Memories and Thoughts

Well not sure what it is that I am feeling these days but there is something just on that edge that is just out of my sight and touch. I am not sure if it is good or bad yet but to be honest I am actualy not getting the bad vibes that have gotten in past. I know I am closing in on the 2nd year aniversery of my spring from hell but it finaly does not weigh so heavily on me as it once did. Is the pain and the memorory gone? Not at all, I still wake up at night at times with the last immage of my dad on that day that sat on his bed with my mom and grandmother and watched him die. I still can remeber the delusions of my grandfather as I stood my his side with my uncle as he saw in me my father who was unable to be there. But even with that the images are not as sharp, not as shocking. The dates grow near but as they do I am able to look back over the last 2 years and see growth and change that has come from it. Since that spring I have had ups and downs but for now I think that the ups are outweight the downs. Yes I lost my girlfriend because I was depressed and focused on family and not her. But since then I got self out of debt so could get back into debt with my own house, I have compleated my degree at least an AA which is something and have friends. While on the down side I still am alone and have no real prospects in my life any more that are realistic I am not bitter. If anything I am mellow or even expecting another turn in my life to happen soon. Even the fact that I found out that I have the same thing that killed my dad I have learned to live with it. He lived with it for my entire life and did not let it slow him down or get him down, I figure I can do no less. Yet still there is this anxious feeling. I do not know if it is because I turn 35 this year. Or if it is because I feel like I have done something that set as a goal 18 months ago with the degree. With 35 some people hit that mid life crisis, maybe mine was at 33 when world fell apart around me. I have pulled self from the rubble and found that things are not all that bad just diffrent. Though things might be diffrent I will never forget what was lost. Every full moon I still look up and almost cry, shedding tears from an old agreement I had with my grandmother, that when we are apart that look at the full moon and know that we are both looking at the same moon and thinking of the other. Maybe they are still thinking and watching and maybe what I feel is that I know they are proud of me for not giving up, for keeping to task and for living and not just existing. Maybe it is now the time that other goals in life will come to the front and be tackled, when things that have been broken are fixed and are stronger than ever. Where once there was a hole there is now a light and strength that was not there before. Maybe it is something good in the air and spring can once more come to be a time of rebirth and life for me and not a time of death and dispair. As it stands now it looks to be well on its way as so am I.

As I was dozing off last night a thought hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. In less than two days I turn 40. That is supposed to be a MAJOR milestone in your life... but for me I'd just as well skip it right now. I am not happy about where I am in life right now. I have the world's greatest family... but I can do nothing but fail them as a provider. No matter how much money I make... it always falls short of what we need. I don't know how to fix that short of winning the lottery, I just can't figure out where the money goes when we have it. But anyway, as I was falling asleep I was dwelling on that... the big 4-0. Theoretically half way through my life.

And then the kick in the nuts came "And Dad won't be here to see it."

*sigh* So much for sleep... I started crying and then got up to keep from keeping Cat awake. Didn't get back to bed till 5 and then got up at 7. So, I'm running on 2 hours sleep and spent my entire morning talking to my oldest friend about how fucked up his life is right now. I have stuff I HAVE to do today if we're going to be able to even pay part of the rent and I'm so strung out I can't stop crying.

I can't even afford boot legged anti-depressants off the web... WHY do they say this stuff is a problem? Hell, have you PRICED that shit? You can't be depressed unless you are rich or have a health plan...

Me? I'm just fucked up.

In the ongoing conversation in my LJ over the right to die, a comment was made that I hadn't fully communicated the situation with my father during the example I gave. And they were right, I haven't... not even privately to Cat.

In all honesty I'm not sure I can tell everything that I did, saw, felt, etc during the last weeks of his life. Some of it was gross and not things I really want to recall or pass along. Some are just too difficult to put in words.

Maybe... some day... but not today. not yet.

Saturday was the one year anniversary of Dad's death. Coming up on it, I dreaded it. I had no idea how I'd handle it. I was working till 7AM that morning and yes, I cried when 3:15 AM rolled by. I don't know if it would ahve ben any better if I'd been home and trying to sleep or not.

I went home and tried/hoped to sleep the day away, but as life likes to foil my plans I woke early and couldn't get back to sleep, so ultimately got up at around 2 in the afternoon. Cat wanted to know if I wanted to go to the cemetary, and part of me did. However, I knew if I did I'd break down and end up totally drained by it. As I had to work that night being totally exhausted was not the greatest idea, so I said no and we just took the Bear to lunch. We went for a walk around the park when we got home and I came into work.

I called Mom and talked with her. She tahnked me and said she'd talked to 2/3 of her other sons. Rob had called and talked to her for an hour and when he was getting ready to go she thanked him for realizing it was going to be hard day for her. He wasn't sure what she meant till she reminded him of the date. He felt foolish as he'd forgotten and talked to her for another half hour then called Jim and had him call her as well. Not sure if Jim recalled the date on his own or not, but John is still AWOL after the falling out with Mom and never called or came by. I found it horribly ronic that the same brother who ripped into me for taking the weekend after Dad's death to go be with friends instead of staying with Mom, who was the one THERE with her at Dad's side when he passed away, forgot the date. Hell, I'd been dreading the day for weeks. *sigh*

She didn't go to the cemetary either as she was afraid she'd not be able to drive herself hime afterwards, something I can easily understand. I'm off on Dad's Birthday (I think) so we may go out then, not sure yet.

Anyway, I survived it. One down, dozens more to go.

[fixed the posting issues]

Cat's asleep. So are Amber and the Bear. I'm not cause of my sleep schedule this week and even though I'm off tonight I can't afford to switch things around as I work Sunday and Monday nights. I've avoided calling my Mom all day. Very selfish of me, but I didn't want to deal with Dad not being there. The day was great, kids all happy, me and Cat happy. Food good. Presents loved. But all day it ate at me underneath. The longer the day wore on the more it chewed. I even snapped at Cat late in the evening. I'll apologize in the morning when she wakes up. I'll owe another apology as well as I'm once again breaking a "date" to sit and chat with a friend over night, but I'm not a fit person to speak with right now.

I probably would have been okay, but Cat was watching the "Royal Tenanbaums" before she went to bed and I ended up watching the last of it. I wasn't all that overwhelmed, good but odd movie... boom, it ends with the Father dying. Wow... felt like I had been kicked in the nuts. Sat there and just cried for a bit then went in to hug Cat, but she had passed out. She's been exhausting herself these last couple of weeks so I let her sleep. Came back in the front room and was watching more TV, found that ET was talking about the cast from CSI, so I sat and watched that... so what do they follow it up with? A story on Michael Landon's kids and how they have dealt with his death 20+ years ago. Well, so musch for NOT crying today.

So... I'm going to sit and watch "What Dreams May Come" alone and cry till I'm numb. Not much else I can do without dragging someone else into the deeps with me.

... cry and you cry alone....

I had a dream today... I say today because I sleep days most of the time now.

But I had a dream today. I was driving home from work and was passing by Love Field... For those not from Dallas, Love Field is an airport here in Big D. It used to be the major airport till they built DFW and it's the one that SouthWest Airlines still uses. It, however, lies NO where near the route I drive home from work each day.

Anyway, I had a dream today. I was driving home from work and was passing by Love Field and decided that since I had time I'd stop in and see my Dad... Dad used to work there "back in the day" when Braniff Intl was still in business and still based out of Love Field. I’m not really sure I ever drove to see Dad at Love Field. I had barely begun to drive when Braniff belly upped the first time.

But as I was saying, I had a dream today. I was driving home from work and was passing by Love Field and decided that since I had time I'd stop in and see my Dad and wish him a Merry Christmas… Dad never was much of one for holidays. He could never remember anyone’s birthday and hated his own. Hated Labor Day as it never was what it was meant to be. He hated that they always forget the Korean War Vets during Vets day. He hated Thanksgiving cause all the bad memories he had of it from Korea. The only holiday he loved was Christmas, so I always made sure to call him and wish him a Merry Christmas cause I knew that was as good a gift as I could ever give him.

Back to what I was saying, though, I had a dream today. I was driving home from work and was passing by Love Field and decided that since I had time I'd stop in and see my Dad and wish him a Merry Christmas. But when I pulled into the parking lot, I knew he wouldn’t be there… because he’s gone. And I cried. And I woke up and was still crying. But I put it away to deal with later… but now it’s later… and I’m crying again.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to dream anymore.

11/30/2002

I remember hearing the phone that morning but I was in new love bliss and didn’t want to leave the warm body on the bed next to me so I let the machine get it. I got up about an hour later and went into the kitchen, taking the blanket with me. Dan didn’t seem to notice the loss of the blanket; he just rolled over wrapping the remaining blanket around him tighter. We had a houseguest over, Rachel from Serria Vista who I was somewhat weirded out by.
Not to go on too much of a tangent here but it’s somewhat important to the story. Rachel is legally an adult, but not mentally. I, mistakenly, had though that her and Dan were really close and had offered to bring her up to Tucson to spend some time with him. I found out on the ride up that Dan to her was more of a father figure and she had this quasi hero worship going on with him. So, finding this out on the ride up, I was somewhat reluctant to get to know the girl any better, lest I become a mother figure.
So I got up, got something to munch on, and did my best not to wake up Rachel because a few moments of solitude that morning was something I really wanted. Then the phone rang again, waking up Rachel who opened her eyes and immediately tried to demand my attention to tell me her dream last night (the girl also thought that people were trying to kill her through her dreams, while I do agree weird things happen in the world, I believe in my heart that this was just a cry for attention). It was my parent’s friend Bill. He asked me if I’d spoken to my Dad yet. My heart skipped a beat; Bill’s tone was so serious that I was positive that something awful had happened. I told him I had not.
“Well, I feel horrible having to be the one who tells you this. Your Aunt Gloria and Uncle Javier were killed in a car wreck.”
I don’t remember what else Bill said, I remember calmly getting off the phone with him, and turning to Rachel who wanted to talk to me. I told her that my Aunt and Uncle had died and coldly walked out of the room. I couldn’t be open with her, I didn’t want to share my pain with her, and I didn’t trust her. I went into my bedroom and tried to wake Dan and tell him what happened. Rachel followed me into the room, trying desperately to get attention. Dan wouldn’t wake up fully, only enough to wrap an arm around my neck and try to coax me back to bed (I still am holding a grudge against him for this). I wasn’t having any of it. I went back into the front room, still holding in the shock and tears since I still had Rachel following me. I called my parents and got a sobbing mother on the phone. She explained to me what happened.
My Aunt and Uncle were driving from Hermisillo Mexico to Kino Bay. Their Son, Javier Jr., had just gotten a new addition to the family and the new grandparents (my Aunt and Uncle) were anxious to welcome the new arrival. The road to Kino from Hermasillo is one lane highway with a speed limit of 120 kmh (kilometers per hour, roughly 75 mph). A car passed them on the shoulder of the road and when it tried to merge back onto the road he pushed my Aunt and Uncle’s pickup into the oncoming traffic lane. The were hit head on by another truck coming the opposite way. My Uncle was killed immediately, my Aunt was still alive but trapped by the dashboard. The first person on the scene of the accident was my cousin. He had packed up the family, new arrival as well, to go into Hermsillo and surprise my Aunt and Uncle. I can’t even image what pain you’d have to live with seeing something like this. My cousin used his cellphone to call my parents and my mom and dad left Kino within seconds to drive out to the scene. My Aunt was unconscious but still alive till they opened up the car to get her out. She died before they put her in the ambulance.
My Grandmother had just died in March. She was bedridden for the last ten years and my Aunt Gloria had been her primary caretaker. While we loved my Grandmother, when she passed a large burden was taken off the family’s shoulders, mainly my Aunt’s. My Aunt and Uncle had just been planning a vacation. Their youngest son had just gotten his driver’s license.
I couldn’t go for the funeral.
Sometimes when I think of Kino I see my Aunt and Uncle there. My Aunt’s soft arms wrapping around me and her lips kissing my cheek. My Uncle teasing me in Spanish, speaking to fast for me to understand what he is saying till it’s too late and the joke is me. I used to find their concern annoying and my Uncle’s instance on calling me Gorda irritating, but now I’d deal with the annoyance and irritation gladly, just to see them both one last time. It’s not Kino anymore without them there.
So here it is, three years later, and it’s still a painful time of the year. I’ve had so much happen to me that I want to share with my Aunt and Uncle. I had hoped this was going to be easier to take as time went on, but each year this time comes around it still hurts.

A very good friend posted in her LJ taht she wanted to hear what her friend's would say at her Eulogy were she to die. When I first read it I blanched. That wasn't something I wanted to think about and in all honesty I know that I will never be able to say anything at anyone's funeral because I chole up way too easily.

But, I sat back and thought about it and decided that hiding from a very innocent request is not what it is going to take to let me come to terms with what has happened in my life, the losses I've felt and the ones that lie ahead. So, I posted what I'd say... and sat back and smiled hoping she'd like it. Then I crashed emotionally... HARD.

I know I'll go through what I went through with my Dad with many, many others. My Mom, brothers, friends... and, god help me, but even Cat and possibly the kids. The weekend before Dad died, we knew his time was almost over and we called around to let people know. Every time I looked at the people who came to say goodbye I saw myself reflected in their eyes. They were looking at their ex-husband, Dad, uncle, brother-in-law, friend or friend's father. And they were feeling a part of their life slip away and there are no words for the depth of that hurt.

I vowed something to myself then, something incredibly horribly selfish. I never want to put anyone through that pain. Not my friends, not my kids and most especially not Cat. I know I can't live forever, but if I have anything to say about it... I will outlive all those who care for me and die alone and forgotten. Not to be grumpy and morose (yea, I'm doing that anyway, so deal) but to make sure the only heart I break with my passing is my own.

I really fucking miss my Dad.

Well today isnot really a day that been looking forward to. Eventualy sure that will be better but right now stuf that is just to fresh sets me off to easily and all the ads and such for today do not help. First year in many that I do not get to go home and take my dad out to eat. To give him a hug and thank him for everything. I guess really should be something you do every day, the thanking and hugs and all, but the day that is set aside for them just makes it stand out more. I am not sure if can bring myself to go to the cemetary today or not. I just not sure if could take it right now. On top of it all I had planned to spend the afternon with my mother and have us go eat at my dads favorite place and go to the grave but she left town for the beach friday so do not even have her here. Just me, alone no father, no grandfather and not even any relatives in town. Add to that doing this message from work as tape drive wont let me leave even tough hour past when due to get off. Can this day get any worse.

Ever since I first heard it the song "Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics could bring tears to my eyes, knowing that some day it would be very close to true for me.

Listened to it off Launch.Com last night with cat333, reafermanus and hbk_lover... it was the video, but I didn't watch it. Kinda hard to watch when your crying. We all were.

Very heartfelt... very real. hbk_lover says she'll never listen to it agian, it hurt too much.

Living Years - Mike + the Mechanics
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye