cui sono realmente coinvolta, la tipa in prima posizione sul mio top 8 su myspace". i get pissed off and dont wanna fuck and he's like " ah tanto rompi sempre il rapporto a meta'" and then he text messages me even if we're in the same room "do you think im too smart or a goth?!" and im like uh, no. ...wtf?

then we're fucking and his mom walks in with laundry. we just stop but we're still lying there one on top of the other naked and she's acting like as if nothings going on and she asks marco to run some errand. so he just hops out of bed and follows her out. i'm thinking WHAT THE HELL he's naked! then he comes back and starts writing christmas cards to his american cousins (he doesnt have any actually to my knowledge) his moms standing there dictating them. im sitting on the edge of the bed like what the hell, and he asks me how to spell some words.

i woke up depressed/ irritable.

i had an odd dream. there was andrea and he had a new girlfriend. and she was some FAT trashy american woman with crimped badly died hair. and sometimes she was britney spears. and i was with stacie. and sometimes stacie was someone else? and this ugly girlfriend was very jealous of andrea being around me, especially when she was britney spears. i wanted him to speak sicilian to me.

im not happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF_…

" Understanding knowledge as an essential element of love is vital because we are daily bombarded with messages that tell us love is about mystery, about that which cannot be known. We see movies in which people are represented as being in love who never talk with one another, who all into bed without ever discussing their bodies, their sexual needs, their likes and dislikes. Inded, the message recieved from the massm edia is that knowledge makes love less compelling; that it is ignorance that gives love its erotic and transgressive edge. These messages are often brought to us by profiteering producers who have no clue about the art of loving, who substitute their mystified visions because they do not really know how to genuinely portray loving interactions.
Were we, collectively, to demand that our mass media portray images that reflect love's reality, it would happen. The change would radically alter our culture. The mass media dwells on and perpetuates an ethic of domination and violence because our image makers have more intimate knowledge of thse realities than they have with the realities of love."

--from pg. 95-95 of All About Love by Bell Hooks