loveasarson's Journal

i moved to portland, oregon on july 23 2001 from pittsburgh, pa because i needed to get away .. i work as a sous chef at whole foods and the dinner line cook at Calendula ( http://www.calendula-cafe.com ) and i love it.. i live with my fiancè whom i cherish with all my heart.
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"cherish these moments
as though they were our last
for they may well be
and hold in your arms
the greatest example of love & friendship
and know that i'd sacrifice everything for you
and if left here tomorrow never to return
that i'd always cherish these moments
and you and everything we've shared
i'll love you always
and will always be there
don't forget our love
for it is something so few will ever know." this was found hand written on a flyer for a show in my friend vince's bookbag when he was found dead.. if anyone knows the source please let me know.. he could also have written this himself.
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i hate earth crisis, i hate eighteen visions, i hate poison the well, i hate when a band i really like costs $25 to see b/c they are OPENING (what the fuck??) for blink 182, (i couldnt handle the crowd), i hate not having a microwave, i hate mesh hats, i hate rednecks, i hate mud,i hate creationists, i hate pro-lifers, i hate not having a season pass, i hate snowlerbladers, i hate how people think theyre badass if the can do a flip on a snowboard.... backflips are the easiest trick in the world.. it takes alot more than being able to get inverted to be a good snowboarder, i hate cars, i hate getting up in the morning, i hate old people hair, i hate old people that are weird (like the one that was staring at me in my friends driveway for no reason..the whole time i was there..just straight staring...damn nut), i hate shiny pants, i hate cops that give me tickets, i hate cops altogether, i hate when people know me and i dont know them, i hate when good bands break up, i hate peppers, i hate being betrayed, i hate nuts, i hate the color pink, i hate hot topic, i hate limp bizzzzzzkit, i hate when the slurpy machines at the 7-11 are out of order, i hate when people dont reply to urgent emails, i hate insects that come in swarms (ew), i hate domestic cars, i hate the tookie bird, i hate getting dirt on my clean white shoes, i hate finding out my friend is a slut, I hate kid rock, i hate driving long distances when im really tired, i hate when good bands cancel, i hate all the people in the main office at work, i hate all the receptionists too (except for the hot one), i hate girls who wear excessive amounts of make up, i hate when my board goes slow, i hate waiting for winter, i hate not having enough money... ever, i hate not having a sponsor, i hate when my family falls apart, i hate stuck-up girls, i hate frat parties, i hate when people dont tell you where the frat party is so you can make fun of it, i hate on instant messanger when a new window pops up and half of what you were typing to someone else is now in that window, i hate girls that should be going out with me but arent, i hate american football, i hate when people call american football just football (real football is soccer for those of you that dont know), i hate the people that spot for deer across from my house, i hate hunters, i hate when i eat nothing but peanut chews for three days straight, i hate people that are so pc that they cant take a joke, i hate when my puppy doesnt stop barking at my redneck neighbor, i hate my dads mullet, i hate wrestling, , i hate fxl, i hate pre-game american football shows (especially the one with "howie" and terry on it.. all they are is jocks that want to feed their ego.. they try to look all professional on the show.. your a jock.. give it up guys), i hate giving everything only to be shit on, i hate news reporters and how they think they are celebrities, I hate when people smack the bottom of their snapple before they open it just to make that sound, i hate hardcore, i hate people with big ego's, i hate your tattoo, i hate the summer, i hate christmas, i hate the circus, i hate teenie boppers, i hate mtv, i hate people who make themselves look stupid on purpose, i hate humanity altogether, i hate "friends" who are shitty to me, i hate the tools on the hill, i hate cutting my grass, i hate beer jocks (especially the ones on sports bikes), i hate beer sluts, , i hate people that use the word "effect" in place of "affect" and vice versa, i hate people that use the word "their" in place of "theyre" and vice versa, i hate when you lose something that youve been typing for an hour, i hate people that leave the lift tickets on their jackets (you dont need it anymore..take it off..you look so stupid with those 20 tickets banging around), i hate people who leave their turn signals on, i hate when people misuse the word ignorant, i hate soy milk, i hate soy cheese, i hate sXe kids, i hate the flavor "cola", i HaTe WhEn PeOpLe TyPe LiKe ThIs, i hate people that dont turn on red when they are allowed and able to,i hate waiting for you, i hate knwoing that you have to leave, i hate that alot of coffee shops charge extra for soy milk, i hate being in debt, i hate being scared of rolling my ankle again when i skate (i pretty much broke it a while ago.. now im scared to skate b/c i dont want to hurt it again.. b/c then i cant snowboard), i hate nazis, i hate the kkk, i hate people that tell me what im feeling and thinking, i hate being ignored, i hate being lied to, i hate "the image", i hate religions, i hate the sun, i hate nutra sweet, i hate casien.. i hate alot of things.. but i love you!
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They had grown up next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.
Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love.
His name was Newt. Her name was Catharine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catharine's front door.
Catharine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy, magazine devoted entirely to brides. "Newt!" she said. She was surprised to see him.
"Could you come for a walk?" he said. He was a shy person, even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently, as though what really concerned him were far away--as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant, and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style, even in matters that concerned him desperately.
"A walk?" said Catharine.
"One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "through leaves, over bridges--"
"I had no idea you were in town," she said.
"Just this minute got in," he said.
"Still in the Army, I see," she said.
"Seven more months to go," he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes were dusty. He needed a shave. He held out his hand for the magazine. "Let's see the pretty book," he said.
She gave it to him. "I'm getting married, Newt," she said.
"I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk."
"I'm awfully busy, Newt," she said. "The wedding is only a week away."
"If we go for a walk," he said," it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride." He turned the pages of the magazine. "A rosy bride like her--like her--like her," he said, showing her rosy brides.
Catharine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides.
"That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt. "By taking you for a walk, I'll be giving him a rosy bride."
"You know his name?" said Catharine.
"Mother wrote," he said. "From Pittsburgh?"
"Yes," she said. "You'd like him."
"Maybe," he said.
"Can--can you come to the wedding, Newt?" she said.
"That I doubt," he said.
"Your furlough isn't long enough?" she said.
"Furlough?" said Newt. He was studying a two-page ad for flat silver. "I'm not on furlough," he said.
"Oh?" she said.
"I'm what they call AWOL," said Newt.
"Oh, Newt! You're not!" she said.
"Sure I am," he said, still looking at the magazine.
"Why, Newt?" she said.
"I had to find out what your silver pattern is," he said. He read names of silver patterns from the magazine. "Albemarle? Heather?" he said. "Legend? Rambler Rose?" He looked up, smiled. "I plan to give you and your husband a spoon," he said.
"Newt, Newt, tell me really," she said.
"I want to go for a walk," he said.
She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. "Oh, Newt--you're fooling me about being AWOL," she said.
Newt imitated a police siren softly, raised his eyebrows.
"Where--where from?" she said.
"Fort Bragg," he said.
"North Carolina?" she said.
"That's right," he said. "Near Fayetteville--where Scarlett O'Hara went to school."
"How did you get here?" she said.
He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. "Two days," he said.
"Does your mother know?" she said.
"I didn't come to see my mother," he said.
"Who did you come to see?" she said.
"You," he said.
"Why me?" she said.
"Because I love you," he said. "Now can we take a walk?" he said. "One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges--"
They were taking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor. Catharine was angry and rattled, close to tears. "Newt," she said, "this is absolutely crazy."
"How so?" asked Newt.
"What a crazy time to tell me you love me," she said. "You never talked that way before." She stopped walking.
"Let's keep walking," he said.
"No," she said. "So far, no farther. I shouldn't have come out with you at all," she said.
"You did." he said.
"To get you out of the house," she said. "If somebody walked in and heard you talking to me that way, a week before the wedding--"
"What would they think?" he said.
"They'd think you were crazy," she said.
"Why?" he said.
Catharine took a deep breath, made a speech. "Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done," she said. "I can't believe you're really AWOL, but maybe you are. I can't believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But--"
"I do," said Newt.
"Well, I'm deeply honored," said Catharine, "and I'm very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond--but it's just too late." She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me," she said, and she protected herself with her hands. "I don't mean you should do it now. I just mean this is all so unexpected. I haven't got the remotest idea how to respond."
"Just walk some more," he said. "Have a nice time."
They started walking again.
"How did you expect me to react?" she said.
"How would I know what to expect?" he said. "I've never done anything like this before."
"Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?" she said.
"Maybe," he said.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said.
"I'm not disappointed," he said. "I wasn't counting on it. This is very nice, just walking."
Catharine stopped again. "You know what happens next?"
"Nope," he said.
"We shake hands," she said. "We shake hands and part friends," she said. "That's what happens next."
Newt nodded. "All right," he said. "Remember me from time to time. Remember how much I loved you."
Involuntarily, Catharine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.
"What does that mean?" said Newt.
"Rage!" said Catharine. She clenched her hands. "You had no right--"
"I had to find out," he said.
"If I'd loved you," she said, "I would have let you know before now."
"You would?" he said.
"Yes," she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. "You would have known."
"How?" he said.
"You would have seen it," she said. "Women aren't very clever at hiding it."
Newt looked closely at Catharine's face. To her consternation, she realized that what she had said was true, that a woman couldn't hide love.
Newt was seeing love now. And he did what he had to do. He kissed her.
"You're hell to get along with!" she said when Newt let her go.
"I am?" said Newt.
"You shouldn't have done that." she said.
"You didn't like it?" he said.
"What did you expect?" she said--"wild, abandoned passion?"
"I keep telling you," he said. "I never know what's going to happen next."
"We say good-bye," she said.
He frowned slightly. "All right," he said.
She made another speech. "I'm not sorry we kissed, " she said. "That was sweet. We should have kissed, we've been so close. I'll always remember you, Newt, and good luck."
"You too," he said.
"Thank you, Newt." she said.
"Thirty days," he said.
"What?" she said.
"Thirty days in the stockade," he said--"that's what one kiss will cost me."
"I--I'm sorry," she said, "but I didn't ask you to go AWOL."
"I know," he said.
"You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that," she said.
"Must be nice to be a hero," said Newt. "Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?"
"He might be, if he got the chance," said Catharine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. The farewell had been forgotten.
"You really love him?" said Newt.
"Certainly I love him!" she said hotly. "I wouldn't marry him if I didn't love him!"
"What's good about him?" said Newt.
"Honestly!" she cried, stopping again. "Do you have any idea how offensive you're being? Many, many, many things are good about Henry! Yes," she said,"and many, many many things are probably bad too. But that isn't any of your business. I love Henry, and I don't have to argue his merits with you!"
"Sorry," said Newt.
"Honestly!" said Catharine.
Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to.
They were now in a large orchard.
"How did we get so far from home, Newt?" said Catharine.
"One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges," said Newt.
"They add up--the steps," she said.
Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.
"School for the blind," said Newt.
"School for the blind," said Catharine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. "I've got to get back now," she said.
"Say goodbye," said Newt.
"Every time I do," said Catharine, "I seem to get kissed."
Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. "Sit down," he said.
"No," she said.
"I won't touch you." he said.
"I don't believe you." she said
She sat under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.
"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens," he said.
"What?" she said.
"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be," he said.
"All right, I will," she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be.
Newt yawned.
The bees were humming in the trees, and Catharine almost fell asleep. When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.
He began to snore softly.
Catharine let Newt sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adored him with all her heart.
The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east. The bells in the tower of the school for the blind rang again.
"Chick-a-dee-dee-dee", went a chickadee.
Somewhere, far away, an automobile starter nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still.
Catharine came out from under her tree, knelt by Newt.
"Newt?" she said.
"H'm?" he said.
"Late," she said.
"Hello, Catharine," he said.
"Hello, Newt," she said.
"I love you." he said.
"I know," she said.
"Too late," he said.
"Too late," she said.
He stood, stretched groaningly. "A very nice walk," he said.
"I thought so," she said.
"Part company here?" he said.
“Where will you go?" she said .
"Hitch into town, turn myself in," he said.
"Good luck," she said.
"You, too," he said. "Marry me, Catharine?"
"No," she said.
He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly.
Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now, she would run to him. She would have no choice.
Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. "Catharine," he called.
She ran to him, put her arms around him, could not speak.